Your Love Has Transformed Me

The Last Love Letter Project is a series of hand-written love letters answering the following question:

If you could write only one last love letter to the person you love most, what would you say?

Participate in the Last Love Letter Project by writing your own letter and submitting it here.

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Christin,

How is it we've only been together two years? It feels like a lifetime - of joy and openness and sharing and support. I suppose that's because even when you weren't there, I was looking for you. Reaching out for you in the cold, dark, loneliness. And suddenly a light came on and there you were. And the cold turned into warmth, the loneliness replaced by powerful intimacy. Slowly at first, but it has built and grown more strong and more secure. And now I can't imagine a life without you at the center of it.

You are my inspiration. My goal. I pull to you. Your love has transformed me - your passion transfixed me. The way you live and love inspires me. I want to give you back all the things you have given me: Support, kindness, understanding, forgiveness, correction, compassion, laughter, joy, my heart, and all my love.

-Jordan

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If this letter gave you a warm fuzzy, you should definitely write one of your own. You won't regret it. And if you feel like sharing the love, submit it here:

[jbutton link="http://loveumentary.com/love-letters/" halign="center" size="large" color="blue" rounded="no"]Submit Your Letter![/jbutton]

Are You Bold At Work But Not In Your Relationship?

Being Bold in Life

She always completes her work projects on time. She's rarely late to pick up her kids from swimming lessons. She's the first to raise her hand when volunteers are needed. She's bold and she's thoughtful. She's the kind of friend you can always rely on for good advice or a shoulder to cry on. She helps you see the brightside when things seem messy and she's always looking out for your interests.

There's a problem here though. Through her boldness and care for other people's interests, she has forgotten to speak up for her own. Where this is most evident is in her relationship.

In every healthy relationship, there always exists an opportunity to connect on a deeper level but many of us fear going there. It's almost like a "don't rock the boat" mentality or more specifically, "maybe I'll get what I want out of my relationship once the kids are off to college". Sometimes the reason is also, "I've tried...once...to speak up for what I wanted more of in my relationship but it was ignored so I don't bother any more"

Nobody gets up in the morning hoping they don't give their partner what they need that day. It's just that needs can be pushed to the side as a secondary priority and labeled as "work." When you label what's required to deepen your relationship as something that requires too much effort, it can easily be ignored for days, months and even years. It just becomes easier to go through the motions and be in an okay relationship.

Defeating Busyniess

So how can you deepen your relationship when your to-do list is already a mile high? The first step is to have a conversation in a non-accusatory way. Saying something like,

"Honey, I've been feeling kind of blue lately and I'm wondering if it's because you and I haven't really had any alone time in awhile" Come from a place of discovery not a place of accusation. You want to be careful not to say something like, "it's been at least 10 years since I've felt connected to you".

Once you decide on when and where this alone time is going to occur, stick to it. If you push it off you are essentially saying that deepening our relationship isn't important and moreso, even talking about deepening our relationship isn't important. Yikes, that's a double insult.

During your alone time, start things off by verbally committing to listening more than talking. Each of you will ease up a bit knowing that you are going to be heard. If it’s easier, you can each take some time to write down what you want more of in the relationship. It is key here that you are not making a list of all the things that are wrong in the relationship. That will easily escalate. Focus only on things you want more of.

Remember we talked about being bold? Well this is your time to be bold in your relationship and help your partner become more aware of what you need.

For your first alone time, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a couple’s away retreat (those are great) but start with a small commitment of one to two hours of talking without distraction and a focus on listening. Aim to come away from the conversation with one or two actionable items and a commitment to do this again.

There are so many more details and tools I’d love to share with you so I look forward to being in touch again.

Live Love, Christine

[jbox title="Show Notes:" border="5" radius="15"]Christine Hart has been a Dating & Relationship Expert for over 14 years and has been featured in over 200 media outlets. She is the author of’ The Art of Living a Flirtatious Life’ and loves helping both singles and couples. www.yourdatecoach.com[/jbox]

Which Pain Will You Choose?

Pain cannot be escaped.

