Last week, New York Times bestselling author, Rachel Hollis, and her husband announced they are getting a divorce.
Why should you care?
Because whether you follow, admire, or even know who the Hollises are, there are some lessons to be learned in their failed relationship that could help you avoid their same fate.
Rachel and Dave are arguably the most popular self-help couple on the planet right now.
Rachel has written two New York Times bestselling books, “Girl, Wash Your Face,” and “Girl, Stop Apologizing.”
She is the host of a popular podcast titled “Rise.” And she hosts a second marriage-themed podcast with Dave called “Rise Together.”
And over the last several years, the Hollis’ have traveled the world sharing a message of “vulnerability,” “authenticity” and that you can create the life you want if you’re willing to put in the work to arenas full of devoted followers.
Despite secretly contemplating divorce for the past few years, they sold out arenas, and pricey marriage retreats under the guise that they had it all together. They were the #PowerCouple.
So, it’s no surprise that people felt betrayed and outraged when they announced their divorce.
Millions of people admired them and aspired to be like them, after all.
And, if this couple who talks openly about going to therapy, writes personal-development books, and hangs out with Oprah can’t make their marriage work… it begs the question… who can?
It’s a valid question.
The answer?
You can.
Here are 3 things you can do to help you a ridiculously awesome marriage:
You Need A Strong Foundation For Your Relationship
Renowned marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman says, “The simple truth is that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this, I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.”
Developing a strong friendship means you know what’s going on in your partner’s world.
You are curious about their fears, interests, hopes, and dreams. You know what they’re stressed about, and what they’re proud of. You know who the most important people in their life are.
You enjoy spending time with them. You see and acknowledge the good they bring into your life.
You trust each other. You have each other’s backs. You’re there for each other in a pinch.
Without a foundation of friendship, love can’t flourish.
In her book, “Girl, Wash Your Face,” Rachel talks about being in a relationship with a man who was manipulative and selfish. She breaks it off with him only to wake up the next morning and have him waiting at her door.
Turns out, that man was Dave.
Obviously I don’t have a window into their marriage… but based on that information, it sounds like their relationship started off on a foundation of manipulation, obsession, and infatuation. Not true friendship.
If you want to have a love that lasts, cultivate your friendship over everything else.
Your Marriage Dynamics Will Change... So Should You
Every couple goes through major transitions in their relationship. Some of them are planned, and some aren’t.
I remember coming home from a long day of work one day expecting dinner to be ready.
I found my wife laying on the couch, playing a game on her phone.
I got frustrated.
I almost always have dinner waiting for her on the days she works, and she typically does the same for me… but the last few nights it had been her turn, she’d flaked on me.
As we talked, I learned that the first trimester of pregnancy was more exhausting for my wife than she expected. She was just to wiped out to make dinner most evenings.
The dynamic of our relationship had shifted, and we hadn’t talked about it… and things would have kept getting worse until we did.
And the reality is that most couples don’t have those conversations.
The world outside their marriage changes, but they want everything inside their relationship to remain predictable and consistent.
That’s why things like loss of a job, an unexpected bout with depression, the death of a family member, extreme weight loss, a shift in religious beliefs, an unexpected windfall of cash, or any other major life transition can often send a marriage into a downward spiral.
If you can’t accept that roles and responsibilities need to shift when your circumstances change AND have a conversation about it, your marriage could be in trouble.
The Hollis family has undergone some MAJOR transitions over the last few years.
They’ve stepped into the spotlight where millions of people can freely judge, scrutinize, and publicly critique their choices and actions.
They’ve experienced massive growth in their business which can place major demands on their time and attention.
They’ve experienced unexpected financial success which often amplifies peoples’ character traits… both good and bad.
From the outside, a lot of these changes can appear really positive, and even make others envious.
But, inside the marriage, it can be a different story. The couple is exposed to a brand new set of stressors and problems, and an amplification of the issues they might have already been dealing with.
When the dynamic of your marriage shifts, it’s important for you to have the humility and the compassion required to dig in, adjust, and put your marriage above all else… even a multi-million dollar business.
(Unless something else is more important to you… like fame or money.)
Choose Your Mentors Wisely
A lot of people are upset with Dave and Rachel right now because they feel duped.
They looked up to the Hollises as mentors. Imperfect people who were willing to do the work, confront their imperfections and insecurities.
They were showing the rest of the world how marriage could be done, despite having issues and needing therapy.
Their fans are now realizing they got duped into developing a one-sided relationship with an influencer couple living a life of carefully-curated authenticity.
Don’t get me wrong, as a marriage researcher, I believe having a mentor for your marriage is a brilliant idea. One that I wish more people bought into.
Professional athletes have coaches.
CEOs have boards of directors.
Authors have editors.
A good mentor is will help you excel at anything that truly matters to you. They help you unlock your full potential.
And who doesn’t want to live up to their full potential in love?
But you’ve gotta be smart when you pick a mentor!
A true mentor is someone you can sit down and have a conversation with.
They know you and care about you as an individual (or couple)... not just as a follower.
They can dip into their library of past experiences and mistakes to help you succeed.
They live a life that inspires you, not because of the accomplishments they’ve achieved, but the character they’ve developed.
It’s fine to admire other people at a distance if you can use their lives as inspiration to make yourself better.
But it can be dangerous if that admiration tilts into the realm of hero-worship.
Comparison is, and always will be the thief of joy.
If another couple’s life as portrayed on social media becomes your benchmark for success, watching them will only make you miserable.
And on the flip side, if your hero falls short of your expectations or disappoints you… you’ll likely feel heartbroken and miserable.
Find a good mentor...
But don’t worship someone’s carefully curated social media feed.
There’s a lot to learn from Rachel and Dave Hollis right now.
Whether you’re feeling betrayed because you were a big fan who feels like you were lied to…
Or whether you’re a critic who has always thought the Hollises are complete frauds…
It might be tempting to throw stones, criticize, or judge them.
But, the best thing you can do right now is look for the lessons.
What can you learn from Rachel and Dave’s story that will make you a better person, or a better partner?
Now your turn. Are there lessons you can learn from the Hollises that I didn’t mention? Are there things you’ve learned from their example (whether good or bad) that has helped you grow?
Leave your thoughts in the comments!