The Formula for Love (Seriously)

I figured out the formula for love. Nope, I’m not joking.

Friends who know me well have seen me pull this out late night at a bar. It’s my intellectually stimulating version of a party trick. Since I’ve shared it with a number of people, and most seem to get a kick out of it, I figured it’s about time I publish it on my blog.

I came up with the initial formula in February 2012 after a guy broke my heart a little bit. After thinking through a ton of other relationships since then (mine and other people’s), I’ve edited it a little bit over time. But, the gist of the formula has remained the same since the beginning. So here it is, ladies and gentlemen—my formula for love.

I wrote about the first part of the formula—Rightness—last month. I’ll copy and paste it below for ease. Plus, I also left out a hugely critical component of Rightness—which is “Authenticity"—so I’ll talk about that below.

1. Rightness

When it comes to choosing who to be in a committed relationship with, it all starts with the rightness funnel above.

Before you choose a relationship, you need to whittle down your pool of options. You start with “everyone in the entire world," and that pool goes through a ‘Demographics Filter."

Demographics Filter

The demographics filter weeds out anyone who you will literally never have the opportunity to fall in love with due to factors like geographic location, language barriers, and unbridgeable cultural differences.

You’re left with the population of people on the planet who share enough demographic similarity. That factor alone whittles the selection pool down quite a bit.

Next comes the interests filter.

Interests Filter

Interests can range widely, and the desired ratio of common-to-dissimilar interests varies greatly from person to person. The purpose of this filter is to weed out people who have very different interests from you, to the degree that it inhibits the growth of a high-engagement relationship between you and another person. For instance, if you’re really passionate about your area of work and it’s important to you that you have a partner who is also passionate about and understands the kind of work you do, that is a highly desired common interest. Interests can relate to a whole slew of things, including:

• Hobbies
• Weekend activities
• Education level
• Movies
• Music
• Career
• Volunteering
• Traveling

The interests filter whittles your “potential" pool down to only those you share enough and/or the right common interests with to make a high-engagement relationship even possible. What I mean by “high-engagement" is that two people can experience and enjoy enough things together, which allows them to develop an important closeness and high level of mutual understanding between each other.

Chemistry Filter

The chemistry filter is exactly what it sounds like: do you have a physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual chemistry with someone? It’s rare to find all four of these things in one person, but they are all critically important for long-term relationships. If you’re not stimulated and there isn’t a shared chemistry in those four distinct areas, at some point, you’re going to feel like things are missing and try to fill the gap, probably with other people. This is what people refer to when they talk about “emotional cheating."

I certainly don’t think it’s realistic that anyone would never be physically attracted to another human being again once they get into a relationship. But, I’m just going to go ahead and say it: I think the right person is someone you can deeply connect with on all four levels. When I say “connect," I do not necessarily mean “agree." It’s entirely possible to have very different opinions from someone else and still feel a ton of chemistry. In fact, I’d argue that a little bit of disagreeing is important because it allows two people to learn from and growth with one another.

Any way you spin it, chemistry matters.

Values Filter

Once you get through the chemistry filter, you’re left with only the people you’re attracted to romantically, and share enough common interests with.

Now comes the good stuff.

The values filter is perhaps the most important one of all. Values represent everything that you hold in the highest regard. They are often a mix of dreams, goals, beliefs, and personality traits that make up the foundation of who you are. They are the parts of yourself you don’t want to compromise on, even when you’re in love.

For instance, say having children one day is critically important to you—one of your values is building an incredible family. If that’s the case, you would not want to end up with a partner that does not want children.

Or, say one of your values is kindness—you believe in treating everyone around you with upmost kindness, and it’s important to you that your partner does the same. That means anyone who didn’t highly value kindness would probably not be an ideal values fit for you.

Values and interests can overlap. For instance, for some people, building a family is an interest more than it is a hobby. For other people, having common career goals in a relationship is a value rather than an interest.

