I just hung up the phone with a good friend of mine. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him so in love, or so excited.
He’s not married, but he’s dating this awesome girl. They’re early enough in their relationship that things are still fresh and exciting, but they’ve been together long enough that they can be transparent and honest with each other.
A few weeks ago this friend of mine (I'll call him Bill) noticed that he kept interrupting his girlfriend while she was talking.
It wasn’t on purpose, he just got excited and would randomly interject something fun or interesting. It kinda bugged him that he wasn't being polite, and that he kept taking the focus off of her.
So he brought it up.
“Hey, so I’ve noticed lately that I’ve been interrupting you while you’re talking. I’d love it if you could help me be a better listener and point it out if you catch me doing it.”
"I can do that."
Then the truly magical thing happened this week while they were out on a date.
My friend’s girlfriend looked him in the eyes and said, “Remember that conversation we had about you interrupting me a while back? Well, I just wanted to tell you that since we’ve had that convo, I don’t think you’ve interrupted me once. That is amazing! You are amazing! You just made the decision to stop doing something, and you stopped.”
It's been like 2 days since she told him this and I could tell over the phone that he was STILL on cloud 9!
She noticed!
She saw his effort!
She acknowledged him for his progress!
And it resulted in him feeling like a million dollars. "Nate, it made me want to be an even BETTER BOYFRIEND!"
This is what it’s all about!
Screw the Hokey Pokey. That dance is meaningless.
Love is about building each other up, and encouraging each other as we make efforts to become our best selves.
But not everyone is like my friend who can just decide to do something and just make it happen.
Changing human behavior is typically really hard.
Don’t believe me? What percentage of people who made a New Year’s resolution to hit the gym and get in shape are still committed to it 4 weeks later?
Not many.
Because it’s HARD to change a lifetime of habits - like the time you wake up, the way you fold your socks, how you brush your teeth, or how you load the dishwasher.
Here’s something you can test out: Try mixing up your shower routine tomorrow morning. If you always wash your hair first, try starting out with your legs. Not only will you probably forget, but if you try it, it will feel SUPER unnatural.
Now, let’s get back to the gym analogy.
Let’s pretend you have a goal to get in shape. You’re super committed to it. You’re determined to change your human behavior and be consistent with your gym attendance, or you’re going to die trying!
Your first day at the gym a trainer introduces himself as you walk through the door and follows your every move. Every time you make a mistake he points it out. “Your form is wrong, dummy.” “You have the wrong settings on that machine, are you stupid or something?” “You’re just going to hurt yourself if you do it like that.”
When you pull up to the gym on day two and see that trainer standing at the door, are you going to go in?
I wouldn’t.
I'd go home and crawl back in bed. Who needs self-improvement anyway?
Now... take some time to think... are you ever that a-hole of a gym trainer to your partner?
Do you suck all the desire for improvement out of them by being critical, or complaining when you don't get what you want?
If you want your partner to level up their game you have to be PATIENT! Praise them when they do something right. Celebrate their efforts, even if the results aren’t ideal.
It will have SUCH a positive effect on them! Your praise and appreciation for their efforts will inspire them want to be the best partner ever for you… just like my friend on the phone today.
Give it some real thought. Are you a praiser or a punisher?
What are some things you’ve complained about lately with the hopes of getting different results? What are some things your partner has done that are worthy of praise, that you more of… but you haven’t said anything about? (Small things count!)
Leave your answers in the comments!