I'm With You

“I’m with you,” I said to her late last night as we held each other tight. I held her and listened, to all her worries. Tears slowly falling down her cheeks, overwhelmed with stress, wondering how we’re going to pay our bills through the winter. Worried our son might have a relapse. Feeling like she’s letting us all down. Scared to pursue things that matter because we’ve failed in the past and she just doesn’t want to feel that pain again. “I’m with you,” I repeated. Three words to let her know I hear her. Three words to let her know “You matter to me, my love.” Offering no judgements. Offering no advice. Just listening. Listening and wrapping my arms around her as tight as I can.

“I’m with you.” My wife needed to know, she’s not perfect, and it doesn’t matter at all, because I’m with her. I don’t need a perfect wife. I need a wife who’s not afraid to love with her whole heart. Letting her know I’m here, with her, no matter what…no matter how hard this season of life we’re currently in is, we’re together…fighting through the shit together. Fighting because our lives matter.

Fighting because she’s worth every ounce of joy and pain and suffering and love and her kisses and her touch and belly laughs and late night slow dances and the times when we don’t even have to say anything at all to each other, we just relax into each others arms and the adventures we share with each other and our kids. Our kids deserve a whole separate run on sentence.

It’s all worth it. This life, with her by my side, is worth it.

I’m with you. Three simple words I first heard in Bob Goff’s amazing book, Love Does. These words are powerful. They let someone know it’s OK to open up. That you’ve given them a safe space for them to be themselves, fully. Three words to let someone know they are loved.

And, isn’t that what we want in life the most? To know we’re loved, valued and appreciated? Ultimately, that’s where we find happiness and joy, in those times when we’re completely ourselves, loved and supported 100%.

It’s so easy, to offer advice. I have this innate desire to fix her problems. Especially when my wife is scared or hurting. I want to do anything I can to take away her pain and end her suffering and ease her worries. I want her to be OK and happy. Yet, sometimes, even though I feel I can do this for her, sometimes, all she wants is for me to listen. To just listen and not try and help.

Sharing our worries and fears and problems with others somehow, is enough to help. Saying things out loud, seems to ease their stranglehold they wield so mightily over us.

So, for now, all I want my wife to hear is this… “I’m with you, my love.”

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] Josh Solar is a giver of love, creator of art, and an influence for good in the world. If you love love, you will love his blog, (where today's post was originally published) Josh Solar Loves You, and keeping up with his amazing family at The Happy Family Movement. I highly recommend you check out his podcast episode on The Loveumentary as well. [gravityform id="2" name="Subscribe" title="false" description="false"][/jbox]

You Have Love Cancer and You Don't Even Know It...

Today's post was inspired by this week's podcast. You can listen to it here:

The Disease

There's something eating away at your ability to love.

It's running rampant in our culture. Experts believe that it's one of the leading contributors to breakups, divorces, and failed relationships.

This cancer slowly chokes off the intimacy and connection you crave and leaves you feeling empty and emotionally and physically exhausted.

It creeps into your life slowly. You don't even notice at first. Then the symptoms start to manifest:

• You're tired all the time.
• You experience high stress.
• You feel a loss of connection and intimacy with your partner.
• Your perception of time is skewed. The days seem to drag on for weeks and the weeks seem to fly by like days.
• You crave excitement and novelty and reflect on the days when those things were present in your life.

The list of symptoms goes on and will continue to grow...

You look at your life and wonder what's happening. Why it's unraveling. How you got to this place.

You are desperate to reclaim the love and freedom you once enjoyed, but you feel like a prisoner in your own life. You can't escape. You're stuck. "This is just what happens in life," you tell yourself. "You fall in love. You get married. You have a family. Then you just try to hold it all together."

When you suffer from this Love Cancer, it changes the positive expectations you had of marriage on your wedding day. No longer do they hope for a life full of passion and adventure and excitement. You begin to think that maybe a successful marriage is just a marriage that doesn't end in divorce.

Your idealism is all but gone. Realism and pragmatism start to set in. Maybe even some cynicism.

You start to forget what love once meant to you... and it spreads.

The cancer of which I'm speaking is BUSYNESS, and it has a cure.

The Cure

The cure to busyness is different than most cures. There is no pill. There's no routine. There's no new habits or procedures you have to implement. As a matter of fact, it's the very opposite.

To cure the Cancer of Love, you have to stop doing so much!

Every day things get in the way of connecting with those you love. You have work commitments, PTA meetings, deadlines, soccer practice for the kids, piano lessons, house cleaning, coffee dates with friends, the car needs an oil change and new tires, you have errands to run, parties to plan, events to attend, church commitments, service projects, pets to feed, and the neighbor needs a helping hand.