Values often tend to include the following:

• How to raise a family
• Core, unshakeable personality traits
• Political beliefs
• Religious beliefs
• Business ethics
• Individuality
• Approach to marriage
• Strong geolocation desires

The values filter gets you down to a list of only the people who have pretty much matching and/or complimentary value sets. This is critical. If two people have misaligned values, it’s not going to work. In fact, I think misalignment of values is by far the major reason most marriages fail. Most couples don’t talk about all of their values to make sure there is alignment; they wait until it’s too late. The bigger issue is that many of us don’t take time to sit down and really map out what our values—our non-negotiables—are.

If you want to be in an incredibly successful relationship, it’s critically important that you understand your values, share them with your partner, understand his or her values, and truly see if there is a long-term match.

After you go through a values filter, you’re left with the very small number of people who you can actually build a happy and meaningful life with.

For some people, this number is in the thousands. For others, it’s in the single digits. I think it totally depends on your filter mechanisms.

*Authenticity

This factor is absolutely critical, and I can’t believe I left it out of my original post about Rightness last month.

Here’s the deal. Choosing your partner is an enormous commitment. I don’t think most people have any idea of the weight of that commitment before they make a decision to get married or otherwise be with another person for life.

Assuming you and your partner only get married once (which I think is what most Americans want—though, it’s totally crazy that more than half of us will work through a divorce at some point in our lives) and you find him or her relatively early on in your life (before you hit the halfway point), you’ll spend more time with your partner than pretty much anyone else in the world—including your parents, siblings, kids, colleagues, friends, etc. Obviously, there are exceptions. But you’ll know and spend more time with your partner than pretty much any other individual.

The only person you spend more time with? Yourself.

And that’s what the authenticity filter is all about. You’ll know you are coming very close to meeting the absolute love of your life when you find someone who makes you feel more you.You know how most of the time on a first date or in a relationship, you have an invisible script playing in your head constantly? “Does (s)he love me? Am I good enough? What does (s)he think of me? Is (s)he happy with our date plans? Am I pretty enough? Am I out of my league? Did I say something wrong? Does (s)he think I’m stupid?"

You know how it goes.

When you find the love of your life, that person will make it past this filter. He or she just lets you be completely yourself. You don’t even think twice about it. You never feel as free, non-judged, accepted, embraced, and loved for exactly who you are as you do with that special person.

Moreover, he or she catalyzes your best self. You feel challenged—emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, etc. You feel like he or she will be your greatest champion, and is never trying to “fix" you or turn you into someone you’re not. When you do something crappy or make a bad decision, this person will love you regardless—but will also be willing to give you real talk advice when you want or need it.

If you feel more like yourself—good and bad, all aspects of you—around this person, that’s a surefire sign you’ve found an incredible fit that most people in life find only once or twice…if at all. When you find this, never let it go. This person will always bring out the best in you and make you feel completely at home.

"X" Factor

This is the very last filter. The “X" factor is the immeasurable experience you have with another human being on this planet. You meet that person, and you just know. You just get this sense that he or she was built for you. That you’d fit perfectly together. That if that person asked to marry you, you’d say yes. No hesitation, no second guessing.

There’s no way you could ever put a finger on exactly what the “X" factor is. That’s what makes it so special.

I don’t think this kind of love comes around very often. I don’t necessarily think many of us find it at all over the course of our lives. And it’s very possible that there’s more than one person in the world who you could find the “X" factor with—I have no idea. But, a quality of the “X" factor is that, once you experience it with someone (and you’re able to pursue it and allow it to flourish), you just know you’ll have eyes for only that person. Maybe you’ll find other people physically attractive or emotionally beautiful along the way. But, nothing will compare.

When you meet someone like this, you can look at that person and see the whole world in his or her eyes. You are immediately captivated. There’s no doubt—you know you’ll be in love forever.

