"Am I happy in my marriage?" When was that ever such an important question?

This week I was listening to some past episodes of the TED Radio Hour podcast, and I stumbled on this interview with Esther Perel. Her book and her TED Talk opened my mind to a new way of thinking. This interview feels like the icing on the cake. I wanted to share it with you because I think it will help you look at your challenges in a different way, or maybe even approach your relationships with a new lens.

I've transcribed the entire interview for you (in case you can't listen to it, or you want to re-visit specific sections). I'd love to hear what you think in the comments!

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TED: Do you think love is like a construct or do you think it's a fact?

EP: It's an experience. It's an experience that is mental, emotional, physical, sensual, sensory. It's all-encompassing. That's part of why it's so grand, because it doesn't leave any part of us untouched.

TED: When people meet you and you say, "I'm Esther Perel, I wrote this book called Mating in Captivity." What's the most common reaction you get from people?

EP: Well, the first reaction is usually to the title, "Mating in Captivity." Some people know exactly what I mean. They understand immediately that we don't necessarily like to mate in captivity and so then the next question is, "So, can desire be sustained in the long haul? Can you reconcile the domestic and the erotic in one relationship? Can you reconcile intimacy and sexuality when you're with the same person for the long haul?"

Excerpt from Esther Perel's TEDx Talk:

So, why does good sex so often fade, even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever? And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex, contrary to popular belief? Or, the next question would be, can we want what we already have? That's the million-dollar question, right? And why is the forbidden so erotic? What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent? And why does sex make babies, and babies spell erotic disaster in couples? (Laughter) It's kind of the fatal erotic blow, isn't it? And when you love, how does it feel? And when you desire, how is it different?

These are some of the questions that are at the center of my exploration on the nature of erotic desire and its concomitant dilemmas in modern love. So I travel the globe, and what I'm noticing is that everywhere where romanticism has entered, there seems to be a crisis of desire. A crisis of desire, as in owning the wanting -- desire as an expression of our individuality, of our free choice, of our preferences, of our identity -- desire that has become a central concept as part of modern love and individualistic societies.

EP: Desire was never the organizing principle of sexuality for sure in marriage. We had sex because we needed lots of children and we had sex because it was a woman's marital duty. So, desire is very much a concept of our society - of our culture - today... of a consumer society, of a society that has the "I" in the center. And this "I" knows who she is and knows what he wants, and is constantly urged to define it and to want more.

TED: So what does that do? What's the result?

EP: We crumble under the weight of expectation. We've never invested more in love and we've never divorced more in the name of love. We're not having very nice results.

That doesn't mean that when we had less expectations marriages were happier occasions, but people had different expectations of life.

One of the most important things we've done around marriage is that we've brought happiness down from the heavens, and made it first, a possibility, and now today it's a mandate.

Am I happy in my marriage? When was that ever such an important question?

This idea that my marriage is supposed to give me something. That I'm supposed to get something from my partner and that my partner owes me that because somehow it was implicit in our agreement in our joining together that we were going to give each other things like:

I'll never feel alone again! I'll never worry about abandonment! I'll never feel disconnected! I'll never feel unnoticed!

TED: The thing is, marriage is great! I'm speaking for myself here of course. It is that person. That person is your best friend. And that's our expectation. 

EP: In America.

But I can tell you I go to many parts of the world where I don't ever hear people say, "My partner is my best friend."

They HAVE best friends. And it's not their partner. Their partner is their partner. That's a different thing. And frankly, many people treat their partners in ways that they would never treat their best friends. They allow themselves to say and do things that no best friend would ever accept.

Friendship does not operate along the same lines.

Excerpt from Esther Perel's TEDx Talk:

So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult? And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship, I think, is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs. On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability, for safety, for dependability, for reliability, for permanence. All these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives that we call home. But we also have an equally strong need -- men and women -- for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger, for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise -- you get the gist. For journey, for travel. So reconciling our need for security and our need for adventure into one relationship, or what we today like to call a passionate marriage, used to be a contradiction in terms. Marriage was an economic institution in which you were given a partnership for life in terms of children and social status and succession and companionship. But now we want our partner to still give us all these things, but in addition I want you to be my best friend and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot, and we live twice as long.

So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide. Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one. Give me comfort, give me edge. Give me novelty, give me familiarity. Give me predictability, give me surprise. And we think it's a given, and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that.

TED: So if marriage has evolved into this thing that's so fraught with potential problems and pitfalls and obstacles, how do we save it and improve it?

EP: Oh yes, I get that question all the time, and I have a different answer every day. It ranges from, you know, the secret to happy relationship -- I don't think in those terms actually. That's the first thing. It's not my language. I don't think about secrets, nor "keys to..." nor 7 ways to..., nor "10 steps..."

TED: You don't have the answer for us -- like the bumper sticker answer?

EP: No. But I do have a sense in the American context, it's often a "can do" question. You know, this is a society that thinks that every problem has a solution. And then one of my answers is that this dilemma between our need for security and our need for adventure, and how we're trying to bring them together under one roof is maybe more a paradox that we manage, and less a problem that we solve.

Episode #56 with Michelle and Rich

Pleasant Surprises

Michelle and Rich met at AA and have fallen more and more in love with each other as the years have gone by. Their love story is unlike any other that we've had here on the podcast... and I'm so glad it is.

One of the best gifts this podcast has given me is that it's made me aware of my prejudices (prejudice = pre-judging), and pushed me to get to know, love, and accept people I probably wouldn't have otherwise. Michelle and Rich fall into that category. At first glance, I would never have guessed they share the type of love they revealed to me in the back of a conference room in Austin, Texas last year at SXSW.

It's because of people like them that my perception of what is possible in love and relationships is constantly evolving and transforming. I'm so grateful for that, and for them.

Lovers Anonymous

One of the things I loved learning about in this episode is how the 12 Step Program has become a foundational principle for growth and change for Rich and Michelle throughout their marriage.

This conversation was one of the first conversations I'd ever had (in detail) about the 12 Step Program, how it works, and how it changes people.

What I learned is that it's a set of rules that help people take ownership and create change in their lives... and if there's one that's true about relationships, it's that they work best when rules are in place, and both partners hold themselves and each other accountable.

The problem many people see in relationships is that they get caught in - or addicted to - a behavioral pattern that is damaging to their relationship.

Helen Fisher - one of the scientists leading the charge on the study of love - even goes as far to say that, "Love is an addiction."

And when you have an addiction, you don't grow emotionally. You stagnate. You get stuck.

So, if you're feeling stuck in an area of your life, maybe this interview, and the 12 Steps (I've modified them a bit for relevancy) will be super helpful to you:

12 Steps

1. I admit I'm powerless over _______—that my life has become unmanageable in this area.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

3. Make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.

4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.

5. Admitted to God, to myself, and to another human beings the exact nature of my wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove my shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons I have harmed, and be willing to make amends to them all.

9. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when I was wrong, promptly admit it.

11. Seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, as I understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, I try to carry this message to those who are suffering, and to practice these principles in all my affairs.

Meeting at AA and conquering addiction

• Evolving as individuals within a relationship to get past hurdles (gaining confidence, learning to be with each other, humility, etc.)

• The power of 12 Step programs, and the importance of spiritual growth

• Being responsible for your own thoughts, actions, and feelings... including your own happiness

• The importance of being yourself and self-awareness

• How prayer and meditation can transform your relationship

• Learning to compromise - the 1-10 scale, how important is this to you?

• The importance of maintaining a good reputation with your spouse, and playing by the rules you set

• When you have an addiction, you don't grow emotionally

• Being a man is doing what you say you'll do

• Exploring personal sexuality

5 Things You Don’t Say To Someone Who Is Grieving

My good friend Kristin over at The Healing Group wrote this post a while back, and it really resonated with me. Grief is one of those things that most of us will not escape life without experiencing in some form or another. Grief can be crippling. It can change you as a person.

It's important to be able to process the grief in your life in a healthy... and to be understanding of others in your life who might not be themselves because of the burden of grief they are carrying around with them. I know I wish more people had followed these rules during the difficult grieving period I recently went through.

I hope this post helps you feel a little less alone... or that it helps to keep you from saying something really stupid:

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As human beings, it’s in our nature to desire and strive for “sameness.” We like to feel secure and safe as much as possible. We create systems and protocols and procedures so there is a sense of structure and predictability. We do these things because, deep down, we know and understand that nothing is really ever totally safe, predictable or or constant.

Although death is an absolute certain part of our experience, in order to keep a sense of control and security we sometimes choose to ignore this facet of our human existence until it comes crashing into our world. When that happens to someone we know and love, or someone we may not know as well, but with whom we have to interact such as a co-worker, it can sometimes be difficult to know what to say. So, we either avoid that person, or we, with very good intentions, say something awkward and walking away wishing we had said nothing at all.

While there isn’t a comprehensive list of what to say, there are definitely a few things not to say:

“Call me if you need to talk.”

Those who have lost a loved one are in a very challenging time. Their feeling of “safety and security” has been altered and they may be trying to make sense of their new reality. During this time they may not know what they need nor when they’ll need it. Telling them to call you absolves you of any responsibility toward caring for them and places it squarely on their shoulders — which are already burdened by the loss they are carrying.

If you have the type of relationship in which you would call or visit, take the initiative yourself and do it, instead of waiting for them to reach out. Your timely phone call may be just what they then realized they needed.

“I understand exactly how you feel.”

The keyword in that phrase is, “exactly.”

Nobody knows exactly how someone else feels.

You don’t know the nature of the relationship or how the person viewed it. What may seem like a small loss to you (maybe a loss of a beloved pet) may be a big loss to them. Even if you have lost someone in the past, their situation is different from yours in unique ways you don’t understand.

Instead, saying something like, “You’re not alone. I love you,” is more helpful.

“Stay strong.”

Just who do they have to stay strong for? You?

Grieving individuals need a chance to feel and express a wide range of emotions, from anger to sadness to confusion to hope and maybe back to anger.

Instead of telling them how to feel, you can be the “strong” one by giving them a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear to talk to, or a quiet someone to just keep them company.

“Well, at least she lived a long life.”

Old, young, middle, it doesn’t matter. Losing a loved one is never easy, even if the person is “prepared” and knows death is approaching. The passing of someone is final in a way not experienced in anything else this life. And your friend’s Dad was still her Dad — even if he was 92.

Instead, ask your friend about her loved one. Maybe she would like to share a memory or have someone look through pictures with her.

“What are you going to do now?”

Again, people experiencing a loss probably have no idea what they’re going to do now. Often the planning of the funeral and settling affairs makes it seem like the person is “busy” and “on top of things” when in reality they are going through the tasks associated with someone’s passing, but may still not have a clue about how to live their life without their loved one. As nice as it is to attend the funeral and send flowers, be sure to check back on your friend in a week or so, and then in a few months and sincerely ask how they’re feeling and doing?

The grief process is just that — a process. There isn’t a time-frame for anything nor an order to what emotions may be experienced. Giving your friends and family the time and space they need to feel and experience their loss is a gift and can be extremely life-enriching, life-affirming and allow for greater depth of healing.

Episode #55 with Mike and Becky

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Being Grateful For Your Trials

Mike and Becky seem almost too good to be true... and that's why I love them.

One thing that stood out to me as I re-listened to this interview is the attitude Mike and Becky have towards each other, and the respect and esteem they have for their marriage.

Their marriage inspires them to be the best version of themselves.

I believe they feel so lucky to have each other and have so much respect for their marriage that it has completely changed how they experience life. They don't want to threaten or jeopardize something they deem so sacred, so they put an incredible effort to preserve and nurture everything that is good within their relationship... and they find ways to turn the trials into blessings.

It takes a special kind of person to be grateful for the good in life along with the bad. During the interview Mike mentioned how one of their biggest trials was when his wife was diagnosed with diabetes... then not 10 minutes later, Becky talks about what a blessing her illness has been, and how she's been able to use it to help, serve, and uplift other people struggling with the same disease.

There is a level of love that remarkable couples tend to reach that sets them apart from others. It's a realization that their relationship with each other extends beyond personal satisfaction. Their love carries beyond their partner. It even spreads beyond their children and immediate family.

Truly incredible couples realize that they way they love each other, and they way they respond to their trials and challenges can have an impact on their community and the world. They use their marriage as a catalyst to inspire and uplift others. They set themselves as examples and role models. They see the value in sharing their struggles, and uplifting those who are hurting and suffering.

The lesson I learned from Mike and Becky is that life is what you choose to make it.

What did you learn from this week's podcast? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

I hope you enjoyed our conversation with Mike and Becky. Here are some of the things we talk about in this episode, as well as some of the resources that were mentioned:

• Waiting till marriage to have sex.

• Burn the ships. Don't use the "Divorce" word.

• Be grateful for each other and the work you do for each other

• Child rearing conflicts. Good cop vs. Bad cop

• The Love Monkey (holds love notes, and they'd hide him from each other)

• When Becky got diabetes

• Talking about sex with kids on their level

• Focus on the Family

• If you make it through one trial, you can be better prepared and stronger for the next one. There are no back doors.

• Being grateful for the good and the bad

• How much joy and excitement marriage can bring into your life

• Finding your love language

5 Partner Workouts That Will Get Your Blood Pumping... If Ya Know What I Mean

Couples That Exercise Have A Secret Advantage...

Here's the thing about working out... even though it's not always fun, it leaves you feeling AMAZING afterwards. That's because physical activity releases all sorts of hormones and endorphins into your brain that send you into a euphoric state, and reduce your perception of pain.

If you find yourself stressed out regularly, or arguing a lot... maybe it's because you're not working out regularly.

Another added bonus of working out is that it makes you look sexy! And who doesn't want to be sexy?

I know I do... which is why I work out.

Your Challenge:

I spent a bunch of time perusing YouTube in an attempt to find some really fun, relatively short, and unique partner exercise videos.

Pick one, set aside 15 minutes tonight, and do it with your partner! I promise you won't regret it.

Partner Up Yoga: Stretching & Flexibility Mat Workout

This workout is great if you're not up for any intense movements. Just sit down together and get your stretch on. You'll be using each others bodies to limber up and relax. This is a video you should not be scared of.

'Good Morning My Love' Partner Yoga Sequence for Couples

I picked this video because it just looked fun and playful. It's a good Saturday morning pajama workout to do together after some mookie (morning nookie), and before your french toast breakfast.

Partner Workout with Kelli & Daniel

This is a really basic workout that you can have fun with at your own pace. The only equipment you might need is a medicine ball, but you could get by without it.

Buddy Up! Partner Fitness Exercises

This is another pretty basic workout that most people should be able to do. You can increase the intensity if it seems to easy or modify the movements to your ability level.

Partner Up Yoga: Acro Yoga Workout with Vytas Baskauskas

Acro yoga won't be for everyone, but if you're looking to try yoga as a partnership, this is a great place to start! They break down the movements and move nice and slow so you don't get overwhelmed. This is definitely one I'll be trying this week.

Up For a Bigger Challenge?

Ever wanted to do something big? Something crazy? Something you never thought you could do?

Maybe you've always wanted to train for a triathlon, or a marathon... or maybe even an Ironman race.

If you want to tackle something big this year - especially if you want to tackle something big with your partner - send me an email.

My friend, Nat is an endurance trainer and has offered to put together a training program (geared specifically towards couples). If we can get enough people on board, he'll put together a program to help us train, and make what seems impossible into something that is SO possible.

Send me an email if you're interested! I really want to do this with you guys.

What workouts do you do together? Have you noticed a change in how you show up in your relationships when you exercise as opposed to when you don't? How do you fit exercise into your life when it gets busy? I'd love to hear your ideas in the comments...

Episode #54 with Sung & Christina

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Aaaaaand we're back!

A few weeks ago while updating my website I broke something and the podcast stopped working.

My good friend Mark helped me fix the podcast, improve the audio quality, and create a whole strategy around how the podcasts will be released down the road. He's even helped me strategize some awesome product that I'll be launching over the next few months. If you want him to help you out with a project or business you're working on, you can contact him here. He's for reals amazing.

Buckle up... and subscribe on iTunes here. I hope you enjoy this awesome chat with Christina and Sung.

The Couple That Plays Together Stays Together

The Difference Between The Masters of Love and The Disasters of Love...

John Gottman - arguably the foremost expert on romantic love - has shared some incredible findings from decades of studies around what makes amazing relationships. The most fundamental principle that comes up again and again in his writings is...

You've gotta be friends!

Seriously though. You can't have an incredible, lasting love without a strong friendship... the kind of friendship you constantly cultivate.

Being friends means you have to talk to each other, be interested in each others lives, support each other, be kind to one another, help each other through your struggles, and most importantly...

YOU HAVE TO HAVE FUN!

Here at The Loveumentary, fun is mandatory! I believe that couples should have so much that I literally started a company dedicated the idea. Unbox Love is a date-in-a-box subscription service. We literally send you everything you need to have an awesome date together to your doorstep every month.

It's been amazing over the last several months to get emails and notes from people telling me how having a regular date night has completely reignited their relationships!

My challenge for you today is to step away from the obligations, the commitments, and the stresses of life. Put off doing the dishes for one night. Turn off your phones, tablets and computers. Put the yard work off one more day... and just play!

Go on an adventure. Play a game. Ask each other questions you haven't asked in a long time. Build a blanket fort and read each other a book. Have a tickle fight. Or go on a date...

Speaking of dates, here are a few great ideas of free (or really cheap) dates you can do together provided by the amazing Dating Divas:

Cheapest Date Challenge

Challenge your spouse to see who can pull off the best (and cheapest!) date night. In fact, see who can plan the best FREE date night! Challenge accepted!

Deal or No Deal

You might not win the million dollar prize, but you WILL definitely win over your spouse’s heart with this fun and sexy twist on a popular t.v. game show.

Frisbee Golf With a Twist

This is a unique game that doesn’t cost a dime! And the best part? It uses items that you can find around the house!

Campout for Two

If you have the gear, camping is a GREAT option for anyone who is pinching pennies! Put up a tent (the more secluded the better!) and voila! You have a romantic getaway for two!

Tourist In Your Home Town

You don’t have to go on some expensive exotic vacation to discover new places! Research what your own town has to offer and get going! You might be surprised at how much there is to see!

Go spend some time as friends tonight, and leave the worries of being responsible, tax-paying, child-rearing, deadline meeting adults for another day.

How The Loveumentary Changed One Man's Life... And What It Means For You!

Last week I got to have a talk with my new friend (and fan of The Loveumentary) Kan Adachi. Kan is in insanely talented calligrapher. During our conversation, he told me that a handful of his lettering projects have been inspired by The Loveumentary podcast. Here's his powerful story in his own words: Hi, my name is Kan, and this is my story of how the Loveumentary changed my life.

I distinctly remember having less than ten dollars in my bank account in college while I was working a part time job that paid a nice hourly wage. I was hooked on keeping my emotional state high through spending money. I also remember a myriad of other unpleasant experiences like desperately holding on to a failing relationship (which eventually became unsustainable) and not being able to perform up to my standards in school. This was a low point.

But then, like so many other life-changing stories, I met somebody who made all the difference. She saw my shortcomings as part of the path I was walking to become a stronger version of myself. She held me, supported me, and encouraged me to continue becoming all that I was meant to be.

I quickly realized that this relationship was something I did not want to screw up, but I was still heartbroken and emotionally unstable; I was on my way to possibly sabotaging this potentially beautiful relationship. Coincidentally, right around this time, I stumbled across Nate’s Loveumentary podcast episode 36 & 37 with Ty and Terry.

These two episodes were nothing short of life-changing. It ignited my passion towards loving intentionally and being fully present and aware of my responsibilities in a relationship. Looking back, it is the exposure to these two episodes that is the clear inflection point on when I started to have a clear direction in life and become genuinely grateful.

I recently realized that the messages behind the Loveumentary are not just for the version of me that needed to be uplifted and needed practical advice for how to approach a relationship. It is also for the version of my significant other that was unsure if she should believe in me. At some point, she had to make a decision to risk, be vulnerable, and place her trust in my hands.

I am forever grateful that she did, and this is why I want to help contribute to Nate’s purpose. Unlike much of the self-centered, dating-for-my-gain mentality that has been woven into the fabric of the single’s society, It is about instilling a mindset of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and believe in others. This could not be any more relevant to me since it was my girlfriend’s choice to believe in me that kept me afloat through the valleys of my life trajectory.

Keep loving, everyone. You will make all the difference in someone’s life.

I was completely blown away when I heard this story. I never thought that a project I started would have an influence on someone else's live in this way.

I asked Kan if he would create a piece specifically for you!

And he said yes!

So, over the next few weeks he's going to be sharing with us the process of how he creates this beautiful work of art, and when he's finished, you'll be able to buy a limited edition print of it to display in your home or office!

I can't tell you how excited I am for this. It's so cool to be collaborating with someone who shares the same passion I have for The Loveumentary.

You can see one of Kan's pieces in the header of this blog post (in case you have images disabled). And here's a pencil draft of what he's working on for us. It's not the final product, but it will give you an idea of how insanely talented this kid is:

How To Order A Print:

Prints will be available in a few weeks. They will be 12"x12". The color of the prints and paper are still not determined. Shoot me an email if you want to pre-order one, and I'll give you details!

Upcoming Events

I have some more great news for you! I'm going to be headed to New York City and San Francisco in the next few months to put on some workshops, and if you're in the area, I'd love to see you!

I'll be updating you with more details as they come available, but I wanted you to get them on your calendar as early as possible so you can be sure to attend. If you can't make it to the seminars, I'm going to try to host a meetup in each city where we can just hang out for a few hours.

(If you're in San Francisco or NYC, let me know if you have any recommendations of cool places to hang.)

June 1 - 3 in Orlando, FL

I'll be in Orlando for a conference from June 1 - 3. I'd love to get together with some of you. Shoot me an email if you're interested and we'll put something together.

June 12 - 14 in New York City

Advanced Ed NYC On Friday the 12th I'll be leading an evening workshop. Then on Saturday and Sunday I'll be giving a 2-day seminar on creating powerful, lasting love and relationships.

Seating is limited for both the Friday and the Saturday-Sunday events. If you want to be there, shoot me an email and I'll make sure to reserve you a spot before tickets go on sale!

June 23 - 24 in San Francisco

The Passion Co. On Tuesday the 23rd I'll be giving a Passion Talk for The Passion Co.

On Wednesday the 24th I'll be running a 3 hour Passion Workshop. Details are coming soon! I'll let you know as soon as registration opens. But if you're in the SF area, I'd love to see you on either (or both) night!

I'm looking for other opportunities to speak! If you belong to a community (meetup, church group, club, business, etc.) that wants to learn how to strengthen relationships and create more fulfilling love, just drop me a line to let me know. Bonus points if you're in NYC, San Francisco, or Utah, and are available during a date when I'll be in or around your town.

You'd Rather Be Comfortable than In Love

What You Already Know Could Change Your Life...

... but it probably won't, because you like being comfortable too much.

The cure to obesity is to have a healthy diet and exercise... but it's easier to eat processed foods and be lazy.

The best way to stay out of debt and avoid bankruptcy is to never spend more money than you have... but it's easier to buy what you want, and just put it on a credit card now.

You could write a book, master a new language, or learn an instrument, with just a little bit of practice and daily effort... but motivating yourself to put in the work is way harder than binge-watching a whole season of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix.

You could have an incredible, passionate, connected, dynamic, committed, romantic relationship... but you'd rather play it safe and stay in your comfort zone than have the love you crave.

You'd rather use the excuse of being busy with work or taking care of the kids than make the extra effort to plan a romantic date.

You'd rather turn down your partner's advances because you're not in the mood than to entertain the idea of passion.

You'd rather wait for the other person to make the first move than risk looking the fool.

You'd rather watch a movie come up with thoughtful questions that could inspire a meaningful conversation.

You'd rather scream, walk away from a conversation, and slam the door behind you than listen compassionately, and show understanding and forgiveness.

You'd rather read 50 Shades of Gray than a book that could educate you on how to be a better partner.

In short, you'd rather be comfortable than in love!

Winners are those people who make a habit of doing the things losers are uncomfortable doing. -Ed Foreman

If you want to win at the game of love - ok, not just the game of love, the World Series of love - you have to make yourself uncomfortable. You have to stretch. You have to constantly recommit yourself, educate yourself, improve yourself, dig deeper, give more, and practice practice practice.

Or as one of The Loveumentary's past podcast guests said,

Marriage is a continual process. It’s a re-commitment to each other. That it requires continual forgiveness, continual self-growth and examination. -Lara Ward

Allow Yourself to Be Awkward

Whenever you're venturing into new territory, or growing and stretching yourself, you will experience a learning curve... and that can be really awkward.

I remember how awkward I was when I went to my first co-ed dance when I was 14.

I was terrified to even make eye contact with a girl, let alone ask a girl to dance!

I spent the majority of the dance either standing in a circle with my friends, bobbing my head - or if I got really courageous, I might bust out a few of the whitest dance moves you've ever seen.

As I attended more dances, it got less and less awkward to ask a girl to dance. It got to be a lot of fun! I began anticipate when slow songs were going to come on, and I'd position myself next to a girl I had a crush on so I could ask her before any other guys.

I grew to love dancing so much that I took some ballroom classes, and even started looking for opportunities to dance on a regular basis.

Give yourself permission to be awkward and look stupid. You won't be good at something new the first time you try it.

You'll wobble on your bike and crash a few times before you get the hang of riding a two-wheeler. You'll make some really ugly cupcakes, and weird tasting cookies before you can open your own bakery. You'll write some really horrible blog posts before you become an author.

You might have some really funny and awkward experiences in the bedroom before you master sex with your partner. You might feel like a complete idiot trying to change the way you listen and communicate. (The words "Wow, that sounds really tough, tell me more." sometimes feel really weird coming out of my mouth... but they've helped me become a better listener.) Following a budget is going to be uncomfortable at first...

But the people who are willing to look stupid and feel uncomfortable are the ones who will experience the kind of love the rest of us only fantasize about.

So, what can you do today to make yourself uncomfortable? How can you embrace the awkward? What are you really committed to... love, or something else?

When Life Doesn't Go According to Plan

Sometimes life refuses to go according to plan...

Six months ago I was engaged, and my plan for 2015 was to be married and living in cute little house with the woman of my dreams as we built our future life together.

At the moment, I'm single and sitting in my basement. I've spent a lot of time contemplating what went wrong.

Life obviously did not go according to my plan.

We initially pushed back our wedding date in October to give ourselves some much-needed space and time. Three months later we decided it was best to call off our engagement entirely to allow ourselves to tackle some personal struggles.

I remember waking up the day after our breakup and realizing my worst nightmare had become a reality. (I literally had nightmares about calling off my engagement.)

I know, people break up all the time. Every day couples are calling off their engagements, or getting left standing at the altar, or going through struggles of infidelity, bankruptcy, loss, or even dead bedrooms.

Life goes on, right?

Well, none of those people have a project called The Loveumentary dedicated to learning and practicing the things that make amazing relationships a reality. (Or at least that's what I told myself.)

Needless to say, after the breakup I was really angry, confused and scared. I felt like a fraud. There were moments where I felt completely unworthy of love or that my heart would never heal.

It was pretty bad.

Breakups are horrible. Life is sometimes really really hard. Love is risky...

But getting hurt is not what this post is about.

This post is about having a plan... and what happens when that plan goes horribly wrong. Like, the opposite-of-the-way-you-thought-plans-would-go kind of wrong. The what-the-heck-just-happened-are-you-freaking-kidding-me kind of wrong.

I have a foolproof plan...

I recently realized that every time I've had one of those shake-your-fist-at-the-sky-and-scream-at-the-top-of-your-lungs moments it's because I've been attached to a specific outcome. I wanted something to happen really really bad... and despite all of my valiant efforts the thing did not happen.

I make plans all the time... and here's what it sounds like inside my brain:

"I'm going to say/do A, and then she's going to say/do B, and then I'll respond with X, and then she'll see things my way, and we'll all be happy!"

Plans are simple, easy, straightforward.

If everyone followed my plans, life would be so much less painful, and everyone would be so happy!

Then I read this amazing quote by Dwight D. Eisenhower which led to a moment of exquisite clarity for me:

Plans are nothing. Planning is everything.

Plans work the opposite of the way life works.

Life is chaotic, complex, and random... and when pitted up against my plans, life always wins, and I lose.

Planning vs. Having a Plan

As I've reflected on the chaos that has been my life over the last several months, I've learned a valuable lesson: Getting fixated on a plan generally leads to disappointment... but there is HUGE value in planning.

Planning involves preparing, considering all the possibilities and contemplating potential outcomes, then formulating a response for all of these circumstances.

Our love life is probably the area where we make the most "plans."

We have "a plan" for our honeymoon. We have "a plan" when we're going to buy a house. We have "a plan" for how romantic vacations will unfold, when we'll have kids, how many kids we'll have, and how well-behaved they'll be. We have plans about how our bodies will look, how much energy and money we'll have, and how our love will always feel easy.

If all we get attached to a plan of how we think life should be, our marriages and relationships will be fraught with disappointment, frustration, and conflict... because life happens, and our plans get destroyed.

Or as Mike Tyson said, "Everybody has a plan 'till they get punched in the face."

Instead, if you are rigorous in your planning - if you prepare and avoid getting attached to "a plan," - you can roll with the punches when it rains through your entire honeymoon, or when you can't afford a house in the first 5 years of your marriage, or when traffic or sickness threatens a romantic getaway. You can still find joy and happiness when you are surprised with twins... even very rambunctious twins, or when you put on weight or lose your hair... or even when your engagement falls to pieces.

If you're finding yourself being constantly disappointed or stressed or looking around wondering how the heck you got where you are and what happened to the life you thought you'd have, ask yourself the question, "Am focused more on planning, or on living out my ideal plan?"

What can you do to start planning and preparing for the curveballs and bombshells of life? How can you educate yourself to handle jarring, unexpected situations with grace and poise? How can you develop the habit of seeing the good in everything... even when life doesn't go according to "the plan?" Leave your thoughts in the comments!