6 Key Lessons About Long Distance Relationships

When I had my first long distance relationship, seven years ago, I was scared, worried and confused about how was this relationship supposed to work? All I knew about making relationships work went out the window, there was no more time spent together, no more hand holding and smiling while looking into each other’s eyes, no more dates, sex, parties, movies… none of these.

There was only a PC and an old phone. How was I supposed to make a relationship work through a PC and an old phone, I was asking myself?

But, fast forward seven years later, and I’ve lived in five different countries and every time I moved to another country I’d leave a girlfriend behind, we’d try a long distance relationship until I’d lose interest and attraction for the girl.

Overall six long distance relationships in seven years. But here’s the good news, 3 years ago I met a lovely girl while traveling, and that moment was the beginning of a my last long distance relationship, which has recently ended with her coming to Denmark and us living together in a cozy apartment in a little Danish city.

So if you do the math, you realize that 5 relationships didn’t last, one did… what was the secret?

And I’d tell you: seven years of experience with long distance dating, and about 5 years of passionately studying the topic of seduction and relationships… when put together resulted in the most successful and fulfilling relationship that I’ve ever had or seen anyone else have.

If at this moment you have a long distance relationship, chances are that you’re finding it quite challenging, that’s why bellow I’d like to share with you some of the lessons that come form my experience and education on the topic, which might as well help you make your long distance relationship work like a charm, bypassing the steep learning curve that I went through.

1. The First Lesson Is About Time

The first thing that I’ve realized is that it’s not the distance that’s the enemy in a long distance relationship but the TIME. Yes, time. I mean, it’s the whole time we have to wait until we see each other again that makes a long distance relationship hard and painful. This long time makes us suffer, discourages us and sometimes makes us give up. And understanding that “time” is the number one problem helped me a lot in keeping my LDR alive, successful and enjoyable.

The reason is that while you cannot really manipulate the physical distance, you can manipulate the perception time.

From that point on, I looked differently at my relationship… I didn’t think “Ohh, we’re so far away so far away from each other and there’s nothing I can do about it…” But I started thinking “Hmm, I have to wait 6 months until I see her again… How can I make this period shorter?” Or how can I make this period at least “feel shorter” for me and for her. Or how can I make this whole period more enjoyable? Or how can I make use of this time being apart for the benefit of our relationship, and also for my own personal life?

So it changed my thinking from a problem-oriented and helpless attitude to a solution-oriented and proactive attitude. From there on I looked for any possibilities to visit my girlfriend as soon as possible.

And guess what? If you look for solutions – you find them. It took me 2 months to figure out a way to visit her sooner than 6 months.

However, when there was no way to visit her sooner, I looked for ways to keep myself busy, involved myself in various projects, become a volunteer, started personal projects and so I took my mind off the painful missing of her.

As the saying goes “Time seems to appear longer when one notices it.”

Being far from her gave me a lot of time to focus on my own life, thus focusing on my own evolution and career as a love coach. I actually find long distance relationships very beneficial for my productivity.

2. The Second Lesson is About Equality

The second thing that I learned was the principle of equality in a relationship. And here I mean that if I want to have a healthy and successful relationship, there should be equality between her and me on three levels: feelings, attention and favors.

Feelings: Love needs to be a two way feeling. We have to both love each other and do our best to keep love alive. It’s very common that one partner loves less than the other and then behaves accordingly… makes the other partner jealous, disrespects, lies, starts fights all the time etc. And because the feelings are not equal one partner becomes indifferent and the other more needy.

The idea is that as long as there’s no equal love, then you better let your partner go, or they let you go. It’s true that you might suffer a lot, but it’s better to suffer a few months for losing them than suffer a few months while being with them and then a few more months for losing them.

“Love is a team game, if one player stops playing well enough, the team loses!”

Attention: When it comes to relationships, when we love our partners we tend to become needy and thus suffocate our significant other with our attention. And if we do that, what happens is that they lose attraction for us, because they KNOW that they have us by the balls, so they are not challenged anymore, they are not excited to be in this relationship and thus end up taking us for granted.

The idea is that we want to give our partner as much attention as she/he gives us. We don’t want to shower them with text messages and phone calls. We want to keep things equal. I call it the reciprocity rule.

Favors: We humans, we hate being refused. Thus we hate when we ask our partners to do something for us and they refuse to do it.

