Gratitude Is My Rocket Fuel

Hey Loveumentarians! So excited to be visiting today. Nate is one of my favorite people on earth. The Hubs and I are both enthusiastic supporters of The Loveumentary and Unbox Love.

So, when Nate asked me to write about gratitude my very first thought was, “Of course! Gratitude is my rocket fuel.”

Gratitude for me isn’t just a feeling, it’s an activity that I engage in daily.

I am pretty sure that I first got the notion that gratitude was something you could practice, like guitar, from watching Oprah. She was interviewing Sarah Ban-Breathnach, the author of a book called Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort of Joy and they talked about the idea of creating a gratitude journal.

I had never heard of such a thing at the time but I have had a general rule since about high school, that if it’s good enough for Oprah, and doesn’t require a billion dollars to do, it is most certainly good enough for me to try.

Oprah bought T-shirt sheets, I got t-shirt sheets. Oprah had frozen hot chocolate while visiting New York city, I had frozen hot chocolate the next time I went.

And so on.

So when she said to pull out a journal and write 3 things you were grateful for that day, I tried it.

There are worse things a teenager could experiment with, I am sure.

The idea behind the journal was that the more you notice and appreciate things and experiences you are grateful for, the more of those good things and experiences come into your life.

Kind of like the law of attraction, gratitude edition.

The thing is even though I am a writer, I am absolutely terrible at keeping any kind of journal for any prolonged period of time.

Truly, truly terrible.

So I didn’t keep that up (sorry Oprah!). But, I did create my own gratitude tradition that I absolutely love and was totally inspired by Ms. O.

Every year sometime during the Thanksgiving holidays I take some time alone and write down 100 things I am grateful for.

It is positively amazing how many details you notice about life when you have set a goal to get to 100. After your immediate loved ones and lofty things like health and safety, you start noticing how grateful you are for things like:

• Paved roads
• Cold Stone Creamery Birthday Cake Re-mix Ice cream
• Shellac Manicures
• Every single one of your favorite TV shows
• Your husband’s smile when you go on vacation
• Your best friend’s laugh
• Kit Kats (especially British ones – the chocolate is mixed differently).
• Blogs. Friends. Laptops. Coffee.

And so it goes, until you get to 100.

Every time I make my list I notice how much of life there is to love.

There is so much and there is a seemingly infinite amount of tiny things that bring me huge amounts of joy.

I absolutely love the feeling I get when I notice and appreciate so many blessings.

But I am absolutely terrible at writing them down every day, so I decided I’d make gratitude lists whenever. In my head, but like all the time.

What I do is whenever I am paused at a red light, standing in line, or at any other random moment that feels good, I say, “Name 5 things you are grateful for, go!”

Best game ever, right?

The most random things come up.

Right now it would be

1. The gourmet chocolate candy bar that had pieces of potato chip in it (tasted like Crunch but saltier)
2. Really comfortable shoes
3. My bed. (I haven’t slept in it in a couple of days and can’t wait to see my pillow again).
4. The sound of my hubby breathing when he is sleeping.
5. Caffeine Free Coke Zero

See? Absolutely the most random things ever. And yet, I smile just thinking about them.

I savor the beauty and wonder and power of life.

And I don’t wait to write in a journal.

I do it now.

What I have found over the years is that like guitar, you get better at gratitude with practice. It comes easier, becomes more natural and shifts your mood quicker the more you do it. It’s kind of like taking a vitamin for your heart and mind.

Practicing gratitude is important to me because it helps me remember all the good in my life, especially when I am going through something bad.

In my opinion, the highest, most advanced level of gratitude you could practice, is being able to feel gratitude for your problems.

I totally love feeling gratitude for my blessings. Easy right? Still important to stop and actually DO IT – whether you write it, sing it, say it in your head or post it on Facebook.

But feeling gratitude for my problems – that has been probably the biggest mind shift ever.

Here is how I do it:

Years ago I attended a training called the Landmark Forum. Some parts of it I loved, some parts of it I really didn’t care for at all. But my favorite lesson I learned there was when one of the workshop leaders said something to the effect of:

We all want our problems to go away.

Problems do not go away.

Rich people have problems. Single people have problems. Married people have problems. People who have what you think you want all have problems.