The “X" Factor love is a once-in-a-lifetime thing, if you’re lucky. It leads to the most spectacular, long-lasting, meaningful kind of love. I can tell you for sure that this kind of deep love is possible. And so you can, of course, hold out for it. But you’ll need to consider how long you’re willing to wait.

That’s what we’ll talk about tomorrow: the risk/reward of relationships, and how to make smart decisions when deciding whether to get into or stay in a relationship.

2. Sponginess

Sponginess represents how willing and able you are to soak up the love that comes your way like a sponge. It’s comprised of three different parts:

• Personal History - i.e. the baggage you carry and the lessons you’ve learned from past life experiences and relationships. This is the set of memories that colors how you behave in relationships, how much you trust your significant other, and your ability to love deeply.
• General Openness - How willing you are to “lay your cards on the table" - to reveal and share all the parts of who you are, including past experiences, personal beliefs, values, and interests.
• Propensity for Vulnerability - The willingness and desire to be vulnerable in the face of uncertainty and potential pain/loss. Having a wide open heart and being able to give your whole heart to another person, despite past pain and loss.

I define the difference between openness and vulnerability as follows:

Openness is the willingness to tell other people your story—vulnerability is your willingness to let other people be part of it.

3. Timing

Timing is the third and final factor of the love formula. It represents how “on" the timing is between you and another person. Season of Life - The stage you are at in your life. Totally separate from age (which is a demographic variable), “season of life" is more the mental/emotional age you are at. For instance, say a 25-year-old female who has a clear career path and a very immature 30-year-old male who is lost in his career found each other. If “career" is a big value to one or both people, then the value paths don’t match up, and thus, the relationship timing is off. The timing could be on at some point in the future when dude gets his act together career-wise- but until then, it creates a rift in the relationship.

Geolocation - Where in the world you and another person are. The physical distance that separates two people.

* Note: The “Rightness" and “Timing" factors are weighted (that’s what the “W" is for). For instance, for me, “Rightness" holds a heavier weight than “Timing". If I found a guy who was exactly the “right" man for me, I’d figure out the issues with timing and distance. But, for others, “Timing" may hold a heavier weight- this could be true for a foreigner who lives abroad for work in a country with just a small population of people with a similar demographic background (like language). The selection pool is a lot smaller, so perhaps in this instance, geolocation matters more than a perfect “Rightness" fit.

Sponginess, however, is a necessity (that’s what the “N" is for). It’s the one piece of the formula that must exist at a high level. Both people need to rank pretty high on their individual ability to:

1. Learn the best lessons possible from past experiences
2. Be open to sharing their story, and
3. Have a desire to be vulnerable and open-hearted with a potential significant other

No high sponginess, no true and lasting love. Simple as that. Rightness + Sponginess + Timing = Love Quotient Love Quotient represents the total compatibility “score" between two people. Scores are categorized in three ways: Low, Medium, and High.

• Low -These relationships represent the non-starters. The ones where you go on a few dates with, or maybe even date for a few months, but eventually die out because it’s not a “right" fit and/or the timing is exceptionally off.
• Medium - This is the category most relationships fall into—even many marriages (I’d argue most, actually). I call these the “don’t-fix-it-if-it-ain’t-super-broken" relationships. This is when enough of the factors are in play that, depending on your sponginess level, can make another person seem like the perfect fit. A lot of times, perfect fit is judged based on demographics, interest,s and chemistry (the first three parts of “Rightness"), but not enough (or at all) on values, authenticity, and that special “X Factor." As a result, you wind up being in a relationship for a long time thinking your significant other is a great fit - until you uncover a difference in core values and ability for authenticity, which makes the longevity of the relationship unsustainable.
• High - This kind of love is the Holy Grail of relationships. I know you’ve seen The Notebook (I’m looking at you, too, boys). Everyone dreams of having that kind of crazy, passionate, fulfilling, challenging, awe-inspiring love. In my experience, I’ve seen very few relationships fall into this category—perhaps 10-20% of all relationships in America. I think there are a lot of reasons behind the psychology of why that is, but we’ll save it for another blog post.

