Are you feeling burned out in your marriage?

Are you constantly stressed and overwhelmed?

Are you exhausted all the time?

Are you feeling lonely and depressed?

Maybe you’re growing resentful of your partner.

You might be secretly asking yourself, “Did I marry the right person?”

Or wondering how long your marriage will last if nothing changes.

If this sounds like you, you’re not alone.

Every day I talk to people who are on the verge of burnout.

They’re desperate for a change.

Most people on the verge of burnout trend to blame their partner or other circumstances for their misery.

“If they’d just put in some effort, things would be different…”

But the actual reason for burnout is seldom a partner’s neglect.

Typically burnout can be attributed to one of three causes.

If you address the actual causes of burnout, the relationship tends to heal and improve.

Couples start to reconnect, play, and flirt with each other again.

It’s like the relationship takes on a new life.

Want to know what the three common causes of burnout are that I see?

1. The Foundation of Friendship is Weak

Your relationship is built on a foundation of friendship consisting of 3 pillars:

• I Know You

• I Like You

• I Have Your Back

When you and your partner get busy with life, and consumed with other responsibilities...

Or you stop having fun together and expressing gratitude for one another...

Or you stop keeping promises to each other, and things like criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt creep into your marriage…

Your relationship starts draining you.

When the amount of time, energy, and effort you put into your relationship always exceeds what you get out of it, you’ll eventually run out of steam, and your desire to contribute to the marriage will disappear.

Keeping your foundation strong is absolutely essential if you want to avoid burning out.

2. You’re Not Setting Or Maintaining Clear Boundaries

Your boundaries are meant to protect the things that are most important to you, like your time, your relationships, your energy, your attention.

They create clarity around what you are responsible for, and what you’re not responsible for, like a fence around a home.

Some signs that you’re not good with boundaries are:

• You sometimes feel resentful towards people you typically care about

• ​You tolerate disrespectful or unkind behavior at the expense of your own well being

• ​You feel frustrated that you spend so much time with people or on projects that aren't a priority for you

• ​You feel responsible when other people are angry, upset, unkind, anxious, or sad...

• ​You blame other people when you are angry, upset, unkind, anxious or sad

• You sometimes use manipulation, passive-aggression, or guilt-tripping to get what you want

When people are constantly steamrolling you, taking advantage of your kindness and generosity, and you never give yourself permission to recharge… you are going to get burned out.

Learning to say “No” to things that are urgent but not a priority is key to developing appropriate boundaries.

3. You’ve Lost Touch With Your Core Values

Your core values determine what’s important to you and why. 

They guide you through conflict, and set your conscience on fire when they’re being ignored.

When you make decisions that conflict with your core values, it will unsettle you, or even make you angry or resentful without even realizing it.

Everyone’s core values are unique, and if you’re not clear what yours are, you will find yourself feeling aimless, and feeling constantly “off.”

Some signs that you might not be living in alignment with your Core Values are:

• Family or friends ever tell you, "you're so hard on yourself"

• You feel like your life lacks purpose other than taking care of everyone else’s needs

• ​You have a hard time making decisions… even small ones that don’t seem to matter

• ​You feel like you’ve lost touch with who you truly are

• ​You sometimes feel like you lack self confidence?

• You resent others who seem to have a clear direction or “mission” for their lives?

Two reasons people lose touch with their core values…

The first is that most people never take the time to figure out what their core values are in the first place.

Brené Brown says, “We cannot live [our core values] if we don't know them and name them.”

The second is that they mistake a role they value for a core value that defines their identity.

It’s common to see this with mothers.

They have children and take on the role of a mother.

The role consumes them and becomes their identity.

Then, when their role changes and the kids no longer need them, they have an identity crisis.

They have spent so much time defining themselves by a role they filled that they lost track of their core values… the things that make up their identity.

Living out of alignment with your core values will make you feel exhausted, and like you’re living a life without meaning.

Why Are Your Burned Out?

So, now that you know the main causes of burnout… which one do you identify with?

Clarity is power, and when you understand what’s causing you to have problems, you can then start to take action and do something about them.If you want support, a great place to start is the Epic Marriage Club. Click here to learn more about it.