Your partner roll’s their eyes at you, and sighs in exasperation. You feel a dagger of embarrassment and shame run through your heart.

You are having a great day when suddenly your partner bursts through the door after a stressful day. You can tell they’re in a bad mood. They are short-tempered with you, and your stomach balls up in knots from the stress they brought into the room.

Your partner says something that makes you feel like they’re intentionally targeting what they know to be one of your biggest insecurities, or sensitive subjects. You withdraw, shut down, and a sense of betrayal and sadness washes over you like an unexpected cold ocean wave.

Things like this happen all the time in marriage.

Sometimes they happen because our partner is being an inconsiderate turd. Other times we just take things out of context.

So, how do you know when the pain you’re feeling is due to poor behavior that you should address with your partner, as opposed to when it’s a hypersensitivity that you need to address on your own by learning to self-soothe and give your partner the benefit of the doubt?

Kyle Benson and I talk about learning to regulate your emotions and deal with stressful situations in this episode.

Kyle Benson

Hi, I’m Kyle. I study how partners in healthy relationships intentionally – talk to each other, have passionate sex, stay emotionally connected, and more – to uncover the tools and perspectives that make love last. My work has been featured in dozens of major media channels including Business Insider, U.S. News, The Chicago Tribune, Huffington Post, and more.

My website started in the hardest and loneliest moments of my life. You can read my story here and on DatingAdvice.com.