The Importance of Hardship

The thing that separates “High LQ’s" from “Medium LQ’s" is hardship: death, illness, financial crisis, adjusting to and taking care of children, losing a job, moving to a new city, etc. Hardship is the stuff in life that inevitably happens—and a couple can only get through (and thrive as a result of) hardship if they are really aligned in all corners of “Rightness," “Sponginess," and “Timing".

When all of these factors are operating at a high frequency, it creates deep love and trust. That, in turn, makes your partner your absolute best friend, lover, husband/wife, father/mother, teacher/soundboard in the world. It takes two people becoming all of these things for one another to overcome immense hardship.

And the overcoming of hardship and total appreciation of life, adventure, and one another?

That, coupled with rightness, sponginess, and even timing is how you know you’ve found true and lasting love.

I can’t wait to hear about the greatest love story you’ve ever heard or lived. Leave a comment below!

[jbox title="About the Author" border="5" radius="15"] This post was originally published on Melissa's blog. Ever since she was able to understand the concept of “true love,” Melissa has been insatiably curious about what that looks and feels like—and how we can all cultivate long-lasting, passionate, deeply fulfilling romantic relationships. She is love learning about human behavior and potential, and lives for helping people take big leaps in their lives to start amazing projects or companies.[/jbox]

Isaac and Amy - Lovers Who Get It

Here's a story with some good, old fashioned romance. Last year, Amy agreed to marry Isaac after one of the most epic proposals of all time:

One year later, they pay tribute to the people that made their love possible with one simple word. "Yes."

Watch it. I dare you not to get even just a little teary-eyed.

Science Religion & Love

Last weekend I went to a huge BBQ full of people I'd never met. I love parties like this, because I absolutely relish the looks of shock and confusion I receive when I answer the third of the typical first three default getting-to-know-you questions. When I meet someone new, the conversation almost always goes like this:

Stranger: "Hi, what's your name?"

Me: "Oh, I'm Nate. Nice to meet you."

Stranger: "Are you from around here?"

Me: "I'm from Salt Lake City." ‘

Stranger: "Oh, that's cool... so, what do you do?"

Me: "I interview couples who are madly in love with each other."

Stranger: "Wait... you what?"

I love the reactions I get when I tell them I devote my time to something so completely unexpected.

Typically The Loveumentary leads to some really great, meaningful, and exciting conversations culminating with the other person asking me with hope in their eyes, "So... what have you learned from this so far? Have you reached any awesome conclusions?"

It was exactly at this point in one such conversation with a girl that I'd just met that this guy who had been listening in to our conversation interjected.

"Don't you already know all the answers? I mean, we learned it all in church growing up. Just read your scriptures, say your prayers, put God first, and your relationship will survive."

It's not often that I'm left speechless... but this guy took me completely off guard. It too me a few seconds to formulate a response.

"You realize," I said, directing my attention to him, "that True Love is not exclusive to people who are religious, right? You don't have to pray to fall head over heals for someone, or attend church every Sunday to experience the joy that comes with loving and lasting commitment."

"Oh... yeah. I guess that makes sense," he said.

This guy rattled my senses a little bit. I had forgotten the huge role religion often plays in relationships. I was reminded that many of these deeply religious types believe they have a monopoly on happiness...

Which brings us to Carl Sagan, one of the most important and influential scientists of our generation. Sagan was also a very vocal Agnostic who believed that it was too difficult to prove or disprove whether or not God exists given the information we currently possess.

I recently stumbled on an incredibly moving and beautiful short film [embedded below] featuring Sagan's relationship with his wife Ann Druyan. It was truly fascinating to see and hear where the roots of their profound love for each other originated if they couldn't attribute it to God.

Carl and I knew we were the beneficiaries of chance, that pure chance could be so kind that we could find one another in the vastness of space and the immensity of time. We knew that every moment should be cherished as the precious and unlikely coincidence that it was.” -Annie Druyan

It is fascinating to see how similarly grateful and amazed the God-fearing saints and the "godless heathens" are when given the opportunity to experience true love.

Love is something that every person - gay or straight, tall or short, old or young, religious or not - desires and deserves. It's our universal common bond. It's what gives our essentially short lives meaning and purpose in this vast universe.

So, next time you meet someone who appears to be so fundamentally different from you, remember, you have at least one thing in common... and it's your capacity for love.

All Single Dads Are Criminals

I remember that look. The peering eyes of ice-cold judgment, with just a hint of disgust. He reached for his cell phone like he was about to call 911 while his hateful stare pierced through me. He was making direct eye contact like he knew what I had just done. Everything was dirty. There was a seriously foul smell in the air, and flies that were boldly landing directly on my skin, and that of the innocent little 6-year-old girl in pigtails I took to this disgusting place.

I had to get out of there before anybody else could see me with her. So I grabbed that cute little blonde who was still wearing only her bathing suit and made my escape, narrowly avoiding a situation that was sure to escalate. I didn’t want any trouble, I did what I had come to do.

This feeling of shame is one I’ve felt more than once.

This particular time, I was on a daddy-daughter vacation with my kiddo in San Diego, when all of the sudden I *really* had to use the restroom. It was just me and her, and a filthy public bathroom by the beach.

Being a dad didn’t come with a handbook, and neither do daughters. Every time we were out in public and there was no family restroom, I was faced with the question, men’s bathroom or women’s? Either I take her into a women’s restroom and look like a pervert, or take her into the men’s... and look like a pervert.

I’m sure my own shiftiness and level of discomfort projected a different image. Here I am, trying to be the best dad in the world. I’m trying to show her every major kid experience she can dream of: DisneyLand, SeaWorld, camping, fishing, ocean kayaking, Ice Capades... freaking Taylor Swift concert. I’m doing all kinds of things I would never imagine myself doing, and often doing them wrong. This list also includes occasionally invading the women’s restroom, or taking my own daughter into a men’s bathroom stall while I did my business (mind you, I taught her to face the other way — I’m classy like that).

Am I sure if that’s the correct way to do things? Absolutely not. I will be honest, I have no idea. I watch moms effortlessly shuffle their little boys into the women’s restroom as they get "oohs" and "ahhs" and kids get handed lollipops for being such grown-ups, while my daughter is faced with the equivalent of an occasionally smelly timeout and a bunch of angry men hating on her dad. Even women give me “the look.” They stare in disbelief that I am allowed to be escorting a minor (without an adult companion or chaperone with less testosterone) or even running a background check first to make sure I was clean.

But I muscled through these experiences for the sake of my daughter. I made countless mistakes, always with the best intentions. I’m not a criminal; I’m just a single dad struggling to figure out the best way to do things, same as all you moms.

So what’s the point of this incredibly long prelude? Is it just to make the point that gender inequality which cuts both ways needs to stop? Is a cry against our male-dominant society? Or simply an attempt to have more family bathrooms installed on beaches?

Queue Chuck Testa: “Nope.”

The point is that we all make mistakes and are judged by other’s perceptions of us. But as long as you’re trying your best and always have positive intent, and LOVE is your driving force, these situations pale in comparison to the positive experiences that come from your actions. As a single dad, you can’t let your own fear of how people will judge you stop you from being a badass dad.

My daughter doesn’t even recall these horrific memories, which I’ve been scarred by. Those times when I had no idea what I was supposed to do, but I made judgment calls based on what I thought was best at the time. She remembers getting splashed by Shamu while wearing light up earrings with her dad. She remembers burying her dad in the sand up to his head. She remembers how beautifully terrifying the ocean can be when you’re in a 2-person canoe.

Women have dealt with gender inequality since the Paleo diet was mistakenly invented. As a man, and as a father, showing my daugher how to handle this obstacle with dignity and strength is just as important as showing her the world and just enjoying being with her.

So I fought against my own social anxiety and through that hate being projected at me, looked that man in the eye and said “It’s Friday, and it’s a beautiful day for a daddy daughter vacation. ‘Don’t nobody go in the bathroom for about thry-fi, fowty-fi minutes. Somebody open a winda.”

The guy’s demeanor quickly changed. He chuckled, my daughter and I ran back to our sand castle, and I avoided getting arrested.

But seriously, they really should have more family bathrooms in public places.

[jbox title="About The Author" border="5" radius="15"] Chris Hooley is an master of the interwebs, a good friend, a hilarious writer, and most importantly, an amazing single dad to his fantastic daughter. You can follow him on the Twitters here. If you enjoyed this post, I'd love it if you'd subscribe to the blog or the free podcast, and share it with your friends using the icons below. Thanks again for dropping by, I love you![/jbox]

My Most Terrifying Secret

Self-pity and self-loathing are running rampant and crippling some of the most incredible people this world has to offer. For me, self loathing typically sprouts its evil soul-destroying tendrils in my heart when I’ve done something incredibly dumb and I’m petrified that someone else might find out. The shame for my foolish decisions sets into my abdomen like a cold frost, then eats away at my heart like ravenous honey badger. I become consumed with a genuine fear that the revelation of my secret will devistate the people in this world that I love the most.

So, I bury my past. I find a deep dark pit in my soul where I can bury my icky parts. I live alone with my secrets in this darkness.

Most of us who have endured the pain of self-loathing and shame do so in a state of emotional solitary confinement. We suffer in secret because of a fear of how the people we love will react when they learn who we truly are.

We turn the people we love into involuntary participants in our shame.

The day I realized this, I recognized how unfair this was to my loved ones, and to myself. I was spending hours wallowing in private misery over feelings and conversations that hadn’t - and may not ever come to pass.

With this new knowledge, self-love has become a process of learning to carefully expose the things I have hidden in the darkness to the light and love of others. As I’ve learned that I am capable of being loved and accepted by others, even while standing naked before them (metaphorically, of course) with my fears, doubts, and insecurities completely exposed, learning to love myself has become incredibly rewarding.

Conquering shame and self-pity and replacing it with self-love (just like any other form of love) starts with taking that giant leap into vulnerability.

That leap into vulnerability requires raw, unadulterated courage.

It requires staring your most personal demons in the face. It means the potential of causing pain and suffering to the people you love and yearn to protect.

You must invite your loved ones to be the heroes who can help you slay your demons rather than the chains that bind you to your emotional prison. You never know. They may just surprise you.

In the spirit of practicing what I preach, I’m offer you one of my vulnerabilities. Something that I’ve had stored up inside me for a long long time. It’s a secret that very few people know about me.

I’m currently going through a crisis of faith.

I was raised in a very religious household in a very religious community, and over the past few years have begun to experience doubts and feelings of estrangement from my life-long faith…

And I’m terrified.

I’m terrified that I’ll be judged and condemned. Terrified of the potential my doubt has to disappoint or insult my deeply devout family. Terrified that this will all but eradicate my chance of being a desirable spouse. Terrified of the possibility of eternal suffering caused by my choice to willingly stray from the path of a God I’ve always claimed to know, love, and follow.

I don’t know what this doubt means about me at my core as a person, or what it means about my future. I don’t know how it will affect my most cherished relationships. But I know that I can’t carry it alone.

So now you know. And now (if the people close to me read this, which they probably will) they know. It’s time for me to start shining a light into that darkness and falling in love with my icky parts.

I invite you to do the same.

Thanks for Reading!

I originally published this post here, but I decided it was worth it to share it with you with the hope that it will help you feel a little less alone. If you enjoyed this post, I'd love it if you'd subscribe to the blog or the free podcast, and share it with your friends using the icons below. Thanks again for dropping by, I love you!

Love's Counterfeit

Have you ever fallen hard for someone - like, really hard for someone - and they just didn't feel the same way about you? It's the worst! Especially when there's no sane reason this person shouldn't like us back.

Our minds start racing for an explanation...

"What's wrong with me? Am I just broken? What is it that I'm missing that he/she wants? What can I do to be 'good enough'?"

We can spend hours dwelling on awkward moments from the past, and missed opportunities. We ache for some sort of acknowledgement. We yearn for any sign that our unobtainable lover still thinks of us, even if it's a simple "like" of one Instagram photo or a text message.

We daydream about them. We create and recreate fantasies in our heads of what could or should have happened. We try to reason out why the "right" things never came to pass. We hold onto these feelings for weeks, months... even years. We sit and mull over this person - the one who got away. Some of us even resort to fantasizing that one day (after the early death or "unfortunate" breakup with their current significant other) we'll get another chance.

We can't let them go, because we are so madly, and deeply in love with them...

WRONG!

Ok, I hate to break it to you, but what was described above is not love. This type of over-the-top, unrealistic, intense, borderline-crazy feelings for one person is called obsession... one that we have all been guilty of (at least to a small degree) at one time or another. It's rooted in our own feelings of inadequacy and a deep-seated need for validation and approval.

Obsession almost seems to be romanticized in media. Pining over someone for years is constantly portrayed as sweet or even noble in film. When we obsess, it's common to be completely blinded by our obsession until another 'better' person provides a wakeup call... and even then we can remain in brainwashed ignorance.

Love is not a need for approval, or acceptance. Love is accepting someone because of their innate human flaws and imperfection. Love can only be given, not taken. Love is selfless. It's a desire for the happiness of others, not selfish and longing for validation or self-fulfillment.

"Loving someone means we don't need them but instead we want to share our lives with them, and most importantly we want to support them on their life' journey. That means giving them the foundation to let them go and be whatever is going to allow them to grow as people and to fully experience life. There is a huge difference from "you have to stay with me no matter what" or "you can't do this to me" to "I'm here loving you; go try out life".

In obsessive relationships it is all about us not the other person. And in a strange way, even though these relationships are all about us, we have no power. By needing someone we give our power away and sometimes the recipients can be quite cruel; a game that gets set up: I give you my life and you can abuse it because the truth is I'm needy and you resent me for that."

-Deborah Calla, The Difference Between Love and Obsession

We must let go of the idea that the elusive person we always wanted but never had is the only way to feel like we are "enough." We need to stop mistaking obsession for love. It's time to love ourselves and be confident that we are "enough" regardless of whether the person we care about most loves us back or not.

As Leo Buscaglia so beautifully put it, "Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love."

If you enjoyed this post, I'd love it if you'd subscribe to the blog or the free podcast, and share it with your friends using the icons below. Thanks again for dropping by!

It's Not About The Nail

"Don't try to fix it. I just need you to listen." Every man has heard these words. And they are the law of the land. No matter what.

It's funny because it's true.

Don Jon's Addiction

Joseph Gordon-Levitt's new movie, "Don Jon" (check out the trailer after the break)is a story about a guy caught up in some superficial and selfish lifestyle. His whole world revolves around his body, his pad, his ride, his family, his church, his boys, his girls, and his porn... until he meets a girl... a girl who loves unrealistic romantic comedies. I'm excited to see how JGL tells this coming-of-age story. It's one that needs to be told.

The movie is obviously meant to make us think. Do porn and rom-coms distort true love? Does watching either one change our expectations of what we truly desire from a relationship? If we could replicate what we experience on the screen, would it make us happy? Tell me what you think in the comments!

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