Episode 24 - Women. Religion. And Sexuality.

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Religions Preach Virtue... But Do They Do It Right?

Most religions throughout the world ask their members to follow a model of sexual purity. The rules and consequences vary in their intensity from church to church, but I believe the overall intention is typically good and pure. However, anything - including good things - if taken to an extreme can be damaging.

Self-confidence if taken to an extreme can become self-absorption. An optimist can quickly become unrealistic. Loyalty can become blindness. Honesty can become rudeness. Courage can become recklessness.

Virtue and chastity, if taken to an extreme, also possess a dark side. When sexual purity is celebrated, sexuality tends to become demonized. Sex, and even feelings of pleasure, begin to be associated with extreme feelings of guilt and shame. People develop a fear of their own bodies.

Misperceptions of Virtue = Bad Sex

Unintentionally, we create a culture of unhealthy sexual beings. Religious individuals get married and are so scared of sexual arousal that they don't have sex for weeks or even months. Or, when they do have sex, it's associated with guilt and feelings of evil and darkness.

Many couples never have good, enjoyable sex because they never explored their own bodies to understand what makes them feel good. Nor do they feel they have a right to feel good. Sexual pleasure has been portrayed as something evil.

How sad that something so beautiful, and intimate - when taken to an extreme - can tear an otherwise healthy relationship apart.

What Sex Should Be

Sex should be something that brings couples together. It is the ultimate act of unity. It is foundation of the creation of family, and the most physical manifestation of love and vulnerability.

Good sex requires work, communication, openness, selflessness, and a willingness to be in the moment and experience pleasure.

If religious-types want to raise informed and sexually healthy individuals (which I believe most do), it might be time to reframe some of the ways we teach virtue and chastity.

The following is a great start, developed by Kristin Hodson and Alisha Worthington, the guests on today's podcast. If you want to learn more about the BE HEALTHY process, and hear a bit more about how to find a healthy sexual balance for yourself, check out the podcast (at the top of the screen).

BE HEALTHY

Balance intimacy (physical, spiritual, emotional, sexual – pyramid)

Embrace your growth edge (based on trust and Risk not safety) Have realistic expectations on range of experiences (how sex is like dining, good enough sex) Engaging your partner (being deliberate, increase the eros, flirt, desire to desire) Authenticity (be present in your sex—emotions, sensations - wanting to known and be known as you/they are) Learn how your body works and your partners (this also includes knowing your sexual history) Take time and treat it like a skill (schedule it – make it matter) Have conversation and negotiate You know best (sexual agent - trust your experience, not looking to other sources to be experts on you)

[jbox title="Show Notes:" border="5" radius="15"] Thanks for listening! Remember, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and get them delivered for free on a weekly basis!

Here are some of the resources we talked about in the podcast today. If you want to learn more about finding a balance between virtue and sexuality, this is a great place to start.

Real Intimacy: A Couple's Guide to Healthy Genuine Sexuality was written by today's podcast guests, Kristin Hodson and Alisha Worthington. Check out their website, The Healing Group, for counseling, support and hope.

The Danger in Demonizing Male Sexuality, by Alyssa Royse discusses how the current "predator/prey" model of sexual relationships is harmful to both men and women alike.

The Secret To Desire In A Long-Term Relationship is a TED Talk by Esther Perel that talks about the conflicting needs within a healthy sexual relationship. The need for security and the need for surprise. The need predictability and the need for spontaneity. The need for independence and the need for vulnerability and closeness. Communication is key to a healthy sexy life.

Sex Workshop: Click the banner below for information on Kristin and Alisha's sex workshop for women: [/jbox]

When Love Arrives... What Will You Do?

Sarah Kaye and Phil Kaye wrote and performed this poem about the expectations and realities of love. They beautifully describe the evolution of love, our shifting and maturing expectations, and our attitude towards love found... and lost. It's a beautiful piece. You will be better for watching it.

Episode 23 - Addiction

[powerpress]I hope this podcast episode can help you put addiction into perspective. We must change the way we talk about it if we want people to get the help they deserve and desperately need.

What Is Addiction?

Whenever I hear the word "Addiction" I think of a junkie in the back of a dark alley shooting up, or an angry, violent husband who beats his wife, or a college student blacked out in a puddle of his own vomit.

And yes, addiction is all those things... but it's not solely confined to those extremes. Addiction is a much more intricate, widespread, and personal issue than it is often portrayed.

Essentially an addiction is an unnatural compulsion or dependency on a substance or action.

One of the most widely-accepted myths regarding addiction is that it functions like a light switch. You're not addicted until you cross some ambiguous moral line, and then suddenly you find yourself on an episode of "Intervention." Suddenly, you're addicted.

Addiction is not binary. It is spectral.

Just like cancer, addiction can be mild or very extreme. The right treatment depends on the severity in each individual case.

Addiction is not always debilitating. You can be addicted to alcohol without blacking out in a bathroom stall every weekend. You can be addicted to porn and only consume it once every few weeks. You can even be addicted to love, or kindness if you're using it as an emotional escape, or a coping mechanism to avoid your reality. (Don't believe me? Listen to the podcast above.)

Addiction Is A Disease

Addiction is a disease of the mind just like diabetes or cancer is a disease of the body. All too often, those affected by addiction see it as a harmful decision that just needs to be stopped with the simple choice to "not do it anymore." It's similar to blaming a cancer patient for not wearing sun screen. At this point, you can't un-choose something. You have the disease. The only cure is proper treatment.

The best way to deal with addiction is to avoid blame and accusation. Instead, we need to promote education, empathy, love, and understanding. Otherwise, addiction will terrorize our relationships, and leave them an empty shell of what they had the potential to become.

Twelve-step programs are an amazing resource for those with addictions and those people who are affected by addicts.

Addiction affects us all.. and together is the only way we'll overcome it.

[jbox title="Show Notes:" border="5" radius="15"] Here are several books recommended by James: A portion of the purchase of any of these books via these links goes directly to support The Loveumentary.

Click here if you'd like to contact James.

If you're living in Utah, USARA is a great resource for recovery. If you live outside Utah, and would like to add any resources to this section, just leave them in the comments. I'll do my best to create a list here. [/jbox]

Music Monday - Bon Iver

Because more tragically heartfelt and beautiful music there never was:

This Week In Love - Test of Time

This week we're bringing you a collection of stories that deal with enduring... more like enjoying the test of time together. There are a few stories in here that are tear-jerkers in the very best way. You have been warned. Now go make some memories!

1. Enduring Love

This couple has learned to support each other throughout the years despite having to endure extreme physical adversity. Warning: Do not watch this video if you aren't ok with shedding some tears.

2. What Happened When I Had Sex Every Day For a Year

When a relationship has a fantastic sex life, it adds that extra little silver lining to even the smallest moments of life. But when the sex life is suffering, it can reverberate negativity, induce insecurity, spread doubt and resentment, and even straight up destroy relationships.

Brittany went on a one year mission to regain her confidence, and reinvigorate the passion between her and her husband. In this inspiring story, in under a year, this one couple resurrected their stale sex life and their relationship as a whole.

3. A Letter From Fred

96-year-old Fred wrote a song for his wife as a response to a local singer/songwriter competition. Fred's wife, Lorraine, had recently passed away after 75 years of marriage. Listen to the story of his relationship and his song:

A Letter From Fred from Green Shoe Studio on Vimeo.

4. The Loveliest Short Story You Will Read Today

Read the story of a couple that meets on the subway in New York that was published in one of the most unusual places you could imagine... Craigslist. It's a fantastic read. I honestly didn't think it would be that great, but after I started reading, I couldn't stop. It's a fantastic work of amateur fiction.

5. How To Tell Love From Passion

One of my favorite websites, Brain Pickings, shows off an awesome book illustrated by James Thurber, one of the most beloved artists from The New Yorker. The book is entitled "Is Sex Necessary?" The article is definitely worth checking out... and if you feel so inclined, the book as well.

Don't forget to join the 30 Day True Love Challenge! We're one week in, but you can still jump on board.

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30 Day Challenge Email List

Join the email list to receive daily inspiration, motivation, and success stories. We'll do our best to make this totally worth your while. Trust us, 30 days is a lot longer than it seems, and a few days in, things start to suck. A little inspiration can go a long way. [gravityform id="6" name="30 Day Challenge Email List" title="false" description="false"][jcol/]

Join the Facebook Group

For a bit of extra encouragement, community, and inspiration, join the 30 Day Challenge Facebook Group by clicking the button below:

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[jbox title="Thanks for Reading!" border="5" radius="15"] This Week In Love is a weekly collection of all things love published every Sunday. If you've seen/read/created something you'd like to see featured on This Week In Love, just drop us a line! [/jbox]

Episode 22 - Porn Addiction

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For the record, this podcast and this blog post is neither pro-porn nor anti-porn. It's simply an effort to educate those who consume porn on the potential side effects of its consumption.

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Holy crap we're talking about porn!

Yup, Porn... that thing that so many of us quietly indulge in behind closed and locked doors. That thing that causes the hyper-conservatives to recoil in fear. That thing that causes religious leaders and mothers alike to shudder at its very mention.

For many people, porn has become as much a part of every day life as a regular bowel movement. We sit in a darkened room staring at a screen, clicking a mouse, opening dozens of tabs. Buffering... buffering... buffering...

Always on the lookout for that perfect scene.

Watching for something new and exciting.

Envisioning the ultimate erotic fantasy.

People say looking at porn is completely normal. It isn't hurting anyone.

I've been one of those people.

I've been the lonely, depressed, or just plain horny guy who just needed a safe and private sexual outlet. I've been the guy who said, "I can stop looking at porn when I find a girlfriend or get married. No problem." I've been the guy who felt insecure, helpless, lonely and ashamed. I've felt unwanted because, as I've heard over and over and over in one way or another in my life, "Who would ever want to be with someone who looks at that disgusting stuff?"

There are countless people who feel stuck. They're hooked and they don't even know it. Their only escape from porn is more porn. Thousands of wrecked relationships that are living proof that porn can be devastating to love.

Nobody sits down to dinner with friends and says with a twinkle in their eye, "You know what? Me and porn, we have such a great thing going. I'm just really happy with our relationship. I think we're really going places."

We have a problem. It's time to fix it. And to fix it, we need to be willing to talk about it and learn about it.

Is Porn Addictive?

The difficult thing with porn is that - relative to most other addictive substances - it has only recently become highly accessible to the public. People have been studying the side effects of tobacco, alcohol, drugs, and prescription medications for decades. Although not a new invention, porn's sudden ease of access makes it a brand new, and unique threat for the digital generation.

It's a threat because most people who consume porn are not educated about the potential side effects. We've been educated to know that smoking causes cancer, drinking causes liver and heart disease, and your brains can turn to scrambled eggs when on drugs.

But there's no warning attached to pornography. And people consume it and are ignorant to the addiction they're feeding until it's too late.

Nobody tells you it can negatively impact your sex drive and even cause early onset erectile disfunction.

Nobody tells you it can alter your brain chemistry.

Nobody explains how it gives you incredibly unrealistic expectations regarding what healthy sex looks like.

I'm not saying that nobody should look at porn.

What I am saying is that there needs to be more education, research, and information available to those who choose to consume it so that people can make informed decisions. (Which is one of the reasons you should listen to the podcast above. We chat about the negative effects of porn, treatment, and how to support someone you love who may have an addiction.)

If we remain ignorant, and continue to refuse to talk about difficult or uncomfortable things, we leave a generation of people ill-equipped to deal with the ever-changing challenges their reality has in store for them.

Do yourself a favor. Learn about porn. Understand what it's capable of. Teach your friends and family members. Help our society make responsible and educated decisions about sex and any form of addictive substance.

Let's not wallow in unnecessary pain because of our own ignorance.

[jbox title="Show Notes:" border="5" radius="15"] How Kids Learn About Sex: Heres the video by Betony Vernon explaining how we're raising a generation of children with skewed perceptions regarding healthy sexuality because of our unwillingness to address a taboo topic in a healthy way.

Protect Yourself: Need some good recommendations for filtration software, education, or support for an addiction? Check out the Fight The New Drug website.

How porn affected Maria's relationship:

Maria's Story: "Pornography affected my relationship" from Fight the New Drug on Vimeo.

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This Week In Love - Date Night

One of the most important habits to develop in a relationship is to make time for each other. Getting rid of distractions, sitting down to connect as a partnership, and investing emotional and physical energy in each other is one of the most effective ways to keep love alive and thriving. Today's "This Week In Love" is dedicated in large part to spending quality time together.

Now go ask your significant other on a date, would you?

1. Dancing

Nearly every Friday, Ted and Lucienne go dancing together. It's the desire to be a couple like them that inspired me to learn to dance.

Learning to dance is one of the best things I've ever done. It's not easy, but when you "get it," the joy you experience on the dance floor with your partner is incomparable.

2. Jar of Dates

Sometimes thinking of a date is... well, more work than the date itself. So, maybe you're next date night should be to make a jar of dates. Use colored tongue depressors to write down a few dozen date ideas (maybe stealing from the list of date ideas below), and categorize them by price and effort.

Red: Expensive dates out of the house. Stuff like a night at the symphony, or a fancy restaurant go here. Dark Pink: Less expensive dates out of the house. A night at the movies, or dance classes would go here. Light Pink: Stay at home dates. Board games, video games, and dessert showdowns would go here. White: Sex? I don't know. There was no category for white sticks on this lady's blog. But sex seems like a good fit.

3. Kermit the Frog

Kermit is one of my favorite Muppets, and this is easily one of my favorite quotes. Sometimes you just meet someone, and you share this connection, and you are instantly.... well, there's not a word yet for old friends who've just met.

4. Talk About... Things

I've been told that you can always tell which couples at a restaurant are married... they're the ones not talking to each other. After years, or even decades together, it's understandable that you can just plain run out of things to talk about. Sometimes it happens to me after like 3 dates. So, here's a huge list of questions to spark some fun conversation. Or you can check out this cool-looking book* that basically serves the same purpose.

5. 52 Date Nights

Here's a list of dates (there are actually 79 on the list)... enough to go on one a week for a year.

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Don't forget to join the 30 Day True Love Challenge! It's starts tomorrow. [jcolumns]

30 Day Challenge Email List

Join the email list to receive daily inspiration, motivation, and success stories. We'll do our best to make this totally worth your while. Trust us, 30 days is a lot longer than it seems, and a few days in, things start to suck. A little inspiration can go a long way. [gravityform id="6" name="30 Day Challenge Email List" title="false" description="false"][jcol/]

Join the Facebook Group

For a bit of extra encouragement, community, and inspiration, join the 30 Day Challenge Facebook Group by clicking the button below:

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[jbox title="Thanks for Reading!" border="5" radius="15"] This Week In Love is a weekly collection of all things love published every Sunday. If you've seen/read/created something you'd like to see featured on This Week In Love, just drop us a line!

Links with an * are affiliate link. Any money made from an affiliate link goes to keep The Loveumentary up and running.[/jbox]

Episode #21 - Jeff and Kelly

[powerpress]Jeff and Kelly are two of my best friends. They were in town last week and hinted that they'd love to be interviewed for the podcast. I'm so glad I got to interview them.

One of my favorite moments in this conversation comes towards the end of the conversation. I asked the couple what they were looking forward to in the next 50 years of marriage. The entire conversation to that point had been dedicated to what they had learn, done, and accomplished together. I could see that the question took them a little off-guard.

After a moment of contemplation, Jeff looked at me and said that what he was looking forward to most was helping his wife fulfill her dreams. The first several years of their marriage had revolved so much around his goals... grad school, moving around the country pursuing several different jobs, working long hours, etc. His desire is to make the next chapter about her.

I love this for two reasons.

1. It shows that a relationship requires both parties to be sensitive not only to each others needs... but their desires. When was the last time you asked the person you loved what big goals they hope to achieve? More importantly, what did you do to help them do it?
2. It shows how important it is to grow together as a couple. If one person is consuming all of the resources and emotional energy of the couple, they are not growing together. If you are not sharing the big responsibilities of your relationship... at least a little (see: Jeff not being recognized by his kids then making it a priority to be home to help put the kids to bed) the relationship suffers.

I love Jeff and Kelly, and I hope you enjoy their episode. (Sorry I montaged the first 2 minutes, Jeff. I couldn't help it.)

Don't Forget To Sign Up For The 30 Day True Love Challenge!

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30 Day Challenge Email List

Join the email list to receive daily inspiration, motivation, and success stories. We'll do our best to make this totally worth your while. Trust us, 30 days is a lot longer than it seems, and a few days in, things start to suck. A little inspiration can go a long way. [gravityform id="6" name="30 Day Challenge Email List" title="false" description="false"][jcol/]

Join the Facebook Group

For a bit of extra encouragement, community, and inspiration, join the 30 Day Challenge Facebook Group by clicking the button below:

[jbutton size="xlarge" color="blue" link="https://www.facebook.com/groups/truelovechallenge/"]Facebook Group[/jbutton]

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[jbox title="Thanks for Reading!" border="5" radius="15"] The intro music for today's podcast is by Feist. The song is Tout Doucement... and it's beautiful. The theme song is by Matty Blades. Find more of his tunes here. Come back and visit soon![/jbox]

What Would You Give Up For True Love?

Do you want to experience true love?

Of course you do...

Big deal. Everybody wants true love.

The real question is, what are you doing about it?

We all say we want true love, yet we fill our lives with hollow emotional clutter. We claim to want to experience deep connection, yet we are constantly on the lookout for a new way to numb our feelings.

We're addicted to Facebook, video games, our jobs, porn, The Bachelor, alcohol, and food.

We use our vices to escape.

When we are bored, we tune out the world with a marathon of Arrested Development on Netflix and a bottle of Nutella.

When we're feeling that social anxiety, we numb our fear with booze.

When we're lonely we flip on our computers and pull up some porn and well... you get the idea.

Let's say true love is, well, true. By its very definition, it must not be false, fictional, or illusory. In short, it must conform with reality.

Yet we sit around and complain that we'll never find it while we fill our lives with every empty and hollow counterfeit for love we can get our hands on.

Porn is the opposite of romance.

Facebook is the anthesis of true friendship.

Drunken nights ending in blackouts are the antithesis of late-night soul talks resulting in deep and meaningful connection.

Where's true love? It's out there. What are you willing to give up to get it?

For 30 days, join us, and give up one of your love counterfeits. Sacrifice that emotional crutch. Abandon the guilty pleasure. Tear down that wall you've been hiding behind.

Let's get vulnerable! Let's connect, experience emotions together, laugh, cry, dance, scream! And let's make room to experience true love!

We're starting on Monday, August 19th. You can join our Facebook group, or sign up to get daily emails to help you through this process. Check out more details on this page. Be part of the community that is bringing love back in style!

Sign Up!

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30 Day Challenge Email List

Join the email list to receive daily inspiration, motivation, and success stories. We'll do our best to make this totally worth your while. Trust us, 30 days is a lot longer than it seems, and a few days in, things start to suck. A little inspiration can go a long way. [gravityform id="6" name="30 Day Challenge Email List" title="false" description="false"][jcol/]

Join the Facebook Group

For a bit of extra encouragement, community, and inspiration, join the 30 Day Challenge Facebook Group by clicking the button below:

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