The Couple That Plays Together Stays Together

The Difference Between The Masters of Love and The Disasters of Love...

John Gottman - arguably the foremost expert on romantic love - has shared some incredible findings from decades of studies around what makes amazing relationships. The most fundamental principle that comes up again and again in his writings is...

You've gotta be friends!

Seriously though. You can't have an incredible, lasting love without a strong friendship... the kind of friendship you constantly cultivate.

Being friends means you have to talk to each other, be interested in each others lives, support each other, be kind to one another, help each other through your struggles, and most importantly...

YOU HAVE TO HAVE FUN!

Here at The Loveumentary, fun is mandatory! I believe that couples should have so much that I literally started a company dedicated the idea. Unbox Love is a date-in-a-box subscription service. We literally send you everything you need to have an awesome date together to your doorstep every month.

It's been amazing over the last several months to get emails and notes from people telling me how having a regular date night has completely reignited their relationships!

My challenge for you today is to step away from the obligations, the commitments, and the stresses of life. Put off doing the dishes for one night. Turn off your phones, tablets and computers. Put the yard work off one more day... and just play!

Go on an adventure. Play a game. Ask each other questions you haven't asked in a long time. Build a blanket fort and read each other a book. Have a tickle fight. Or go on a date...

Speaking of dates, here are a few great ideas of free (or really cheap) dates you can do together provided by the amazing Dating Divas:

Cheapest Date Challenge

Challenge your spouse to see who can pull off the best (and cheapest!) date night. In fact, see who can plan the best FREE date night! Challenge accepted!

Deal or No Deal

You might not win the million dollar prize, but you WILL definitely win over your spouse’s heart with this fun and sexy twist on a popular t.v. game show.

Frisbee Golf With a Twist

This is a unique game that doesn’t cost a dime! And the best part? It uses items that you can find around the house!

Campout for Two

If you have the gear, camping is a GREAT option for anyone who is pinching pennies! Put up a tent (the more secluded the better!) and voila! You have a romantic getaway for two!

Tourist In Your Home Town

You don’t have to go on some expensive exotic vacation to discover new places! Research what your own town has to offer and get going! You might be surprised at how much there is to see!

Go spend some time as friends tonight, and leave the worries of being responsible, tax-paying, child-rearing, deadline meeting adults for another day.

How The Loveumentary Changed One Man's Life... And What It Means For You!

Last week I got to have a talk with my new friend (and fan of The Loveumentary) Kan Adachi. Kan is in insanely talented calligrapher. During our conversation, he told me that a handful of his lettering projects have been inspired by The Loveumentary podcast. Here's his powerful story in his own words: Hi, my name is Kan, and this is my story of how the Loveumentary changed my life.

I distinctly remember having less than ten dollars in my bank account in college while I was working a part time job that paid a nice hourly wage. I was hooked on keeping my emotional state high through spending money. I also remember a myriad of other unpleasant experiences like desperately holding on to a failing relationship (which eventually became unsustainable) and not being able to perform up to my standards in school. This was a low point.

But then, like so many other life-changing stories, I met somebody who made all the difference. She saw my shortcomings as part of the path I was walking to become a stronger version of myself. She held me, supported me, and encouraged me to continue becoming all that I was meant to be.

I quickly realized that this relationship was something I did not want to screw up, but I was still heartbroken and emotionally unstable; I was on my way to possibly sabotaging this potentially beautiful relationship. Coincidentally, right around this time, I stumbled across Nate’s Loveumentary podcast episode 36 & 37 with Ty and Terry.

These two episodes were nothing short of life-changing. It ignited my passion towards loving intentionally and being fully present and aware of my responsibilities in a relationship. Looking back, it is the exposure to these two episodes that is the clear inflection point on when I started to have a clear direction in life and become genuinely grateful.

I recently realized that the messages behind the Loveumentary are not just for the version of me that needed to be uplifted and needed practical advice for how to approach a relationship. It is also for the version of my significant other that was unsure if she should believe in me. At some point, she had to make a decision to risk, be vulnerable, and place her trust in my hands.

I am forever grateful that she did, and this is why I want to help contribute to Nate’s purpose. Unlike much of the self-centered, dating-for-my-gain mentality that has been woven into the fabric of the single’s society, It is about instilling a mindset of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and believe in others. This could not be any more relevant to me since it was my girlfriend’s choice to believe in me that kept me afloat through the valleys of my life trajectory.

Keep loving, everyone. You will make all the difference in someone’s life.

I was completely blown away when I heard this story. I never thought that a project I started would have an influence on someone else's live in this way.

I asked Kan if he would create a piece specifically for you!

And he said yes!

