Growth Ecosystem Pt 3: What separates the best marriages from all the rest!

December 17, 2019 Nate Bagley

Over the last 3 weeks, I’ve been breaking down this new idea I call the Growth Ecosystem.

The idea is that having a growth “mindset” is not enough to create change in your life.

Most people can dig deep and make positive short-term changes to their lives — like sticking to a new health routine, writing a few chapters of that book you’ve had in your head, or strengthening that weak spot in your marriage.

But if they’re not living in an environment that encourages those changes to stick, they fall off the bandwagon, old habits take over, and they find themselves right back where they began.

Nothing feels worse than putting in a sincere effort to change your life for the better… and failing.

Enter the Growth Ecosystem.

Two episodes ago I talked about having a goal, or an ideal to strive for… just like a plant constantly strives for the sun.

A good goal inspires you.

It provides you with meaning and purpose.

And as Victor Frankyl says, “A man with a why can overcome any how.”

Your goals keep you focused.

And when your purpose is clear and meaningful, the struggles that come between you and your goal become opportunities.

Last week we talked about how your you absorb the beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors of the people you spend the most time with… just like a plant absorbs nutrients from the soil.

Your community will also keep you firmly rooted in your values when the storms of life come along.

But if your community isn’t a positive influence on you, these storms can was you away, and you can lose everything that’s important to you.

The people you surround yourself with matter more than you know.

Today I want to talk about the third (and last) part of the Growth Ecosystem.

Can you guess what it is?

You’re right! It’s the “Water.”

In nature, water = life and growth.

If plants can’t access a relatively steady supply of water, they dry up and die.

Look at a desert, for example.

Life is pretty sparse… until you stumble across an oasis.

An oasis can be as simple as a little mud puddle. But around that mud puddle is life!

Animals. Plants. EVERYTHING gathers around water.

Without water, you whither up and die.

Now, think of nearly any are of your life where you’ve experienced real, meaningful, and measurable growth.

Maybe you were learning a musical instrument. Maybe you were learning a new skill or subject in school. Maybe you were excelling in a sport.

What was the common denominator that contributed to that persistent, and maybe even explosive growth?

Accountability!

Think about it, if a professional athlete wants to get a slight edge on the competition, what do they do?

They hire a coach to critique their game, find all the areas where they’re weak, and run them through persistent drills to strengthen their weaknesses.

If you want your kid to learn a musical instrument, what do you do?

You put them in a room with a much better musician! Someone who can show them the ropes, teach them new techniques, send them home to practice, then check in on their progress a few days later.

Whether it’s a coach, a teacher, a boss, a therapist, or just a supportive friend, explosive growth occurs when someone (other than yourself) is holding you accountable!

Now think about your marriage.

Have you ever thought about implementing a system of accountability to help you create the most epic marriage possible?

Most people haven’t.

But the principle definitely holds true!

That’s why therapy works for so many distressed couples.

It has less to do with sitting down to talk about your “feelings” every week… and more to do with the fact that the therapist is holding you accountable every week to do the kind of things that make you a better partner.

But therapy isn’t for everyone?

Most people go see a therapist because their marriage (or their life) is in crisis.

Odds are that’s not you.

So, if you want to maximize your potential for growth, what’s your alternative?

Here are some ideas for you:

1. Find some marriage mentors. Ask a couple whose relationship you admire to meet with you once every few weeks or months. Tell them you want them to help you create an amazing marriage like theirs. Ask them for help navigating obstacles. Seek their counsel when you make big decisions. Marriage mentors are an amazing resource. Our marriage mentors are some of our best friends! (“We love you too, David and Gretchen.”)

2. Hire a therapist or coach. Just like the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, the best time to find a therapist or coach is when you don’t desperately need one. One of the first things my wife and I did when we got married was find a therapist we love and trust. We told her we wanted to use her as maintenance to help us navigate small issues before they became big problems. We love her, and every time we go in, she tells us she LOVES seeing us.

3. Start, or find your own marriage group. Some churches have groups like this. I know several people who have cultivated a group of couples that get together on the regular to connect and have “real talk.” If you go this route, make sure you’re meeting with people who are willing to be vulnerable and share what’s going on in their life… and someone who will be an advocate of the relationship, and encourage you to be your best. (Remember the importance of your “soil.”)