Be The One That Causes Someone To Be Grateful That They Know You

Without being cliché or sounding cheesy, I truly have so much to be grateful for. I know. This is what we’re supposed to say even if we don’t mean it and even if our life really sucks. I can’t say that I’ve always been grateful for everything in my life: a divorced home to grow up in, divorce and infidelity running rampant throughout my family, sleeping in a different bed every night as I split time between my mom and dad’s house (a change made later in my childhood), two completely different environments in each home, an incessant and overwhelming need to keep everyone happy, an inability to make decisions because I was so worried about who was going to be mad, etc.

I’m very aware that people have had a much worse and damaging time growing up. I’m not whining, making comparisons or trying to one-up anyone. This is just my story, and really the foundation that put me on a path to gratitude.

It often takes some space and time to understand the impact of gratitude and the need to be grateful. But, as I have reflected back on my life and with the filter of gratitude, there is a decision that my dad made almost 30 years ago that significantly changed my life.

In the midst of the custody battle - and it was a battle - my dad was allowed to choose one day/evening during the week that he could have me. The original agreement was he would have me one day during the week plus every other weekend. The day he chose was Wednesday. Why was this significant? Because Wednesday was church night in our little Baptist church. By the time he got home from work, it was time for church, and by the time church was over, it was time to get ready for bed. In essence, my dad “gave up” his night with me so that I could be in church on Wednesday nights.

This may not seem like much, but it was huge for my dad and me. For my dad, I was his only child and this one night a week plus the alternating weekends were the only times he was able to see me.

I'm a dad of two little guys and don't have the extra pressure that comes with shared custody, and I often feel like I just don’t get enough time with my them. I honestly can’t imagine how tough it was for my dad to further decrease the face-to-face time with me. My dad, however, had recently turned back to Jesus, and for the first time in a few decades he started to walk with Him again. (Another benefit of the divorce process.) My dad believed very strongly that at my young age, it was vital that I was in church with him and my step mom, who also came to Christ in the midst of this process.

Why was this significant for me? At the time, I didn’t really know what was going on. All I really knew was that I had a new step-dad and step-mom, and that I was splitting time between two different homes. Church on Wednesday nights was just a blip on my radar given everything else that was happening. Four years later, after being in church often and ultimately understanding my absolute need for God’s forgiveness and transformation, I accepted Christ. I was 8.

I know I was young, but God got ahold of my little heart and life and changed me forever. Although I’m far from perfect, I’ve never been the same. It wasn’t my dad that “saved” me or talked me into anything. It was my dad that made a difficult, but intentional decision to put me on the best track possible after the life-altering divorce.

My dad has done so many things for me over the years and broke many unhealthy patterns he received from his dad. Things like never hearing his dad say he loved him. I can’t count how many times a day I heard him tell me that he loved me and was proud of me. My dad also received very little, if any affection from his dad. I was often embarrassed, in a good way, by how affectionate he was with me. We never left each other without an “I love you” and a kiss on the cheek. The list could go on and on, but I want you to understand how significant these decisions were that my dad made and how grateful I am that he made them. I don’t want to know where I would be without his love, willingness to sacrifice himself for me and his vision for what he believed God had for me and his desire to do everything within his power to ensure I reached that potential.

Not only have these things impacted my life in the past, but this gratitude has carried into my life as a husband and dad. You better believe I’m raising my boys to be grateful. And you better know that they hear me say I love them and am proud of them many times today. And you can rest assured that they get lots and lots of affection. Why? I’ve experienced how important these things are, and I want them to know the love that I knew as a boy. Oh, and more significantly, by the grace of God and only by His doing, over the last year and a half, both of them have accepted Christ and allowed him to change their little hearts and lives. Amazing!

No matter your past circumstances and your story today, we can find things to be grateful for. It took me years of reflection to realize many of these things. I encourage you to not wait so long, but to start this process now. And, if you really haven’t received the kinds of things I have, then be the one to break the patterns. No matter what is behind you, you can choose today to be the one that causes someone to be grateful that they know you; that you are their husband; that you are their mom; that you were their friend.

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] Jackson Dunn is the Director of Marriage and Family Formation at Focus on the Family where directs the programs, strategies and initiatives of the Marriage Division seeking to provide resources for couples preparing for marriage, to enrich the lives of married couples and to help couples in crisis. He was formerly the Director of University Ministries at the Center for Relationship Enrichment on the campus of John Brown University. In this position, he taught relationships courses, oversaw a national student assessment, directed a national couples retreat program, and helped developed a community premarital and marriage program.

Want to get the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge sent to your email inbox every day? Fill out this little form here:

[gravityform id="2" name="Subscribe" title="false" description="false"]

Photo credit: Lars Ploughmann

[/jbox]

My Ex-Girlfriend Is A @*&#! - Getting From Blame to Gratitude

Warning, disclaimer! I’m going say some things and use a couple words in this article that might offend you. Don’t keep reading if you’re not up for it. Really. Stop right now. There’ll be another piece about gratitude that you can read and it probably won’t offend you at all. You can read that one instead. With that said, the reason you’re reading these words is because my friend Nate Bagley has asked me to create a piece for his 30 day Gratitude Challenge. For those of you who don’t know Nate personally I’d like to fill you in. Nate is an amazing man. The moment I met him, Christmas of 2013, I knew there was something special about him.

It wasn’t just because of his backstory, the fact that he’d hit the road to seek out, document, and share powerfully beautiful hopeful stories of love from across the United States. Neither was it the fact that my sister had a crush on him, so therefore he must be a pretty cool dude.

It was his presence. When I spoke to him he was there with me. His voice is solid and clear. He knows the work he’s doing is powerful and he owns it. When I asked him how much amazingness was possible within a relationship (having been wondering this to myself for quite a while) he responded, with no trace of hesitation, “Amazing, incredible relationships are possible. They’re real. Let me tell you a story…”

Knowing Nate has profoundly impacted my work and life. He’s inspired me to take bold steps forward and I’m so grateful to know him. I hope one day you’ll get to meet him too.

Oh, and if you didn’t know, Nate is creating a Love Coaching practice. Nate is a love expert. He’s interviewed hundreds of couples across the US and I know for a fact that his work has already impacted the lives of many, many people, whether single, dating, partnered, whatever. This man is doing amazing work. Marriages will be healed, parties will be thrown, and lots of really amazing sex will be had. You can see if coaching with Nate will be a good fit by taking this quick survey. I’m so stoked that he’s stepping it up and offering this service to individuals and couples. So stoked.

So… a piece about gratitude. Where should I even start?

I think I’ll start by telling you what’s true for me in this moment.

I’m on a bus.

Powerful, right?

Ok, there's more to it than that. At this very moment I’m leaving the house I’ve been in for 10 years and the city where I’ve lived for 12.

I realized last night just how much I’ve grown during the time I’ve been here. When I arrived I was in the midst of a powerful depression. I was suicidal, shut down, and almost totally disconnected from my sense of self-power. I was a shell of a man.

12 years later I’m IN LOVE with my life! I’m present with my experience in each moment. I’m in touch with my body. It’s my guide and the more fully I allow myself to feel all that there is to feel the better my life gets. I’m engaged in passionate romantic relationships with amazing women. These relationships are honest, emotionally clean, communicative, and quite free of expectation. I smile lots and laugh deep, resonant laughs that come out from my belly and fill up my whole body. I’m doing powerfully healing work. The kind I’d be doing even if I didn’t get paid for it. I choose my schedule and I choose to work with inspiring, authentically powerful clients.

I’m really, really happy.

And the best part of it all is that I know I get to be even happier. I choose not to limit my happiness. I get to have as much of it as I decide I’m worth having!

I’d like to tell you a piece of my story, a pivotal component of my transformation from empty and suicidal to deeply fulfilled.

This story begins with an ending. What ended was a relationship. We were together for about 2 1/4 years. We split up a while back.

And you know what? I’m still kind of pissed off at her. And when I say “kind of” it probably means “really”.

You see, I have an anger problem. It’s not the kind you’re thinking about. It’s the kind where I can’t tell when I’m angry and instead cover up how I really feel and end up people pleasing, wallowing in indecisiveness, and passive-aggressing (yes, I just made that into a verb).

So anyway, I’m really pissed at her. I think about all the times she got so angry at me for practically nothing. She yelled at me, she threw tantrums, she wouldn’t let me out of conversations that I didn’t want to be in. She was the biggest hypocrite I’ve ever met. Really. I can’t even count the number of times she practically turned around and did the same thing she just got done throwing a fit at me for doing.

Our relationship felt like a shit show about half the time. She pushed my buttons, expected me not to push hers, and then expected me to calm her down when I failed at that.

She was bossy, demanding, overly self confident, irrational when upset, and unappreciative.

She was an asshole.

I’ve used the word “bitch” before, in confidential counseling sessions. I’m absolutely NOT going to use that word here.

And I know I know that your level of respect for me probably just instantly dropped. I know that you’re probably judging me, perhaps heavily, for how I’m judging my ex-girlfriend. And you might be thinking that I’m a misogynistic asshole who walks around slinging sexist slurs at women who rub me the wrong way.

But I’m owning this shit. I am a complex human being. I contradict myself constantly and thoroughly. And this complexity is beautiful. Our rough edges are what give others something, anything, to hold onto. When we’re all smoothed over people try to grasp us, to know us, and we slip away because they have nothing to hold onto. There is no room for relationship when vulnerability and shadow are not acknowledged and invited to sit down at the table with all the other guests.

And here’s the turnaround.

The amazing life, career, laughs from deep inside my belly that fill up my chest and my whole body, the amazing relationships I now get to have… all of it I owe to her.

Literally and truly.

I know the changes I make ultimately come from within me, but if it weren’t for her I’d still be partially fulfilled, settling for ok, out of touch with my passion and body, and running the same self defeating emotional patterns that I’d already been running for so many years.

She is the most amazing, present, and (emotionally) intelligent woman I’ve ever been in relationship with. By leagues and by miles.

And know that I use the word “woman” very intentionally. Because she is. She is a brilliant example of what it means to be a woman who leans into and owns her personal power.

This is really what hooked me in the first place. It wasn’t the fact that she was and still is a total hotttie. It wasn’t how well she kissed. It wasn’t how smart she was and is about business. It wasn’t her unique and entrancing sense of style.

In this woman I saw something extremely special. I craved it, from deep inside me. I noticed a fierce anxiety/excitement. What would it mean to bring such a powerful force into my life? My body drew me forward. I had only an inkling of what lay in store for me OR for her.

Relationships occur because we see something in somebody else that we already have inside, but that we’ve lost access to. We see that this person can show us how to get back in touch with the parts that are who we truly are.

Is this THE truth? No. But it’s my truth. At least in this moment. I may change my mind later on…

So I dove in.

Who she was being pushed swiftly and quickly up against my boundaries. Except in so many ways I didn’t consciously know where my boundaries were.

So I dove in some more. I felt the intensity of our passion and the whirlwind of our conflict. I opened up to it. I let it in me.

I consciously chose to make myself available, for the first time in my life, to the full range of experience. Passion. Fury. Contentment. Sadness. Guilt. Joy.

I threw myself into the middle of the ocean with her. Sometimes the seas were calm and pleasant and sometimes they crashed over me unceasingly. I swam confidently in moments and I floundered completely in others.

And now it’s over. We chose to end it. The image that comes to me is of a rock at the shore of the ocean. In some moments the waves murmur and caress the rock. In others they leap up and come crashing fiercely back down upon it. But a rock is a rock and it will not budge, it will only become smoother and more beautiful with time.