So, over the next few weeks he's going to be sharing with us the process of how he creates this beautiful work of art, and when he's finished, you'll be able to buy a limited edition print of it to display in your home or office!

I can't tell you how excited I am for this. It's so cool to be collaborating with someone who shares the same passion I have for The Loveumentary.

You can see one of Kan's pieces in the header of this blog post (in case you have images disabled). And here's a pencil draft of what he's working on for us. It's not the final product, but it will give you an idea of how insanely talented this kid is:

How To Order A Print:

Prints will be available in a few weeks. They will be 12"x12". The color of the prints and paper are still not determined. Shoot me an email if you want to pre-order one, and I'll give you details!

Upcoming Events

I have some more great news for you! I'm going to be headed to New York City and San Francisco in the next few months to put on some workshops, and if you're in the area, I'd love to see you!

I'll be updating you with more details as they come available, but I wanted you to get them on your calendar as early as possible so you can be sure to attend. If you can't make it to the seminars, I'm going to try to host a meetup in each city where we can just hang out for a few hours.

(If you're in San Francisco or NYC, let me know if you have any recommendations of cool places to hang.)

June 1 - 3 in Orlando, FL

I'll be in Orlando for a conference from June 1 - 3. I'd love to get together with some of you. Shoot me an email if you're interested and we'll put something together.

June 12 - 14 in New York City

Advanced Ed NYC On Friday the 12th I'll be leading an evening workshop. Then on Saturday and Sunday I'll be giving a 2-day seminar on creating powerful, lasting love and relationships.

Seating is limited for both the Friday and the Saturday-Sunday events. If you want to be there, shoot me an email and I'll make sure to reserve you a spot before tickets go on sale!

June 23 - 24 in San Francisco

The Passion Co. On Tuesday the 23rd I'll be giving a Passion Talk for The Passion Co.

On Wednesday the 24th I'll be running a 3 hour Passion Workshop. Details are coming soon! I'll let you know as soon as registration opens. But if you're in the SF area, I'd love to see you on either (or both) night!

I'm looking for other opportunities to speak! If you belong to a community (meetup, church group, club, business, etc.) that wants to learn how to strengthen relationships and create more fulfilling love, just drop me a line to let me know. Bonus points if you're in NYC, San Francisco, or Utah, and are available during a date when I'll be in or around your town.

You'd Rather Be Comfortable than In Love

What You Already Know Could Change Your Life...

... but it probably won't, because you like being comfortable too much.

The cure to obesity is to have a healthy diet and exercise... but it's easier to eat processed foods and be lazy.

The best way to stay out of debt and avoid bankruptcy is to never spend more money than you have... but it's easier to buy what you want, and just put it on a credit card now.

You could write a book, master a new language, or learn an instrument, with just a little bit of practice and daily effort... but motivating yourself to put in the work is way harder than binge-watching a whole season of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix.

You could have an incredible, passionate, connected, dynamic, committed, romantic relationship... but you'd rather play it safe and stay in your comfort zone than have the love you crave.

You'd rather use the excuse of being busy with work or taking care of the kids than make the extra effort to plan a romantic date.

You'd rather turn down your partner's advances because you're not in the mood than to entertain the idea of passion.

You'd rather wait for the other person to make the first move than risk looking the fool.

You'd rather watch a movie come up with thoughtful questions that could inspire a meaningful conversation.

You'd rather scream, walk away from a conversation, and slam the door behind you than listen compassionately, and show understanding and forgiveness.

You'd rather read 50 Shades of Gray than a book that could educate you on how to be a better partner.

In short, you'd rather be comfortable than in love!

Winners are those people who make a habit of doing the things losers are uncomfortable doing. -Ed Foreman

If you want to win at the game of love - ok, not just the game of love, the World Series of love - you have to make yourself uncomfortable. You have to stretch. You have to constantly recommit yourself, educate yourself, improve yourself, dig deeper, give more, and practice practice practice.

Or as one of The Loveumentary's past podcast guests said,

Marriage is a continual process. It’s a re-commitment to each other. That it requires continual forgiveness, continual self-growth and examination. -Lara Ward

Allow Yourself to Be Awkward

Whenever you're venturing into new territory, or growing and stretching yourself, you will experience a learning curve... and that can be really awkward.

I remember how awkward I was when I went to my first co-ed dance when I was 14.

I was terrified to even make eye contact with a girl, let alone ask a girl to dance!

I spent the majority of the dance either standing in a circle with my friends, bobbing my head - or if I got really courageous, I might bust out a few of the whitest dance moves you've ever seen.