The key to problems is not to eliminate them.

The key is to continuously upgrade the quality of your problems.

Upgrade the quality of my problems?!?! That idea just blew me away. I really pondered and took that into my gratitude-filled mind where it came out as:

" Well, that’s a great problem to have.”

Example, sometimes I feel overwhelmed – career, marriage, family, friends – all good things, right? And yet, sometimes I am not sure how I am going to get it all done.

And I think, “well, that’s a great problem to have.” I think of the alternative – what if all of those things that are making me so busy, were suddenly missing from my life. Whoa. Instant perspective shift.

Instant gratitude adjustment.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have problems and definitely doesn’t mean I have them all covered.

It also doesn’t mean that some problems don’t flat out suck. Really bad stuff happens and I don’t want to minimize that, but the only way I know how to get through those really dark moments is to search for the glimpses of light inside them.

Gratitude helps me do that.

I hope it helps you too.

Now that we have established that gratitude is a practice – it’s your turn. Name 5 totally random, completely wonderful things you are grateful for right now – do it in the comments and we will all say thank you together.

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] Maggie Reyes is a Life Coach, Writer + the Founder of ModernMarried.com. Her romantic-yet-practical approach to wedded bliss is regularly featured on Brides.com and The Happy Wives Club – the biggest wedding and marriage sites on the web.

Maggie loves all things Loveumentary and is excited to feature this great two part interview with Nate and Melissa on her site: Keeping Love Alive: Nate & Melissa The Loveumentary Interview and Love, Commitment and the Meaning of Marriage with Nate and Melissa from Loveumentary.com.

To read her favorite gratitude quotes click here. You can also click here to get a free gratitude list template to write your own 100 things along with an inspiring thankfulness-themed YouTube playlist. [/jbox]

The Gratitude Experiment

Early in my 25-year marriage, I was afraid to thank my husband for taking out the trash or washing the dishes. I thought if I thanked him, he would think those jobs were optional and stop doing them. I also wanted to make sure that he learned to do household chores the right way — my way. If I thanked him for a job that wasn’t done to my standards, I felt I’d never get him to shape up and do those tasks properly.

That’s why, when my husband did the dishes I said, “That’s great, but how about wiping off the counters now?” which was no thanks at all. That was a big plate of dismissal with a heaping side of criticism. I feel so sad for that younger version of myself who had no concept of the power of the practice of being grateful and was so miserable as a result.

As you can imagine, my husband wasn’t very inspired to help around the house because every time he tried, I either redid what he had just done or pointed out what he’d done wrong, like I was his grumpy boss.

As a result, I was responsible for doing everything, and I quickly became overwhelmed and resentful.

I didn’t know then that resentment is the opposite of gratitude, but it’s true. You can’t feel grateful and resentful at the same time. Since I didn’t know that, I spent years feeling like my mother on her worst day. My marriage suffered, and I insisted we go to marriage counseling so the counselor could fix him and I could finally be happy. When even counseling didn’t help, I finally turned to women who had long, happy marriages for advice. What they said shocked me because it was so different than what I’d seen and learned growing up.

It turns out there are six intimacy skills, which you’d think they would teach in Relationships 101 at every college, but they didn’t teach it at mine. When I stick to the intimacy skills, things go well at my house. We’re playful and relaxed. I feel connected and cherished, and the passion runs high. His face lights up when I come home. We rarely fight or have the long cold wars we used to endure.

When I forget about the intimacy skills, as I sometimes do, things don’t go so well around here. That’s how important the intimacy skills are.

The most powerful of the six skills is expressing gratitude—not when you feel it, but as a ritual or a discipline. To paraphrase Arthur C. Clarke, it’s powers are indistinguishable from magic.

One of the wise married women made this suggestion: Just express gratitude to your husband every day.

That didn’t make any sense to me. After all, I was doing everything around the house and no one was thanking me. But I was desperate to not be divorced, even though I often threatened it. Finally, I made myself come up with a few things to thank him for. I decided as an experiment to share three gratitudes a day, so I’d know for sure I was really doing it. That way if it didn’t work, I could say I tried.

I begrudgingly said, “Thanks for working hard to support our family.”

Next came, “Thanks for taking out the trash.”