As a result, if you’re anything like me, you’d start arguing with your partner about why she doesn’t want to do it.

That’s a very common problem that I hear a lot of people complaining about: she/he doesn’t want to undress in from the camera, or he/she doesn’t want to write me a post letter, or he/she doesn’t want to sent me more text messages, or he/she doesn’t call me as much as I’d like…. etc.

The idea here is that you want to agree with your partner to accept each other’s requests. If you ask them to do something - they have to do it, and also if they ask you to do something - you have to do it. This agreement will keep you both be satisfied.

Of course you have to be reasonable about it, and not ask them to do crazy stuff for you, but as a general rule, you want to make a habit of fulfilling each other’s requests.

So as long as you have equal feelings for each other, you give each other equal attention and you respect and fulfill each other’s requests, then I can say that there’s a healthy relationship going on where both partners can be happy.

3. The Third Lesson Is About Predictability

It’s very easy to fall in the predictability trap when being in a long distance relationship. You start talking at the same time of the day, about the same topics and over time it all becomes a routine. Your partner can easily predict what your relationship will look and feel like in 3 months - at what time you’ll be talking and what you’ll be talking about.

Predictability means No Fun and No Excitement, and any relationship needs excitement to stay alive. You want to be unique and unpredictable. You want to be creative and spice things up from time to time.

My suggestion is that you think about your relationship “daily routines” and try to change them a little, do the same things in a different way, talk at different times of the day, send them different types of text messages (sexy ones, jokes, love texts, updates about your day etc.) make them curious more often, talk about new subjects when chatting on Skype etc. YOU WANT TO KEEP THNIGS FRESH!

4. The Forth Lesson is About Sexuality

We humans are sexual beings. Sex is an important part of our lives, and in our young years especially, we’re spending a lot of time and energy on satisfying our sexual needs. In a LDR, sexuality is as important as it is in a classic relationship, that’s why you have to satisfy each other’s sexual needs even from afar.

In my experience sexing things up at least once a week will make a relationship more fun, fulfilling and stronger overall. So what you can do is to talk about sex, maybe tell her some sexy stories, or tell her what you’d do to her if you were together in that moment, or have online sex, dance striptease for each other, play some sexy games and so on, about once a week. This way you’ll keep that sexual spark between you alive.

You can’t afford to ignore your sexuality just because you’re far away from each other and cannot have real sex, because if you do so, two things are most likely to happen: one is that your relationship will start to seem and feel more like a platonic friendship than a romantic love story, and second, is that your partner will tend to look for other sources of sexual attention.

5. The Fifth Lesson Is About Purpose

We humans need to look forward to something in order to be motivated to fight for it. In a LDR, we need to look forward to our next meeting, or to the FUN things that we’re going to do when we meet next time.

So you want to make sure to give your partner NICE stuff to look forward to. As long as they know that in 3 months you’ll see each other again and that you’ll close yourself up for 3 days in an apartment and have sex until your knees hurt, and you’ve described to them in great detail what you’re going to do to each other… they’ll be excited about it, and they’ll make sure to be a “loving partner” for the 3 months before your grand meeting.

6. And The Sixth Lesson is About Freedom of Choice

You cannot stop your partner from cheating on you, or you cannot stop them from going out too often, so you can’t control their faithfulness to you. What you can do, however, is to give them the freedom to do whatever they feel like, as long as they take responsibility for it. As counterintuitive this sounds, as effective it actually is. The way I often put it is: “Listen, if you like a guy and want to have sex with him, you are free to do it, as long you take responsibility for the fact that our relationship will end in that exact moment, even if I will suffer a lot. And don’t think that I won’t find out, because I will sure enough feel it in your behavior. I DO want you to be with me and be a faithful girlfriend, and I trust that you WILL be, because you’re not like many other easy girls out there, but just so you know I am not forcing you to stay faithful, and it’s all up to you as long as you take responsibility for the fact that you’ll lose me forever.”

In this case it’s not you who is stopping them from cheating, but it’s themselves that decide not to do so because they want to be with you.

People tend to do what they are told not to. And cheating is a very sensitive subject because the temptation is high most of the times and only realizing that “you’ll lose forever the person you value most if you do it” will most of the times stop you from cheating. Besides, this is an effective attitude on so many other more subtle levels: it shows that you are not needy, which increases attraction; it eliminates the “forbidden fruit” issue, which lowers their temptation and it shows that you trust them, which enforces the law of expectations.

One Last Thought

These were just a few of the key elements necessary to make a long distance relationship work.

But if there is one thing that will contribute most to keeping a long distance relationship alive, it would be this one: Replacing Fear with Curiosity.

Which means that in those moments when you feel like it’s all a waste of time, and you can’t see a potential future together, even though you love your partner so much, and you’re so confused that you’re ready to give it all up, remember this word - “curiosity” and instead of being afraid of an uncertain future… chose to be curious about what the future is holding for you!

Because fear freezes you, makes you stressed and pessimistic, while curiosity empowers you and gives you hope and motivation to fight.

[jbox title="About the author" border="5" radius="15"] Besski Livius is the founder of Long-Distance-Lover.com, an online platform for long distance relationship advice for men.[/jbox]

Episode #40 - Say Yes To Adventure with Josh and Jenny Solar

 

 

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The Power Of Integrity

It's inherently easy to love people when we know we can trust them. The best friend who would be there without question in a moment of need. The parental figure who would cross the globe on the next available flight if they were worried about you. The significant other that shows up every day without question, and chooses you.

As humans, we crave connection... and let's face it, the only people we truly let into our hearts are those we really trust.

So, how do we gain trust? Well, the most basic element of trust is integrity.

Integrity, put simply, is doing what you say you will do.

I've recently become fascinated with the topic of integrity. In the last few months I've had my life turned upside down. All of that chaos has provided me with a long, hard look at my life from a brand new perspective. One thing has become very apparent: the majority of the pain I've caused myself and caused others in life can be traced back to a lack of integrity on my part.

There have been moments where I've avoided being honest to preserve my pristine reputation. There have been times I've indulged in selfish behaviors despite knowing my actions were inconsistent with my values. I've said mean things in an attempt to be funny, and hurt people I cared about. I've buried the flaws I don't want others to see in order to avoid looking broken and human.

When I do these things, I feel a pang in my gut. It's a feeling that washes over me screaming, "You're not being authentic! That's not who you are!" I'm flooded with guilt and shame. I sacrifice my integrity to avoid looking stupid, and although it might fool people in to liking me more in the moment, with time they always figure out the truth, and I'm left feeling like a fraudulent human being.

Living with integrity, though not always easy, is the key to renewed self-esteem, healthy relationships, and quiet confidence.

Talk is Cheap Because We Make It Cheap

The thing I love most about Josh and Jenny is that they have mastered the art of integrity. One of their family mottos is "We don't talk about doing cool stuff. We DO cool stuff."

They don't just talk about creating memories together. They wake up on Saturday mornings and celebrate the weekend with special pancake breakfasts and smoothies! They slow dance in the kitchen with each other. They pull over their car in the middle of a road trip to make out in the rain.

They don't just talk about putting their kids first, they completely reinvent their careers to make sure they get to spend as much meaningful time together as a family as possible.

They don't just talk about going to Europe one day. They check their kids out of school, buy plane tickets, and find a place to stay for 4 months.

There is something to be said about knowing the person next to you is going to do exactly what they say they will do. Ever. Single. Day. It creates space for a special kind of love that few people get to share... the love that comes with perfect trust, confidence, and commitment.

It's this kind of integrity that allows the Solars to say "yes" to adventure. They can literally see something that excites them, make a decision to pursue it, and trust with complete confidence that it will happen... because when they say something, they do it.

Integrity gives you power in love and in life. Integrity is the essence of creation. And integrity is such an incredibly simple principle to put into practice. It starts with yourself.

Where do you lack integrity in your life? Is it your health? Is it being reliable and on time? Is it putting in an honest day's work? Is it being honest in your relationships? Start improving your integrity today. Make a commitment to have perfect integrity in one area of your life, and then do it. Adventure, opportunity, and connection are sure to follow.

[jbox title="Show Notes:" border="5" radius="15"] Check out the Solar's amazing website, The Happy Family Movement. It will inspire you.

Want more awesomeness? Check out their new product dedicated to helping people be more present and engaged with those they love... Phone Monster!

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Your Love Has Transformed Me

The Last Love Letter Project is a series of hand-written love letters answering the following question:

If you could write only one last love letter to the person you love most, what would you say?

Participate in the Last Love Letter Project by writing your own letter and submitting it here.