As I attended more dances, it got less and less awkward to ask a girl to dance. It got to be a lot of fun! I began anticipate when slow songs were going to come on, and I'd position myself next to a girl I had a crush on so I could ask her before any other guys.

I grew to love dancing so much that I took some ballroom classes, and even started looking for opportunities to dance on a regular basis.

Give yourself permission to be awkward and look stupid. You won't be good at something new the first time you try it.

You'll wobble on your bike and crash a few times before you get the hang of riding a two-wheeler. You'll make some really ugly cupcakes, and weird tasting cookies before you can open your own bakery. You'll write some really horrible blog posts before you become an author.

You might have some really funny and awkward experiences in the bedroom before you master sex with your partner. You might feel like a complete idiot trying to change the way you listen and communicate. (The words "Wow, that sounds really tough, tell me more." sometimes feel really weird coming out of my mouth... but they've helped me become a better listener.) Following a budget is going to be uncomfortable at first...

But the people who are willing to look stupid and feel uncomfortable are the ones who will experience the kind of love the rest of us only fantasize about.

So, what can you do today to make yourself uncomfortable? How can you embrace the awkward? What are you really committed to... love, or something else?

When Life Doesn't Go According to Plan

Sometimes life refuses to go according to plan...

Six months ago I was engaged, and my plan for 2015 was to be married and living in cute little house with the woman of my dreams as we built our future life together.

At the moment, I'm single and sitting in my basement. I've spent a lot of time contemplating what went wrong.

Life obviously did not go according to my plan.

We initially pushed back our wedding date in October to give ourselves some much-needed space and time. Three months later we decided it was best to call off our engagement entirely to allow ourselves to tackle some personal struggles.

I remember waking up the day after our breakup and realizing my worst nightmare had become a reality. (I literally had nightmares about calling off my engagement.)

I know, people break up all the time. Every day couples are calling off their engagements, or getting left standing at the altar, or going through struggles of infidelity, bankruptcy, loss, or even dead bedrooms.

Life goes on, right?

Well, none of those people have a project called The Loveumentary dedicated to learning and practicing the things that make amazing relationships a reality. (Or at least that's what I told myself.)

Needless to say, after the breakup I was really angry, confused and scared. I felt like a fraud. There were moments where I felt completely unworthy of love or that my heart would never heal.

It was pretty bad.

Breakups are horrible. Life is sometimes really really hard. Love is risky...

But getting hurt is not what this post is about.

This post is about having a plan... and what happens when that plan goes horribly wrong. Like, the opposite-of-the-way-you-thought-plans-would-go kind of wrong. The what-the-heck-just-happened-are-you-freaking-kidding-me kind of wrong.

I have a foolproof plan...

I recently realized that every time I've had one of those shake-your-fist-at-the-sky-and-scream-at-the-top-of-your-lungs moments it's because I've been attached to a specific outcome. I wanted something to happen really really bad... and despite all of my valiant efforts the thing did not happen.

I make plans all the time... and here's what it sounds like inside my brain:

"I'm going to say/do A, and then she's going to say/do B, and then I'll respond with X, and then she'll see things my way, and we'll all be happy!"

Plans are simple, easy, straightforward.

If everyone followed my plans, life would be so much less painful, and everyone would be so happy!

Then I read this amazing quote by Dwight D. Eisenhower which led to a moment of exquisite clarity for me:

Plans are nothing. Planning is everything.

Plans work the opposite of the way life works.

Life is chaotic, complex, and random... and when pitted up against my plans, life always wins, and I lose.

Planning vs. Having a Plan

As I've reflected on the chaos that has been my life over the last several months, I've learned a valuable lesson: Getting fixated on a plan generally leads to disappointment... but there is HUGE value in planning.

Planning involves preparing, considering all the possibilities and contemplating potential outcomes, then formulating a response for all of these circumstances.

Our love life is probably the area where we make the most "plans."

We have "a plan" for our honeymoon. We have "a plan" when we're going to buy a house. We have "a plan" for how romantic vacations will unfold, when we'll have kids, how many kids we'll have, and how well-behaved they'll be. We have plans about how our bodies will look, how much energy and money we'll have, and how our love will always feel easy.

If all we get attached to a plan of how we think life should be, our marriages and relationships will be fraught with disappointment, frustration, and conflict... because life happens, and our plans get destroyed.

Or as Mike Tyson said, "Everybody has a plan 'till they get punched in the face."

Instead, if you are rigorous in your planning - if you prepare and avoid getting attached to "a plan," - you can roll with the punches when it rains through your entire honeymoon, or when you can't afford a house in the first 5 years of your marriage, or when traffic or sickness threatens a romantic getaway. You can still find joy and happiness when you are surprised with twins... even very rambunctious twins, or when you put on weight or lose your hair... or even when your engagement falls to pieces.