Finally, “Thanks for trimming the tree.”

To my surprise, my husband went looking for more ways to help out. He even volunteered to do the dishes again, having apparently forgotten that I deemed him not properly trained for the task. When he was done, I thanked him, and I actually felt grateful. I could see he really wanted to make me happy, and when he succeeded it just inspired him to do even more for me.

As I continued with my three gratitudes a day, it became obvious my husband really was helpful and did do a lot to lighten my load. This was a shock. Since what we focus on increases, my newfound practice of focusing on what I appreciated made those things increase. But because I had also changed my attitude, he was responding to me with more generosity, and his own gratitude. “Thanks for putting the laundry away,” he started saying, and, “I appreciate you making us this wonderful dinner.” I nearly fell out of my chair. I had to admit, I loved feeling appreciated too.

That’s why, of the six intimacy skills I discovered when I was trying to save my marriage, I consider gratitude to be the most powerful of all. It does double duty because it changes my focus, which changes the way I perceive my situation. But it also changes my reality because it changes the way my husband responds to me.

It’s been over 17 years since I started giving my husband three gratitudes a day, and I can’t imagine life any other way now. There’s quite a culture of gratitude at our house. We thank each other all day long—often more than three times. It feels good, and helps us both remember how fortunate we are. It also helps us feel connected and affectionate. I’m no longer the martyr who exhausts herself trying to do everything. In fact, while I was writing this piece, my husband washed all the dishes and took out the trash.

I couldn’t be more grateful.

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] Laura Doyle is a radio show host, New York Times best-selling author of The Surrendered Wife : A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with Your Man, and the founder of Laura Doyle Connect, an international relationship coaching company that teaches women the intimacy skills they need to have passionate, peaceful relationships. Follow her on Twitter here.

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What Is Unsaid In Your Heart?

He awoke at 5am and crawled out of bed, with a sparkle of mischief in his eye. I closed my eyes and drifted back into dreamland.It was a few hours later when he and I stood in a circle with a group of inspired creatives and entrepreneurs. "As we close this retreat..." I said. "I invite you to share any closing reflections." That's the moment he flashed me the smile that makes my heart melt. I knew he was up to something.

"I have something to share," he said, confirming my suspicions. He nervously sidestepped back and forth in his adorable boyish manner. "I'm grateful for how each of you have impacted my life," he said. "And through the words of Rumi, who puts what my heart feels into words far better than I, I have a message for each of you."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I couldn't believe this man speaking before me is the one I am spending my life with. His heart, his compassion, his unwavering kindness -- I felt in awe. This man I am lucky to call my fiancé never ceases to give generously, and do it from the heart. 

As he went around the circle, I watched face after face light up with glee. As they shined brighter, he did too. In fact, we all did! It's there that I truly felt the ripple effect of gratitude, and how a few words can change you.

As he completed the circle, he finished with me, sharing something I'll never forget. He said, "The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along."

Gratitude, too, is within us all along. It takes only a simple expression from the heart, and it may always be remembered.

So I leave you with this: What is unsaid in your heart, that you feel called to express? 

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] Amber Rae is a writer + entrepreneur + traveler + lifestyle designer.

Currently, she's writing a book in 100 days. Here I share the ups and downs of the creative process in hopes of inspiring you to do your most inspired work.

Formerly, I launched six best-selling books in six months as Chief Evangelist of Seth Godin's Domino Project and launched accelerator for your life, Bold Academy. [/jbox]

How To Make Your Marriage Feel Like a 24/7 Slumber Party

If I had to name just one practice that is most critical in keeping my relationship with my husband Kiran strong, positive, connected and alive, I would say gratitude. By this I mean not just feeling a daily heartfelt appreciation for the Love of My Life, but expressing it aloud. We tell each other every day without fail, “You are the most important thing to me. I feel so blessed. You are extraordinary. I’m so lucky to be married to you.”

This habit comes naturally to us because we found each other in middle age. Both of us had been married before, divorced, and then spent several years struggling in unsatisfying relationships. When we came together at nearly 40, everything clicked—and we fully appreciated how rare that is. Our marriage feels like a 24/7 slumber party. We have so much fun, laughing, discussing topics grandiose and mundane, and creating together. And when we have to deal with life’s inevitable body slams, we’re there to support one another with compassion and tenderness.