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Christin,

How is it we've only been together two years? It feels like a lifetime - of joy and openness and sharing and support. I suppose that's because even when you weren't there, I was looking for you. Reaching out for you in the cold, dark, loneliness. And suddenly a light came on and there you were. And the cold turned into warmth, the loneliness replaced by powerful intimacy. Slowly at first, but it has built and grown more strong and more secure. And now I can't imagine a life without you at the center of it.

You are my inspiration. My goal. I pull to you. Your love has transformed me - your passion transfixed me. The way you live and love inspires me. I want to give you back all the things you have given me: Support, kindness, understanding, forgiveness, correction, compassion, laughter, joy, my heart, and all my love.

-Jordan

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If this letter gave you a warm fuzzy, you should definitely write one of your own. You won't regret it. And if you feel like sharing the love, submit it here:

[jbutton link="http://loveumentary.com/love-letters/" halign="center" size="large" color="blue" rounded="no"]Submit Your Letter![/jbutton]

Are You Bold At Work But Not In Your Relationship?

Being Bold in Life

She always completes her work projects on time. She's rarely late to pick up her kids from swimming lessons. She's the first to raise her hand when volunteers are needed. She's bold and she's thoughtful. She's the kind of friend you can always rely on for good advice or a shoulder to cry on. She helps you see the brightside when things seem messy and she's always looking out for your interests.

There's a problem here though. Through her boldness and care for other people's interests, she has forgotten to speak up for her own. Where this is most evident is in her relationship.

In every healthy relationship, there always exists an opportunity to connect on a deeper level but many of us fear going there. It's almost like a "don't rock the boat" mentality or more specifically, "maybe I'll get what I want out of my relationship once the kids are off to college". Sometimes the reason is also, "I've tried...once...to speak up for what I wanted more of in my relationship but it was ignored so I don't bother any more"

Nobody gets up in the morning hoping they don't give their partner what they need that day. It's just that needs can be pushed to the side as a secondary priority and labeled as "work." When you label what's required to deepen your relationship as something that requires too much effort, it can easily be ignored for days, months and even years. It just becomes easier to go through the motions and be in an okay relationship.

Defeating Busyniess

So how can you deepen your relationship when your to-do list is already a mile high? The first step is to have a conversation in a non-accusatory way. Saying something like,

"Honey, I've been feeling kind of blue lately and I'm wondering if it's because you and I haven't really had any alone time in awhile" Come from a place of discovery not a place of accusation. You want to be careful not to say something like, "it's been at least 10 years since I've felt connected to you".

Once you decide on when and where this alone time is going to occur, stick to it. If you push it off you are essentially saying that deepening our relationship isn't important and moreso, even talking about deepening our relationship isn't important. Yikes, that's a double insult.

During your alone time, start things off by verbally committing to listening more than talking. Each of you will ease up a bit knowing that you are going to be heard. If it’s easier, you can each take some time to write down what you want more of in the relationship. It is key here that you are not making a list of all the things that are wrong in the relationship. That will easily escalate. Focus only on things you want more of.

Remember we talked about being bold? Well this is your time to be bold in your relationship and help your partner become more aware of what you need.

For your first alone time, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a couple’s away retreat (those are great) but start with a small commitment of one to two hours of talking without distraction and a focus on listening. Aim to come away from the conversation with one or two actionable items and a commitment to do this again.

There are so many more details and tools I’d love to share with you so I look forward to being in touch again.

Live Love, Christine

[jbox title="Show Notes:" border="5" radius="15"]Christine Hart has been a Dating & Relationship Expert for over 14 years and has been featured in over 200 media outlets. She is the author of’ The Art of Living a Flirtatious Life’ and loves helping both singles and couples. www.yourdatecoach.com[/jbox]

Which Pain Will You Choose?

Pain cannot be escaped.

We spend so much of our lives seeking out safety and respite. We try to numb pain, dull discomfort, and run from the uncertainty, stress and anxiety of life. Yet no matter how much we try to make the comfort last, it is never permanent. The chaos of life floods through the cracks.

We put so much effort into escaping pain, and yet the people we look up to and admire most are those who have learned to embrace, and lean into the pain. The all star athletes, the celebrated authors, the accomplished business people, the wisest, most loving, and most revered individuals who seem have life "figured out"... they all stopped running from the pain. Instead, they've learned to turn around, open their arms, and embrace it.

