Alison Armstrong often tells this story about how she and her friend were complaining to a man about why men seem to just get worse over time.

Ya know, you fall in love with a guy and he's really attentive, and he buys you flowers, and he asks you on dates, and he dresses nice for you.

And then you get into a relationship and they become slobs, and they're farting and burping, and they stop making those romantic gestures, and they just, they kind of let you down.

And the man that they were complaining to said, "Oh, I see. You're frog farmers."

And they were like, "What, what are you talking about?"

And he said, "Some women turn frogs into princes. And other women turn princes into frogs. You're frog farmers. You take good guys and you bring out the very worst in them and turn them into frogs. "

The Allison's friend was really pissed off about that comment and she got really defensive and frustrated. But it made Alison think, and set her on this journey to studying men for several decades.

And she's now one of my favorite relationship experts on the planet.

Whenever I hear the story, it always makes me think about all the little things that we do that bring out the worst in our partner.

And we're all susceptible to this.

But what we want in a relationship is to bring out the best in each other.

So today I want to talk about five things that you might be doing that might be turning your prince or princess into a frog.

1. Fundamental Attribution Error

The first thing we're going to talk about is Fundamental Attribution Error.

This is when you assume that when your partner does something negative, it's because they have an inherent character flaw, but when you do something negative, it's because of your circumstances.

For example, when I'm running late, it's because I'm really busy and preoccupied. But when you're running late, it's because you're lazy and you're disrespectful of other people's time.

Or when I'm a bad driver, it's because I'm just in a real hurry. But when somebody else is a bad driver, it's because they're an asshole.

Or when I don't initiate sex, it's because I'm stressed out or I'm really tired. But when you don't initiate sex, it's because you're sexually defective, or you're selfish, or maybe you just don't love me anymore – you're not capable of loving me.

Do you see how in every one of these examples, when your partner's misbehaving it's because it's inherent in who they are, but when you're misbehaving, it's typically because of circumstances and it doesn't have anything to do with you?

That is fundamental attribution error. And when that starts showing up in your relationship, it will bring out the worst in your partner.

2. Passing Off Your Anxiety To Your Partner

The second thing we're going to talk about is when you pass off your anxiety to your partner.

Dr. David Schnarch says that when you can't control your own negative emotions, what you'll do is try to manipulate and control everybody else's behaviors to make yourself feel calm.

So here's what that might look like:

Maybe I can't handle the anxiety of telling my parents, "We are not coming home for Christmas."

So rather than having that uncomfortable conversation with my parents, I just guilt trip my partner into spending every single Christmas with my family and only doing our traditions at the expense of their family and their traditions.

Here's another example. Maybe our income has decreased over the last few months and it makes me feel really uncomfortable to have to follow a strict budget and cut back on some lifestyle choices, because it means I can't have the things that I want.

So rather than following a strict budget, and making some financial sacrifices, I get angry at my partner and tell them they're not doing their job to provide for the family. And that gives me permission to continue spending the way that I want to spend, but making it their fault.

Or maybe I'm upset because our marriage feels unfair because I've washed the dishes every single night, this week. And my partner hasn't touched them.

So what do I do to deal with those unfair feelings?

Well, I get angry at my partner and I lectured them, and I nag them, and I make them feel like a failure as a partner, so that they'd hopefully step up their game and do the dishes out of obligation and take that pressure off my shoulders.

When you can't manage your own stress, and anxiety, and negative feelings that inherently show up in any relationship, you're going to pass on the management of those feelings to your partner. And it's going to make them want to withdraw and disengage from the relationship.

3. Invalidation

The third thing we're going to talk about is invalidation.

This is when you make your partner feel crazy for experiencing life the way they experience it.

Part of what makes us fall in love with somebody is that they make us feel understood.

They get us.

They listen to our perspective, and our opinions, and they validate them. And they put theirselves in our shoes and see the world through our lens.

And what somebody does that for us, it makes us feel not alone, and loved, and accepted for exactly who we are, which is what we want.

And when you take that experience away from your partner, you can leave them feeling completely devastated.

For example, let's say you say something that hurts your partner's feelings. Maybe you use the wrong tone of voice.

It doesn't matter whether you did this intentionally or unintentionally. What matters is that their feelings were hurt.

If they approach you and say, "Hey, that really hurt my feelings."

And you say, "What are you talking about? I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. You're making stupid stuff up in your head. You're crazy. I don't owe you an apology. I didn't do anything wrong."

What do you think their response is going to be?

Well, they're not going to want to get closer to you.

They're going to check out of the relationship.

And more often than not, if this continues over time, your partner is going to seek out somebody who will validate them.

And that could mean the end of your relationship.

4. Bids For Connection

The fourth thing on the list of frog farming activities is not responding to your partners bids for connection.

Brené Brown recently told a story at one of Oprah's events about her daughter coming home with really hurt feelings after a day at school.

And she told her mom that she had told some of her close friends a secret at recess.

And when they came back from recess, the entire class knew her secret. And they were making fun of her for it. And they got so disruptive that the teacher started taking marbles out at the marble jar.

If you were ever in elementary school, you probably know what the marble jar was for. Essentially the way that this teacher ran the room is when the students were behaving, and doing good things, and engaging in the class, she would add marbles to the jar.

And when they were misbehaving and being disruptive, she would take marbles out of the jar.

So Brené Brown's daughter's secret was getting passed around the class, and she was getting teased for it. And the teacher was just taking marbles out of the jar.

And her daughter was just humiliated.

So, she came home and she said, "Mom, I'm never going to trust anybody again."

And Brené, in that moment, saw an opportunity to teach her daughter a little bit about trust. And she said, "You know, trust is a little bit like the marble jar. There are some people in our lives who show up for us in little ways, and it's like adding marbles to the jar. Do you have any marble jar friends?"

And her daughter was like, "I do, I do have marble jar friends."

And she started telling her mom stories of friends who would scoot over and make room for her at lunchtime. Or friends who remembered her grandma and grandpa's names.

They would do these little things that made a big difference for her.

And that same marble jar concept holds true in relationships.

Dr. John Gottman did some incredible research where he discovered that the most fulfilled couples on the planet had a ratio, on the low end, of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. And on the high end, that was around 20 positive interactions to every one negative interaction.

So these happy couples are putting more marbles in the jar than they're taking out on a regular basis.

And Dr. Gottman's research also found that when your partner makes a bid to connect with you, when they send you a funny meme on your phone, or they reach out to hold your hand when you're walking by each other, or they ask you how your day was, those positive interactions actually means a lot.

There are essentially three ways you can respond. You can respond positively when your partner reaches out to connect with you. You can respond negatively and reject their bid for connection. Or you can completely ignore it and miss it.

And I think the most interesting part of this research is that a missed bid for connection, or a bid for connection that gets completely ignored, actually does more damage to a relationship than a negative response.

So if your partner is out there sending you texts, leaving you little notes, kissing you on the cheek, and you are ignoring their bids to connect with you. And you're not even responding to them. Your partner is going to stop trying.

And as a matter of fact, instead of trying to make positive bids for connection, they might start making negative bids for connection. Because just getting a reaction from you, even if it's negative, it means more to them than being completely ignored.

And I think this is the source of a lot of misbehavior in relationships. Is people get sick of their partner missing or ignoring their bids to connect with them.

5. Lack of Appreciation

The fifth and final frog farming activity that we're going to talk about today is the lack of appreciation.

I was talking to a man the other day and he said, "I feel like my job in our family is just to be a bank. I'm a sperm bank, I'm a piggy bank. And my partner basically just keeps me around to help parent the kids and pay the bills."

And on the other hand, I've heard women complain that it feels like their partner's, just an extra child that they have to take care of.

They're just a glorified maid, and a chauffeur, and maybe even like a sex object. But they don't get any real, meaningful connection from their partner.

Now, when I hear people complaining about this, I know immediately that there's a huge lack of gratitude and appreciation in their relationship.

And when I talk to these couples and ask them why they're not more appreciative of their partner, oftentimes the first thing that they say is, "Why should I express gratitude to my partner for doing the thing that they're supposed to do anyway? It's my partner's job to do the laundry. It's their job to empty the garbage. It's their job to do the dishes. Why should I say, thank you for that? I do my job and I don't get any gratitude for it."

And my response to that is if you go to a restaurant and the server brings you your food, do you say, thank you?

You probably do.

If you're at the grocery store and somebody bags your groceries for you, do you tell them, thank you?

Probably. Because you're a decent person.

So why can you think those people for doing their jobs and you can't thank your partner for doing theirs?

If expressing some appreciation towards your partner for doing some of those little things that make your life a little bit easier is a net positive on your relationship, why wouldn't you do it?

It costs you nothing.

It's free.

It requires very little effort.

I don't understand why people want to die on this hill. I don't get why they dig their heels in on this

Life is better and relationships are more enjoyable when you're with people who appreciate the contributions that you make.

So be that kind of person!

Be the kind of person that other people like being around. 📍

What's Next?

Now, there are a lot of other things that you might be doing that might be bringing out the worst in your partner, but this is just a small selection of things that I thought of when preparing for this specific episode. And I wanted to share them with you.

If they resonated with you, if you're like, "Oh my gosh, I have frog farming tendencies. I'm doing things that are bringing out the worst of my partner." I want to invite you to come check out the Epic Marriage Club for seven days for free.

In the Epic Marriage Club, I have a ton of activities and resources and workshops and tools that can help you stop frog farming. And as a matter of fact, do the opposite!

It will help you start to bring out the best in your partner and help you elevate the quality of your relationship.

Just go to epicmarriageclub.com/plan to check that out, and learn more about how to not be a frog farmer.