Episode #55 with Mike and Becky

[powerpress]

Being Grateful For Your Trials

Mike and Becky seem almost too good to be true... and that's why I love them.

One thing that stood out to me as I re-listened to this interview is the attitude Mike and Becky have towards each other, and the respect and esteem they have for their marriage.

Their marriage inspires them to be the best version of themselves.

I believe they feel so lucky to have each other and have so much respect for their marriage that it has completely changed how they experience life. They don't want to threaten or jeopardize something they deem so sacred, so they put an incredible effort to preserve and nurture everything that is good within their relationship... and they find ways to turn the trials into blessings.

It takes a special kind of person to be grateful for the good in life along with the bad. During the interview Mike mentioned how one of their biggest trials was when his wife was diagnosed with diabetes... then not 10 minutes later, Becky talks about what a blessing her illness has been, and how she's been able to use it to help, serve, and uplift other people struggling with the same disease.

There is a level of love that remarkable couples tend to reach that sets them apart from others. It's a realization that their relationship with each other extends beyond personal satisfaction. Their love carries beyond their partner. It even spreads beyond their children and immediate family.

Truly incredible couples realize that they way they love each other, and they way they respond to their trials and challenges can have an impact on their community and the world. They use their marriage as a catalyst to inspire and uplift others. They set themselves as examples and role models. They see the value in sharing their struggles, and uplifting those who are hurting and suffering.

The lesson I learned from Mike and Becky is that life is what you choose to make it.

What did you learn from this week's podcast? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

I hope you enjoyed our conversation with Mike and Becky. Here are some of the things we talk about in this episode, as well as some of the resources that were mentioned:

• Waiting till marriage to have sex.

• Burn the ships. Don't use the "Divorce" word.

• Be grateful for each other and the work you do for each other

• Child rearing conflicts. Good cop vs. Bad cop

• The Love Monkey (holds love notes, and they'd hide him from each other)

• When Becky got diabetes

• Talking about sex with kids on their level

• Focus on the Family

• If you make it through one trial, you can be better prepared and stronger for the next one. There are no back doors.

• Being grateful for the good and the bad

• How much joy and excitement marriage can bring into your life

• Finding your love language

5 Partner Workouts That Will Get Your Blood Pumping... If Ya Know What I Mean

Couples That Exercise Have A Secret Advantage...

Here's the thing about working out... even though it's not always fun, it leaves you feeling AMAZING afterwards. That's because physical activity releases all sorts of hormones and endorphins into your brain that send you into a euphoric state, and reduce your perception of pain.

If you find yourself stressed out regularly, or arguing a lot... maybe it's because you're not working out regularly.

Another added bonus of working out is that it makes you look sexy! And who doesn't want to be sexy?

I know I do... which is why I work out.

Your Challenge:

I spent a bunch of time perusing YouTube in an attempt to find some really fun, relatively short, and unique partner exercise videos.

Pick one, set aside 15 minutes tonight, and do it with your partner! I promise you won't regret it.

Partner Up Yoga: Stretching & Flexibility Mat Workout

This workout is great if you're not up for any intense movements. Just sit down together and get your stretch on. You'll be using each others bodies to limber up and relax. This is a video you should not be scared of.

'Good Morning My Love' Partner Yoga Sequence for Couples

I picked this video because it just looked fun and playful. It's a good Saturday morning pajama workout to do together after some mookie (morning nookie), and before your french toast breakfast.

Partner Workout with Kelli & Daniel

This is a really basic workout that you can have fun with at your own pace. The only equipment you might need is a medicine ball, but you could get by without it.

Buddy Up! Partner Fitness Exercises

This is another pretty basic workout that most people should be able to do. You can increase the intensity if it seems to easy or modify the movements to your ability level.

Partner Up Yoga: Acro Yoga Workout with Vytas Baskauskas

Acro yoga won't be for everyone, but if you're looking to try yoga as a partnership, this is a great place to start! They break down the movements and move nice and slow so you don't get overwhelmed. This is definitely one I'll be trying this week.

Up For a Bigger Challenge?

Ever wanted to do something big? Something crazy? Something you never thought you could do?