Climbing a mountain is painful. Training for a triathlon is painful. Speaking in front of a group of strangers is painful. Writing a book, filming a documentary, asking for a raise, standing up for what's right in the midst of criticism, learning to ride a horse, running for office, committing to a relationship... all of these come hand in hand with their own pains. They stretch us. They force us to beat our own path. They break us down and make us rebuild ourselves into someone better, stronger, and more courageous.

When we embrace the idea that our dreams require a degree of pain - and make the decision to move towards that pain - the pain becomes our refiner's fire.

Pain and discomfort are a purification process.

Not only does it sift out the weak, but it sifts out our weaknesses. Our imperfections are slowly burned away as we push through and endure the intense pressure and heat. When the pain subsides we emerge as a different, vastly improved version of ourselves.

When we try to avoid pain rather than embrace it, we put off the purification process. Rather than opting for the refiners fire, we are beaten down by the elements. We are worn down and eroded over time as we try to fight against the inevitable. We've all been haunted by this kind of pain at some point. It's the inescapable pain we feel when we experience regret, fear, laziness, apathy, and inaction. It's the pain of choosing to be the victim instead of choosing to be the master of your own fate.

The pain you choose is what shapes your life.

You either choose to suffer for your dreams or to suffer in spite of them.

You can choose to risk the pain of a broken heart that often accompanies loving fully... or you can choose the the despair of loneliness, or the regret of never fully investing yourself into love. Both decisions include a degree of pain, but only one has a payoff.

Pain is an effect of being alive. Getting to choose your pain is a privelage of being human.

You can choose right now whether you want the pain that comes with working for your dreams of living a love-filled life, or to live in the pain of the nightmare of regrets that accompanies inaction.

Choose the right pain.

The Art of Being Broken

Broken

Kintsukuroi is the art of repairing broken pottery with a lacquer resin. Its earliest origins can be traced back to 15th century China when an officer in the military sent back a tea bowl for repairs. It was returned to him, patched up and completely usable.

The Japanese quickly caught hold of the idea, and improved on it by adding the powdered gold to the lacquer.

These mended pots were so beautiful that people began intentionally breaking valuable ceramics just so they could be mended.

Not only did the golden veins in the repaired pottery add beauty, the broken pots were more valuable than they were when they were in their original, unblemished state.

Your Cracks Are The Source Of Your Beauty

You see where this is going…

You are like these pots. You gain value as you weather the hardships of life. Every time you chip, break, and shatter is proof of your value. It is through your trials, your imperfections, and your flaws that you gain your most valuable virtues. These “imperfections” are the evidence of your courage, tenacity, patience, love, and strength. They are proof of the lessons you’ve learned and the growth you’ve experienced. With each struggle, crack, and repair, you add to your beauty.

So often we see these “cracks” as a reason for us to be unlovable, unwanted, or unworthy. And yet, their existence is the exact polar opposite.

Your cracks are what make you so different from every human on the planet. Learn to love your cracks. They are the very source of your soul’s beauty.

[jbox border="5" radius="15"]This post was originally published as part of the 30 Day True Love Challenge. I'm planning to launch another challenge soon, but I felt I needed to share this today for some reason. I hope it finds the person who needs it.[/jbox]

Best. Valentines Day. Ever.

Holy crap, what just happened?!

You guys, I want to share a story with you that I haven't told anybody. The last week has been one of the most miraculous and mind-blowing weeks of my life.

A few days ago I was on my way to visit a friend. I stopped to fill up my car with gas, and my credit card was declined. I had gone over my credit limit. The day before I had paid a few bills, and realized that my bank account (savings and checking) had been completely drained. I literally had zero dollars and zero cents.

It was terrifying. I felt hopeless. I panicked. I didn't know what to do. I already felt so inadequate, and now my dreams were collapsing on me, and that I had officially become a failure. I had reached the end of my rope.

A few days later, I woke up early in the morning. I hadn't been sleeping well lately, and I didn't want to waste my day. I plopped in front of my laptop not even bothering to put on pants, and started answering emails when I had a thought enter my mind. "You should try doing an AMA on Reddit." (An AMA, for those of you who don't know, is a sort of virtual interview where people can ask you anything they want.)

I tossed up a post about my quest to interview couples over the past year and a half of my life, and it exploded. Thousands of people asked questions about what I learned from interviewing so many amazing couples, what a great relationship looks like, and how this experience has affected me.

Within hours, other major websites started to pick up this story, and my life was suddenly transformed.

I share this with you because I don't know what you're struggling with right now. I don't know what craziness is in your life, or what burden you're bearing. You might feel like a failure like I often do. You might feel inadequate. You might feel like giving up.

Whatever heaviness is weighing on your heart. Whatever trial you're slogging through in your life right now... please don't give up.

Don't stop.

Keep moving.

I've learned once again that it is when you push through that last wall - the wall of abject poverty, or of emotional defeat, or of utter exhaustion - that something truly miraculous will be waiting for you.

Thank you all for your support and encouragement through the last year and/or week. Your support of me and this mission I've felt called to means more to me than you could ever imagine. I would have given up 1,000 times if it weren't for your love and encouragement.

I love you all. Really.

What About My Valentines Gift?!

Oh right! Sorry bout that. Maybe we should call it a President's Day Present?

I've been saving this interview for a special occasion. I think Valentines Day (or a few days after, in this case) is the perfect timing.

Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages is one of my personal heroes. We got to sit down with him and learn about his marriage early on (I'll bet you didn't know he almost got a divorce...), and we talked a lot about what you can do to nurture your relationship BEYOND the 5 love languages.

A huge focus of the conversation was about forgiveness. Here's one of my favorite quotes:

I think that learning to apologize and forgive is a second fundamental. I deal with this in my book “The 5 Languages of Apology,” but the recent book’s title is “When Sorry Isn’t Enough,” because typically if people apologize at all, they say, “I’m sorry.” Well, for some people that doesn’t hack it. That doesn’t really communicate sincerity. So in that book we deal with 5 different ways that people apologize, and learning what the other person considers to be an apology, so if you’re going to apologize you can do it in a way that’s meaningful to them, and communicate sincerity to them.

And then the whole concept of forgiveness - that it’s a choice. You either choose to forgive or you choose to hold it against them. And if you choose to hold it against them, the relationship doesn’t go forward. If you choose to forgive them, it opens the door to the possibility that the marriage can continue to grow.

I hope you enjoy it.

What I Don't Want You To Know...

I Don't Want You To Know That...

I just finished reading a blog post that presented me with unfinished sentence that made me squirm uncomfortably in my chair.

The invited readers to complete the sentence: "I don't want you to know that..."

The moment I read and completed that sentence, my fears came crashing down on me. I felt like I was drowning emotionally - clawing my way to some invisible surface in the hopes that I might breathe in great gulps of calm and freedom from the crushing anxiety consciously weighing down on me. It was unexpected. I didn't realize there was so much I was keeping hidden.

I feel like you deserve to know some of my secrets. My (selfish) hope is that maybe through sharing, I might get some comfort and reassurance from you... and also that you might feel a little less afraid and alone in the midst of your things you don't want me (or others) to know.

The Loveumentary Makes Me Feel Incredibly Lonely

I started this project with the hopes that I would learn how to be the best possible future boyfriend/husband. I never imagined it would place me at the feet of some of the most amazing couples this world has to offer. I've had the privilege of sitting across from complete strangers at kitchen tables across America as they shared the most intimate details of their lives. In a little over an hour, I've laughed, wept, and cheered over the life stories of newly-made friends.

I have sat in the presence of true love. I've felt the overpowering, radiating glow of true care and affection between two (sometimes more than two) people. I've felt the electric heart-humming sensation of two people who are so mad for each other they haven't been able to keep their hands to themselves for decades.

I've had a front row to true love... and it's made me painfully aware that I do not have it.

Don't get me wrong, I would never take back the experiences of meeting all of these amazing couples, and learning from their years of wisdom and experience. But there are days - typically the days when I'm sitting at home trying to find a friend to spend time with on a weekend, and I realize that most of my friends are married or in serious relationships - where I wonder, "Will I ever get to experience true love for myself?"

I Want To Make The Loveumentary My Life

I quit my job over a year ago to pursue this project. Since then, I've blown through my entire life savings, moved into my parents' basement, and have taken a part time job as a taxi driver to keep the ball rolling. In the last year, I've sacrificed a lot... A steady income, a normal social life, and to some extent, even my health.

