About once a week I get a message from someone asking what to do about porn...

Here's how it usually plays out. (Not always... but usually.)

Husband secretly watches porn.

He's been doing it off-and-on for a while. Often times it's when he's feeling lonely, stressed, overwhelmed, or depressed...

He hates himself for it because it's against his values...

He feels like he can't stop...

And he's afraid that if his wife finds out, she'll divorce him and he'll lose everything.

The wife finds out.

Sometimes her husband confesses...

Sometimes she discovers it...

Most of the time she feels hurt. Even betrayed.

She has lots of unanswered questions.

"Why did you keep it a secret?"

"What else are you hiding?"

"Do I even know you?"

"Am I not enough for you?"

"How long has this been going on?"

They start looking for a solution.

The immediate question for most people is "How can we make the behavior stop?"

They reach out to therapists, religious leaders, maybe even friends and family.

They start doing research online.

They want answers. Help. Support. Direction. ANYTHING...

Some people join Facebook groups.

Others go to a treatment program for "porn addiction," or therapy for "sex addiction."

Others try to figure it out on their own.

And too often, the result of these paths is that it kills the intimacy in the relationship.

One partner (the wife) is turned into the monitor. She doesn't want to get hurt again. She doesn't want to lose her marriage...

So, she starts monitoring his internet and phone use. She asks for his passwords. Takes him to therapy/treatment. Checks in with him regularly...

And she does all this with the hope that her husband won't have another "slip up"... while hating the fact that will probably happen.

While all this is happening with the wife, we turn the other partner (the husband) into a selfish, immature perpetrator without self-control, or a moral compass. He is constantly fed the message he is unworthy of trust, and will always (eventually) disappoint his partner.

He walks around in constant fear that he could make one mistake and lose everything.

Nobody hates himself more than he does... and that's saying something.

How is a couple supposed to thrive under these conditions?

There has to be a better way to overcome this struggle...

A way that will create space for intimacy and trust to be rebuilt, while still allowing for accountability and shared values to be explored.

And that's why I decided to participate in the Rethinking Porn Addiction conversations.

Every week I get together with a group of friends, therapists, and sometimes our wives.

And we show what it's like to have healthy, shame-free, productive conversations about porn.

We examine our upbringings, our stories, our judgments, and experiences with curiosity.

And we explore the principles and values of sexual health: shared values, honesty, consent, non-exploitation, shared pleasure, and prevention of STI's and unwanted pregnancy.

This is the first of those conversations.

I want to invite you to check it out. (And share it with a friend who might need it.)

And if you want more, check out Rethinking Porn Addiction.