Maybe you've always wanted to train for a triathlon, or a marathon... or maybe even an Ironman race.

If you want to tackle something big this year - especially if you want to tackle something big with your partner - send me an email.

My friend, Nat is an endurance trainer and has offered to put together a training program (geared specifically towards couples). If we can get enough people on board, he'll put together a program to help us train, and make what seems impossible into something that is SO possible.

Send me an email if you're interested! I really want to do this with you guys.

What workouts do you do together? Have you noticed a change in how you show up in your relationships when you exercise as opposed to when you don't? How do you fit exercise into your life when it gets busy? I'd love to hear your ideas in the comments...

The Couple That Plays Together Stays Together

The Difference Between The Masters of Love and The Disasters of Love...

John Gottman - arguably the foremost expert on romantic love - has shared some incredible findings from decades of studies around what makes amazing relationships. The most fundamental principle that comes up again and again in his writings is...

You've gotta be friends!

Seriously though. You can't have an incredible, lasting love without a strong friendship... the kind of friendship you constantly cultivate.

Being friends means you have to talk to each other, be interested in each others lives, support each other, be kind to one another, help each other through your struggles, and most importantly...

YOU HAVE TO HAVE FUN!

Here at The Loveumentary, fun is mandatory! I believe that couples should have so much that I literally started a company dedicated the idea. Unbox Love is a date-in-a-box subscription service. We literally send you everything you need to have an awesome date together to your doorstep every month.

It's been amazing over the last several months to get emails and notes from people telling me how having a regular date night has completely reignited their relationships!

My challenge for you today is to step away from the obligations, the commitments, and the stresses of life. Put off doing the dishes for one night. Turn off your phones, tablets and computers. Put the yard work off one more day... and just play!

Go on an adventure. Play a game. Ask each other questions you haven't asked in a long time. Build a blanket fort and read each other a book. Have a tickle fight. Or go on a date...

Speaking of dates, here are a few great ideas of free (or really cheap) dates you can do together provided by the amazing Dating Divas:

Cheapest Date Challenge

Challenge your spouse to see who can pull off the best (and cheapest!) date night. In fact, see who can plan the best FREE date night! Challenge accepted!

Deal or No Deal

You might not win the million dollar prize, but you WILL definitely win over your spouse’s heart with this fun and sexy twist on a popular t.v. game show.

Frisbee Golf With a Twist

This is a unique game that doesn’t cost a dime! And the best part? It uses items that you can find around the house!

Campout for Two

If you have the gear, camping is a GREAT option for anyone who is pinching pennies! Put up a tent (the more secluded the better!) and voila! You have a romantic getaway for two!

Tourist In Your Home Town

You don’t have to go on some expensive exotic vacation to discover new places! Research what your own town has to offer and get going! You might be surprised at how much there is to see!

Go spend some time as friends tonight, and leave the worries of being responsible, tax-paying, child-rearing, deadline meeting adults for another day.

How The Loveumentary Changed One Man's Life... And What It Means For You!

Last week I got to have a talk with my new friend (and fan of The Loveumentary) Kan Adachi. Kan is in insanely talented calligrapher. During our conversation, he told me that a handful of his lettering projects have been inspired by The Loveumentary podcast. Here's his powerful story in his own words: Hi, my name is Kan, and this is my story of how the Loveumentary changed my life.

I distinctly remember having less than ten dollars in my bank account in college while I was working a part time job that paid a nice hourly wage. I was hooked on keeping my emotional state high through spending money. I also remember a myriad of other unpleasant experiences like desperately holding on to a failing relationship (which eventually became unsustainable) and not being able to perform up to my standards in school. This was a low point.

But then, like so many other life-changing stories, I met somebody who made all the difference. She saw my shortcomings as part of the path I was walking to become a stronger version of myself. She held me, supported me, and encouraged me to continue becoming all that I was meant to be.

I quickly realized that this relationship was something I did not want to screw up, but I was still heartbroken and emotionally unstable; I was on my way to possibly sabotaging this potentially beautiful relationship. Coincidentally, right around this time, I stumbled across Nate’s Loveumentary podcast episode 36 & 37 with Ty and Terry.

These two episodes were nothing short of life-changing. It ignited my passion towards loving intentionally and being fully present and aware of my responsibilities in a relationship. Looking back, it is the exposure to these two episodes that is the clear inflection point on when I started to have a clear direction in life and become genuinely grateful.

I recently realized that the messages behind the Loveumentary are not just for the version of me that needed to be uplifted and needed practical advice for how to approach a relationship. It is also for the version of my significant other that was unsure if she should believe in me. At some point, she had to make a decision to risk, be vulnerable, and place her trust in my hands.

I am forever grateful that she did, and this is why I want to help contribute to Nate’s purpose. Unlike much of the self-centered, dating-for-my-gain mentality that has been woven into the fabric of the single’s society, It is about instilling a mindset of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and believe in others. This could not be any more relevant to me since it was my girlfriend’s choice to believe in me that kept me afloat through the valleys of my life trajectory.

Keep loving, everyone. You will make all the difference in someone’s life.

I was completely blown away when I heard this story. I never thought that a project I started would have an influence on someone else's live in this way.

I asked Kan if he would create a piece specifically for you!

And he said yes!

So, over the next few weeks he's going to be sharing with us the process of how he creates this beautiful work of art, and when he's finished, you'll be able to buy a limited edition print of it to display in your home or office!

I can't tell you how excited I am for this. It's so cool to be collaborating with someone who shares the same passion I have for The Loveumentary.

You can see one of Kan's pieces in the header of this blog post (in case you have images disabled). And here's a pencil draft of what he's working on for us. It's not the final product, but it will give you an idea of how insanely talented this kid is:

How To Order A Print:

Prints will be available in a few weeks. They will be 12"x12". The color of the prints and paper are still not determined. Shoot me an email if you want to pre-order one, and I'll give you details!

Upcoming Events

I have some more great news for you! I'm going to be headed to New York City and San Francisco in the next few months to put on some workshops, and if you're in the area, I'd love to see you!

I'll be updating you with more details as they come available, but I wanted you to get them on your calendar as early as possible so you can be sure to attend. If you can't make it to the seminars, I'm going to try to host a meetup in each city where we can just hang out for a few hours.

(If you're in San Francisco or NYC, let me know if you have any recommendations of cool places to hang.)

June 1 - 3 in Orlando, FL

I'll be in Orlando for a conference from June 1 - 3. I'd love to get together with some of you. Shoot me an email if you're interested and we'll put something together.

June 12 - 14 in New York City

Advanced Ed NYC On Friday the 12th I'll be leading an evening workshop. Then on Saturday and Sunday I'll be giving a 2-day seminar on creating powerful, lasting love and relationships.

Seating is limited for both the Friday and the Saturday-Sunday events. If you want to be there, shoot me an email and I'll make sure to reserve you a spot before tickets go on sale!

June 23 - 24 in San Francisco

The Passion Co. On Tuesday the 23rd I'll be giving a Passion Talk for The Passion Co.

On Wednesday the 24th I'll be running a 3 hour Passion Workshop. Details are coming soon! I'll let you know as soon as registration opens. But if you're in the SF area, I'd love to see you on either (or both) night!

I'm looking for other opportunities to speak! If you belong to a community (meetup, church group, club, business, etc.) that wants to learn how to strengthen relationships and create more fulfilling love, just drop me a line to let me know. Bonus points if you're in NYC, San Francisco, or Utah, and are available during a date when I'll be in or around your town.

You'd Rather Be Comfortable than In Love

What You Already Know Could Change Your Life...

... but it probably won't, because you like being comfortable too much.

The cure to obesity is to have a healthy diet and exercise... but it's easier to eat processed foods and be lazy.

The best way to stay out of debt and avoid bankruptcy is to never spend more money than you have... but it's easier to buy what you want, and just put it on a credit card now.

You could write a book, master a new language, or learn an instrument, with just a little bit of practice and daily effort... but motivating yourself to put in the work is way harder than binge-watching a whole season of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix.

You could have an incredible, passionate, connected, dynamic, committed, romantic relationship... but you'd rather play it safe and stay in your comfort zone than have the love you crave.

You'd rather use the excuse of being busy with work or taking care of the kids than make the extra effort to plan a romantic date.

You'd rather turn down your partner's advances because you're not in the mood than to entertain the idea of passion.

You'd rather wait for the other person to make the first move than risk looking the fool.

You'd rather watch a movie come up with thoughtful questions that could inspire a meaningful conversation.

You'd rather scream, walk away from a conversation, and slam the door behind you than listen compassionately, and show understanding and forgiveness.

You'd rather read 50 Shades of Gray than a book that could educate you on how to be a better partner.

In short, you'd rather be comfortable than in love!

Winners are those people who make a habit of doing the things losers are uncomfortable doing. -Ed Foreman

If you want to win at the game of love - ok, not just the game of love, the World Series of love - you have to make yourself uncomfortable. You have to stretch. You have to constantly recommit yourself, educate yourself, improve yourself, dig deeper, give more, and practice practice practice.

Or as one of The Loveumentary's past podcast guests said,

Marriage is a continual process. It’s a re-commitment to each other. That it requires continual forgiveness, continual self-growth and examination. -Lara Ward

Allow Yourself to Be Awkward

Whenever you're venturing into new territory, or growing and stretching yourself, you will experience a learning curve... and that can be really awkward.

I remember how awkward I was when I went to my first co-ed dance when I was 14.

I was terrified to even make eye contact with a girl, let alone ask a girl to dance!

I spent the majority of the dance either standing in a circle with my friends, bobbing my head - or if I got really courageous, I might bust out a few of the whitest dance moves you've ever seen.

As I attended more dances, it got less and less awkward to ask a girl to dance. It got to be a lot of fun! I began anticipate when slow songs were going to come on, and I'd position myself next to a girl I had a crush on so I could ask her before any other guys.

I grew to love dancing so much that I took some ballroom classes, and even started looking for opportunities to dance on a regular basis.

Give yourself permission to be awkward and look stupid. You won't be good at something new the first time you try it.

You'll wobble on your bike and crash a few times before you get the hang of riding a two-wheeler. You'll make some really ugly cupcakes, and weird tasting cookies before you can open your own bakery. You'll write some really horrible blog posts before you become an author.

You might have some really funny and awkward experiences in the bedroom before you master sex with your partner. You might feel like a complete idiot trying to change the way you listen and communicate. (The words "Wow, that sounds really tough, tell me more." sometimes feel really weird coming out of my mouth... but they've helped me become a better listener.) Following a budget is going to be uncomfortable at first...

But the people who are willing to look stupid and feel uncomfortable are the ones who will experience the kind of love the rest of us only fantasize about.

So, what can you do today to make yourself uncomfortable? How can you embrace the awkward? What are you really committed to... love, or something else?

When Life Doesn't Go According to Plan

Sometimes life refuses to go according to plan...

Six months ago I was engaged, and my plan for 2015 was to be married and living in cute little house with the woman of my dreams as we built our future life together.

At the moment, I'm single and sitting in my basement. I've spent a lot of time contemplating what went wrong.

Life obviously did not go according to my plan.

We initially pushed back our wedding date in October to give ourselves some much-needed space and time. Three months later we decided it was best to call off our engagement entirely to allow ourselves to tackle some personal struggles.

I remember waking up the day after our breakup and realizing my worst nightmare had become a reality. (I literally had nightmares about calling off my engagement.)

I know, people break up all the time. Every day couples are calling off their engagements, or getting left standing at the altar, or going through struggles of infidelity, bankruptcy, loss, or even dead bedrooms.

Life goes on, right?

Well, none of those people have a project called The Loveumentary dedicated to learning and practicing the things that make amazing relationships a reality. (Or at least that's what I told myself.)

Needless to say, after the breakup I was really angry, confused and scared. I felt like a fraud. There were moments where I felt completely unworthy of love or that my heart would never heal.

It was pretty bad.

Breakups are horrible. Life is sometimes really really hard. Love is risky...

But getting hurt is not what this post is about.

This post is about having a plan... and what happens when that plan goes horribly wrong. Like, the opposite-of-the-way-you-thought-plans-would-go kind of wrong. The what-the-heck-just-happened-are-you-freaking-kidding-me kind of wrong.

I have a foolproof plan...

I recently realized that every time I've had one of those shake-your-fist-at-the-sky-and-scream-at-the-top-of-your-lungs moments it's because I've been attached to a specific outcome. I wanted something to happen really really bad... and despite all of my valiant efforts the thing did not happen.

I make plans all the time... and here's what it sounds like inside my brain:

"I'm going to say/do A, and then she's going to say/do B, and then I'll respond with X, and then she'll see things my way, and we'll all be happy!"

Plans are simple, easy, straightforward.

If everyone followed my plans, life would be so much less painful, and everyone would be so happy!

Then I read this amazing quote by Dwight D. Eisenhower which led to a moment of exquisite clarity for me:

Plans are nothing. Planning is everything.

Plans work the opposite of the way life works.

Life is chaotic, complex, and random... and when pitted up against my plans, life always wins, and I lose.

Planning vs. Having a Plan

As I've reflected on the chaos that has been my life over the last several months, I've learned a valuable lesson: Getting fixated on a plan generally leads to disappointment... but there is HUGE value in planning.

Planning involves preparing, considering all the possibilities and contemplating potential outcomes, then formulating a response for all of these circumstances.

Our love life is probably the area where we make the most "plans."

We have "a plan" for our honeymoon. We have "a plan" when we're going to buy a house. We have "a plan" for how romantic vacations will unfold, when we'll have kids, how many kids we'll have, and how well-behaved they'll be. We have plans about how our bodies will look, how much energy and money we'll have, and how our love will always feel easy.

If all we get attached to a plan of how we think life should be, our marriages and relationships will be fraught with disappointment, frustration, and conflict... because life happens, and our plans get destroyed.

Or as Mike Tyson said, "Everybody has a plan 'till they get punched in the face."

Instead, if you are rigorous in your planning - if you prepare and avoid getting attached to "a plan," - you can roll with the punches when it rains through your entire honeymoon, or when you can't afford a house in the first 5 years of your marriage, or when traffic or sickness threatens a romantic getaway. You can still find joy and happiness when you are surprised with twins... even very rambunctious twins, or when you put on weight or lose your hair... or even when your engagement falls to pieces.

If you're finding yourself being constantly disappointed or stressed or looking around wondering how the heck you got where you are and what happened to the life you thought you'd have, ask yourself the question, "Am focused more on planning, or on living out my ideal plan?"

What can you do to start planning and preparing for the curveballs and bombshells of life? How can you educate yourself to handle jarring, unexpected situations with grace and poise? How can you develop the habit of seeing the good in everything... even when life doesn't go according to "the plan?" Leave your thoughts in the comments!

If You Dance, You're Insane...

...say the people who don't hear the music.

The Doctor and the Medicine Man

I recently heard a story of a young doctor who worked in a hospital in the Navajo Nation. One evening an old Native American man with long braided hair came into this doctor's emergency room. The doctor approached the man, and asked, “How can I help you?”

The old man looked straight ahead and said nothing.

The young doctor, desiring to help this man, tried again. “I can't help you if you don’t speak to me,” he said. “Why you have come to the hospital?”

The old man looked at him and asked, “Do you dance?”

The doctor was puzzled by the strange question when it occurred to him that perhaps this man was a tribal medicine man who, according to ancient tribal customs, sought to heal the sick through song and dance rather than using some of the more modern medical practices.

“No,” said the doctor, “I don’t dance. Do you dance?”

The old man nodded yes.

Then the doctor looked at the man and asked, “Could you teach me to dance?”

The old man’s response was thoughtful and inspires great reflection. “I can teach you to dance,” he said, “but you have to hear the music.”

Can You Hear The Music?

In my nearly 10 years of partner dancing, I've come across a lot of lessons that can be taken from dance and applied to relationships. This story reminded me of one.

You can spend hours watching, learning and practicing a dance, but something magical happens when you put that dance to music.

The music breathes a life into the movements. It gives them meaning and purpose. Somehow dancing makes you one with the music... like your body is producing the notes while at the same time, the notes are moving your body.

A good dance to an amazing song with an amazing dance partner is the closest thing I've ever experienced to magic in my life.

In the world of relationships, there are many "dance steps" you can learn to help improve your relationship. There are tactics, and tips, and principles that you can implement with the hope of fostering more love and connection over time, but...

If you do the moves without hearing and feeling the music, the moves never feel quite right. Ever see a couple exchange pleasantries through gritted teeth when they are visibly upset with each other?

Right moves, no music

Have you kissed someone knowing you were going to break up with them later that night... and you just got this weird pit in your stomach like you're living a lie?

You were doing the moves, but there wasn't any music.

Ever agree to sex while rolling your eyes, or complain about bringing home dinner for the family, or give a compliment with a hint of sarcasm, or begrudgingly offer to help put the kids to bed?

The moves are there, but the music is not.

Sometimes we need a little help getting the music started up again.

It requires us to stop dancing for a minute and check our radio dial.

What frequency are we tuned into? Are we stuck on a station of resentment, exasperation and frustration? Are we listening to the exhaustion, impatient, and short-tempered show? Or are we tuned into the music of concern, gratitude, patience, appreciation, acknowledgement, service, kindness, and love?

When you get tuned into the right music, the dance transforms and becomes the most beautiful thing you'll experience in this life.

It's OK To Look Crazy

As you dance the dance of love you'll come across haters.

These people will give you a laundry list of reasons why love is a joke. They'll tell you you're delusional, idealistic, and destined to failure. They'll criticize you for your commitment. They'll argue that you're throwing away your freedom. They mock your displays of affection. They'll complain about their own loveless relationships to see if they can get you to do the same.

“Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.” -George Carlin

These people will look at your dancing and think you insane because they are deaf to the music of love.

You're having a dance party in your car, and they're looking at you through the glass like you're nuts. If you ask me, it's their loss.

Don't stop dancing.

Ever.

What do you do to hear the music and dance with your partner? Leave your thoughts in the comments!

Why You Don't Have The Love You've Always Dreamed Of

This morning I was reading a book and I came across the following parable:

A story is told of a thief in ancient times who stole a magnificent coat. The coat was made of the finest materials including buttons of silver and gold. When he returned to his friends after selling the coat to a wealthy merchant in the marketplace, his closest friend asked him how much he had sold the coat for.

"A hundred pieces of silver," was his reply.

"You mean to tell me you only got a hundred pieces of sliver for that magnificent coat?!" asked his friend.

"Is there a number higher than a hundred?" asked the thief?

If I asked you if you wanted amazing, electric, passionate, lasting, committed, trusting, compassionate, patient, giving, forgiving love... you'd probably say, "Yes! Absolutely!"

I'll be honest, you're not unique. Everybody says they want that kind of love. Everybody... But it probably doesn't describe the love you have.

Why?

Because you settle. You stop practicing. You stop learning, growing, and putting in the effort. You're busy. You're committed to other things. You become resigned and make excuses like, "Well, this is just my reality. It's not going to get better than this."

I would assert that it's very likely that your love life is be your "100 silver pieces!"

You don't even think to ask for or want more, because you don't even realize that there is more than what you have!

The beautiful thing about love is that it can ALWAYS get better... and wanting it to be better is not bad! It's a really really good thing!

It doesn't matter how bad or how good your love life is, there is ALWAYS room for more connection, more commitment, more passion, more forgiveness, more understanding, more unity, and more adventure.

The world needs more of these things! Your life, your family, your friendships, your romantic relationship... they would all benefit from more of these things!

So now the real question is are you willing to do the work to create more of this "better" love in your life?

Are you willing to ask for what you need? Are you willing to ask others what they need to give you what you need? Are you willing to study, ask for help, try something new... and maybe fail, explore unfamiliar territory?

If you're ready to take the leap and stop settling for 100 silver pieces when there's an entire treasury waiting for you to reach out and pick it up, I want you to be a part of Love School.

Love School is 6 weeks of love training. Every Tuesday at 9:00 ET (8:00 CT, 7:00 MT, 6:00 PT) we will have a phone call about how you can create the type of relationship you say you want instead of just talking about it.

You can't get what you want by doing what you've always done. This course and this community is being created for you because it's time for you to have more.

I hope you are committed to creating incredible love, and I really hope to see you in class!

If You Haven't Asked Each Other These Questions, You're Missing Out On Some Serious Intimacy

Be Heard and Be Seen

Psychologist Arthur Aron has been exploring the idea that you can dramatically increase the intimacy between two people by asking them gradually more personal and vulnerable questions.

Your ability to ask a good question is directly correlated with your ability to truly get to know someone. If you're feeling distant from your significant other, it might simply be because you haven't developed the skill of asking good questions.

Take a few minutes tonight to sit down and go through these questions together. Listen intently to the answers your partner poses.

When you're done asking and answering these questions, spend 3 to 5 minutes silently looking into each others eyes. It might feel a little weird at first, but if you stick with it you'll see that being truly heard and seen has the potential to be a really powerful, and connecting experience.

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

31 Powerful Lessons on Love in 31 Years

This year for my birthday I wanted to share with you some of the most important lessons I've learned about love. It would mean a lot to me if you'd read this post. If you enjoy it, or something resonates with you, please share it with others. I've dedicated my life to helping people better understand what love is and to create amazing relationships in their lives, and I can't do it without people like you who read and participate in this community. Thank you so much for being who you are. I love you.

Now, without further adieu, here are 31 lessons on love to celebrate my 31 years of life.

1. Love is a choice you make every day. You don't just choose to love someone on your wedding day, and then you're set for life. Consciously making the same choice to love your parter every single day is incredibly powerful. Nothing has the ability take away your power to choose love.
2. Don't be afraid to be the one who loves the most. Most people never get to experience the love they dream of because they are scared to take the risk to be the one who loves the most. It's easy to play it safe and comfortable. It's natural to surrender what you want in the long term for what is is so easily accessible now. It's hard to risk hurting yourself or someone else for the chance of creating something incredible.
3. Love isn't fair... and that's what makes it so beautiful. Sometimes we are just lucky enough to find a person who will stick by our side and love us even when we think we don't deserve it. If you find someone like that, hold on to them.
4. Love is not happiness. If you're looking for an unlimited, constant supply of happiness, love is not for you. Love is, however, purifying, inspiring, motivating, and an incredible source for personal growth and improvement. Happiness in love, in my belief, is created as a result of the progress we make as individuals and as couples.
5. Love does not keep score. When you keep score in a relationship, it takes the joy out of loving and being loved. Suddenly something beautiful and selfless becomes a source of resentment, guilt and frustration.
6. Love is learned. Just like a language or a musical instrument, we learn love from the society and culture we're raised in, from our teachers and role models, and from our families. Most people have average love because they had mediocre teachers (who, more often than not, didn't even realize they were the teachers... or that they were average).
7. The most simple act of love is making and keeping a promise. Promises are the gateway to everything beautiful about love. They are the foundation for trust and commitment. Keep the small promises you make and you'll never have to worry about the big ones being broken.
8. You have an unlimited supply of love. Love doesn't have a quota or a cap. What determines how much you give or receive is... you.
9. To love others, you must first love yourself. Allowing your self-worth and value as a human to be determined by how other people feel about you is selfish, and a short road to disappointment, sadness, and never reaching your full potential.
10. Loneliness is never a good reason to be in a relationship.
11. It's not what you fight about that kills your relationship... it's how you fight about it. Some couples divorce over what is the correct way to squeeze the toothpaste tube. Some couples grow closer together after working through infidelity. You can't blame the point of conflict for the hurt it causes. Blame yourself for how it's handled.
12. You can turn any moment into a romantic moment. Romance is more often a choice than an effect of chemistry or serendipity.
13. Love is not a feeling. (The feeling most people refer to as love is actually called limerence.) Love inspires action. Love is a verb. Love doesn't wait. Love doesn't think. Love doesn't feel. As Bob Goff says, "Love does."
14. When you love someone - truly love them - you don't seek to change them. You love all of them. You wouldn't buy a cat and then ask it to fetch and bark and wag its tail like a dog. Don't choose a person and ask them to be something other than what they are. That is not love.
15. Love is more about being complimentary than it is about being compatible. If you wanted to marry yourself, you'd be happy being single. It's ok to look for someone different than you. Celebrate the differences. They will make you a better version of yourself.
16. The best relationships require boundaries. Just like football, without rules of conduct, goals, out-of-bounds, and referees, people get hurt and the game descends into chaos. It wouldn't be fun to play. It's important to set rules in your relationship that make you feel safe, and that encourage fair play. More often than not, these rules even make the game more enjoyable.
17. Love requires vulnerability. Sometimes the hardest thing to say is, "You hurt me." or "I screwed up and I need your forgiveness." Nobody will ever be able to fully accept and love you (faults and all) unless you first accept yourself enough to share your entire self with them. They can't accept and love a side of you they don't even know exists. Being fully seen requires true courage.
18. There is no magic recipe or formula for true love. There are as many versions of true love as there are people who claim to have it. you get to make up your own rules. Don't play by someone else's.
19. Never hold back a compliment and always think twice before criticizing. Appreciation and gratitude are rocket fuel for a relationship. Criticism is a cancer to love. Studies have shown that the most successful marriages have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. Next time you feel the need to say something negative, ask yourself if you've said 5 positive things since the last negative one.
20. Forgive people quickly and often (unless you're in an abusive relationship). Forgiveness doesn't mean the hurt goes away. It doesn't mean you forget what happened. It just means you stop punishing the other person for what they did. Let go. Move on. Give others the space and freedom to change.
21. It's the hardest times that make the best memories and create the deepest, longest-lasting bonds. If your'e suffering, suffer together. One day the suffering will end and you'll be glad you fought for each other instead of against each other.
22. There are few shortcuts to happiness... dancing is one of them. Rough day? Throw a dance party in the kitchen. Have a disagreement? Work it out while in each others arms. Don't know how to dance? Learning something new together is one of the best ways to bond.
23. Love knows no race, gender, age or religion. Love is the thing that unites us. We all want it. It is our common bond as human beings. Always remember, the person you hate has someone in their life that loves them dearly.
24. Sex is not love. Sex alone will not provide you lasting happiness. But sex is an incredible compliment to a loving, romantic relationship. The earlier sex is introduced to a relationship, the less likely the are to endure the test of time. Passion does not typically make for a very stable and enduring foundation for a long-term relationship.
25. Finding love is more about being the right person than finding the right person. If you're not prepared for the love you want, it's unlikely you'll be prepared to recognize the person who can give it to you.
26. Love has nothing to do with wealth, beauty, affluence, or prestige. There are plenty of rich, beautiful, and powerful people in the world who are lonely, sad, and loveless. And there are plenty of poor, homely, relatively invisible people who have a love greater than you could imagine.
27. One of love's greatest enemies is busyness. Show me what a man spends his time doing and I'll show you what he loves. If the way you spend your time doesn't reflect what you believe you value, it's time to either change the way you spend your time, or change what you claim to value.
28. One of the best ways to have an incredible relationship is to surround yourself with other couples whose relationships you admire. Having a good mentor, coach, or example will keep you in check, and give you something to aspire to. You truly are the average of the 5 people (or couples) you spend the most time with.
29. Always have something to look forward to. It will keep you looking forward and not wishing for, or analyzing the past. Whether it's a vacation, a date, or a class you want to take together, always have something positive on your radar in the not-too-distant future.
30. True love requires a generous helping of empathetic, judgement-free listening. If your parter has something difficult to tell you, and you react poorly (with anger or hostility), they will avoid telling you the hard truth in the future and opt instead for an easy lie. Lies undermine trust... which obliterates commitment... which destroys love. The way you listen and respond to the truth will reflect the long-term health and quality of your relationship.
31. Love is the absolute greatest thing we get to experience in this life. It's better than money or travel or pizza. It's more powerful than wars and hatred. It's more exhilarating than any roller coaster and will teach you more about yourself than any university. Love will stretch you and break you and put you back together as the most beautiful version of yourself. Love is what gives life meaning and gives us purpose. Please choose to love more.

Thank you for believing in love, and for sharing this post. It means so much to me to call you a friend, reader, and a fellow human on this earth who just wants the world and life to be a little better and brighter