I want to make The Loveumentary my life. It's my baby. I've built the site, written well over 100 posts, recorded and edited all the podcasts, and tried hard to build a meaningful community where people can grow and experience more love in their lives.

But I'm scared that I'm going to have to give it up.

At some point, I have to make some sort of justifiable income (I'm working on ideas) or I have to walk away. Taking on a regular full-time job is terrifying. I don't want to go back to normal office life, sitting inside a carpet-walled cubicle for 8-10 hours per day. Sure, it would put money in the bank... but it would also rob me of the time and energy I need to help The Loveumentary spread like I dream it can.

It terrifies me to keep living in abject poverty, but it also terrifies me to give up this dream. I've come so far, but there is no finish line in sight. Every day I feel a combination of excitement and exhaustion. Stress and freedom. Clarity and confusion. Joy and pain.

I simultaneously want the craziness to stop, and never want it to end.

The thing that keeps me going is the constant support, the kind notes, the loving texts, and the uplifting messages I receive from so many of you. If I could live off of praise and gratitude, I'd have enough to last a lifetime. Thank you for that.

I'm Scared I'll Never Fall In Love

I just mentioned above that I've sacrificed a lot for The Loveumentary... much of that (not having a job, living in my parents' basement at 30 years old, etc) doesn't make me into the most desirable of bachelors.

I've told a few people about my fear of never falling in love, and they always respond with, "Oh Nate, don't worry about all of that. It will happen when the timing is right. You'll know when you meet the right girl."

Or they say, "How could you not meet someone? You are becoming an expert on relationships! You're destined to meet someone and have an INCREDIBLE relationship..."

I'll be honest, it's not really the idea that I'll never meet her that has me worried. I'm genuinely scared that everything I've learned over the last year about love, forgiveness, living intentionally, self-care, service, compassion, patience, kindness, and romance will get stuck in my head. I worry that I'm not going to be the quality of partner that I hope to be. I look at my past and I see how I've hurt amazing women that I truly care about. I've been selfish, shortsighted, and inconsiderate despite knowing better. I've closed up and shut down from fear. I'm scared that I won't be able to break the pattern.  I often wonder if my imperfections make me unlovable, and my baggage makes me incapable of loving.

I'm worried that after experiencing and learning from some of the most truly loving couples first-hand that I'll still be merely average.

Life is too short to settle for average, and I'm scared that my future is full of mediocrity... because I so often feel incredibly mediocre.

Now You Know

Now you know my secrets.

So, what are you scared to tell me (or others)? If you're comfortable, share your vulnerabilities in the comments. If the comments are too public, I'd love for you to drop me a line (loveumentary[at]gmail[dot]com) and tell me privately. We gain strength when we can share each other's fears and weaknesses. If there's anything I can do to help you, I will. I promise.

Faith vs. Fear - Which Will You Choose?

I talk to people about relationships and love every single day. Recently, I noticed a theme emerging from these conversations over and over again. This theme is at the very heart of what prevents most people (including myself) from allowing ourselves to truly, deeply love and be loved. The issue faith... or rather the absence of faith.

The faith I'm referring to doesn't necessarily need to be rooted in religion. Rather, I'm referring to a more broad, yet deeply profound confidence, belief, and trust in someone or something that is completely uncertain.

Our fear-mongering society has beaten faith out of us.

The hope in humanity that this nation was built on has been chased out of us. We're scared of terrorists, tyrannical government, and trans-fats. We're scared of the hyper-religious, and atheists. We're scared of kidnappers, cancer, and pit bulls. We're scared of global warming, Hollywood, rapists, child molesters, and we're scared of love.

We're terrified that love won't last. We doubt whether we can remain faithful for a lifetime. We fear that our loving relationships will slowly turn into a passive aggressive grudge match, and arguments over taking out the trash, leaving dishes in the sink, and toenail clippings. We fear that things will change... and not for the best.

Every day someone asks me the question, "Is it worth the risk to give someone your whole heart? What if they leave/change/become abusive/take advantage of me/hurt me/cheat on me?

"Isn't it easier to play it safe? I mean, you don't have risk getting burned if you stay single. You can't be emotionally destroyed if you hold back just a enough, and don't fully open your heart.

"The person with the most power in a relationship is always the person who cares the least, right? I'd rather have control, safety, and certainty than be the one who gets burned."