The cure to Love Cancer is learning how to start saying, "No."

We often forget that by saying, "Yes" to something it means we have to say "No" to other things. When you first got married, you would never say, "Yes" to a PTA Meeting and "No" to sex. How often does something like that happen now?

How often do you say "Yes" to working late, and "No" to date night?

Do you ever say, "Yes" to an attempt clean house and "No" to 10 minutes of present conversation and connection after a long week?

What are you saying "Yes" to in your life at the expense of the love you once had? What things are you saying "Yes" to that you should maybe consider saying, "No" to every now and then?

“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.”

― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

What do you think? Is busyness the enemy of love? What things have you mistakenly made priorities? How can you do better at keeping your priorities in the right place? Let me know in the comments!

How Can I Make This Day More Pleasurable For You?

My hubby and I have a game we play to deepen our connection, get out of ruts, or to be in service of replenishing each others feeling of surplus.The game can be played by the hour, the day, the month... whatever timeline feels best so that you both are in optimal surplus.

This morning I was the one feeling depleted and overwhelmed. He restarted the game by flirtatiously asking, "How can I make this day more pleasurable for you?"

This game sounds easier than it is. It requires that the receiver stop playing victim or martyr and take responsibility for their needs and wants, be able/willing to express them, and gracefully receive the others aid.

In order for this to work cleanly, it also requires the giver to be genuinely generous, not aiding with undercurrents of resentment, imposition or burden. It's actually the opposite, it requires taking pleasure from making someone's day easier and better.

I am generally emotionally and behaviorally flexible, but when I am tired or low resourced I still have difficulty answering this question. Today I wanted to default to victim mode, "There's nothing you can do, it's all up to me." (Yes, I'm noticing the manipulative current of resentment embedded in there and also shame and guilt for wanting/needing anything versus being totally self sufficient.)

But that's the whole point of the game - to pattern-interrupt those default modes that assert we are alone carrying the burdens of the universe and don't get to have help.

After 5 minutes of complaining he shimmies a bit closer and teases, "You still haven't answered the question. How can make this day more pleasurable?"

He's right. I still haven't answered the question. There's that guilty feeling again. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and try. What can I give myself permission to ask for that would contribute to my being in surplus?

How about a hug?

He happily obliges. I smile thinking he's like a male Amma. For as long as I've known him, one of his gifts are his love soaked hugs.

My nervous system begins to relax. I feel better.

Anyone up for playing this game with someone you are close to today? I'm curious what kinds of requests you have that would make your day more pleasurable?

Here's a few more of mine:

• Massage
• Exercise
• Hot tub
• Help with kids
• Healthy lunch made for me
• Love notes reminding me of something lovable about me
• Sleeping in
• alone time
• a movie
• 5 minutes of complaining (i got this one already, but i wanted to point out that sometimes the 5 min bitch + moan session is a great service. the overload just needs to come out and then i can move past it)

What is on your list?

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Don't forget to participate in National Love Note Day! Click the button below to join in the fun, and make someone's day a little more pleasurable.

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Episode #45 - How To Rid Your Relationship Of Neediness

Exiting The Friend Zone

The last few months have been a surreal whirlwind of craziness and moments where I just had to sit down and ask myself, "What the heck is happening?"

I've been semi-secretly dating one of my very best friends, Lauren. Lauren and I have been close friends for over 4 years, and fighting our way out of the "Friend Zone" has been an interesting experience to say the least. (That will be another post in and of itself.)

I'll admit that for the majority of our friendship I wanted to date Lauren, and I've fantasized of marrying her on countless occasions. And I'm sure once or twice she was crazy enough to consider marrying me. (She did say yes, after all.) But there were also times where we absolutely knew that we simply wouldn't work together.

When I reflect back on the times when Lauren and I were convinced about our lack of compatibility, one common theme stands out. We lacked compatibility most  when one (or both) of us was not being true to ourselves, or allowing the other to be true to themselves. When I grasped the concept of loving Lauren for exactly who she is and not who she could be, or should be, everything changed for me. Likewise when I allowed myself to be loved - both by me and by Lauren - it's like everything clicked.

We Don't Need Each Other

In this week's interview, Tom talks about dating his wife, Beth. He says that one of the most attractive things about her was that she didn't need him. She could go about happily living her life without him, and be just fine.

When people have love for themselves for exactly who they are, it gives others the permission to love them for who they are.

Few things will corrode a relationship faster than neediness and desperation. It's frightening to be in a relationship with someone who bases their happiness, their moods, and even their self-worth off of how you feel about them on any given day. A relationship full of neediness doesn't allow space for honest conversations, for authenticity, or even for bad days.

Here are a few ways you can get rid of neediness in your relationship to make sure to create an emotional ecosystem where love can flourish and grow:

Practice Self-Love

Your self-perceived value as a human being should not hinge on what others think about you. One of the most common fears in nearly every human I talk to about love is not being "enough." You are scared that you won't be funny enough, or ambitious enough, or smart enough, or attractive enough, or connected enough...

Here's the trick. You will never be enough for anyone else until you are enough to yourself. And you will never be enough to yourself till you begin to treat yourself like you have value... like you matter... like you're enough.

Self-love is an active behavior. It is treating yourself the very same way you treat those you love the most. It involves peaking kindly to yourself. It is forgiving yourself when you make mistakes. It's setting aside time for things that are important to you. It's treating your mind, body, and spirit with respect and dignity.

When you love yourself, you don't ever need anyone else to fill your cup for you. It's already full.

Plus people who love themselves attract love into their lives.

Set Boundaries

Neediness often manifests itself when someone (or both people) in a relationship oversteps their bounds emotionally, physically, or in any other area of the relationship. These moments often result in fights that get emotional and turn ugly.

When emotions get involved in a disagreement, nothing good ever happens. People do not think rationally when their adrenaline is flowing and their heart is pumping. All they can think about it either running away or doing everything it takes to get their way. Both of these tactics are manipulative and neither ever leaves the couple saying, "Wow, I'm glad we did that. What a great conversation."

If you want to avoid the neediness that follows threats, and manipulative conversations learn to fight better. Most couples don't break up because of what they fight over. Some couples get divorced over how to squeeze the toothpaste tube, and others grow closer together after serious infidelity. It's not what you're arguing over that's a threat to your relationship. It's how you argue over it.

If you're feeling insecure, don't make it about his work. If you're feeling under-appreciated, don't attack her about her girlfriends. Be honest. Take ownership of your feelings, thoughts, moods and behaviors. Speak respectfully. Leave the emotion at the door.

If the emotions come up, have a battle plan. Take a break. Go for a walk. Table the conversation.

These are just a few tips on how to eliminate neediness from your relationship. What other ones can you think of? Leave your ideas in the comments.

And while you're here, check out the new Loveumentary Store and get yourself your very own Love More T-shirt!

Intro music: For Once In My Life - Harry Connick, Jr.

Theme song:

Being In A Relationship Isn’t About Being Happy - It Is About Being Fully Awake

We crave love. We really crave it. I cannot get through a conversation with my friends without, at some point, turning to the topic of romance. Some are eager to find love. Some are dealing with heartbreak. Some are in relationships, trying to make sense of what love and commitment are really about. Others are feigning apathy; often asserting they are too busy focusing on their careers to think seriously about getting into a relationship. But, almost always, the topic of love is an inescapable part of the conversation.

We're thinking about it, dreaming of it, eager for it, scared of it, wondering if and where we’ll ever find it, and all too often suppressing our true questions and feelings about it.

Why?

Why do we care so much? Why do we crave romantic partnership? Why are so many of us yearning for a significant other (even if we don’t want to admit it)?

After spending four months on the road with Nate talking to couples and relationship experts all over the U.S., here’s one of the biggest lessons I learned:

We all believe, on some level, that being in love will make us happier.

You know what else I learned?

This belief is one of our most prevalent cultural delusions.

Yes—for many, finding a significant other leads to generally increased feelings of happiness, stability, and fulfillment. But, all of the couples we talked to said every moment of partnership and marriage isn’t perfect. Not every moment in love fills us with feelings of “happiness.” Some days, weeks, months—even years—in a relationship are filled with stress, hardship, difficult conversations, and challenging life decisions.

I don’t say this to create disenchantment about the institution of marriage or, more broadly, romantic relationships. I bring it up because hearing so many honest stories about the challenges of commitment and marriage taught me a much bigger lesson about life and loving well.

Here it is, in chart form (because who doesn’t love charts?):

SINGLE LIFE:

MARRIED LIFE:

MARRIED LIFE (WITH KIDS!):

I use the word “marriage” above, but the concept applies to all committed relationships. The more committed, the bigger the range of peaks and troughs—highs and lows.

Being in a committed relationship isn’t going to make you happy. Your happiness is and will always be determined by the meaning you assign to the circumstances and outcomes of your life. Trust me, I learned this the hard way.

Being in love doesn’t mean we’ll be happy all the time. But it does mean the range of experiences and emotions we feel are likely to expand in a significant way. This means the good stuff AND the bad stuff.

You know why? Because loving people requires that we let them in close. And if we let people in close, it means they can hurt us the most—even if they don’t mean to, even if they don’t want to. So when we sign up for love, we’re also signing up for pain. And joy. And everything in between.

There are ups and downs in life when you’re single, and the only difference when you start committing to love is that the ups and downs get amplified. There’s more to gain and there’s more to lose.

When you get married, for instance, that usually means you have greater potential for financial freedom—but you also have more bills to pay. You have someone to come home to every night to talk to about your day—but you also have to include that person in the discussion, planning, and (sometimes) negotiation over how you spend your time. You experience the joy of loving someone deeply—but you also experience the pain of fighting with—or potentially losing—that very same person.

The list goes on and on.

In short, love does not make us happier. It makes us more alive.

The more we love, the more we live. The greater the range of experiences and emotions, the better able we are to empathize, relate to, and love others—not just with who we choose to commit to, but with all people. As a result, loving relationships have the ability to soften our hearts, smooth out our rough edges, and transform us into our most loving, forgiving, genuine selves.

…if we let them.

And that’s why I bring all of this up in the first place. Because if we learn it now—that being in a relationship isn’t about being happy so much as it is about being fully awake—we might just go about loving one another differently. We might just love one another for the opportunity to grow alongside a best friend—through the good, the bad, the ugly, and the amazing. We might look at the hard stuff differently. We might not run away as easily, get divorced as quickly, or jump in as hastily (before we’re really ready for the amplification of both the good and bad stuff that inevitably happens in life).

And that’s what I’m grateful for.

I’m grateful for the ups and downs. I’m grateful to be waking up. I’m grateful for the happiness and hardship I experienced when I was single. I’m grateful for the even bigger challenges and joys I’m experiencing now in a loving relationship. And I’m grateful in advance for the even wider range of ups and downs I’ll experience in the future as I gain the wisdom and courage to love more people, more fully (maybe even my own kids someday—God help me in their teenage years).

I recently watched and was moved by this interview with Tich Nhat Hanh. At one point during the interview, he says, in reply to Oprah’s question about human suffering, “You cannot grow a lotus on marble. You have to grow it on the mud. Suffering is the kind of mud we must use to grow the flower of understanding and love."

In other words: we cannot have the ups without the downs. The joy doesn’t mean much without the context of hardship and pain.

Our best relationships (starting with the ones we have with ourselves) form out of a deep understanding of and appreciation for life’s inevitable ups and downs. The hard stuff refines us and the happy stuff polishes us.

Ups. Downs. Highs. Lows. Peaks. Troughs. Joy. Pain. Love. Loss. Challenge. Growth. Happiness.

These are the mix of experiences and emotions that make us fully alive—and they happen regardless of our marital status. All of them are important. All of them are the point. All of them blend together all of the time, adding depth and meaning to our beautiful, messy, hard, painful, crazy, wonderful lives.

I’m grateful to live a brave life, full of ups and downs.

Each turn reminds me I am fully alive.

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] Melissa Joy Kong fell in love with media when she was 11-years-old, and has spent the last 15 years passionately uncovering why. She loves telling great stories, and doing work that empowers people to live stories worth telling. She currently leads content strategy at Eventbrite, is the cohost of The Loveumentary podcast, blogs here, and is working on a book about 100 incredible stories of true love in America.

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Don't Be Afraid To Be The One Who Loves The Most

Today I'm grateful to announce that I am officially a published author! My friend, Tyler Ward, author of Marriage Rebranded, has been collecting marriage advice for Millennials, and asked me to contribute. I happily obliged, and now my work is being published alongside some of my heroes, in his book called Marriage Hacks. The following is my contribution. I wanted to share it with you. If you like it, you'll love the rest of the book. Check it out here:

[jbutton color="red" size="large" link="http://books.noisetrade.com/tylerward/marriage-hacks"]Click Here To Download Your Free Book[/jbutton]

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How I Discovered Love Is Not Weakness

On December 11th, 2013 I found myself in a car driving through the back roads of Georgia with a stiff back and weary eyes. I had spent the last two months of my life sleeping on couches, driving from city to city with my friend, Melissa, as we searched the United States for the most passionately in-love couples we could find.

We were nearing the end of our journey, and as always, I had no idea what to expect from the couple we were about to meet. I had no way of knowing I would receive the most important love advice of my life.

When we arrived at Joseph and Anne Gaston’s home, we were treated with 60+ years worth of stories and experiences. They told us how they met and how they fell in love. They recounted the struggles that came with working in the medical field while raising a family, how they had to sacrifice important things so the other could pursue their dreams.

Conversations like this are what I live for—rich in stories, personality, and practical advice. These are the reason I started recording these stories in the first place.

As we were winding down the conversation, we asked the Gastons if they could leave the world with one bit of love advice, what would it be?

Without missing a beat, Anne said,

“Don’t be afraid to be the one who loves the most.”

I felt the air get sucked from my lungs as the power of her words sank in.

I had always been taught that “the person who cares the least always has the most power.” We tell ourselves that not caring—not loving—means we get to dictate the pace of the relationship and the level of commitment. We believe the person who cares the least worries the least, stresses the least, and has the most freedom to do as they please.

We say that loving makes you weak and vulnerable. It makes you a captive in your own relationship, subject to the feelings, moods, and desires of the one you love.

One simple sentence by an 80-year-old woman changed a lifetime of belief for me.

I suddenly realized that love is not weakness. It’s power.

Love is the fuel that makes relationships work. Loving someone more than they love you is not stupid or crazy or foolish. It’s the bravest thing you can do in this life.

True love is given without conditions or expectation of reciprocation. We can love others even when they are imperfect and flawed. We can cherish them, serve them, and forgive them even when they break promises, say unintentionally hurtful things, fall short, or forget.

Love is unfair… and that’s what makes it so amazing and beautiful.

When we aren’t afraid to be the one who loves the most, and we find a partner who is also committed to loving big, we get the experience of receiving love even (and especially) in the moments we least deserve it.

That is what true love is all about. Don’t miss out on true, deep, meaningful, connected love.

Don’t be afraid to be the one who loves the most.

[jbox title="Get The Book!" border="5" radius="15"]Don't forget to check out the book Marriage Hacks with contributions from Gary Chapman, Danny Silk, Gary Thomas, your's truly, and many others.

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How Gratitude Helped Me Find My Way To Monogamy

I never truly believed I’d get married. As a little girl, I dreamed of being the beautiful woman in the ball gown that the Prince chose to dance with at the Cinderella ball.

"That one," he’d say, pointing at me.

I would feign surprise, of course. "Who? Me? No..."

But I wouldn’t really be surprised. After all, if you’re the type of girl who gets chosen by a prince, you probably never doubted your specialness.

Just as often, I dreamed of a line-up of Princes, and getting to take my pick. Given that this was the 80s, my choices were probably Ricky Schroder, Michael Jackson (Thriller-era), the Karate Kid, and maybe Bo from Duke’s of Hazzard. And they were all in love with me.

But I never saw myself having a life with a guy. As I got older and fell in love, I fantasized about spending the night with a man -- a whole night. But I always froze in terror at the idea of waking with bad breath and needing to use the bathroom. No, I thought, I’ll always live on my own. Then I could always go home before morning.

Even as an adult, I could never settle on one guy for long. When I was supposed to be getting into committed relationships, starting around age eighteen, I couldn’t be. I was a monogamy failure from early on, even though I loved being in love. I even loved the intimacy of being with just one guy.

But my eyes and my heart always wandered. I hate to say it, it makes me feel like a terrible person, but it’s true. I wasn’t looking for something better, necessarily. I was looking for someone else to remind me that I was good enough. Looking for yet another prince to point at me, to choose me, to make me valid and real and worthy.

If it sounds to you like I was a profoundly insecure young woman, you’re right. But I fooled everyone around me, including myself. I exuded confidence most of the time. I felt pretty and sexy and desirable... but only for so long. The sense of being good enough always wore off after one guy’s affirmation was no longer shiny and new, and I’d go looking for more.

I started to wonder if I could ever be married, ever have children. After marrying at 21 and divorcing before I was 24, I decided that I would never be a mother. I didn’t want to commit, I didn’t think I was stable enough in a relationship to ever make a home solid enough for kids. And mostly, I didn’t believe in life-long love.

It took a few years after my divorce to really trust a man again. I had a lot to work through before I could be a good long-term partner for somebody. Specifically, my need for external validation from guys and my tendency to develop outlandishly intense crushes needed to be addressed. And let me tell you, that was not an easy road to walk.

I wondered, after talking with friends who were in polyamorous or otherwise open relationships, whether that was who I was. I have come to believe that while being committed to a person is a choice, being poly- or monogamous is probably more of an orientation, like sexuality. Was that my issue? Did I have some sort of innate need for more than one partner? Could I really be honest and forthright with whatever partner I ended up with about my desires for other people? Would I be able to handle them being as open? Most successfully polyamorous couples suggest that rather than being a license to cheat, polyamory takes more commitment to the marriage, more honesty and two very healthy individuals.

In my late twenties, I met my husband, and he was (and still is) the most monogamous human being on the planet. He was also the absolute best partner I could have imagined for myself. Not only was he handsome (and still is), he had a truly optimistic outlook on life. He laughed easily, he thought I was a goddess, and he let me always be in charge of the music in the house or the car. He saw both my intelligence and my beauty, and made me feel I was the smartest person in the room, even though he is probably twice as intelligent as anyone I’ve ever met, myself included.

For him, it was monogamy or bust. The choice after that was easy: The best man I’d ever met vs. the great unknown, dictated by my own insecurities. That was when I fell into gratitude. I knew I had to let my gratitude for love, for the goodness of a true partner, become more important than my fear.

As committed as I thought I was to other guys in my past, I grew into real monogamy late. I’m grateful I was faced with that choice, and I’m grateful that at that one clear-eyed moment I was able to appreciate the value of the man standing in front of me, offering me real, life-long love (not to mention a family).

Once I finally accepted monogamy – not just as a rule I was being forced to live by, but as my own choice both physically and emotionally, I was finally capable of having a profoundly intimate relationship with someone, and to be grateful for what we built together. Others may be able to gain that type of intimacy in poly relationships or while dreaming of someone else, but I wasn’t.

I’m grateful for the strength of my husband, who valued himself enough to say, “This is who I am, this is what I want. Decide if you’re with me.” And I’m grateful that I finally got to a place where I could say, “Yes, I want you. Just you,” and learn to be grateful for the love that exists today, that is real, and that we built together.

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] Joanna Schroeder is the type of working mom who opens her car door and junk spills out all over the ground. She serves as Executive Editor of The Good Men Project and is a freelance writer whose work has appeared on sites like xoJane, hlntv.com, and The Huffington Post. Joanna loves playing with her sons, skateboarding with her husband, and hanging out with friends. Her dream is to someday finish her almost-done novel and get some sleep. Follow her shenanigans on Twitter.

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Choosing Gratitude while Expanding My Comfort Zone

I would not consider myself a writer by any means. I think it’s been about four years since I’ve written something of length that was intended for other people to read. This article is the product of one, Eric Strack, stepping outside of his comfort zone, and choosing to be grateful for the experience. We are always at choice, so why not choose gratitude? Easy, right?!

WRONG!

When my wife, Nicole, asked me if I would like to write about gratitude for the Loveumentary’s 30 Day Gratitude challenge, and said “it might be a great opportunity to start writing...you know...like you said you wanted to...” I was instantaneously...let’s say...unenthusiastic. Scratch that, I was straight up afraid.

I was afraid of how long it might take me to write it, I was afraid of what people reading it might think of me, and I was afraid of looking dumb. I did not hesitate to say “thanks, but no thanks.”

[Spoiler alert: I ended up changing my mind.]

I was just on my way out the door, heading to the gym, when Nicole proposed this “writing about gratitude” thing. The gym is my temple, my happy place. So while plodding along on the elliptical, sweat dripping down my face, my fancy workout boxers running up my leg, I came to a realization: why not choose to see this as an opportunity to do the writing I’ve been saying I want to do, and be grateful for this opportunity as well? What a concept!!

Hold the phone, let’s change gears for a moment, I’d like to tell you a little bit about myself. I dabble in personal growth and am fortunate to have married a self-help guru (check out Nicole’s blog here). Furthermore, I spent most of my life up until now as what I’d call a “spiritual agnostic.” Now I am learning more about myself through personal growth practices, while also contemplating my connection with a higher being, be it God, Spirit, Source, Flying Spaghetti Monster, or whatever you want to call it.

These two, relatively-still-new-to-me, areas of thinking have created a whirlwind of questions in my head. Like a tornado, which is created when hot air smashes into cold air, my new, self-confident, empowering, and spiritual beliefs are clashing with older, science-based, limited beliefs. I am attempting to wade through this storm to really know who I am and where I stand.

One of the most annoyingly hard-to-answer questions for me is about causality. Nicole believes that everything happens for a reason and that the Universe provides exactly what we need (which includes experiences that come in the form of challenges). These are wonderful ideas that I really want to believe 100%...right now I’m at about 90%...and closing the gap every day. That other 10% is holding on to my old belief that we humans are just really good creating connections between things, after the fact.

Old-me (the me that didn’t believe in a higher power) would say that there is a logical, science based answer for everything. For example, finding a $100 bill on the ground is a happy accident...too bad for the other guy who lost it.

New-me believes that: 1) I am always at choice, and 2) the Universe constantly provides for those who are acting for the greater good. Now, with these beliefs, that $100 bill is directly tied to the $100 check I wrote out to one of my favorite charities earlier that day. I now know that the Universe rewards those who are generous, and I choose to be grateful for it. This really happened to me, by the way.

So there I was: faced with the daunting task of writing something about myself and sharing my thoughts with lots and lots of people. Initially, I defaulted to the lingering Old-me way of thinking, and waved the writing off as a random annoyance. It took me going to the gym to come around to New-me, and to CHOOSE to see that this opportunity was placed before me so I could do something new & different, and I am so very grateful to have had this opportunity to share a little snippet of my life with you.

Thank you.

How Gratitude Conquered The Numbness And Gave Me Back My Life

Some time ago, I was asked by a friend to participate in a Gratitude Challenge. As part of this challenge, I was asked to share a personal experience where gratitude had an impact on me and to share how I practice gratitude in my life. It may sound strange to you but I'm grateful for paper cuts.

Actually, I'm grateful for one particular paper cut...

It was in the spring of 2007, and I was traveling with my parents through New England. As a family, we had recently closed a very dark and wintry chapter in our lives and were eager to move forward. The surrounding countryside, positively satiated in springtime flowers, painted the promise of a new beginning.

While visiting a religious building, I fumbled with some informational brochures and accidentally gave myself a paper cut. The sting prompted a word that was—ah—shall we say...inappropriate for the location? (It was a swear word.)

As I covered my finger with a tissue, I was suddenly (and inexplicably) overwhelmed with gratitude—gratitude to be alive.

Six months earlier, I had tried to take my life. In fact, I would have succeeded had my dad not found me and taken me to the hospital. In the weeks leading up to my attempt, I remember one constant feeling: numbness. My entire world had been drained of color and energy. I felt so hollow, so void, and so dead that taking my life seemed like the only escape.

But in the months and years that have followed my suicide attempt, my family and friends rallied around me, offering me support, encouragement, and love. On one of those tedious nights immediately following my discharge from the hospital, I distinctly remember laying in my bed and being impressed with these words: "Seth, there are a lot of things in your life that have gone wrong. Yes, you're in pain. And yes, you have a lot of problems. But there are also a lot of good things in your life—like family, friends, a warm bed, good food, and air to breath. You've spent the past couple of years focusing on all the bad things in your life—and look what it's done to you. Maybe, instead of focusing so much on all of the bad things in your life, you could try to focus on some of the good things—because there are many."

Since that time, I have tried, to the best of my ability, to focus on the positive instead of the negative. Yes, I still struggle with chronic depression—I don't deny that. Yes, things go wrong and I still have bad days. But instead of focusing on what I lack, I focus on what I have. And that shift in focus has made all of the difference in the world. In a curious way, gratitude for life has actually expanded it. Every additional moment of my life, when coupled with gratitude, has only increased the joy and color of my life.

So as I stood there, clutching a throbbing paper cut, I was overcome with gratitude for that pain—because it meant that I was still alive. And later that day, while sitting on a couch with my parents, I reached across and put my hand on my dad's arm.

"Dad," I began. "I just wanted to thank you for saving my life."

My dad gave me a somber look. "I'm grateful I did," he said.

In our darkest moments, it's hard to even think about gratitude. Sometimes, the difficulties of life have a tendency to pull us inward and downward. But I ask you to try and shift your focus outward and upward. Consider your blessings—they are many. Take it from a guy who once hated his life so much that he nearly ended it: life is a beautiful and precious gift.

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] Seth Adam Smith is the author of the book, Your Life Isn't for You: A Selfish Person's Guide to Being Selfless. He is an amazing husband, friend, and he writes regularly on his blogs here and here. You can check out his episode on the Loveumentary where he goes into more detail regarding his story and his marriage with his awesome wife here.

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Nourishment is Gratitude: Feed Yourself Something Beautiful

A sushi spot and a nail salon.

I have two favorite spots in San Francisco that are my go-to, feel-good places to spend a little time in quiet reflection or restoration. It’s nothing fancy or special, but it means a lot to me.

After a long, tireless, thankless workday behind a computer drawing lines in AutoCAD and Photoshop, I’d descend the steps of the late bus back home from work tired, unmotivated, and exhausted. I would be hungry and a bit sad, and the prospect of heading back to my dark apartment alone sounded miserable.

I began to indulge in two practices of self-love almost accidentally. The first was once a week: I’d take myself to a small sushi shop just a few blocks from the bus stop, work bags in tow, and find a quiet spot under the window to sit. I’d take out a paperback book, order the same $12 dinner, and sit and read chapters of my book. It because a ritual of sorts—a treat of taking myself out to dinner just to read my book.

The second space I started frequenting was a whacky hot-pink nail salon run by three ladies who always drawled about how “fabulous” I was. I’d go in to get my nails done—not that I’m a nails-done kind of person—but because the experience of having someone take care of me, wash my feet, and letting me sink into the blissful state of relaxation amongst a massage chair felt so dang good. It didn’t hurt that they would do an additional shoulder rub for $10.

While battling student loans and low wages, I’d shop at the goodwill just to save up money to go to these stores. When I was too broke to spend the money, I’d fill up a big bowl in my apartment with hot soapy water and stick my feet in it and just sit there, quietly, until the water got cold. I did it because it made me feel luxurious.

These nourishment practices aren’t indulgent; they’re restorative. Healing. Filled with elements of self-care. We often overlook ourselves — taking care of everyone else and forgetting that one of our most important jobs is taking care of ourselves. And herein lies one of the paradoxes of gratitude:

In order to nourish yourself, practice gratitude.

In order to practice gratitude, nourish yourself.

We must be whole and healthy in order to do our best service in the world. Gratitude practices, however, help us to become whole and healthy.

Scientific Proof?

Being thankful and grateful affects your health. Lissa Rankin, author of Mind Over Medicine, shares that the scientific evidence is fairly conclusive when it comes to health: “Happy people live up to ten years longer than unhappy people, and optimists have a 77% lower risk of heart disease than pessimists,” she writes.

Sonja Lyubomirsky’s book, The How Of Happiness, sheds light on why this is. While “50% of our propensity for happiness is based on a genetic set point,” the other half is much more malleable—and something we can influence. Ten percent is based on life circumstance, and fully 40% is related to intentional activities and behaviors we cultivate.

What does that mean? “That means that we can be up to 40% happier in our lives without changing our circumstances one bit, and one of the key intentional activities is the practice of gratitude.”

How nourishing yourself is a gratitude practice.

What is nourishment? Nourishment is “food or other substances necessary for growth, health, and good condition.” Just as we wouldn’t expect plants to flourish in dark places devoid of water, humans aren’t meant to be deprived of love and care. Furthermore, the practice of nourishing yourself and taking care of your body and soul is an act of gratitude. It’s gratitude towards yourself, gratitude towards the gift of life, and gratitude for how hard and tirelessly you’re working.

Each of our actions is an opportunity for gratitude—towards ourselves, towards our lives, towards what we value.

Nourishment isn’t just food—although healthy greens, large glasses of water, and steaming cups of hot ginger tea aren’t a bad way to start. It includes feeding your mind with rich words and good ideas; your soul with vibrant love and caring thoughts; connecting to your community, and reaching out to others.

In yoga practices, the act of taking care of yourself begins with the simple, yet extraordinary practice of breathing. Each breath itself is a gift—a nourishing, cleansing, uplifting ritual in and of itself.

A simple practice of gratitude is breathing out a sigh of relief and taking in a deep breathe of healthy, cleansing, delicious oxygen.

Nourishing gratitude also comes in the form of taking five quiet minutes to yourself to reflect or pause. It comes in relieving some of the pressure on yourself. It comes in saying a gentle no to a busy night so that you can tuck into bed earlier. It comes in the form of getting a babysitter for no other reason than to sit on the couch and spend three hours to yourself. It comes in the form of a long, hot, shower. It’s taking yourself to the movies because you want to and you come back a better, more fulfilled person because of it.

Feed yourself something beautiful.

Gratitude is about nourishing ourselves and our communities. Food is nourishment for our body; words are nourishment for our soul. What are you feeding yourself? How are you nourishing yourself?

If it’s food, perhaps it’s a cup of warm soup, a ripe avocado, or a glass of cool, fresh, clean water. Or you nourish your body with an extra serving of healthy greens, or you add an apple to your bag on your way out. Perhaps you steam a hot cup of ginger tea and journal for a few minutes.

Perhaps you pause for a few minutes before you start a task and take ten cleansing breaths and offer up thoughts of gratitude to the space and the world before you begin.

Perhaps you feed your hungry spirit with thirty minutes of down time or restoration time, by getting your nails done (if you’re like me), or stopping by your favorite burrito place with a book and dedicating it to reading time.

You can also feed yourself with words. I have several poems and phrases I pin up on my walls to read and re-read each day. Just reading a poem is enough. That is gratitude. That is grace.

Today, the beautiful practice of gratitude is feeding your self something beautiful.

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"]

Sarah Kathleen Peck is a writer, designer, open water swimmer, and urban nerd.

She teaches digital workshops on writing, storytelling, content strategy, and gratitude. This essay is an excerpt from her class on Grace & Gratitude, a two-week journey into the heart, mind, and soul.

By trade, Sarah specializes in media strategy, content strategy, and getting communications projects from conception to creation. She writes at It Starts With, is a stories-based site about psychology, motivation and human behavior, and her work has been featured on Fast Company, The Huffington Post, 99U, Psychology Today, and more. In her free time, she swims outdoors, teaches yoga, writes books, and teaches yoga.

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