We spend so much of our lives seeking out safety and respite. We try to numb pain, dull discomfort, and run from the uncertainty, stress and anxiety of life. Yet no matter how much we try to make the comfort last, it is never permanent. The chaos of life floods through the cracks.

We put so much effort into escaping pain, and yet the people we look up to and admire most are those who have learned to embrace, and lean into the pain. The all star athletes, the celebrated authors, the accomplished business people, the wisest, most loving, and most revered individuals who seem have life "figured out"... they all stopped running from the pain. Instead, they've learned to turn around, open their arms, and embrace it.

Climbing a mountain is painful. Training for a triathlon is painful. Speaking in front of a group of strangers is painful. Writing a book, filming a documentary, asking for a raise, standing up for what's right in the midst of criticism, learning to ride a horse, running for office, committing to a relationship... all of these come hand in hand with their own pains. They stretch us. They force us to beat our own path. They break us down and make us rebuild ourselves into someone better, stronger, and more courageous.

When we embrace the idea that our dreams require a degree of pain - and make the decision to move towards that pain - the pain becomes our refiner's fire.

Pain and discomfort are a purification process.

Not only does it sift out the weak, but it sifts out our weaknesses. Our imperfections are slowly burned away as we push through and endure the intense pressure and heat. When the pain subsides we emerge as a different, vastly improved version of ourselves.

When we try to avoid pain rather than embrace it, we put off the purification process. Rather than opting for the refiners fire, we are beaten down by the elements. We are worn down and eroded over time as we try to fight against the inevitable. We've all been haunted by this kind of pain at some point. It's the inescapable pain we feel when we experience regret, fear, laziness, apathy, and inaction. It's the pain of choosing to be the victim instead of choosing to be the master of your own fate.

The pain you choose is what shapes your life.

You either choose to suffer for your dreams or to suffer in spite of them.

You can choose to risk the pain of a broken heart that often accompanies loving fully... or you can choose the the despair of loneliness, or the regret of never fully investing yourself into love. Both decisions include a degree of pain, but only one has a payoff.

Pain is an effect of being alive. Getting to choose your pain is a privelage of being human.

You can choose right now whether you want the pain that comes with working for your dreams of living a love-filled life, or to live in the pain of the nightmare of regrets that accompanies inaction.

Choose the right pain.

The Art of Being Broken

Broken

Kintsukuroi is the art of repairing broken pottery with a lacquer resin. Its earliest origins can be traced back to 15th century China when an officer in the military sent back a tea bowl for repairs. It was returned to him, patched up and completely usable.

The Japanese quickly caught hold of the idea, and improved on it by adding the powdered gold to the lacquer.

These mended pots were so beautiful that people began intentionally breaking valuable ceramics just so they could be mended.

Not only did the golden veins in the repaired pottery add beauty, the broken pots were more valuable than they were when they were in their original, unblemished state.

Your Cracks Are The Source Of Your Beauty

You see where this is going…

You are like these pots. You gain value as you weather the hardships of life. Every time you chip, break, and shatter is proof of your value. It is through your trials, your imperfections, and your flaws that you gain your most valuable virtues. These “imperfections” are the evidence of your courage, tenacity, patience, love, and strength. They are proof of the lessons you’ve learned and the growth you’ve experienced. With each struggle, crack, and repair, you add to your beauty.

So often we see these “cracks” as a reason for us to be unlovable, unwanted, or unworthy. And yet, their existence is the exact polar opposite.

Your cracks are what make you so different from every human on the planet. Learn to love your cracks. They are the very source of your soul’s beauty.

[jbox border="5" radius="15"]This post was originally published as part of the 30 Day True Love Challenge. I'm planning to launch another challenge soon, but I felt I needed to share this today for some reason. I hope it finds the person who needs it.[/jbox]

Best. Valentines Day. Ever.

Holy crap, what just happened?!

You guys, I want to share a story with you that I haven't told anybody. The last week has been one of the most miraculous and mind-blowing weeks of my life.

A few days ago I was on my way to visit a friend. I stopped to fill up my car with gas, and my credit card was declined. I had gone over my credit limit. The day before I had paid a few bills, and realized that my bank account (savings and checking) had been completely drained. I literally had zero dollars and zero cents.

It was terrifying. I felt hopeless. I panicked. I didn't know what to do. I already felt so inadequate, and now my dreams were collapsing on me, and that I had officially become a failure. I had reached the end of my rope.

A few days later, I woke up early in the morning. I hadn't been sleeping well lately, and I didn't want to waste my day. I plopped in front of my laptop not even bothering to put on pants, and started answering emails when I had a thought enter my mind. "You should try doing an AMA on Reddit." (An AMA, for those of you who don't know, is a sort of virtual interview where people can ask you anything they want.)

I tossed up a post about my quest to interview couples over the past year and a half of my life, and it exploded. Thousands of people asked questions about what I learned from interviewing so many amazing couples, what a great relationship looks like, and how this experience has affected me.

Within hours, other major websites started to pick up this story, and my life was suddenly transformed.

I share this with you because I don't know what you're struggling with right now. I don't know what craziness is in your life, or what burden you're bearing. You might feel like a failure like I often do. You might feel inadequate. You might feel like giving up.

Whatever heaviness is weighing on your heart. Whatever trial you're slogging through in your life right now... please don't give up.

Don't stop.

Keep moving.

I've learned once again that it is when you push through that last wall - the wall of abject poverty, or of emotional defeat, or of utter exhaustion - that something truly miraculous will be waiting for you.

Thank you all for your support and encouragement through the last year and/or week. Your support of me and this mission I've felt called to means more to me than you could ever imagine. I would have given up 1,000 times if it weren't for your love and encouragement.

I love you all. Really.

What About My Valentines Gift?!

Oh right! Sorry bout that. Maybe we should call it a President's Day Present?

I've been saving this interview for a special occasion. I think Valentines Day (or a few days after, in this case) is the perfect timing.

Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages is one of my personal heroes. We got to sit down with him and learn about his marriage early on (I'll bet you didn't know he almost got a divorce...), and we talked a lot about what you can do to nurture your relationship BEYOND the 5 love languages.

A huge focus of the conversation was about forgiveness. Here's one of my favorite quotes:

I think that learning to apologize and forgive is a second fundamental. I deal with this in my book “The 5 Languages of Apology,” but the recent book’s title is “When Sorry Isn’t Enough,” because typically if people apologize at all, they say, “I’m sorry.” Well, for some people that doesn’t hack it. That doesn’t really communicate sincerity. So in that book we deal with 5 different ways that people apologize, and learning what the other person considers to be an apology, so if you’re going to apologize you can do it in a way that’s meaningful to them, and communicate sincerity to them.

And then the whole concept of forgiveness - that it’s a choice. You either choose to forgive or you choose to hold it against them. And if you choose to hold it against them, the relationship doesn’t go forward. If you choose to forgive them, it opens the door to the possibility that the marriage can continue to grow.

I hope you enjoy it.

What I Don't Want You To Know...

I Don't Want You To Know That...

I just finished reading a blog post that presented me with unfinished sentence that made me squirm uncomfortably in my chair.

The invited readers to complete the sentence: "I don't want you to know that..."

The moment I read and completed that sentence, my fears came crashing down on me. I felt like I was drowning emotionally - clawing my way to some invisible surface in the hopes that I might breathe in great gulps of calm and freedom from the crushing anxiety consciously weighing down on me. It was unexpected. I didn't realize there was so much I was keeping hidden.

I feel like you deserve to know some of my secrets. My (selfish) hope is that maybe through sharing, I might get some comfort and reassurance from you... and also that you might feel a little less afraid and alone in the midst of your things you don't want me (or others) to know.

The Loveumentary Makes Me Feel Incredibly Lonely

I started this project with the hopes that I would learn how to be the best possible future boyfriend/husband. I never imagined it would place me at the feet of some of the most amazing couples this world has to offer. I've had the privilege of sitting across from complete strangers at kitchen tables across America as they shared the most intimate details of their lives. In a little over an hour, I've laughed, wept, and cheered over the life stories of newly-made friends.

I have sat in the presence of true love. I've felt the overpowering, radiating glow of true care and affection between two (sometimes more than two) people. I've felt the electric heart-humming sensation of two people who are so mad for each other they haven't been able to keep their hands to themselves for decades.

I've had a front row to true love... and it's made me painfully aware that I do not have it.

Don't get me wrong, I would never take back the experiences of meeting all of these amazing couples, and learning from their years of wisdom and experience. But there are days - typically the days when I'm sitting at home trying to find a friend to spend time with on a weekend, and I realize that most of my friends are married or in serious relationships - where I wonder, "Will I ever get to experience true love for myself?"

I Want To Make The Loveumentary My Life

I quit my job over a year ago to pursue this project. Since then, I've blown through my entire life savings, moved into my parents' basement, and have taken a part time job as a taxi driver to keep the ball rolling. In the last year, I've sacrificed a lot... A steady income, a normal social life, and to some extent, even my health.

I want to make The Loveumentary my life. It's my baby. I've built the site, written well over 100 posts, recorded and edited all the podcasts, and tried hard to build a meaningful community where people can grow and experience more love in their lives.

But I'm scared that I'm going to have to give it up.

At some point, I have to make some sort of justifiable income (I'm working on ideas) or I have to walk away. Taking on a regular full-time job is terrifying. I don't want to go back to normal office life, sitting inside a carpet-walled cubicle for 8-10 hours per day. Sure, it would put money in the bank... but it would also rob me of the time and energy I need to help The Loveumentary spread like I dream it can.

It terrifies me to keep living in abject poverty, but it also terrifies me to give up this dream. I've come so far, but there is no finish line in sight. Every day I feel a combination of excitement and exhaustion. Stress and freedom. Clarity and confusion. Joy and pain.

I simultaneously want the craziness to stop, and never want it to end.

The thing that keeps me going is the constant support, the kind notes, the loving texts, and the uplifting messages I receive from so many of you. If I could live off of praise and gratitude, I'd have enough to last a lifetime. Thank you for that.

I'm Scared I'll Never Fall In Love

I just mentioned above that I've sacrificed a lot for The Loveumentary... much of that (not having a job, living in my parents' basement at 30 years old, etc) doesn't make me into the most desirable of bachelors.

I've told a few people about my fear of never falling in love, and they always respond with, "Oh Nate, don't worry about all of that. It will happen when the timing is right. You'll know when you meet the right girl."

Or they say, "How could you not meet someone? You are becoming an expert on relationships! You're destined to meet someone and have an INCREDIBLE relationship..."

I'll be honest, it's not really the idea that I'll never meet her that has me worried. I'm genuinely scared that everything I've learned over the last year about love, forgiveness, living intentionally, self-care, service, compassion, patience, kindness, and romance will get stuck in my head. I worry that I'm not going to be the quality of partner that I hope to be. I look at my past and I see how I've hurt amazing women that I truly care about. I've been selfish, shortsighted, and inconsiderate despite knowing better. I've closed up and shut down from fear. I'm scared that I won't be able to break the pattern.  I often wonder if my imperfections make me unlovable, and my baggage makes me incapable of loving.

I'm worried that after experiencing and learning from some of the most truly loving couples first-hand that I'll still be merely average.

Life is too short to settle for average, and I'm scared that my future is full of mediocrity... because I so often feel incredibly mediocre.

Now You Know

Now you know my secrets.

So, what are you scared to tell me (or others)? If you're comfortable, share your vulnerabilities in the comments. If the comments are too public, I'd love for you to drop me a line (loveumentary[at]gmail[dot]com) and tell me privately. We gain strength when we can share each other's fears and weaknesses. If there's anything I can do to help you, I will. I promise.

Faith vs. Fear - Which Will You Choose?

I talk to people about relationships and love every single day. Recently, I noticed a theme emerging from these conversations over and over again. This theme is at the very heart of what prevents most people (including myself) from allowing ourselves to truly, deeply love and be loved. The issue faith... or rather the absence of faith.

The faith I'm referring to doesn't necessarily need to be rooted in religion. Rather, I'm referring to a more broad, yet deeply profound confidence, belief, and trust in someone or something that is completely uncertain.

Our fear-mongering society has beaten faith out of us.

The hope in humanity that this nation was built on has been chased out of us. We're scared of terrorists, tyrannical government, and trans-fats. We're scared of the hyper-religious, and atheists. We're scared of kidnappers, cancer, and pit bulls. We're scared of global warming, Hollywood, rapists, child molesters, and we're scared of love.

We're terrified that love won't last. We doubt whether we can remain faithful for a lifetime. We fear that our loving relationships will slowly turn into a passive aggressive grudge match, and arguments over taking out the trash, leaving dishes in the sink, and toenail clippings. We fear that things will change... and not for the best.

Every day someone asks me the question, "Is it worth the risk to give someone your whole heart? What if they leave/change/become abusive/take advantage of me/hurt me/cheat on me?

"Isn't it easier to play it safe? I mean, you don't have risk getting burned if you stay single. You can't be emotionally destroyed if you hold back just a enough, and don't fully open your heart.

"The person with the most power in a relationship is always the person who cares the least, right? I'd rather have control, safety, and certainty than be the one who gets burned."

It's conversations like this that make me realize how faithless our society has become. We have been trained not to have faith in each other. We know how easy it is for us to change our mind, and knowing that the love of your life can change their mind makes it easy to doubt love.

The interesting thing about faith is that it cannot exist without doubt (faith without doubt is certainty), but if we allow that doubt to get a hold of our hearts, it can twist our uncertain reality into something it's not. It will mutate into fear. Then we are faced with a choice, do we allow fear to take over and our faith to go right out the window? Or do we dispel the fear with a heavy dose of love and faith in others and in the world?

Fear and faith cannot coexist. One will always dispel the other.

You must choose between certainty and love, emotional safety and deep connection, complete control and vulnerability.

You must have the courage to make the more difficult choice to experience the greater reward. Faith in the face of uncertainty is at the very core of love.

What do you think? Has fear eradicated faith? Do you need faith to have a healthy relationship? What are ways you can cultivate more trust in others? Let me know in the comments section!

And don't forget to share this post if you liked it!

America’s #1 Threat: Marriage Quality

Earlier last week, a 10th Circut Court Judge ruled Utah’s amendment prohibiting same-sex marriage as unconstitutional. Not surprisingly many Utahans were up in arms over this announcement, while others celebrated in the streets. Utah is now the 18th state to recognize gay marriage, arguably making 2013 the year of marriage equality. As a 29-year-old straight single male, I found myself laying in bed the night of this historical announcement with the feeling that too many people are fighting the wrong battle.

For the last 3 months, I’ve been traveling across America interviewing 100 couples who are in love with each other. On my journey I interviewed the religious and non-religious. I documented stories of the rich and the poor. I stole glances into the lives of city dwellers, and country folk, doctors, lawyers, and artists. I saw first-hand how incredible marriage can be. And after talking to these amazing people, I have come to one very important realization:

Too many married couples have forgotten what love is all about.

I arrived home from my journey just in time to observe the backlash of the ruling. It surprised me how many people were passionately fighting to prevent others from getting married while their own marriages are merely an emotionless husk of a relationship.

Couples everywhere have allowed their marriages to turn into a glorified roommate situation. Date nights are a rare, and seldom involve any type of emotional connection or excitement. Couples have convinced themselves that their relationship should take a back seat to their kids, or finishing school, or work commitments, or church responsibilities. They no longer communicate in hugs and kisses, and instead choose passive-aggressive stares and sarcastic gibes. They exist in the same space, breathe the same air, and yet haven’t shared a real moment together in weeks, or even years. Their sex lives have grown stale as they’ve allowed the plague of busy, the drone of routine, and build-up of resentment to make them forget what they once cherished so deeply.

Marriage Equality is not going to be the downfall of our society. The real threat is a lack of Marriage Quality.

We, the single folk, need more role models and examples of what happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships look like. We need to see husbands invest time and energy in their wives as if they were the most important thing in the world. We need to see wives adore their husbands more than blood-sucking characters from romance novels, or reality TV stars with 10 simultaneous girlfriends.