It's conversations like this that make me realize how faithless our society has become. We have been trained not to have faith in each other. We know how easy it is for us to change our mind, and knowing that the love of your life can change their mind makes it easy to doubt love.

The interesting thing about faith is that it cannot exist without doubt (faith without doubt is certainty), but if we allow that doubt to get a hold of our hearts, it can twist our uncertain reality into something it's not. It will mutate into fear. Then we are faced with a choice, do we allow fear to take over and our faith to go right out the window? Or do we dispel the fear with a heavy dose of love and faith in others and in the world?

Fear and faith cannot coexist. One will always dispel the other.

You must choose between certainty and love, emotional safety and deep connection, complete control and vulnerability.

You must have the courage to make the more difficult choice to experience the greater reward. Faith in the face of uncertainty is at the very core of love.

What do you think? Has fear eradicated faith? Do you need faith to have a healthy relationship? What are ways you can cultivate more trust in others? Let me know in the comments section!

And don't forget to share this post if you liked it!

America’s #1 Threat: Marriage Quality

Earlier last week, a 10th Circut Court Judge ruled Utah’s amendment prohibiting same-sex marriage as unconstitutional. Not surprisingly many Utahans were up in arms over this announcement, while others celebrated in the streets. Utah is now the 18th state to recognize gay marriage, arguably making 2013 the year of marriage equality. As a 29-year-old straight single male, I found myself laying in bed the night of this historical announcement with the feeling that too many people are fighting the wrong battle.

For the last 3 months, I’ve been traveling across America interviewing 100 couples who are in love with each other. On my journey I interviewed the religious and non-religious. I documented stories of the rich and the poor. I stole glances into the lives of city dwellers, and country folk, doctors, lawyers, and artists. I saw first-hand how incredible marriage can be. And after talking to these amazing people, I have come to one very important realization:

Too many married couples have forgotten what love is all about.

I arrived home from my journey just in time to observe the backlash of the ruling. It surprised me how many people were passionately fighting to prevent others from getting married while their own marriages are merely an emotionless husk of a relationship.

Couples everywhere have allowed their marriages to turn into a glorified roommate situation. Date nights are a rare, and seldom involve any type of emotional connection or excitement. Couples have convinced themselves that their relationship should take a back seat to their kids, or finishing school, or work commitments, or church responsibilities. They no longer communicate in hugs and kisses, and instead choose passive-aggressive stares and sarcastic gibes. They exist in the same space, breathe the same air, and yet haven’t shared a real moment together in weeks, or even years. Their sex lives have grown stale as they’ve allowed the plague of busy, the drone of routine, and build-up of resentment to make them forget what they once cherished so deeply.

Marriage Equality is not going to be the downfall of our society. The real threat is a lack of Marriage Quality.

We, the single folk, need more role models and examples of what happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships look like. We need to see husbands invest time and energy in their wives as if they were the most important thing in the world. We need to see wives adore their husbands more than blood-sucking characters from romance novels, or reality TV stars with 10 simultaneous girlfriends.

We need to be exposed to emotionally healthy couples who surprise each other with romantic gestures - who learn new things and fulfill lifelong goals together. We need proof that marriage opens up a whole new world of opportunity and growth that can’t otherwise be experienced.

In short, we need someone to show us that marriage truly is better than being single.

It’s time to raise the bar. Step up to the plate. Show us what marriage is meant to be.

You’ll do far more good in the defense of the sanctity of marriage by writing a love note to your spouse than you ever could by updating your Facebook status with impassioned, scripture-infused messages in an attempt to put your morals on display. Choosing to create and share a life of joy, memories, and love will have more impact than merely being that person who complains about the moral corrosion of our society or shaking a fist at ominous government leaders.

I truly believe the number of kids born to single parent households will drop if we stop focusing so much on who gets to get married, and instead have more examples of what it means to be happily married.

I’m confident that the fear of commitment that comes with cohabitation, and the irreconcilable differences that consistently receive the blame for divorce, would all but disappear if people allowed themselves to talk about how much they love their spouse, and not complain behind their backs, or refer to them as the “ball and chain.”

On behalf of single people everywhere who still believe in marriage but are quickly losing hope, can we please stop fighting about things that won’t change, and instead start fighting for the things that should?

And to those of you married couples who have something special, please make your voices heard. A generation of jaded cynics desperately needs you to show us the way.