If you're finding yourself being constantly disappointed or stressed or looking around wondering how the heck you got where you are and what happened to the life you thought you'd have, ask yourself the question, "Am focused more on planning, or on living out my ideal plan?"

What can you do to start planning and preparing for the curveballs and bombshells of life? How can you educate yourself to handle jarring, unexpected situations with grace and poise? How can you develop the habit of seeing the good in everything... even when life doesn't go according to "the plan?" Leave your thoughts in the comments!

If You Dance, You're Insane...

...say the people who don't hear the music.

The Doctor and the Medicine Man

I recently heard a story of a young doctor who worked in a hospital in the Navajo Nation. One evening an old Native American man with long braided hair came into this doctor's emergency room. The doctor approached the man, and asked, “How can I help you?”

The old man looked straight ahead and said nothing.

The young doctor, desiring to help this man, tried again. “I can't help you if you don’t speak to me,” he said. “Why you have come to the hospital?”

The old man looked at him and asked, “Do you dance?”

The doctor was puzzled by the strange question when it occurred to him that perhaps this man was a tribal medicine man who, according to ancient tribal customs, sought to heal the sick through song and dance rather than using some of the more modern medical practices.

“No,” said the doctor, “I don’t dance. Do you dance?”

The old man nodded yes.

Then the doctor looked at the man and asked, “Could you teach me to dance?”

The old man’s response was thoughtful and inspires great reflection. “I can teach you to dance,” he said, “but you have to hear the music.”

Can You Hear The Music?

In my nearly 10 years of partner dancing, I've come across a lot of lessons that can be taken from dance and applied to relationships. This story reminded me of one.

You can spend hours watching, learning and practicing a dance, but something magical happens when you put that dance to music.

The music breathes a life into the movements. It gives them meaning and purpose. Somehow dancing makes you one with the music... like your body is producing the notes while at the same time, the notes are moving your body.

A good dance to an amazing song with an amazing dance partner is the closest thing I've ever experienced to magic in my life.

In the world of relationships, there are many "dance steps" you can learn to help improve your relationship. There are tactics, and tips, and principles that you can implement with the hope of fostering more love and connection over time, but...

If you do the moves without hearing and feeling the music, the moves never feel quite right. Ever see a couple exchange pleasantries through gritted teeth when they are visibly upset with each other?

Right moves, no music

Have you kissed someone knowing you were going to break up with them later that night... and you just got this weird pit in your stomach like you're living a lie?

You were doing the moves, but there wasn't any music.

Ever agree to sex while rolling your eyes, or complain about bringing home dinner for the family, or give a compliment with a hint of sarcasm, or begrudgingly offer to help put the kids to bed?

The moves are there, but the music is not.

Sometimes we need a little help getting the music started up again.

It requires us to stop dancing for a minute and check our radio dial.

What frequency are we tuned into? Are we stuck on a station of resentment, exasperation and frustration? Are we listening to the exhaustion, impatient, and short-tempered show? Or are we tuned into the music of concern, gratitude, patience, appreciation, acknowledgement, service, kindness, and love?

When you get tuned into the right music, the dance transforms and becomes the most beautiful thing you'll experience in this life.

It's OK To Look Crazy

As you dance the dance of love you'll come across haters.

These people will give you a laundry list of reasons why love is a joke. They'll tell you you're delusional, idealistic, and destined to failure. They'll criticize you for your commitment. They'll argue that you're throwing away your freedom. They mock your displays of affection. They'll complain about their own loveless relationships to see if they can get you to do the same.

“Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.” -George Carlin

These people will look at your dancing and think you insane because they are deaf to the music of love.

You're having a dance party in your car, and they're looking at you through the glass like you're nuts. If you ask me, it's their loss.

Don't stop dancing.

Ever.

What do you do to hear the music and dance with your partner? Leave your thoughts in the comments!

Why You Don't Have The Love You've Always Dreamed Of

This morning I was reading a book and I came across the following parable:

A story is told of a thief in ancient times who stole a magnificent coat. The coat was made of the finest materials including buttons of silver and gold. When he returned to his friends after selling the coat to a wealthy merchant in the marketplace, his closest friend asked him how much he had sold the coat for.

"A hundred pieces of silver," was his reply.

"You mean to tell me you only got a hundred pieces of sliver for that magnificent coat?!" asked his friend.

"Is there a number higher than a hundred?" asked the thief?

If I asked you if you wanted amazing, electric, passionate, lasting, committed, trusting, compassionate, patient, giving, forgiving love... you'd probably say, "Yes! Absolutely!"

