Wanna hear some of the worst relationship advice I’ve ever heard?

“If you prioritize your partner’s needs, and they prioritize your needs, your marriage will go well.”

*Hnnnnnnggggh!*

Sorry, that was the sound of me having an anger-aneurysm...

This advice a recipe for disaster.

Keep reading if you want to understand why.

Here’s something I’ve seen happen more than once...

Jonny falls in love with Sally becauses he makes him feel competent, and valued, and important.

He loved that she relied on him a lot for her self-confidence.

He felt like a hero when he could swoop in and save the day by fixing her problems.

It was a massive ego-boost.

Then one day, something happens…

Sally got depressed. She stopped responding to Jonny’s efforts to save her.

If anything, his attempts to fix everything just made her feel worse.

Jonny starts to spiral.

His identity is so wrapped up in being the savior for his wife, that he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He doesn’t know how to tolerate the anxiety of being faced with a problem he cannot solve.

To cope with the negativity, he completely checks out of the marriage.

Meanwhile, Sally is stuck.

Jonny has saved her from so many of her past problems that she hasn’t built up the skillset or resiliency to take responsibility for saving herself.

Their marriage gets really dark really fast.

This happens ALL the time.

If you lean too much on each other to feel safe, happy, or simply to get your needs met, this is the inevitable result…

Women who build their entire identity around their role as a mother often experience this when the kids grow up and move out.

It happens to working professionals who become obsessed with their jobs… and then they get laid off or have to start thinking about retirement.

This happens to wives who can only be happy as long as their husband doesn’t look at porn.

Or husbands who demand that their wives have sex with them X times per week.

Rabbi Abraham Twerski calls this Fish Love. Here’s how the story goes:

An old fisherman goes down to the docks and sees a young man eating a steamed fish.

"Young man why are you eating that fish?” he asked.

The young man replies, "Because I love fish." 

“Oh, you love the fish? That’s why you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it? Don't tell me you love the fish...

“You love yourself, and because the fish tastes good to you, therefore you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it.”

So much of what is love, is fish love.

If you want to have true, lasting, meaningful love, it requires you to Stand On Your Own Two Feet.

That’s what I talked to Big Rich and DeAnne about this week. (Go leave a comment on the video, and you could get a free copy of their new book.)

Standing on your own two feet means you make an effort to show up as the very best husband or wife you can be…

… NOT because you get a “thank you,” or praise, or sex in exchange…

But because that’s the kind of partner you want to be.

It means learning to manage your own emotions – like anxiety, depression, or fear –  instead of managing other people’s behavior so you can avoid experiencing those emotions.

Go back and read that paragraph again. It was important.

It means cultivating interests, hobbies, and friends outside your marriage so you don’t lose your identity.

It means learning to say “no” when it’s appropriate, to set boundaries, and to communicate what you want – and deal with the anxiety that comes up when you say these things.

It means learning to love and accept your partner for who they are right now, even in the midst of the struggles and imperfections that cause you pain. Not holding out on your love and acceptance until they reach their potential.

Your marriage will not thrive if you rely on your partner to meet your needs, solve your problems, and soothe your wounded heart.

It will thrive when you develop the courage, awareness, and resilience to heal and care for yourself.

As David Schnarch says,

“Stop working on your marriage. Instead, let your marriage work on you.”

-Nate