But our attitude of gratitude is vital. What I love most is how gratitude unfailingly connects me to the beauty and magic of the present moment. Gratitude keeps me from dwelling on any perceived slights or injustices—getting upset or agitated if I feel that Kiran has ignored my needs, for example. I remind myself, “I’m so lucky. We adore each other. Surely I misunderstood.” And then we talk through what happened.

Gratitude also prevents me from spinning out into anxiety about the future. What we have here and now is a gift, and we can never know what might happen around the next curve in life’s highway. I can take a deep breath any time and sink into that warm, happy place in my heart where I know that I love and am loved. What else matters in life?

The way we express our gratitude for each other to each other every day keeps us both feeling secure and appreciated in our marriage. Insecurities fall by the wayside.

Trust builds with each passing year, creating a powerful foundation for our love.

You can’t overdo it when telling the people you love how much you love and appreciate them. Express your gratitude out loud every day.

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] MeiMei Fox is the published author, co-author, ghostwriter, and freelance editor of hundreds of non-fiction health, wellness, spirituality, and psychology books, articles, and blogs, including New York Times bestsellers Bend, Not Break with Ping Fu and Fortytude with Sarah Brokaw. She has edited books by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and she blogs weekly for the Huffington Post, and her articles have been published in Self, Stanford magazine, MindBodyGreen, Forbes, and numerous other publications.

In addition to writing, MeiMei works as a life coach, assisting clients in realizing their most ambitious dreams. She believes in integrating mind, body, and spirit into a total wellness program based on positive self-esteem and goal-setting. Please contact her for more information.

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The Peace and Perspective of Gratitude

If you've ever spent time in a developing country you quickly develop gratitude for the amazing quality of life enjoyed by those living in the U.S. and elsewhere. And it's the little things you notice. If you have had access to ice cubes today consider yourself blessed. After spending a hot summer drinking nothing but warm coke, lukewarm water, and hot herbal tea there was nothing like coming home, walking to the freezer and adding some beautiful ice cubes to whatever drink I was drinking. That first sip of something cold was truly one of the greatest moments of my life.  As I write this I can still conjure the same depth of gratitude I felt for the miracle of those little squares of frozen water. Absolutely wonderful. I probably drove everyone crazy with my over-the-top enthusiasm for an icy drink, that's how grateful I was.

Since that time, over 20 years ago, that feeling of gratitude has stayed with me. And not just the gratitude for the ice cubes, but the lessons I learned from people who, materially, had nothing, but were happier then most people I knew who had a lot. They taught me about real and lasting happiness even in the midst of dire physical circumstances.

As I've continued my life-journey things haven't always -- or ever -- been "easy." Early in my marriage life was really tough. My husband was active duty Army and soldier pay isn't great. Combined with some poor choices we made, we teetered on the edge of financial destruction. One night I was invited to a get-together with some of the other wives of my husband's unit. We were all supposed to bring $1 to donate to help with the needs of another soldier's family. I searched all through our apartment and managed to scrape together $.97 before my ride picked me up. I fought back tears all the way to the party and by the time I arrived was feeling so sorry for myself and my life that I could hardly talk to or even look at anyone.

It didn't matter that I was driving in an air-conditioned car, wearing clean clothes, and going to a party partly celebrating freedom and friendship and where I was sure to have some great food. All I could focus on was my current plight and the deep shame, embarrassment and frustration I felt.

Upon arriving we walked inside a lovely home, filled with smiling women and the hostess immediately welcomed us with a hug and something else -- a cold drink. I numbly accepted her hug and drink and looked around for a corner to slink into. As I sipped my drink, with ice, and looked around the fog began to lift. I might not have a dollar in my wallet, at that moment, but no doubt that would change in the future. I lived in the United States where I had access to work, food, shelter, clothing, and so on and not just at a basic level. My quality of life, compared to so many others around the globe was, and is, disproportionately better and easier. The cold drink quickly reminded me just how much I did have.

Life is a constant struggle, but every time I plop an ice cube into my drink, I'm quickly reminded of all the great things about my life. Seven healthy kids -- which is amazing -- a great marriage, shelter with indoor plumbing and heat, a grocery store nearby, living in a place of relative peace and safety, and the list goes on an on.