We need to be exposed to emotionally healthy couples who surprise each other with romantic gestures - who learn new things and fulfill lifelong goals together. We need proof that marriage opens up a whole new world of opportunity and growth that can’t otherwise be experienced.

In short, we need someone to show us that marriage truly is better than being single.

It’s time to raise the bar. Step up to the plate. Show us what marriage is meant to be.

You’ll do far more good in the defense of the sanctity of marriage by writing a love note to your spouse than you ever could by updating your Facebook status with impassioned, scripture-infused messages in an attempt to put your morals on display. Choosing to create and share a life of joy, memories, and love will have more impact than merely being that person who complains about the moral corrosion of our society or shaking a fist at ominous government leaders.

I truly believe the number of kids born to single parent households will drop if we stop focusing so much on who gets to get married, and instead have more examples of what it means to be happily married.

I’m confident that the fear of commitment that comes with cohabitation, and the irreconcilable differences that consistently receive the blame for divorce, would all but disappear if people allowed themselves to talk about how much they love their spouse, and not complain behind their backs, or refer to them as the “ball and chain.”

On behalf of single people everywhere who still believe in marriage but are quickly losing hope, can we please stop fighting about things that won’t change, and instead start fighting for the things that should?

And to those of you married couples who have something special, please make your voices heard. A generation of jaded cynics desperately needs you to show us the way.

Why You Should Stop Looking For "The One"

You don’t go on a journey around the country to capture 100 great love stories and not think about what it means to find “The One.”

So many of us (women in particular) approach the next potential partner we meet and the first question we ask: “Is this The One?”

That’s a heavy question, isn’t it? It puts a ton of pressure on every interaction. We lose focus. We lose sight of the joy in meeting someone new, discovering who that person is, learning whether we dance well with him or her.

And unfortunately, that’s precisely the reason why we’re rarely able to accurately discern whether the people we get to meet could, in fact, be the one we really want to end up with.

"Is this person the one?"

That question hints at a lack of trust that the universe is unfolding exactly as it should. The truth is, the next person that comes into your life is going to be EXACTLY the one. Maybe it’ll be for a conversation; maybe it’ll be for a lifetime.

The next person you meet will, in fact, be the one. And if there’s a person after that, he or she will be “The One,” too.

You aren’t responsible for predicting the next 50 years of your life whenever you go on a first date. That’s basically what you’re asking yourself to do by starting with the question, “Is this person the one for me?”

Your responsibility is simply to come to each One with an open heart, and an open mind. And let that person teach you what you need to know. So you can be a better woman or man. So you can be the best version of The One for the next One you meet. Because you’re someone else’s future “The One” too, you know.

And, if you’re lucky, you discover the lesson the world has been meaning to teach you all along:

That YOU are the person you’ve been waiting for. You are the limitless source of love. And whether you’re single or in a great relationship or in a relationship you’re questioning, that’s perfect for you.

You are where you are because there’s a lesson (or twenty) that you must learn to evolve to the next best version of you, which brings you closer to your next One.

So embrace where you are. Learn what you can.

The next person who walks into your life will be exactly the right One for the next set of lessons you need to learn.

And if they help you realize that you are, indeed, the One you’ve been waiting for—that there are a million reasons why you’re lovable and worthy…

I think that’s when you should hang on and not let go.

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This article was originally posted on Melissa Joy Kong's blog. Read more about what Melissa has written about life, love, and personal growth here.

I Have Always Admired Your Shortness

The Last Love Letter Project is a series of hand-written love letters answering the following question:

If you could write only one last love letter to the person you love most, what would you say?

Participate in the Last Love Letter Project by writing your own letter and submitting it here.

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Dear Carson,

I have always admired your shortness. I have also always thought that tall and short people look cute together. So, how about you and me?

I've had a crush on you for a long time... I'm sorry I haven't given you these letters yet, but hopefully you'll get them soon.

-A

P.S. I was in your class

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If this letter gave you a warm fuzzy, you should definitely write one of your own. You won't regret it. And if you feel like sharing the love, submit it here:

[jbutton link="http://loveumentary.com/love-letters/" halign="center" size="large" color="blue" rounded="no"]Submit Your Letter![/jbutton]