Disappointment is inescapable in marriage.

Eventually, at some point, your partner will break a promise, speak to you in anger or frustration, hurt your feelings, or not meet the expectations you might not know you even have.

The natural reaction when something like this happens is to meet it with, well, let’s call it the “not best” part of yourself.

Sometimes you might get angry and go on the attack.

Maybe you get defensive and either play the “innocent victim” or point out all the flaws in your partner to make yourself feel better.

Maybe you emotionally withdraw, and put up a huge wall between you and your partner.

Or you might be a gossiper. Maybe you go out and tell friends or family members how absolutely ridiculous your partner is being.

All are completely natural reactions.

Yet none of them get you what you really want… more love, connection, closeness, trust, affection, fun, peace-of-mind… 

Sometimes having a great marriage requires you to do the OPPOSITE of what’s natural.

You literally have to combat your most basic human instincts.

That’s not easy.

Don’t believe me? Try to avoid yawning when someone else in the room yawns… or squirming when someone tickles you.

Not succumbing to basic instincts requires effort.

The first step to overcoming that negative instinct when you’re feeling hurt or disappointed with your partner? Get curious.

Curiosity forces you to use a more “evolved” part of your brain. You get out of the “reptile brain” whose sole purpose is to keep you alive… and you move into the creative, problem-solving part of your brain. That’s where you access empathy, compassion, and understanding.

Why am I feeling this way? Where did this expectation come from? Why am I taking this personally?  Why does this hurt me so much? Does my partner really have malicious intent?

The more good questions you ask, the quicker you find your way back to connection.

So, in the end, curiosity didn’t kill the cat… curiosity kills CONFLICT!

People who embrace curiosity are my FAVORITE.

That’s why I’ve become friends with Monica Tanner. 

She’s one of the most curious people I know. She’s always looking for areas where people struggle and thinking, “Hmmmm… I wonder why that’s happening? What tool or a mindset shift that would help this problem go away, or become more manageable? What expert out there has an answer to this?”

One of the things she recently got curious about is why people don’t have a deeply fulfilling sex life. So… she got together with an amazing sex therapist, Cami Hurst, and they put together a 14-day “Complete Intimacy Challenge.”

Their goal is to help couples step out of the frustration, arguing, and shutdown… and instead, get curious, and take steps towards a more awesome and deeply-connected relationship.

If it sounds interesting to you, check it out here. (It’s like $27 bucks.)