Gratitude is something I practice because it bring me peace and perspective and allows me to see the good in my life. And it is good -- especially when there's cold drink in my hand.

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] When she's not trying to corral seven energetic kids, Alisha is a Sex and Intimacy Coach at The Healing Group -- because everyone needs a hobby. She is passionate about anything purple, peanut butter and chocolate ice cream, and thrill rides. And she is married to Thor (or what Thor would look like if he settled down, fathered children, and didn't have as much time to work on those muscles). Drop her a line at askthesexsisters@gmail.com [/jbox]

Today Is A Beautiful Rainy Day!

I used to hate rainy days. They depressed me and made me want to kick something (or someone!) and crawl into a corner and sulk. And if I had to choose, I'd still pick sunny skies over rainclouds any day. But you know what?

Today I woke up and the sky was grey. The clouds were ominous. The air was cold and foggy.

And I fully expected to feel grumpy. I thought I'd want to retreat back beneath my covers before begrudgingly forcing myself to put my feet on the floor and begin my day.

But the strange thing is, none of these things happened.

I didn't want to kick anyone.

In fact, I sprang right out of bed. I looked right out the window, breathed in the cold, misty air, and I found myself exclaiming out loud with a smile:

TODAY IS A BEAUTIFUL RAINY DAY!

A strange and unfamiliar joy welled up within me as I took it all in: the beauty of the mist. The contrast of the lightness and darkness within the clouds. The feel of the cold air on my face, waking me up to life and to the joy all around me.

And then... get this, guys: I actually found myself feeling GRATEFUL FOR THE GRATITUDE ITSELF.

(Yes, that IS when you know you've become one of those annoyingly cheerful people .)

Wow, double gratitude... gratitude squared!

Don't get me wrong; I still have my bad days - the days where I cry and doubt and question and don't even want to get out of bed. Yes, these days still happen. Of course they do.

But that's a part of what comes along with the process of opening to life and to your emotions: in opening, you open yourself to the full array, the full spectrum of experiences. When shit gets painful, it HURTS deeply and fully. When things suck, they really suck.

But when things like joy and love and gratitude float into your experience, you feel them fully, too -- more fully than you ever thought possible.

In opening to the "good," you open to the "bad," too.

In opening to the "bad," you open to the "good," too.

And in each of these moments, good or bad, you are experiencing exactly what it is to be alive. Not to shut yourself off or to be "safe" or numb, but to be fully alive.

And that's my greatest wish for you, too, dear one - to come alive. To feel it all: sadness, pain, love, joy, ecstasy.

Because life is beautiful.

And sometimes ugly.

And bitter.

And sometimes sweet.

But for what it's worth, we're here.

For some unfathomable reason, we are alive. We're living, breathing, crying, laughing, stumbling, and picking ourselves back up again. (If we're lucky, maybe we're even kissing.)

This is life, you know?

And maybe one of these days we'll wake up and fully realize, within every cell of our being, how incredibly lucky we are that we get to experience it all.

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"]Therese Schwenkler is the Founder, CEO, and “Marketer of Truth" at TheUnlost.com, where she provides non-sucky advice on work, love, and what to do when life sucks. Click here to read Therese’s most popular articles about finding your way from crappiness... to happiness

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Gratitude Is Magic

About a year ago I was stuck. Full of anger, jealousy, comparison, a feeling of lack in my life. I was focused on this feeling of not having resources to do what I felt made me happy. I was unhappy with the community I lived in, and felt stuck. I was jealous of my friends I saw in my Instagram and Facebook feed. It seemed they were all traveling all over the world and working on such cool and meaningful projects. I was frustrated I didn’t know what my purpose in this world was. What was I put here to do? Can you relate to any/all of these things? It hit me one morning I had created habits of negativity. Each new negative habit I had created for myself led to even more negative habits. It was a vicious cycle and I realized I needed to replace my negative habits with positive ones. In came gratitude...

It was here that I stumbled upon a book called One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are, by Ann Voskamp. She used a gratitude list to help pull her out of a deep depression. She just kept notebooks all over the place and literally filled them with all the things she was grateful for. I wanted to try this out, but I realized very quickly my list was filled with people I’d shared experiences with throughout my life, or folks who’ve impacted me in some way.

