Here's a story with some good, old fashioned romance. Last year, Amy agreed to marry Isaac after one of the most epic proposals of all time:
One year later, they pay tribute to the people that made their love possible with one simple word. "Yes."
Watch it. I dare you not to get even just a little teary-eyed.
Last weekend I went to a huge BBQ full of people I'd never met. I love parties like this, because I absolutely relish the looks of shock and confusion I receive when I answer the third of the typical first three default getting-to-know-you questions. When I meet someone new, the conversation almost always goes like this:
Stranger: "Hi, what's your name?"
Me: "Oh, I'm Nate. Nice to meet you."
Stranger: "Are you from around here?"
Me: "I'm from Salt Lake City." ‘
Stranger: "Oh, that's cool... so, what do you do?"
Me: "I interview couples who are madly in love with each other."
Stranger: "Wait... you what?"
I love the reactions I get when I tell them I devote my time to something so completely unexpected.
Typically The Loveumentary leads to some really great, meaningful, and exciting conversations culminating with the other person asking me with hope in their eyes, "So... what have you learned from this so far? Have you reached any awesome conclusions?"
It was exactly at this point in one such conversation with a girl that I'd just met that this guy who had been listening in to our conversation interjected.
"Don't you already know all the answers? I mean, we learned it all in church growing up. Just read your scriptures, say your prayers, put God first, and your relationship will survive."
It's not often that I'm left speechless... but this guy took me completely off guard. It too me a few seconds to formulate a response.
"You realize," I said, directing my attention to him, "that True Love is not exclusive to people who are religious, right? You don't have to pray to fall head over heals for someone, or attend church every Sunday to experience the joy that comes with loving and lasting commitment."
"Oh... yeah. I guess that makes sense," he said.
This guy rattled my senses a little bit. I had forgotten the huge role religion often plays in relationships. I was reminded that many of these deeply religious types believe they have a monopoly on happiness...
Which brings us to Carl Sagan, one of the most important and influential scientists of our generation. Sagan was also a very vocal Agnostic who believed that it was too difficult to prove or disprove whether or not God exists given the information we currently possess.
I recently stumbled on an incredibly moving and beautiful short film [embedded below] featuring Sagan's relationship with his wife Ann Druyan. It was truly fascinating to see and hear where the roots of their profound love for each other originated if they couldn't attribute it to God.
Carl and I knew we were the beneficiaries of chance, that pure chance could be so kind that we could find one another in the vastness of space and the immensity of time. We knew that every moment should be cherished as the precious and unlikely coincidence that it was.” -Annie Druyan
It is fascinating to see how similarly grateful and amazed the God-fearing saints and the "godless heathens" are when given the opportunity to experience true love.
Love is something that every person - gay or straight, tall or short, old or young, religious or not - desires and deserves. It's our universal common bond. It's what gives our essentially short lives meaning and purpose in this vast universe.
So, next time you meet someone who appears to be so fundamentally different from you, remember, you have at least one thing in common... and it's your capacity for love.
I remember that look. The peering eyes of ice-cold judgment, with just a hint of disgust. He reached for his cell phone like he was about to call 911 while his hateful stare pierced through me. He was making direct eye contact like he knew what I had just done. Everything was dirty. There was a seriously foul smell in the air, and flies that were boldly landing directly on my skin, and that of the innocent little 6-year-old girl in pigtails I took to this disgusting place.
I had to get out of there before anybody else could see me with her. So I grabbed that cute little blonde who was still wearing only her bathing suit and made my escape, narrowly avoiding a situation that was sure to escalate. I didn’t want any trouble, I did what I had come to do.
This feeling of shame is one I’ve felt more than once.
This particular time, I was on a daddy-daughter vacation with my kiddo in San Diego, when all of the sudden I *really* had to use the restroom. It was just me and her, and a filthy public bathroom by the beach.
Being a dad didn’t come with a handbook, and neither do daughters. Every time we were out in public and there was no family restroom, I was faced with the question, men’s bathroom or women’s? Either I take her into a women’s restroom and look like a pervert, or take her into the men’s... and look like a pervert.
I’m sure my own shiftiness and level of discomfort projected a different image. Here I am, trying to be the best dad in the world. I’m trying to show her every major kid experience she can dream of: DisneyLand, SeaWorld, camping, fishing, ocean kayaking, Ice Capades... freaking Taylor Swift concert. I’m doing all kinds of things I would never imagine myself doing, and often doing them wrong. This list also includes occasionally invading the women’s restroom, or taking my own daughter into a men’s bathroom stall while I did my business (mind you, I taught her to face the other way — I’m classy like that).
Am I sure if that’s the correct way to do things? Absolutely not. I will be honest, I have no idea. I watch moms effortlessly shuffle their little boys into the women’s restroom as they get "oohs" and "ahhs" and kids get handed lollipops for being such grown-ups, while my daughter is faced with the equivalent of an occasionally smelly timeout and a bunch of angry men hating on her dad. Even women give me “the look.” They stare in disbelief that I am allowed to be escorting a minor (without an adult companion or chaperone with less testosterone) or even running a background check first to make sure I was clean.
But I muscled through these experiences for the sake of my daughter. I made countless mistakes, always with the best intentions. I’m not a criminal; I’m just a single dad struggling to figure out the best way to do things, same as all you moms.
So what’s the point of this incredibly long prelude? Is it just to make the point that gender inequality which cuts both ways needs to stop? Is a cry against our male-dominant society? Or simply an attempt to have more family bathrooms installed on beaches?
Queue Chuck Testa: “Nope.”
The point is that we all make mistakes and are judged by other’s perceptions of us. But as long as you’re trying your best and always have positive intent, and LOVE is your driving force, these situations pale in comparison to the positive experiences that come from your actions. As a single dad, you can’t let your own fear of how people will judge you stop you from being a badass dad.
My daughter doesn’t even recall these horrific memories, which I’ve been scarred by. Those times when I had no idea what I was supposed to do, but I made judgment calls based on what I thought was best at the time. She remembers getting splashed by Shamu while wearing light up earrings with her dad. She remembers burying her dad in the sand up to his head. She remembers how beautifully terrifying the ocean can be when you’re in a 2-person canoe.
Women have dealt with gender inequality since the Paleo diet was mistakenly invented. As a man, and as a father, showing my daugher how to handle this obstacle with dignity and strength is just as important as showing her the world and just enjoying being with her.
So I fought against my own social anxiety and through that hate being projected at me, looked that man in the eye and said “It’s Friday, and it’s a beautiful day for a daddy daughter vacation. ‘Don’t nobody go in the bathroom for about thry-fi, fowty-fi minutes. Somebody open a winda.”
The guy’s demeanor quickly changed. He chuckled, my daughter and I ran back to our sand castle, and I avoided getting arrested.
But seriously, they really should have more family bathrooms in public places.
[jbox title="About The Author" border="5" radius="15"] Chris Hooley is an master of the interwebs, a good friend, a hilarious writer, and most importantly, an amazing single dad to his fantastic daughter. You can follow him on the Twitters here. If you enjoyed this post, I'd love it if you'd subscribe to the blog or the free podcast, and share it with your friends using the icons below. Thanks again for dropping by, I love you![/jbox]
Self-pity and self-loathing are running rampant and crippling some of the most incredible people this world has to offer. For me, self loathing typically sprouts its evil soul-destroying tendrils in my heart when I’ve done something incredibly dumb and I’m petrified that someone else might find out. The shame for my foolish decisions sets into my abdomen like a cold frost, then eats away at my heart like ravenous honey badger. I become consumed with a genuine fear that the revelation of my secret will devistate the people in this world that I love the most.
So, I bury my past. I find a deep dark pit in my soul where I can bury my icky parts. I live alone with my secrets in this darkness.
Most of us who have endured the pain of self-loathing and shame do so in a state of emotional solitary confinement. We suffer in secret because of a fear of how the people we love will react when they learn who we truly are.
We turn the people we love into involuntary participants in our shame.
The day I realized this, I recognized how unfair this was to my loved ones, and to myself. I was spending hours wallowing in private misery over feelings and conversations that hadn’t - and may not ever come to pass.
With this new knowledge, self-love has become a process of learning to carefully expose the things I have hidden in the darkness to the light and love of others. As I’ve learned that I am capable of being loved and accepted by others, even while standing naked before them (metaphorically, of course) with my fears, doubts, and insecurities completely exposed, learning to love myself has become incredibly rewarding.
Conquering shame and self-pity and replacing it with self-love (just like any other form of love) starts with taking that giant leap into vulnerability.
That leap into vulnerability requires raw, unadulterated courage.
It requires staring your most personal demons in the face. It means the potential of causing pain and suffering to the people you love and yearn to protect.
You must invite your loved ones to be the heroes who can help you slay your demons rather than the chains that bind you to your emotional prison. You never know. They may just surprise you.
In the spirit of practicing what I preach, I’m offer you one of my vulnerabilities. Something that I’ve had stored up inside me for a long long time. It’s a secret that very few people know about me.
I’m currently going through a crisis of faith.
I was raised in a very religious household in a very religious community, and over the past few years have begun to experience doubts and feelings of estrangement from my life-long faith…
And I’m terrified.
I’m terrified that I’ll be judged and condemned. Terrified of the potential my doubt has to disappoint or insult my deeply devout family. Terrified that this will all but eradicate my chance of being a desirable spouse. Terrified of the possibility of eternal suffering caused by my choice to willingly stray from the path of a God I’ve always claimed to know, love, and follow.
I don’t know what this doubt means about me at my core as a person, or what it means about my future. I don’t know how it will affect my most cherished relationships. But I know that I can’t carry it alone.
So now you know. And now (if the people close to me read this, which they probably will) they know. It’s time for me to start shining a light into that darkness and falling in love with my icky parts.
I invite you to do the same.
I originally published this post here, but I decided it was worth it to share it with you with the hope that it will help you feel a little less alone. If you enjoyed this post, I'd love it if you'd subscribe to the blog or the free podcast, and share it with your friends using the icons below. Thanks again for dropping by, I love you!
Have you ever fallen hard for someone - like, really hard for someone - and they just didn't feel the same way about you? It's the worst! Especially when there's no sane reason this person shouldn't like us back.
Our minds start racing for an explanation...
"What's wrong with me? Am I just broken? What is it that I'm missing that he/she wants? What can I do to be 'good enough'?"
We can spend hours dwelling on awkward moments from the past, and missed opportunities. We ache for some sort of acknowledgement. We yearn for any sign that our unobtainable lover still thinks of us, even if it's a simple "like" of one Instagram photo or a text message.
We daydream about them. We create and recreate fantasies in our heads of what could or should have happened. We try to reason out why the "right" things never came to pass. We hold onto these feelings for weeks, months... even years. We sit and mull over this person - the one who got away. Some of us even resort to fantasizing that one day (after the early death or "unfortunate" breakup with their current significant other) we'll get another chance.
We can't let them go, because we are so madly, and deeply in love with them...
WRONG!
Ok, I hate to break it to you, but what was described above is not love. This type of over-the-top, unrealistic, intense, borderline-crazy feelings for one person is called obsession... one that we have all been guilty of (at least to a small degree) at one time or another. It's rooted in our own feelings of inadequacy and a deep-seated need for validation and approval.
Obsession almost seems to be romanticized in media. Pining over someone for years is constantly portrayed as sweet or even noble in film. When we obsess, it's common to be completely blinded by our obsession until another 'better' person provides a wakeup call... and even then we can remain in brainwashed ignorance.
Love is not a need for approval, or acceptance. Love is accepting someone because of their innate human flaws and imperfection. Love can only be given, not taken. Love is selfless. It's a desire for the happiness of others, not selfish and longing for validation or self-fulfillment.
"Loving someone means we don't need them but instead we want to share our lives with them, and most importantly we want to support them on their life' journey. That means giving them the foundation to let them go and be whatever is going to allow them to grow as people and to fully experience life. There is a huge difference from "you have to stay with me no matter what" or "you can't do this to me" to "I'm here loving you; go try out life".
In obsessive relationships it is all about us not the other person. And in a strange way, even though these relationships are all about us, we have no power. By needing someone we give our power away and sometimes the recipients can be quite cruel; a game that gets set up: I give you my life and you can abuse it because the truth is I'm needy and you resent me for that."
-Deborah Calla, The Difference Between Love and Obsession
We must let go of the idea that the elusive person we always wanted but never had is the only way to feel like we are "enough." We need to stop mistaking obsession for love. It's time to love ourselves and be confident that we are "enough" regardless of whether the person we care about most loves us back or not.
As Leo Buscaglia so beautifully put it, "Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love."
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"Don't try to fix it. I just need you to listen." Every man has heard these words. And they are the law of the land. No matter what.
It's funny because it's true.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt's new movie, "Don Jon" (check out the trailer after the break)is a story about a guy caught up in some superficial and selfish lifestyle. His whole world revolves around his body, his pad, his ride, his family, his church, his boys, his girls, and his porn... until he meets a girl... a girl who loves unrealistic romantic comedies. I'm excited to see how JGL tells this coming-of-age story. It's one that needs to be told.
The movie is obviously meant to make us think. Do porn and rom-coms distort true love? Does watching either one change our expectations of what we truly desire from a relationship? If we could replicate what we experience on the screen, would it make us happy? Tell me what you think in the comments!
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You Are My Sunshine | The Loveumentary
I was going to write a post about this, but I don't think anything I can say will do it justice. Can't we all just work for this?
A tender moment with my parents while my dad is in the hospital.
Here's the story from the original poster:
"This is my gramps in recovery from a hip replacement. He broke his hip helping an widowed neighbor who had slipped on the ice and he slipped too. Not the wisest choice given his age, but that's just who he is, always wants to help. This was a particularly hard time for him because he had just recovered from a surgery for bladder cancer a few months earlier. I'm happy to say he seems in high spirits whenever I go and play Phase 10 or Five Crowns with him and my grandma... they are an amazing couple. I wasn't sure if the internet would enjoy this vid as much as our family does, but it seems to be helping people feel the love which is all I could hope for."
Share it if you like it. Subscribe or follow on Facebook for more lovely stuff like this.
I’ve helped a lot of incredible people fix frustrating problems in their marriage, and learn the skills to create a relationship more incredible than they thought was possible. Here’s what just a few of them have said:
