Stonewalling is the 4th of the Four Horsemen of the Marriage Apocalypse. Here’s where you can catch the past installments that cover Criticism, Defensiveness, and Contempt.
Stonewalling is when you shut down, and completely tune your partner out. You act like you couldn’t care less about what they’re saying.
Men are famous for doing this. Statistics show that 85% of the time, the stonewaller is the man in the relationship.
It’s easy to jump to the conclusion that this is a conscious, antagonistic behavior men use to just push their partner’s buttons… but the reality is that Stonewalling is a natural reaction to emotional flooding - the feeling of complete overwhelm, and powerlessness to stop the emotional tidal wave.
It’s essentially a human’s way of playing dead in the hopes that a predator will give up the fight.
Here’s one of the best examples we’ve ever seen of stonewalling in a movie:
If you’re ever upset at your partner and they get that 1,000 yard stare on their face, that’s a sign that they’re stonewalling.
You can also check their body language for signs of stonewalling. If they’re turning away from you. If they’re making their body smaller by hunching over, or crossing their arms. Or if they’re noticeably avoiding eye contact, they might be feeling flooded and “playing dead.”
When interviewed, people who stonewall often say that they’re just trying calm down and not to make the situation worse. But despite the good intentions, stonewalling sends a loud message that you just don’t care. You’re checked out.
If you notice your partner doing this, it’s time to stop the conversation. Your partner will need some time to breathe, calm their nerves, get their adrenaline levels and heart rate down, and reset.
It would be helpful to have a conversation with them about what triggered the emotional flooding. Was it the topic? Was it the tone of the conversation? Was it the words that were used?
Identify what you can do together to have conflict conversations that don’t lead to emotional flooding and emotional shut-downs.
If you are prone to stonewalling, you can develop the skill of self-soothing. Learning how to breathe, relax, calm your thoughts and lower your heart rate in stressful moments will have a huge payoff for you.
Some people like to go for walks when they notice they are feeling emotionally flooded.
Some people listen to music, or work out. Some people just need to take a few minutes to meditate or breathe.
Learning to identify when you’re feeling flooded, and calm yourself quickly is a skill that will truly help your marriage in amazing ways.
How To Apply What You’ve Learned:
If you’ve noticed that stonewalling has been a problem in your relationship, have a conversation about what causes the emotional flooding, how to prevent it, and create a plan you can follow when it happens in the future. Get specific with your plan. Come up with a safeword you can use or a script you can follow. Setting clear rules about how to handle situations like this, then keeping the rules, will prevent the 4th Horseman from ever threatening your relationship.