So, I started writing one gratitude letter a day to a friend, family member or kind soul who’s loved me when I needed it most. Notes filled with all the things I love about the people in my life. Lists of things I love about them, why they’re so awesome and how they’re impacting the world.

Ponder this for a second. How many times do you think something rad about someone in your life? I’ll bet a lot. How many times do you then tell that special someone the radness you thought about them? I’ll bet not a lot.

And, here’s the deal. Gratitude is magic. My very unscientific description of the whole gratitude process:

1. A positive message travels along a nerve in the brain and reaches the end of the nerve, it releases chemicals that are then picked up by the next nerve allowing the message to be carried on.
2. These chemicals, or neurotransmitters, have a calming effect on the brain by increasing levels of other chemicals such as serotonin, which produces calm and peaceful feelings.
3. The more genuinely positive messages that are sent, the more neurochemicals are released and received allowing for peace and contentment and happiness.

I’ve found since I started my gratitude letter writing practice I’m less aggressive, happier, more optimistic, I sleep better and I have a better control on dealing with stress. I’ve found more JOY in the little things and an appreciation for life that was missing before. Gratitude changes everything.

Want to get started on writing gratitude letters to those you love in your life? I have a 14 day Spread Joy Letter Writing Challenge filled with tips on how to get you started and prompts on what to say if you’re feeling stuck. All the details can be found at Josh Solar Loves You.

Join Josh in a movement to fill the world with gratitude and appreciation! Write a letter of gratitude right now! Tell us about your experience in the comments.

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] Josh Solar is a giver of love, creator of art, and an influence for good in the world. If you love love, you will love his blog, Josh Solar Loves You, and keeping up with his amazing family at The Happy Family Movement. I highly recommend you check out his podcast episode on The Loveumentary as well.

Want to get the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge sent to your email inbox every day? Fill out this little form here:

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See The Good Then Be The Good

Welcome to the 30-Day Gratitude Challenge!

Just typing that word "challenge" makes me a little anxious. Does it stress you out to read it?

Maybe you're excited about the challenge! The timing is perfect, and you were just thinking the other day how you could use a little gratitude in your life. If that's the case, awesome! Welcome aboard!

Maybe you're thinking, "Great, a 30-Day Challenge. One more thing to add to my list. I probably won't even make it past the first week." If that's the case, awesome! Welcome aboard!

Maybe you're here because someone you care about (or someone you haven't spoken to since high school graduation) posted a link on their Facebook feed. If that's the case, awesome! Welcome aboard!

I know it might sound a little crazy... but I want to make you a promise: Regardless of why you're here, what attitude you arrived with, or the trials life has handed you, if you have the guts to spend the next 30 days immersing yourself in gratitude YOUR. LIFE. WILL. TRANSFORM.

It scares me to make a promise like that, especially without knowing you or your life circumstances. But I stand by it. That's how much I believe in the power of gratitude.

How To Get The Most Out Of The Challenge

To get the most out of this challenge, I have a few suggestions. They are simple and powerful. If done regularly, they will help you along this month-long journey... and you will be glad you did them.

1. Read every post from the 30-Day Challenge. Whether that means you visit the blog ever day, or you get the messages delivered to your email, read every post. Some of my favorite people will be sharing some very personal and very powerful stories with you. It is my belief that personal stories are incredibly powerful teaching tools. They allow us to see ourselves in others in the most honest, beautiful, and sometimes terrifying ways.Use these stories as a mirror.Open your head and heart to being taught from the experiences of others.
2. Write down your daily gratitudes. Get a journal. It can be a spiral-bound notebook, a deck of 3x5 cards, a moleskin notebook, a journaling app... you decide. Every day, write down something or many things you're grateful for. Challenge yourself. Dig deep. Start with easy stuff if you have to, but don't be afraid to look for reasons to be grateful for the tough things in your life, like that breakup, the death of a loved-one, an insecurity you've struggled with your whole life, or the betrayal of a friend. As you train yourself to see the good in everything (and yes, I mean EVERYTHING), you will see that everything in your life becomes good.
3. Express your gratitude for others. Everyone loves to feel appreciated. When people express gratitude for me, I feel full. I get this ball of energy in my gut, and it shoots through my chest, and floods my arms and legs and head till it fills my entire body. When someone I love tells me how much I mean to them, it makes me feel like I can conquer the world. I get a desire to be my very best self for them. It makes me want to do more and be more. Simon Sinek, author of Start with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action said, "There are only two ways to influence human behavior: you can manipulate it or you can inspire it." My belief is that gratitude is one of the purest forms of inspiration. Express gratitude this month and watch those around you begin to live as the very best version of themselves!
4. Join the Facebook Group. If you want to share your story, or if you want some extra accountability or encouragement, there's a Facebook Group for that. The people in this group are fantastic. They are the best kind of people. They will be there for you just as you will be there for them. If you want that extra push, join the group and interact. You'll get out of it what you put into it.

Thank You

Before I wrap up, I wanted to thank you... and not just the collective "you" that is the internet, but you. The you that is reading this right now at this very second.

Thank you for reading to the end of this post. Thank you for participating in this community. Thank you for making The Loveumentary what it is. Without you, all of this - hundreds of blog posts, days worth of podcast recordings, countless Facebook updates and emails - would be completely empty and meaningless.

Without you, I wouldn't have crossed the country in search of so many amazing people with such incredible lessons. These amazing people wouldn't have shared their stories. And I would be working a desk job wondering what to do with my life.

Thank you for giving me purpose. Thank you for giving me meaning. Thank you for showing up and making a difference. By reading this today, you have given me something that I could not have given myself. For that, I love you.

Now, go be grateful! Choose what you love then love love love love love what you choose. Love it with everything you've got!

Love,

Nate

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What's It Like To Be In Love?

Today on Reddit, user SavageHenry0311 responded to a girl's question about self-esteem by trying to describe what it's like for a guy to fall in love. It was so great I thought I'd share it with you...

Here's a link to the original:

I am not pretty, and I never will be. I can wear make up, do my hair, wear a lovely dress and heels and I'll never look like a 9/10. I know it shouldn't bother me but it does- I want to be beautiful, and I get so jealous that these other girls are born pretty. How do you deal with not being attractive to most men? How do you accept how you look and learn to love yourself regardless? I've always hated myself because of it and I feel like this is wrong because I'm a good person, so why should it matter? I blame everything on my looks- she doesn't like me because I'm ugly, I wasn't invited because I'm ugly, that person walking past me sniggered because I'm ugly etc etc.

---

I'm not "mansplaining" or trying to discount how you feel - I'm offering a perspective that might help. Believe me - I know what it's like to dislike your body. I got zapped in Iraq and I've got some unsightly scars, and I sometimes struggle to accept that I'll never be as physically capable as I used to be. Fucking sucks sometimes.

Anyway...I wish I could let you into a man's head as he's falling in love with a woman. It's a process that's so alien, so strange, that I'm afraid you've got to experience it to believe it. But it's as real as death and taxes....

Sometimes, a guy will meet a gal and think nothing of it. Maybe she's a co-worker, classmate, or his buddy's friend. She gets mentally categorized as "Female, acquaintance, feelings neutral". Then, he gets to know her better. If they mesh personality-wise, something fascinating happens in the man's mind. He starts to notice things about her appearance - pleasant things. It starts small - one day he realizes he likes looking at the curve of her nose, or where her ear lobe meets her face.

It's nothing he can put his finger on or describe, really...just that looking at that part of her makes him feel good. He starts wanting to do that more. Then, he notices an expression she makes - could be her genuine belly-laugh, or the way she furrows her brow in concern - and he gets a little flutter in his chest.

They stay friendly for awhile, get to know each other better.

Then, one day, she hugs him goodbye....and he can't stop thinking about it. He plays it over and over in his head - the feel of her breasts through two shirts, her arms around his back, her smell...he finds these little mental movies of her playing unbidden when he's driving somewhere, squeezing out his other usual daydreams.

Shortly thereafter, the guy realizes that whenever he looks at this woman, he feels good. He likes her lines, her curves, her sounds and smells...

It's like she's gradually turned from a black-and-white photo into a 3D color movie with surround-sound - a perfect movie that makes him feel good. He starts wondering what he can do to keep her around, to make her happy. He realizes that he likes looking at her more than any other human being in the world. To him, she is perfect and beautiful.

A man in love with a woman doesn't see her objectively. There is a filter there, or some kind of participatory illusion. He does not see who you see in the mirror. He is seeing someone beautiful and perfect and sublime, and it's one of the most powerful things in his life.

Go watch a happy old couple that's been married for decades. Watch the man's eyes. Sure, he may appreciate some young woman's ass in yoga pants or whatever...but watch his eyes when he's looking at his spouse. If you're paying close enough attention, you can almost see the filter click on when his gaze settles on her. In that moment, he's not seeing the same frumpy empty-nester that you or I see - he's seeing something wonderful.

No shit. If I hadn't lived this stuff, I wouldn't believe it either. But it's true.

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5 Important Relationship Lessons You Can Learn From an Arranged Marriage

Some of the most powerful lessons I've learned as I've interviewed hundreds of couples have come from some of the least common relationships. This interview was no exception. You'll quickly see the deep, abiding, and unique love that can be created even if you don't date before marriage.

Here are 5 lessons I took away from interviewing Iskara and Baldev. Don't just read them... apply them. It could transform your relationship.

1. Fighting is overrated

When you fight dirty in a relationship you surrender control of your behavior to your circumstances and your emotions. You become a victim to life, and victims forfeit any ability to choose love, peace, or kindness.

Emotionally intelligent couples take ownership of their thoughts, feelings, actions and moods. They don't blame other people for how they act or how they feel. And when they do feel strong emotions, they have the fortitude to avoid acting impulsively and instead act with kindness.

2. Loving your in-laws is important

One of the most common sources of contention in a committed relationship is the in-laws. Respecting and balancing the needs, wants, and traditions of two (and sometimes more) sets of parents can get really complicated really fast.

To handle this transition Iskara spent a lot of time with her in-laws, even without her husband present. When her parents raised a complaint she explained, "I've been your daughter for 27 years. I've been their daughter for only a few months." She understood that creating a positive and loving relationship with her new parents would only create more freedom and connection for her family in the future.

Become friends with your in-laws. The more they love you the less threatened they will be that you're stealing their baby away from them, and the more understanding they will be when conflicts arise in the future.

3. You're happiest when the person you love is happiest

I know it's cliché to say, but it seems to be consistently true for every couple I've interviewed... when you live as if the happiness of your partner is a priority over your own, you will find incredible joy and satisfaction.

When you go into a relationship thinking only of what you can get out of it, the relationship will not work. The trick to experiencing satisfaction in a relationship is to give up worrying about what you'll get out of it, and instead worry about what you can put into it.

How can you be the greatest contributor of peace, happiness, excitement, and fun in your partner's life? Seriously... ask yourself that question, then take action.

Love isn't love if it's only given with expectation of reciprocation.

4. Complimentary vs. Compatibility

Compatibility is overrated. We put so much emphasis on having common interests, hobbies, and beliefs. To be honest, it isn't all it's cracked up to be... at least not for everyone.

Rather than searching for someone who has everything in common with you, why not consider appreciating someone who brings you balance and pushes you to experience the world in a new way? It's good to have someone in the house who is great with finances, or an amazing chef, or can fix anything with a little wire and duct tape, or who brings a sense of humor to the table... especially if the other person lacks those strengths.

It's fun to have things in common, but it's vital to appreciate and value your partner for their differences.

5. Change means you get to fall in love all over again

People change. It's a fact of life.

You (and the ones you love) are constantly influenced by your experiences, your community, your choices, and your circumstances. You are never the same today as you were yesterday.

To some this is a scary prospect. "What if we grow apart? What it life takes us down different paths? What if things change?"

It is nearly impossible for fear and love to coexist.

Rather than fear change, embrace it. Without change, love stagnates. Look at it as an opportunity to fall in love with a new version of the same person over and over again.

What did you learn from this week's podcast? Did it change your thoughts on arranged marriages? How much of your ability to love is purely based on choice? Leave your thoughts in the comments!

We're launching a 30 Gratitude Day Challenge on July 1st! Want to get the challenge emails sent to your inbox every day? Fill out this little form here:

Here's the tunage from today's episode: