You Fall In Love With The Front of the Dog

It's easy to fall in love with a puppy.

You walk through the door and there's this barking, and tail wagging, and panting, and licking, and excitement.

I love puppies.

Until...

Ok, here's the honest truth (as pointed out by Dr. Scott Stanley). When you fall in love with a puppy, you fall in love with the front end. It doesn't take long for a puppy to pee on the carpet, poop under your bed, or hump your leg to realize they're not all face-melting cuteness, and tummy rubs.

The back end of the puppy requires some effort and maintenance. It requires the occasional cleanup, or the an early-morning walk outside with a plastic bag in hand. Dealing with this side of the dog is not fun.

Yet, when you love a puppy, you're willing to clean up after it, and train it, and nurture it.

If you haven't figured it out yet, this puppy story is an analogy for relationships.

The best couples know how amazing and wonderful and joyful their love has been and will continue to be. At the same time, they recognize that their relationship has a butt that poops.

One of the cool things about relationships is that we create the messes... which means that through the process of cleaning them up, we can learn how to prevent them, or deal with them more effectively and efficiently.

Dynamic couples with mind-blowing love are constantly working on themselves. They're learning how to communicate with kindness and patience, how to inspire their partner to be their best self, and how to fill their life with gratitude, appreciation, passion, and connection.

These couples know that meaningful conversations can happen regularly if they put a little more thought into their questions, and display a little more curiosity towards the life of their partner.

They know that an argument is an opportunity to practice empathy, compassion, kindness and understanding rather than an excuse to be right and win a battle.

These partners know that the only thing that overshadows the joy that comes with accomplishing one of their own personal goals is helping the person they love accomplish their goals.

They are willing to say "no" to great opportunities because they don't align with their core values and goals.

They take responsibility for the messes they create. They apologize. They forgive. They don't hold grudges against their partners or themselves.

Relationships are like puppies. They are amazing, and fun, and can bring you so much joy if you're willing to do a little cleanup.

[jbox title="Show Notes:" border="5" radius="15"] You can read Amber's post about listening to your heart here, or read more of her writings on her website. Follow her on Twitter or Instagram. You can follow Farhad's Instagram here.

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The #1 Reason You Feel Overwhelmed (And How to Solve It)

Every year I pick a word that I use as the theme for my life.

In 2014, my theme was "Integrity." It was amazing to see how my world and my relationships changed as I focused on being a man of my word, and keeping my promises.

In 2015, my theme was "Possibility." My mind was blown as I watched for opportunities to share my passion with the world. I spoke at TEDx Salt Lake City, and Start Conference. I wrote blog posts that were read by hundreds of thousands of people. I have grown Unbox Love - a date-ini-a-box subscription service, made more TV appearances than I can count, had a blast producing new episodes for the podcast, met new friends and traveled the country putting on workshops and supporting people with their relationships.

I thought long and hard about what my theme should be for 2016. It became crystal clear one weekend in San Francisco as I spent some meaningful time with my good friend, author, and inspiring speaker, Smiley. He was just wrapping up the final edits for his second book. The smile on his face said it all.

He was loving life.

As we talked about our work, and his journey, he said something that really stuck with me. "Nate, life is so distracting. For me, writing is all about focus. It's all about saying "no" to the distractions so I can do the work. That means Facebook, meeting friends for lunch, or the unplanned hangout with friends. If I don't stay focused, I won't get the important things done."

His words hit me like a ton of bricks.

As fun as my year of "possibility" was, I could feel my heart and my brain begging me to simplify my life. In exploring so many opportunities, I had filled my plate to overflowing.

I'm reminded of one of a podcast episode with Jackson Dunn. He's the leader of a huge marriage organization. He shared with us a truth that I've repeated over and over to couples all over the country:

The biggest enemy of love is busyness.

We often overcommit ourselves and don't leave any space in their life for cultivating amazing relationships... which we know are the source of lasting happiness in life.

So, it only seems appropriate that if I'm going to devote my year to Focus that I turn to some experts for help.

I made some new friends this week who run a website called An Uncluttered Life.

In the last few years, Warren and Betsy have identified what's truly important to them. They then committed their lives to getting rid of all distractions, and saying "no" to anything that didn't help them achieve what they want.

Their story is incredible, and the life they lead is so inspiring.

So obviously I invited them to do a webinar with me.

If you are the kind of person who feels stressed, or overwhelmed, or like you're spending all your time doing things you don't like with people who aren't important to you, I want you to join us.

If you're ready to commit to a year of "focus"... or even a month of focus, I want you to join us.

Just click here to reserve your spot:

SIGN UP FOR THIS AWESOME WEBINAR!

The Beauty of Building Your Dreams Tother

Life Ends When You Get Married... Right?

Last week I was talking to a good friend of mine who told me she's waiting to cross a bunch of stuff off her bucket list before she gets married.

"You give up a lot of freedom when you get married," she said. "There's still so much I want to do before I settle down."

On the outside I said, "Oh... yeah, I get that."

But on the inside I was SCREAMING!

"NO! You don't get it! Just because most people give up their dreams when they get married doesn't mean you have to! Marriage can mean EVEN MORE adventures and opportunities and awesomeness!"

Here's the deal... most people just don't know how amazing married life can be, because they've never been exposed to someone who has an amazing married life.

They've never seen what life looks like when a husband is the president of his wife's fan club.

They've never seen how amazing a relationship can be when a wife makes her husband's dreams her dreams, and invests in them and him because they have become the most important things in the world to her.

That kid of love exists!

It's amazing... and you can have a taste of it next Thursday when I sit down with Michelle Peterson from the #STAYMARRIED Blog to talk about how amazing it can be to build and live your dreams together as a couple.

It's going to be an inspiring and powerful conversation... and you can join us! Just sign up here:

REGISTER NOW!

How Pearson's Law Can Make You The Most KickA$$ Partner Of All Time

When I was a kid I played the piano. My teacher and my parents forced encouraged me practice every day for 30 minutes.

There were days where I would do everything I could to avoid practice.

My mom once told me I couldn't get up from the piano bench until I was done practicing.

I slept on the bench that night.

But one thing was for sure - when I practiced, I got better.

There were few things that caused more dread and anxiety in my little body than riding my little green Huffy 10-speed to my piano teacher's house with the knowledge that I hadn't practiced that week and that she was going to find out.

She always found out.

But then there were the weeks when I had practiced...

I'd show up to her house with my songs all polished and perfected. Her reaction was always one of satisfaction and pride.

It was often her expectation that I was going to show up prepared every week for our lesson that pushed me to practice, and helped me develop into a pretty great pianist after nearly a decade of lessons.

If You Want To Be Great...

If you want to be great at something - anything really - you only need three things:

1. Set a measurable goal.
2. Consistently measure the goal.
3. Have someone hold you accountable to the goal you're measuring.

This is the magic of Pearson's Law...

That which is measured improves. That which is measured and reported improves exponentially. -Karl Pearson

Just like becoming an incredible musician or athlete, becoming a great lover requires you to set, track, and be held accountable to goals.

Step 1 - Set a Trackable Goal

Pick an area of your relationship in which you know you need improvement. It could be sex, finances, physical affection, compassionate listening, forgiveness, spending meaningful time together, communicating with vulnerability, or anything else you can think of.

Set some measurable goals around this area of your relationship. Here are some examples of good, measurable, actionable goals you can set:

• I will initiate sex "X" number of times per week over the next month.
• I will stop what I'm doing and greet my husband with excitement every time he walks through the door.
• I will mute off or turn off my phone and make eye contact with my wife whenever she's talking to me.
• I will clearly ask for the things I want and need without making myself feel bad about it.
• I will plan a date night every week for the next month.

Step 2 - Track the Goal

Put that shizzle on your calendar!

Keep track!

How many times this week did I unload the dishwasher and take out the trash?

How many days this week did I intentionally flirt with my husband?

Did I express gratitude to my girlfriend every night before going to bed?

Did I open up and tell my boyfriend what I'm thinking and feeling, or am I still hiding my heart from him?

Sit down and analyze whether or not you're taking action. And remember it's ok if you're not perfect! The goal is little bits of improvement day over day. Not a drastic jump from struggle to excellence.

Step 3 - Involve the People You Love!

Involve the people closest to you in your goals. Tell them what you're up to and why. Explain to them the difference you're trying to make.

Here are some examples of how you can have the conversation:

"I want to be a better listener, so I'm setting some goals over the next few weeks. Can you punch me in the arm every time you see me reach for my phone when I'm talking with someone?"

"I want to do better at telling you how much you mean to me. Every night before bed I'm going to start telling you 3 reasons I'm grateful for you. Can you help me remember by asking me the question, 'What's your favorite thing about me today?'"

"I want to experience more intimacy. I know how important sex is to you. It's important to me too. I'm going to start initiating sex more often. What are some things I can do to help you get in the mood?"

Set aside some time every week to analyze how you're doing with your goals.

If you don't know what to work on, start asking your partner every day, "On a scale from 1-10, how good of a partner was I today?" If you weren't a 10, find out which areas need improvement, and work on them tomorrow.

If you don't want to be an average lover you must be committed to constant improvement. Set goals. Track them. Hold yourself accountable. Involve those you love in your growth.

Your relationship will grow exponentially.

The Ultimate Guide to Mastering Romantic Love

How To Become a Master of Love

The most important thing I've learned studying love over the past several years is that love is a skill... and just like any skill, you can master it with the right training and regular practice.

But most people don't know where to go to get the training or what to practice... so they jus try to figure stuff out by themselves, and end up making the same mistakes over and over again. Their relationships are never as great as they could be. They just float around in a state of mediocrity.

You don't want to be the kind of person who has mediocre love (or you wouldn't be reading this)... so, I've put together a list of resources to help you develop the most amazing love skills on the planet! By no means is this list comprehensive. If you have resources you'd like to add, please leave them in the comments.

Mastering The Fundamentals

The first thing you need to tackle when learning a new skill is the fundamentals. Building a strong foundation based on the basics of what makes a relationship work, and love thrive, will make building the rest of your relationship SO much easier.

Anybody ever tell you that relationships take a lot of "work" and "sacrifice"? Well... these books do an incredible job at explaining what this mysterious "work" is and how awesomely fun it can be!

Please note that as a single man, some of the best books I've read have the word "marriage" in them. If you want to prepare for an awesome marriage... read books that people in awesome marriages read.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Every person on the planet who wants to have an amazing long-term relationship should read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. The findings in this book are based on decades of scientific studies performed in John Gottman's Love Lab, so you know the information is based on science and not just conjecture like so many other relationship books.

John Gottman has pinned down the leading causes of breakups, and can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy after watching a couple argue for only a few minutes.

This book is based on science, and decades of studies, but it doesn't read like a text book. It's super approachable. I could see myself in nearly ever chapter. I remember nodding my head and saying, "Ooooooooh! That's why I do that..." or, "Oh crap, no wonder 'x' hasn't been working for me!"

At the end of every chapter is a list of homework and exercises you can do to start strengthening those relationship muscles. You'll learn what you do that contributes to the suffering and downfall of your relationships, and how to turn your weaknesses into strengths.

If this book doesn't make you go "Oooooh, now I get it." Or, "Oh crap, I've been doing this wrong for my whole life!" I don't think there is a relationship book that will.

The New Rules of Marriage

The New Rules of Marriage is so great. Seriously though. So. Great.

The basis of the book is that most people try to create this amazing and idealistic 21st century love using 20th century skills. Kind of like trying to access the internet using a typewriter... it just doesn't work.

So Terry Real outlines the new rules of modern day love that will help you create the type of relationship you want.

It's chocked full of amazing rules that will help you re-think what you're responsible for in your relationships. Suddenly you'll start holding yourself accountable for the right things... which can honestly transform your relationship.

Here are some examples:

Rule: The golden rule of relationship empowerment is: "What can I give you to help you give me what I want?"

Rule: While it is important to tell your partner the difficult truths about your experience of him, it is no less important to share the pleasurable ones.

Rule: You have no right to complain about not getting what you never asked for.

Rule One of the greatest paradoxes of intimacy is that in order to have a healthy, passionate relationship, you must be willing to risk it.

Terrance Real is like that uncle that always wants to give you advice... except his advice is amazing, and often funny, and inspiring, and will help you be an amazing lover and partner. I refer back to this book almost weekly.

The Five Love Languages

I feel like I'd get crucified if I didn't include this book on the list.

The Five Love Languages book is a lot like being vegan or doing CrossFit. People who have read this book can't help but talk about it like it's the end-all-be-all of relationship advice. I think we all have a friend who says things like, "Oh... sounds like her language is Words of Affirmation." Or, "Oh, I'm a Physical Touch person."

I love the book. It has a great message. It's approachable and understandable. The author, Gary Chapman, is a great dude, and one of my favorite guests on the podcast.

The only problem I have with this book isn't even about the book itself. It's with the people who read it. This book is just a very very small sampling of what it takes to create dynamic, lasting, passionate, connected love. It doesn't delve very deeply into the overall fundamentals of love.

If you'll allow me to make a sports analogy: A couple practicing the Love Languages is a lot like a basketball player practicing layups. It's an important element of the game... an element that, if not mastered, can really hurt your chances at winning. But there are also SO many other skills to develop, like passing, dribbling, perimeter shooting, free-throws, defense etc.

Read this book. It's great! But please please please don't let it be the only thing you think you need to read to be a great partner.

Also, just a heads up, this book is very Christian based. (Not a bad thing, but I thought I'd let you know in case it isn't your cup of tea.)

Daring Greatly

Daring Greatly isn't a book written specifically about romantic love... but it's a great book for those of us who struggle letting down our guard, allowing ourselves to be truly seen, or feeling like we need to be perfect all the time in order to be worthy of love and acceptance from others.

I think I cried reading this book.

It helped me understand that the most courageous thing we can do is often to show other the things that scare us the most:

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness. - Brené Brown

If you want a tease about what the book is all about, I recommend checking out Brené Brown's TED talks, The Power of Vulnerability, and Listening to Shame. The book is written in the same conversational tone with which she speaks.

Read it. It will make you a better, and more compassionate, empathetic, and kind person... and those are the qualities that create the mortar for the foundation of your love.

The Mastery of Love

This book is incredible. Don Miguel Ruiz is often recognized for his book, The Four Agreements... but I think The Mastery of Love is by far his best work.

This book is crammed full of inspiring parables, lessons, and messages that will transform the way you relate to yourself, and the way you understand love.

One of my favorite lessons from this book is where Ruiz compares the way we love our animals to the way we love each other. I'll paraphrase the teaching:

You don't get a cat and then get mad at it for not barking, or wagging its tail, or wanting to play fetch with you. That would be ridiculous. We love our cat for being a cat. We love our dog for being a dog. So, then... why do we insist on saying we "love" someone, while simultaneously trying to turn them into something they are not. This is not love. If you can't accept someone for exactly who they are, you do not love them.

*brain-splosion*

This book is great for understanding the philosophy and concepts of love, and how you've probably had it all wrong your entire life.

Read it.

For Men

Women purchase 74% of the books in the relationship and family category. There's a real imbalance of women willing to educate and prepare themselves for relationships compared to men.

Yet an emotionally intelligent man who is willing to learn, communicate, invest, and grow in his relationship is clutch when trying to create legendary love.

Here are two of my favorite books that have helped make me a better man:

No More Mr. Nice Guy

There's a huge difference between a "Good Guy" and a "Nice Guy."

Nice guys tell people what they want to hear. Good guys tell people what they need to hear.

Nice guys seek approval. Good guys seek the truth.

Nice guys make friends. Good guys make a difference.

Nice guys care about their reputation and what others think of them. They'll often lie or manipulate the truth to save face.

Good guys care about integrity, honoring their word, and being held accountable to the things they say they will do... even if it sometimes hurts others.

For the majority of my life I was a Nice Guy... and I didn't even know it. And my Niceness was a giant wall standing between me and connecting with the women I tried to date.

Reading No More Mr. Nice Guy completely leveled my ego, and exposed me to how ugly and destructive the nice guy mentality is.

If you are the kind of guy who is constantly asking, "Why do women only date jerks?" Or maybe you feel like nothing ever goes your way, or that the odds are always stacked against you, or that you never get what you deserve... then this book is for you.

It will get you out of the most ugly negative cycle a guy can get stuck in.

The Way of the Superior Man

The Way of the Superior Man is a book that is not for everybody... especially if you haven't spent much time or done much work in the personal development space.

It's a little "woo woo," but when read with the right context, it's an incredibly powerful and insightful guide to mastering your spirituality and sexuality as a man.

As one Amazon reviewer says, "There is a desirable middle ground between being a timid wuss of a man-boy, and being a knuckle-dragging, chauvinistic thug; the whole book attempts to be a manual on how to become that middle ground."

It is a lot more graphic than No More Mr. Nice Guy (which is why I recommended that book before this one), but for the man who is prepared to read TWofSM, it can be a transformative, inspiring, and even life-changing read.

If you want to become more familiar with what it could look like to really step into your identity as a man. Or if you want to explore the idea of what a "manliness" is in the 21st century, this is a book you'll want to check out.

For Women

If I'm honest, publishing this section makes me really nervous.

I'm not a woman, and I don't want to appear to speak on behalf of women. Ladies, you can take my advice here with a grain of salt. Based off of my experience, these are some of the resources that I've consumed that made me go, "Oh yeah, that makes sense." or information that made me feel more understood as a man.

If you've read something that you'd like to recommend, I'd love for you to leave it in the comments. This list will probably grow and change with time.

The Surrendered Wife

Before you jump to conclusions about The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle, let me just provide some context.

First of all, Laura is great at creating sensationalized and controversial book titles that lead to passionate conversations.

Second of all, this is not a chauvinistic book about how women need to be submissive and docile for their husbands.

The underlying message of this book is that women are the gatekeepers to intimacy in a relationship. If there is a lack of emotional, physical, or spiritual intimacy in the relationship, there are a lot of things a woman can be responsible for (not to imply there isn't a lot a man can be responsible for as well).

One of the most powerful things a woman can do to transform her relationship is to surrender unnecessary control over her husband and the relationship, and take ownership for the things she is responsible for.

It might ruffle some feathers, but that's not always a bad thing.

Sex, Passion, and Infidelity

For many of us, sex is easily one of the more difficult topics to talk about... but it's also one of the leading causes of relationship discontent.

Sex, sexuality, desire and passion can be really complex things to navigate in a relationship. Aside from the shame surrounding sex that exists for many people, I think one of the reasons sex is often difficult to navigate is that we often don't completely understand the biology, or sociology, or psychology behind sexual attraction, performance, and desire.

The following books and resources will give you a window inside yourself, your partner, and your relationship with all things sex. Remember! The more you know, the easier it is to identify where you are so you can figure out where you want to be.

Mating in Captivity

Esther Perel is one of my personal heroes. She has spent the better part of her career studying why people cheat, and how to maintain desire in a long-term relationship.

If you haven't seen her TED talks, The Secret To Desire in a Long-Term Relationship, or Rethinking Infidelity, a Talk For Everyone Who Has Ever Loved, you absolutely must.  They are wonderfully compelling, insightful, and informative.

One of my favorite points in Esther Perel's message is that you cannot desire that which you possess. Kind of like when I really wanted to own a Nintendo as a kid. The anticipation and longing for it was almost off the charts... then a few weeks after getting it for Christmas it kind of became a part of regular life. The excitement dissipated over time.

Similarly, if we approach our relationship with the idea that we somehow own, or possess our partner, the novelty of desire, and the tension of wanting can wane and even completely disappear. In her book, Perel explains how to change your mindset away from the idea of "ownership" and more towards "choice."

It's scary to think that your partner could choose leave you at any time... but in a sense, that fear of loss also creates a consistent desire to satisfy, impress, or win the approval of the one you love.

She explains it much better, I promise. So please check it out!

Not "Just Friends"

I have learned more surprising things from Not "Just Friends" than any other relationship book I've read in a long time. The book is all about infidelity... how to prevent it, and how to deal with the emotional outfall, and rebuilt trust and recover your sanity if it does happen.

Here is just a teaser of some of the stuff that blew my mind in just the introduction of the book:

At least one or both parties in 50 percent of all couples, married and living together, straight and gay, will break their vows of sexual or emotional exclusivity during the lifetime of their relationship.

What?! For real?

I mean... if that statistic is true, and you've never been taught how to create appropriate boundaries, or cope emotionally when there's unfaithfulness in your relationship... well... no wonder the divorce rate is so high.

Oh, and here's another huge one that blew my mind:

Most people mistakenly think it is possible to prevent affairs by being loving and dedicated to one's partner.... simply being a loving partner does not ensure your marriage against affairs. You also have to exercise awareness of the appropriate boundaries at work and in your friendships.

Everyone should read this book. It will help you realize just how harmful infidelity can be, create a plan so that it never happens to you, feel less crazy if you've been cheated on, and even recover if you're in the midst of it.

It's been a really healing book for me to read.

She Comes First

I haven't actually read this book, but it's next on my list. I'll update this review after I read it.

The reason this book is important is because the process that leads to arousal and eventually orgasm for men and for women are completely different. Like... so so different.

"How to Pleasure a Woman" is not typically a conversation that is found in the Standard Parenting Manual. For most of us, sex is a lot like learning to swim the hard way. We just get thrown in the deep end of the pool under the assumption that we'll figure it out. But when all you have to draw from is your own experience with your own body, and your body is nothing like that of your partner, well... a little help is warranted.

(Consider this: Studies show the average woman takes about 20 minutes to reach her first orgasm during a typical sex session, while men take a mere four minutes.)

That's where She Comes First comes in. It's the guide to pleasuring a woman that you never wanted to get from your parents... and it dispels a lot of myths and can help you really step up your sexual game. Your lady will thank you.

Sex at Dawn

Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships challenges much of the conventional wisdom about sex. By studying the origins of sex in human history, the authors call into question many of the commonly held beliefs surrounding sex, monogamy, marriage, and family.

Even though you may not agree that the way sex, and marriage, and monogamy were viewed in the past, this book will at least give you some insights into your biology, your history, and it might give you some context for any desires you might have that exist outside your current set of values or beliefs.

This is more of an educational and informative book exploring the history of sexuality and how that history affects the present day.

It's super fascinating, and an interesting read, but might be outside the comfort zone of the more conservative reader... but I think everyone should give it a chance.

Codependent No More

Codependent No More is a book about boundaries.

I love the topic of boundaries, because it's something most of us know very little about.

Boundaries are essentially what keep us safe in our relationships, and allow us to thrive and have tons of fun. Without boundaries we often put ourselves in position to get hurt, taken advantage of, or we feel awkward because we don't know how to behave in a given set of circumstances.

Melody Beattie wrote this book specifically about setting boundaries to prevent abuse within a relationship where addiction is present... but the principles apply regardless of whether you have an alcoholic spouse, or if you just see yourself as someone who has a hard time saying, "no." Or if you're the type of person who always puts the needs of others before your own physically, spiritually, emotionally, or in any other aspect of life you can think of.

Do yourself a favor and check out this book. You'll keep yourself safe, keep other safe, have a lot more energy and resources to dedicate to creating epic love.

Podcasts

The Loveumentary

Obviously I have a bit of a bias here, but if you haven't listened to The Loveumentary podcast yet, it's really one of my favorite things. I'm really proud of it.

I've traveled all over the country and interviewed couples from all walks of life who are madly in love with each other. I've talked to love experts, therapists, authors, and scientists.

These conversations have changed my life. I hope you love them too.

I'd recommend you start out by listening to Ty and Terri's story. Here's part 1 and part 2.

I'd love it if you'd subscribe! You can listen on iTunes (I'd love it if you'd leave a review), or Soundcloud, or the website.

#StayMarried

Friends of The Loveumentary, Michelle and Tony, share hope, stories, and resources for couples who want to stay married. Most of the episodes are based on The Gottman Institute's 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work... the number one book on my list.

These episodes are short and bite-sized, fun, and informative. A great podcast to check out if you only have a few minutes... not to mention their website is chocked full of amazing content... and I'm supremely jealous of the design.

Click here to stream their awesome episodes from the #StayMarried website, and click here to subscribe on iTunes.

One Extraordinary Marriage

I haven't listened to a TON of these episodes, but the one's I've listened to I enjoy. Some of that enjoyment may stem from the fact that I just love sitting down with couples who are willing to be honest and vulnerable about what's going on in their lives, how they handle the struggles, and how they celebrate the wins.

Tony and Alisa have been married for 17 years, and in that time have dealt with Tony's 18-year addiction to porn, the loss of a child at 18 weeks, debt in excess of $50k, poor communication, lack of mutual interests, and questioning trust... and on the podcast they talk about how they've handled all of this together as a couple. It's pretty cool.

Click here to visit their website, or here to subscribe on iTunes.

The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm is a podcast directed towards men. They all sorts of subjects including dating, career success, developing social confidence, and a bunch of other awesome stuff.

One of my favorite podcast episodes in the history of ever is from this podcast. It's a conversation with the incredible Esther Perel. The conversation talks a lot about how we've put such a significant emphasis on the progress and growth of women in the last 5 decades, and we've kind of neglected the growth and evolution of men... particularly in the department of emotions.

It's super insightful and helped me understand a lot of the issues we face in modern day relationships, as well as how we can help men find more purpose as a man in this crazy world.

Argue Naked! And Other Epic Love Strategies...

Just Say "NO!" to Mediocre Love!

If you've been following The Loveumentary for any amount of time, you know that I'm fascinated with extraordinary relationships.

I love the amazing outliers of love. The couples who are doing what the rest of the world seem unable to grasp.

I love them because not only does their existence prove that mind-blowing love is possible, but I believe if we surround ourselves with these couples, study them, and learn from them, extraordinary love can be accessible to every one of us!

I'm inspired by the idea of living in a society that stops reading all of the trendy self-help books and articles that talk about cherishing relationships and experiences over things, and instead starts living it.

I am stoked for the day when the quality of your love is no longer measured by how long a couple has been together, but the connection, passion, and joy a couple creates together, and the impact they have on their community.

I hope you enjoy watching this TEDx talk. A lot of love, effort, and thought went into it.

If you enjoy it, please share it.

Man Sings Love Song to Wife On Death Bed

Just in case you forgot what love is about... just in case you forgot what you're fighting for... just in case you need a little inspiration.

How many times do you think he's sung this song to her?

How does must it feel to have your love be so engrained in your life that it's the only thing that feels familiar as your body and your mind degrade and fall to pieces?

This is what it's all about...

An Open Letter to Ty and Terri

Dear Ty and Terri, As I write this there are tears streaming down my face.

My heart hurts.

I want to throw up.

Life can be so cruel to rob us of those we love so suddenly when we are not ready to see them go.

I need you and those you love to know that your love, and your story are a pillar of The Loveumentary community. Thousands of people have listened to the recordings we created in your dining room as you opened up and shared your love for each other, the struggles you've faced and overcome, and your hope for all of us.

Those few hours Melissa and I got to spend with you changed the both of us. It rocked our worlds. It opened our eyes. It was made the nearly 3 months of endless travel and exhaustion and planning so so worth it.

Learning that people like you exist gave me a higher purpose. It raised the bar I held for myself.

The love you have for each other changed people in the most incredible and profound way.

Thank you for being an example of hope, of possibility, of compassion, of kindness, of understanding, of humor, and especially of love.

I texted you a month ago to tell you how much I love you. I ended that text with the sentence, "The world needs more people like you in it."

What a shame that we have been robbed when we so desperately need you here.

Please know that there are thousands of us that feel indebted to you and are committed to attempting to fill your incredibly big shoes, and advance the message of hope and love that you so valiantly and unashamedly stood for and continue to stand for.

The world still needs more people like you in it.

To Ty and Terri's family and friends, The Loveumentary community loves you and mourns with you. Please know that your parents and friends were so so loved, and left an immeasurable impact on so many lives including my own.

With love... and hope,

-Nate

If you want to listen to Ty and Terri's amazing interview, you can do so here:

Part 1:

Part 2:

The Real Reasons Milennials Are Afraid of Marriage

My name is Nate, and I’m a millennial… oh, and I’m also super single. But here’s the deal, I’m not running away from marriage. I’ve actually spent the last 3 years researching, studying and preparing for it!

I’ve talked to hundreds of happily married couples about what goes into creating amazing, lasting, passionate, connected love. I’ve interviewed best-selling authors, therapists and coaches on the topic of love.

It’s been an amazing journey.

The reason I’ve done all this work and research is to better prepare myself for the love I one day hope to have.

One of my favorite things about doing this work is that it sparks countless conversations with other single millennials. We’re constantly talking about what they want out of relationships, and what they’re doing to create the love of their dreams.

We talk about how and where we might meet our future spouse. We talk about the superficiality of Tinder as we swipe left to anyone who doesn’t meet our ideal physical qualifications. We talk about our worries and concerns when it comes to love, and what we’re doing or not doing to prepare for it.

The fear and reservation surrounding marriage is very real and very present. I know it’s there, because I often experience it myself.

I believe fear is the primary factor that keeps us from getting married. Meanwhile, our the news hassle us, parents beg us for grandbabies, and peers urge us to just get out there and meet someone as if finding 21st century love was as easy as going to the grocery store to pick up a bottle of coconut water.

Their loving encouragement does nothing to assuage our very valid fears. Sometimes it makes it even worse, if I’m going to be honest.

Where do these fears come from? I believe most of them can be traced back to one source…

Lack of preparation.

We Are Unprepared To Have Realistic Expectations

We are the first generation to be raised on a steady diet of Disney Princesses and Reality TV. We’ve been spoon-fed a lifetime of extreme and incredibly unrealistic examples of what love is supposed to look like.

In one camp you have these glamorized fantasy stories of Prince Charming riding in at the last minute to slay the dragon, destroy the evil witch, or deliver the kiss-of-life to the damsel in distress.

In the other camp, you have the Kim Kardashians, Tiger Woods, Chris Browns, and Charlie Sheens of the world. Anytime you turn on the TV, or even check out at the grocery store, you’re bombarded with stories of infidelity, divorce, abuse, and disintegrating relationships as if it were just part of regular, everyday life.

Now, allow me to make some overbroad generalizations (that may ruffle some feathers) to make a point...

It’s no wonder we have a generation of powerful, independent women who secretly fantasize about a man swooping in to rescue them while simultaneously declaring they do not need a man!

They’ve been taught the only person they can rely on is themselves. Yet they’ve also been shown for decades that men are the answer… but they are also the problem.

On the flip side, we have a generation of men who feel the expectation of being perfect Prince Charming. They carry the shame of their hidden flaws with them. They want to be the one to swoop in and save the damsel, but she insists that she has everything under control and she can take care of herself.

When saving the damsel becomes unrealistic, men turn to other alternatives to create the princely satisfaction of conquering an evil foe, or saving a princess. They become champions of sports, video games, gambling and porn. Then they get labeled as losers and glorified adolescents who need to “man up.”

The majority of singles still say they want to be married. I believe the first step to creating the epic marriages we so desperately want is to let go of the hyper sensationalized expectations we’ve created around love - both negative and positive.

Your love will rarely be as good as a Disney movie or as horrible as a celebrity scandal.

Most of the time it’s somewhere in between.

We Aren’t Prepared To Have Hard Conversations

Relationships are always a ton of fun at the beginning when you’re brain is flooded with pleasure chemicals, and you haven’t experienced any of your partner’s flaws.

But at some point, that state of limerence will fade, and you’ll end up having to deal with some sort of conflict or disagreement.

You’ll have a bad day, or say something that hurts your partner. Their ex will come back into their life, or their parents will express concerns about you.

You’ll have an argument.

Then the questions start percolating.

“Is this really as good as it gets?”

“Am I with the right person?”

“Why are we fighting? We wouldn’t be fighting if this was right…”

Most of us have never been prepared to expect - let alone deal with the normal conflict that surfaces in even the best relationships.

We’ve either seen our parents fight growing up, and thought, “My marriage will never be like that.” Or we’ve never seen our parents fight which has created a false expectation that love and conflict cannot coexist.

Either way, conflict can be a really scary thing that gives us doubts and worries about the future of our love life.

It was very reassuring when I read the study done by the Gottman Institute that states that 69% of conflict in a romantic relationship is unresolvable.

I realized that conflict is normal.

And not only is conflict normal, but dealing with it can be a really positive experience when we use the right tools and principles.

If you want to learn some incredible skills to help you deal with conflict in your relationships, read the book The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work.

We Haven’t Been Prepared To Make Big Choices

Dating is much different now than it was 20 years ago.

Before the late 90’s, singles weren’t crippled with The Paradox of Choice -- the theory that an abundance of choice leaves us feeling paralyzed and dissatisfied rather than free and happy.

Social Media and Online Dating have exposed us to thousands of potential mates at the flick of a finger.

That kind of choice create a perfect storm of “what if” scenarios that make choosing just one person nearly impossible.

The moment you find someone who fits your expectations, the question begins to tickle in the back of your brain… what if I find someone who is a little more attractive, wealthy, funny, tall, short, kind, interesting, ambitious, athletic, etc.?

As Barry Schwartz, author of the book The Paradox of Choice says, “Learning to choose is hard. Learning to choose well is harder. And learning to choose well in a world of unlimited possibilities is harder still, perhaps too hard.”

I’m constantly asked the question, “How do I know he (or she) is the ‘right’ one?”

The best answer to that question is, “What make someone 'right'?”

I would argue, that someone is “right” for you not when they are the most attractive, wealthy, funny, intelligent, or compatible person you’ve been with.

What makes someone “right” is simply the fact that you choose them.

The cold hard truth is that there will always be someone out there who is a little better for you than your partner in one way or another. You will be attracted to other people, even after you get married.

What separates all of the other options from the “right” one is that the “right” one is the one you choose day after day, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, in good times and bad until the day you die.

It’s as simple and difficult as that.

Schwartz argues that making the choice and sticking to it can actually be psychologically easier if we are just willing take the leap:

“Keeping [our] options open seems to extract a psychological price. When we can change our minds, apparently we do less psychological work to justify the decision we’ve made, reinforcing the chosen alternative and disparaging the rejected ones.”

If you are struggling with the paradox of choice -- if you’re going on lots of first dates and very few 2nd dates, or spending a lot of time on Tinder, OKCupid, or other dating sites -- a great resource for you would be Barry Schwartz’s book, The Paradox of Choice or his accompanying TED talk.

We Haven’t Prepared Ourselves By Dealing With Our Baggage

Regardless of who you are or how you’ve been raised, you come into a relationship with a set of expectations, experiences, fears, habits, mannerisms, attitudes, personal narratives, desires, and even a vocabulary that is very different than that of your partner.

These differences are what constitute your baggage, and just like the airport, it’s your job to be responsible for your baggage!

If you have daddy issues, commitment issues, fears of abandonment, difficulty trusting, low self-worth, a short temper, an addictive personality, mental or emotional health issues, irresponsible spending habits, issues with constant complaining or negativity, a superiority complex, or any other issue that might being in a relationship more difficult, it’s your responsibility to begin working on those things now.

Do not wait till you’re in a committed relationship to start addressing your baggage.

Making your partner responsible for your baggage is not love. It is selfishness.

I’m not saying that having baggage disqualifies you from having love. That’s just not true. We all have baggage that we need to deal with.

I am saying that your baggage is your responsibility.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been raised by people who constantly told you, “You’re special and wonderful! You can be, do, and have anything you want!”

While well-meaning, this belief can also create an attitude of entitlement, and promote a lack of personal responsibility.

If you want help identifying, or learning how to deal with your baggage a great resource is the book, The New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real. This book will change you. I promise.

We Are Unprepared Because of Lack of Mentors and Community

I strongly believe that you learn to love the same way you learn to speak -- through the examples, culture and role models you have access to.

Millennials were raised by the Baby Boomer generation… the generation with the highest divorce rate of all time. Combine that with the unrealistic Disney movie expectations and the hot mess that is Hollywood romance that we talked about earlier, and it’s no wonder we have no clue what we’re doing.

At bachelor parties, married guys give advice to the single guys to have fun while you can, because once you’re married, the fun ends, the sex stops, the flannel PJs come out, and Netflix marathons become the norm.

My girlfriends go to bachelorette parties and bridal showers where married women complain about their emotionally insensitive husbands who would rather look at porn or spend an extra 4 hours at the office every day than come home to spend meaningful time with their wives.

This kind of talk and behavior is gross.

It enrages me.

Because I know there is another way.

Beautiful, inspiring, fulfilling, connected, passionate marriages exist!

There are emotionally intelligent husbands who can’t wait to get home to their loving wives!

There are kind, appreciative wives who love and admire and dote on their husbands!

There are people who have been married for decades who still can’t keep their hands off each other!

There are couples who never run out of things to say or experience together!

I’ve seen them!

My generation will not lose their fear of marriage until these amazing couples start advocating for marriage more loudly than the marriage defectors argue against it.

We need those who have extraordinary marriages to stand up and let their voices be heard!

I often fantasize of being part of a community where marriage and commitment are celebrated and enjoyed as the norm.

I yearn for a day when married men pull single men aside just to tell them how amazing their wives are, and how much they love being married.

I would cry tears of joy if it became the standard practice for married women to gush to their girlfriends with genuine appreciation for their dedicated and loyal husbands.

If you want your kids to get married, create a marriage worth celebrating, and celebrate it!

If you want some incredible stories of people who are doing this very thing -- the people who have created incredible, lasting love -- check out The Loveumentary Podcast.

If you are prepared, you will not fear.

At the beginning of this article, I said that the current generation avoids marriage because of fear.

The greatest tool for defeating fear is preparation.

Real love exists. It’s possible. It’s even realistic… but you’ll never have it if you don’t prepare yourself and develop develop the skills required to create it.

Amazing love is not just a random anomaly. It goes to those who are relentlessly committed to the effort and practice required to create it.

If you’re prepared, you will not fear.

The Miracle of US

A few weeks ago I was invited to spend the weekend at a friend's cabin. It was such an amazing weekend. I got to meet some incredible people... one of whom - her name is Megan - wrote this song. The first time I listened to it, it gave me the chills and brought tears to my eyes.

I asked her if I could share it with you. She graciously agreed.

Please enjoy the most hopeful love song I've heard in probably ever:

THE MIRACLE OF US - LYRICS

Once upon another time Boy believed That God is kind With his dreams

Dark powers aligned And left those worlds behind Put them aside Those guardians of light

But dreams wouldn’t die Dreaming doesn’t die

They tell him that he’ll survive There’s magic inside Tell him that God is kind And needs him to try

To give up his fear now And learn how to trust And hope for the miracle of us

All of that time Girl was strong and wild and Free and unafraid To simply just believe

That someday she’d find The boy with dreams so wide

But heartaches collide And storms arise Seems that life’s unkind When joy is a surprise

But wild hopes don’t die Wild hopes don’t die

They tell her that she’ll survive Tell her she’ll heal in time Tell her that he’s alive And needs her to thrive

And don’t give up hope now And learn how to trust Believe in the miracle of us

Sometimes things go wrong And hearts can hurt for way too long Others come along To remind us that there is a bright

Dawn and now it’s breaking And light is all around Even though we’re aching There’s truth that we’ve found

We’ve more than just survived This dark and glorious night On this day that we combine The rest of our lives

And when we see the dark again We’ll tell them it’s just A chance to show the miracle that’s us

Ashes to ashes And dust to dust Remember the miracle of us