I'll be honest, you're not unique. Everybody says they want that kind of love. Everybody... But it probably doesn't describe the love you have.

Why?

Because you settle. You stop practicing. You stop learning, growing, and putting in the effort. You're busy. You're committed to other things. You become resigned and make excuses like, "Well, this is just my reality. It's not going to get better than this."

I would assert that it's very likely that your love life is be your "100 silver pieces!"

You don't even think to ask for or want more, because you don't even realize that there is more than what you have!

The beautiful thing about love is that it can ALWAYS get better... and wanting it to be better is not bad! It's a really really good thing!

It doesn't matter how bad or how good your love life is, there is ALWAYS room for more connection, more commitment, more passion, more forgiveness, more understanding, more unity, and more adventure.

The world needs more of these things! Your life, your family, your friendships, your romantic relationship... they would all benefit from more of these things!

So now the real question is are you willing to do the work to create more of this "better" love in your life?

Are you willing to ask for what you need? Are you willing to ask others what they need to give you what you need? Are you willing to study, ask for help, try something new... and maybe fail, explore unfamiliar territory?

If you're ready to take the leap and stop settling for 100 silver pieces when there's an entire treasury waiting for you to reach out and pick it up, I want you to be a part of Love School.

Love School is 6 weeks of love training. Every Tuesday at 9:00 ET (8:00 CT, 7:00 MT, 6:00 PT) we will have a phone call about how you can create the type of relationship you say you want instead of just talking about it.

You can't get what you want by doing what you've always done. This course and this community is being created for you because it's time for you to have more.

I hope you are committed to creating incredible love, and I really hope to see you in class!

If You Haven't Asked Each Other These Questions, You're Missing Out On Some Serious Intimacy

Be Heard and Be Seen

Psychologist Arthur Aron has been exploring the idea that you can dramatically increase the intimacy between two people by asking them gradually more personal and vulnerable questions.

Your ability to ask a good question is directly correlated with your ability to truly get to know someone. If you're feeling distant from your significant other, it might simply be because you haven't developed the skill of asking good questions.

Take a few minutes tonight to sit down and go through these questions together. Listen intently to the answers your partner poses.

When you're done asking and answering these questions, spend 3 to 5 minutes silently looking into each others eyes. It might feel a little weird at first, but if you stick with it you'll see that being truly heard and seen has the potential to be a really powerful, and connecting experience.

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

31 Powerful Lessons on Love in 31 Years

This year for my birthday I wanted to share with you some of the most important lessons I've learned about love. It would mean a lot to me if you'd read this post. If you enjoy it, or something resonates with you, please share it with others. I've dedicated my life to helping people better understand what love is and to create amazing relationships in their lives, and I can't do it without people like you who read and participate in this community. Thank you so much for being who you are. I love you.

Now, without further adieu, here are 31 lessons on love to celebrate my 31 years of life.

1. Love is a choice you make every day. You don't just choose to love someone on your wedding day, and then you're set for life. Consciously making the same choice to love your parter every single day is incredibly powerful. Nothing has the ability take away your power to choose love.
2. Don't be afraid to be the one who loves the most. Most people never get to experience the love they dream of because they are scared to take the risk to be the one who loves the most. It's easy to play it safe and comfortable. It's natural to surrender what you want in the long term for what is is so easily accessible now. It's hard to risk hurting yourself or someone else for the chance of creating something incredible.
3. Love isn't fair... and that's what makes it so beautiful. Sometimes we are just lucky enough to find a person who will stick by our side and love us even when we think we don't deserve it. If you find someone like that, hold on to them.
4. Love is not happiness. If you're looking for an unlimited, constant supply of happiness, love is not for you. Love is, however, purifying, inspiring, motivating, and an incredible source for personal growth and improvement. Happiness in love, in my belief, is created as a result of the progress we make as individuals and as couples.
5. Love does not keep score. When you keep score in a relationship, it takes the joy out of loving and being loved. Suddenly something beautiful and selfless becomes a source of resentment, guilt and frustration.
6. Love is learned. Just like a language or a musical instrument, we learn love from the society and culture we're raised in, from our teachers and role models, and from our families. Most people have average love because they had mediocre teachers (who, more often than not, didn't even realize they were the teachers... or that they were average).
7. The most simple act of love is making and keeping a promise. Promises are the gateway to everything beautiful about love. They are the foundation for trust and commitment. Keep the small promises you make and you'll never have to worry about the big ones being broken.
8. You have an unlimited supply of love. Love doesn't have a quota or a cap. What determines how much you give or receive is... you.
9. To love others, you must first love yourself. Allowing your self-worth and value as a human to be determined by how other people feel about you is selfish, and a short road to disappointment, sadness, and never reaching your full potential.
10. Loneliness is never a good reason to be in a relationship.
11. It's not what you fight about that kills your relationship... it's how you fight about it. Some couples divorce over what is the correct way to squeeze the toothpaste tube. Some couples grow closer together after working through infidelity. You can't blame the point of conflict for the hurt it causes. Blame yourself for how it's handled.
12. You can turn any moment into a romantic moment. Romance is more often a choice than an effect of chemistry or serendipity.
13. Love is not a feeling. (The feeling most people refer to as love is actually called limerence.) Love inspires action. Love is a verb. Love doesn't wait. Love doesn't think. Love doesn't feel. As Bob Goff says, "Love does."
14. When you love someone - truly love them - you don't seek to change them. You love all of them. You wouldn't buy a cat and then ask it to fetch and bark and wag its tail like a dog. Don't choose a person and ask them to be something other than what they are. That is not love.
15. Love is more about being complimentary than it is about being compatible. If you wanted to marry yourself, you'd be happy being single. It's ok to look for someone different than you. Celebrate the differences. They will make you a better version of yourself.
16. The best relationships require boundaries. Just like football, without rules of conduct, goals, out-of-bounds, and referees, people get hurt and the game descends into chaos. It wouldn't be fun to play. It's important to set rules in your relationship that make you feel safe, and that encourage fair play. More often than not, these rules even make the game more enjoyable.
17. Love requires vulnerability. Sometimes the hardest thing to say is, "You hurt me." or "I screwed up and I need your forgiveness." Nobody will ever be able to fully accept and love you (faults and all) unless you first accept yourself enough to share your entire self with them. They can't accept and love a side of you they don't even know exists. Being fully seen requires true courage.
18. There is no magic recipe or formula for true love. There are as many versions of true love as there are people who claim to have it. you get to make up your own rules. Don't play by someone else's.
19. Never hold back a compliment and always think twice before criticizing. Appreciation and gratitude are rocket fuel for a relationship. Criticism is a cancer to love. Studies have shown that the most successful marriages have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. Next time you feel the need to say something negative, ask yourself if you've said 5 positive things since the last negative one.
20. Forgive people quickly and often (unless you're in an abusive relationship). Forgiveness doesn't mean the hurt goes away. It doesn't mean you forget what happened. It just means you stop punishing the other person for what they did. Let go. Move on. Give others the space and freedom to change.
21. It's the hardest times that make the best memories and create the deepest, longest-lasting bonds. If your'e suffering, suffer together. One day the suffering will end and you'll be glad you fought for each other instead of against each other.
22. There are few shortcuts to happiness... dancing is one of them. Rough day? Throw a dance party in the kitchen. Have a disagreement? Work it out while in each others arms. Don't know how to dance? Learning something new together is one of the best ways to bond.
23. Love knows no race, gender, age or religion. Love is the thing that unites us. We all want it. It is our common bond as human beings. Always remember, the person you hate has someone in their life that loves them dearly.
24. Sex is not love. Sex alone will not provide you lasting happiness. But sex is an incredible compliment to a loving, romantic relationship. The earlier sex is introduced to a relationship, the less likely the are to endure the test of time. Passion does not typically make for a very stable and enduring foundation for a long-term relationship.
25. Finding love is more about being the right person than finding the right person. If you're not prepared for the love you want, it's unlikely you'll be prepared to recognize the person who can give it to you.
26. Love has nothing to do with wealth, beauty, affluence, or prestige. There are plenty of rich, beautiful, and powerful people in the world who are lonely, sad, and loveless. And there are plenty of poor, homely, relatively invisible people who have a love greater than you could imagine.
27. One of love's greatest enemies is busyness. Show me what a man spends his time doing and I'll show you what he loves. If the way you spend your time doesn't reflect what you believe you value, it's time to either change the way you spend your time, or change what you claim to value.
28. One of the best ways to have an incredible relationship is to surround yourself with other couples whose relationships you admire. Having a good mentor, coach, or example will keep you in check, and give you something to aspire to. You truly are the average of the 5 people (or couples) you spend the most time with.
29. Always have something to look forward to. It will keep you looking forward and not wishing for, or analyzing the past. Whether it's a vacation, a date, or a class you want to take together, always have something positive on your radar in the not-too-distant future.
30. True love requires a generous helping of empathetic, judgement-free listening. If your parter has something difficult to tell you, and you react poorly (with anger or hostility), they will avoid telling you the hard truth in the future and opt instead for an easy lie. Lies undermine trust... which obliterates commitment... which destroys love. The way you listen and respond to the truth will reflect the long-term health and quality of your relationship.
31. Love is the absolute greatest thing we get to experience in this life. It's better than money or travel or pizza. It's more powerful than wars and hatred. It's more exhilarating than any roller coaster and will teach you more about yourself than any university. Love will stretch you and break you and put you back together as the most beautiful version of yourself. Love is what gives life meaning and gives us purpose. Please choose to love more.

Thank you for believing in love, and for sharing this post. It means so much to me to call you a friend, reader, and a fellow human on this earth who just wants the world and life to be a little better and brighter

Your Promise Is Your Power - Break Your Promise, Lose Your Power

This post was written as part of a collaborative e-book called Resurrecting Modern Gentlemen. I hope you enjoy it! You can download the full book here:[jbutton link="http://goo.gl/PLb06t" halign="center" size="large" color="green" rounded="no"]Download The Book![/jbutton]

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It was 9:00 at night on a Friday night. I was sitting on the lumpy old couch in my basement apartment… crying.

My life was a mess. I was feeling stressed and overwhelmed. I hadn’t been sleeping well for the last week, my relationship with my business partner was strained as our company struggled to grow, and I could feel the stress of my bank account quickly dwindling down to zero dollars and zero cents.

As I looked to the other side of the couch, I saw my girlfriend - the woman I love more than anyone in the world - hugging her knees with tears in her eyes. The last few weeks had been tough on our relationship as well. The choices I had been making were going to drive us apart and end our relationship.

Everything was unraveling. I felt hopeless, as if the damage I’d done to the people and things I cared most about was irreparable. The life I wanted with a flourishing business, and the girl I loved was slipping through the cracks, and I there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

Or so I thought.

The word “integrity” suddenly popped into my mind.

On January 1st of this year, I chose the word “integrity” as the theme for the next 365 days of my life. Since that time, I’ve read books on integrity, taken classes on integrity, and done a great deal of work to create more integrity in my relationships and in my life.

To me, having integrity means that I am a man of my word. It means when I say something, I do it. No excuses.

Suddenly, I was having an out-of-body experience. I could see myself sitting on my couch in that moment, feeling disempowered and helpless, and something inside me clicked.

“The reason you’re struggling,” I said to myself, “is because you haven’t kept your promises.”

I could choose to be the victim of circumstance and say that the life that was crashing down around me was not my fault. I could blame it on bad luck, other people, or even just the chaos of life… or I could take responsibility for it all.

I knew if I was going to hold on to the things I had worked so hard to create, then I had to own up to my lack of integrity - my broken promises, and my unmet commitments. Then I had to make new commitments… and keep them.

Many men I know are scared of making promises.

In their mind, promises are just another opportunity to disappoint people. Promises don’t leave room for much gray area… either you keep them or you don’t. I hear the words, “I’ll probably,” or “I might,” or “If I have time,” come out of their mouths as they throw out a safety net of protection to shield themselves from the consequences of their potentially broken promises.

“I said I’d do it if I had time,” they say, after disappointing and emotionally distancing themselves from yet another person they care about.

What most men have forgotten is that promises are the very foundation of strong relationships. When I make and keep promises to others, they learn that they can rely on me. It creates a bond of trust.

As you continue make and keep promises - even little ones - the trust others have in you, and the trust you have in yourself and your ability to deliver on promises will grow. Your relationships will strengthen and flourish. This trust will inevitably develop into commitment.

The Thrill of Commitment

One of the most meaningful things you can experience in life is when your relationships evolve into a state of commitment.

When you’re in a committed relationship, whether it’s a friendship, a business partnership, or a romantic relationship, it means that you and the person (or people) you’re committed to all share the same vision. It means you’re all willing to work towards and fight for the same cause. It means you get to participate in the creation of something greater than yourself.

Being in a committed relationship is evidence that your track record for making and keeping promises has earned you enough trust to be invited into someone’s inner circle, and to participate in creating something important with them.

When a man is creating something with people he trusts, it means he’s living his purpose. He’s expanding, progressing, and growing.

The legendary Chicago Bulls of the mid-1990’s are a perfect example of this. Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Dennis Rodman, Tony Kukoc, and the rest of the Bulls created a cohesive unit where each could trust the other to know and fulfill on their role. Jordan and Pippen dominated the scoreboard, while Rodman pulled down rebounds, and Kukoc dropped outside jumpers.

As they continued to develop and grow, they pushed themselves to the best season in NBA history, and multiple championships.

None of this could have happened without commitment, dedication, and continuous progress from every member of the team.

Growth Leads to Happiness

When you’re surrounded by the people you trust, committed to a higher purpose, and experiencing growth, you will inevitably experience the happiness you so desperately desire.

At the end of the day, all we really want is to be happy. Too many men get caught in the trap of searching for shortcuts to happiness through means that compromise their integrity. Rarely do these sources of happiness last. So they bounce from woman to woman, hobby to hobby, addiction to addiction, or job to job in search of the “right” thing… when in reality, that which will make them happy is right there the whole time.

And it all starts with being willing to make and keep a promise.

If you’re not seeing the results you want in life, whether it’s in your work, your family, your friendships, your spiritual life, your physical well being, or your love life, ask yourself this question: “Where am I lacking integrity? What promises am I not keeping that I made to myself, to someone else, or to God?”

Take ownership of your broken promises. Make new ones. And keep them.

That’s exactly what I did, and now my business is growing, my girlfriend and I are getting married, and I couldn’t be happier with the direction in which things are moving.

Your ability to make and keep promises makes you who you are.

Make integrity a part of your nature, and you’ll find yourself living the full, happy, and fulfilling life you’ve been searching for.

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Love Your Selfie - Day 30

Day 30 - Social/Emotional/Spiritual/Intellectual/Physical

It’s day 30— the final post in our challenge. For days I’ve wondered what words would best seal this discovery of self. It’s quite overwhelming to select one subject that ties together topics ranging from power posing to protein, lentils to laughter and kindness with cold showers. My desire in doing this challenge was to expand our visions of “health” into the much broader and infinitely more fulfilling concept called “wellness”— to create a lasting significance and satisfaction that comes with exploration and exercise of our emotional, physical, social, intellectual and spiritual hearts.

I started this process on day one by asking you to lie down in starfish pose and have an honest assessment of what wellness meant to you. When you rose from the floor, each of you had formed a unique foundation upon which you’ve built the last 30 days. The only thing that remains is a capstone to connect and crown this freshly constructed fortress of wellness.

To place it, you must first see it. So for your final tool of construction, find a camera. You’re about to get the social go-ahead to do what many embarrassingly tease and joke about doing behind closed doors: “the selfie”. Yes, I want you to take a photo of yourself. This one won’t be on social media so don’t worry about your most attractive angle or which filter leaves you in the best light. This picture is for your purposes alone and the less doctored the better.

Go ahead. Take your picture. Now, before viewing it, let’s introduce an emotion that often eludes us as humans: gratitude. Begin by expressing gratitude to yourself for whatever level of participation you’ve put into this 30-day reformation of wellness. Next, reflect on any impressions or inspiration you’ve received while reading and recreating your own version of you. Whatever insights you’ve received, feel gratitude to a God, creator or universe that graciously gave them to you.

Now view your photo. If critical thoughts are the first to come, go ahead and allow them entrance but assess their presence by asking yourself the following 10 questions:

1. Do you love yourself enough to forgive yourself?

2. Do you love yourself enough to forgive others?

3. Do you love yourself enough to nourish your body with life-affirming nutrient-rich food the way nature intended?

4. Do you love yourself enough to exercise your body, to stretch, build and strengthen its physical abilities?

5. Do you love yourself enough to seek for eternal truth for both soul and spirit?

6. Do you love yourself enough to live in the moment — to forget the past and not worry so much about the future — to be "present" in every moment of your life?

7. Do you love yourself enough to be kind? Not only to be gentle and giving to others but also to be tender with self?

8. Do you love yourself enough to set aside essential time for sleep and rest?

9. Do you love yourself enough to consistently expand your mind by learning new things and embracing new experiences?

10. Do you love yourself enough to have fun, to laugh, to have joy, to release stress, relax and take the time to re-energize?

These 10 questions should sound familiar if you’ve followed along on this journey. They address many of the critical aspects of wellness we’ve been exploring— and most importantly they all have one common denominator: a deep and enduring love of self.

I described it on day one as the ultimate goal of this venture: love of health, love of self. Beautiful things happen, both in body and soul, when you allow your own love to envelope you. Some may say this is the first step in the remarkable God-like ability to give love to others.

As author Brendon Burchard wrote:

“At the end of our lives, we will ask… Did I live? Did I love? Did I matter?”

My friends, the answer to all three questions depends on how you feel about the face smiling back at you. My hope is that this time we've spent together has increased your ability to think well of yourself because wellness begins with you.

Daily Challenge

Read the above post, follow the exercise and ask yourself the questions. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and many will be out showing their adoration for their significant others. On this special day dedicated to the celebration of love: do something you’ve likely never done before… start with yourself first.

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[jbox title="About the Author:" border="5" radius="15"] Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Certified Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.[/jbox]