Do you think your husband is a narcissist?
When you first met him, he was extremely likable.
He was charismatic, charming, and flirtatious.
Everyone who met him immediately liked him… and you felt like the luckiest girl in the world that he chose you.
Then, over time, things started to change.
You started to notice that most of your conversations revolved around his needs, his wants, and his accomplishments.
He didn’t seem to care as much about what was going on in your life. He rarely asked you questions that allowed for any deep emotional connection.
Life was good as long as his needs were met.
You started to plan your life around making sure he was happy… because if he wasn’t, he’d often lose his temper, or say things that would make you feel as if you’d done something wrong.
When you were hurting, he’d dismiss your emotions. And if he was the cause of your hurt, he’d somehow find a way to turn it around and make it your fault.
When things really started to get rough, you tried to talk to him about it.
Maybe you suggested you go to therapy.
He didn’t take that well. He was hypersensitive to anything even remotely resembling criticism.
He would withhold affection from you as punishment, or to gain leverage.
You noticed that he started to find pleasure in tearing you and other people down.
It seemed like the longer you were in the relationship, he was thriving more and more. You, on the other hand, seemed to get sicker and sicker.
You were exhausted, stressed, depressed, and sad. You felt like a shadow of your former self.
You started to wonder if you were the crazy one. “Maybe there’s something wrong with me… everyone seems to love him. He’s thriving. Maybe I’m the one who’s broken.”
You began to float through life feeling lonely, guilty, ashamed, invisible, unimportant…
You didn’t want to be judged.
You didn’t want to appear disloyal.
You believed that maybe this was a “phase,” or that it wasn’t a true reflection of his character.
You became a shadow of your former vibrant, caring self.
You lost the light in your eyes.
*DEEP BREATH*
Being married to a narcissist can be incredibly draining and difficult.
Recently I had a conversation with Wendy Behary. She’s a licensed clinical social worker who has specialized in working with narcissists and those in with relationships with narcissists.
She shared three powerful tips to help you deal with a narcissistic partner:
1. Get Help
Most people simply don’t have the tools and resources to navigate the complexities of a relationship with a narcissist.
If you want your relationship to survive and thrive, you will absolutely need to get help from a trained mental health professional. Specifically, someone who specializes in working with narcissists.
Don’t be afraid to ask a prospective therapist questions about the experience or training they have working with narcissists.
Ask them about their approach to treatment.
Ask them about any success stories they’ve experienced working with past clients in situations similar to yours.
Hiring the wrong therapist can actually cause more harm than good. So make sure you do your research here.
2. Be “Sturdy”
When you’re sturdy, you are grounded. Rooted. You don’t give in easily to the storms of life.
Being “sturdy” in relationship with a narcissistic partner means you have the self-control and self-respect to stand up for yourself without getting emotional or defensive.
When your partner loses his temper and flies off the handle, you can calmly but firmly look him in the eye and say, “I don’t appreciate being spoken to that way. That might work with other people, but it won’t work with me anymore. I’m going to go for a walk while you cool down. Let me know when you’re ready to speak to me with more respect.”
Being “sturdy” means you won’t let him bait you back into an unhealthy and unproductive cycle by escalating his emotions.
Being “sturdy” means that you care enough about your own emotions, experiences, and values that you will not allow them to be dismissed, ignored, or swept under the rug.
You cannot have a healthy relationship with a narcissist unless you are “sturdy.” (Which is why so many narcissists seek out partners who are “pleasers.” Those who will accept or even accomodate their selfish and entitled behaviors.)
Being “sturdy” is definitely a skill that can be learned and mastered over time, even if it doesn’t come naturally to you.
3. Use Leverage
Narcissists HATE being criticized.
They don’t like to be wrong.
They don’t like to accept help.
They despise staring their own weaknesses, insecurities, and faults in the face.
That means, inevitably, most narcissists will resist change – especially if it means meeting with a therapist to “talk” about things.
They’ll dismiss, invalidate, manipulate, and throw emotional fits to get out of it.
But you can get them to do the work… if you have leverage.
Behary says that most narcissistic people don’t respond to positive incentives like the rest of us.
“If you do this, you’ll get that,” doesn’t work for them.
What motivates a narcissist to change is fear of losing something.
Fear of losing reputation, privileges, status, or their relationship with you.
By clearly outlining the consequences of negative behaviors (and following through on those consequences), your partner will be spurred to action.
Behary recommends starting by saying something like, “I really love you, but the way things are going, I’m worried we may not have a future together. No matter how much I love someone, I just don’t think I can be in a relationship if I feel like this all the time. Something needs to change.”
As you stand your ground, remain “sturdy,” create clear consequences for poor behavior, and seek the help of a trained counselor, you can set yourself up for success.Need more information? Check out Wendy Behary’s website here, or you can get her book here.