I am now that rock. I feel its presence, peace, confidence inside me. Through our relationship I discovered my power, my sense of Who I Truly Am. It’s beautiful. I’m beautiful. And I’m so grateful for it all.

This woman is a marvel. She has made some very important choices about who she is being, what kind of life she is living, and what kinds of relationships she is creating. She is really smart. She is in her body.

She is a powerful healer. The work she’s done has DIRECTLY impacted thousands of people. Her friends, customers, and clients are taking the gift that she has offered them and are passing it on to THEIR communities. She’s inspiring. She’s bold. She is unapologetically herself and how she expresses it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed.

Earlier in this piece I told you all the stuff that pissed me off about my ex-girlfriend, this incredible woman. I basically called her a bitch. I told you all the messed up things she did and all the different ways she hurt me.

There’s a secret I want to let you in on. I’m a human animal! I have emotions!

When I believe the thoughts that my fear creates I live from a victim mentality and digging, sexist, hurtful epithets come up and out from inside me.

While it can be useful to express and honor my shadow side I also feel in the center of my being that living from victim and blame is a powerful poison.

I also know, from this place of wisdom-beyond-words, that gratitude is the antidote.

I practice gratitude. And yes, it is a practice. It’s a choice I choose to make over and over and over again. Consciously. My life is beautiful beyond words for it. I have deep relationships with my parents and sisters, deeper still with every passing week. I have strong relationships with my community. Each person means so much to me and I let them know it.

I’ve written notes of appreciation to roommates, sang songs to lovers and friends, spoken or emailed or texted to clients, smiled to strangers, asked genuine questions of curiosity to acquaintances. I have a million different ways of acknowledging and appreciating the person who’s in front of me or on my mind. I make it a practice to notice when I’m feeling appreciative and then to take action and let them know.

Feeling upset today? Call someone up and appreciate them. Write down a list of ways you notice them being and how they’ve impacted your life. Call them up. Read it to them. I can pretty much guarantee that you will both walk away from the conversation with a deepened connection and big smiles on your faces. The world will seem closer to you. The colors will be more vivid. You’ll feel that swelling sense of fulfillment that our bodies yearn for.

Earlier on I told you that this story began with an ending. That’s not really true though. Things aren’t over, nothing’s ended. Things just shifted. We stopped holding on to our stories about who the other person was or might be. In this moment I don’t know exactly what she and I are or what we’re doing, but it IS something.

I look forward to what our future together holds. Even if it means we don’t talk. That’s still a choice we make in how we will relate with each other. It’s a relationship still.

See, gratitude/true appreciation, is a continual process of letting go. It’s letting go of the projections that we put onto others and the stories we tell ourselves about what we must settle for or how so and so did us wrong. It’s letting go of the safety patterning that we took on as children, the places where we learned to close off and protect our tender, loving child-hearts.

Gratitude means doing the personal work it takes to open back up. It can be scary. It can make us feel like we’re dying. But I’ve shed and seen shed a lot of tears. I’ve been with others as they shook violently as long-locked emotions poured out of them, sometimes for the first time in their lives. They felt like they would literally die. And they didn’t. The opposite came true. Openness. Power. Peace.

Gratitude is about noticing. It’s paying attention to the thing that attracts you to another and then speaking that truth.

You get to do it with yourself too. It’s noticing just how far you’ve come since 1, 3, 14 years ago and letting in the truth that you are exactly where you ought to be. Know too that there is even better yet to come.

Gratitude is about curiosity. It’s a yearning to know yourself and others more deeply and intimately than you currently do.

Gratitude is simple. All it takes is a few words, a loving touch, or an act of kindness.

Gratitude is a practice. That means you do it once. And then another time. And then another time. Each time you do it you get better at it. That’s what happens when we practice things.

Gratitude is powerful. It has already and will continue to change your own and your loved ones’ lives.

Here, I’ll model:

Thank you for being with me through the end of this piece. I probably don’t know you and you probably don’t know me (yet), but the fact that you’re here means that we share a connection. There’s something that draws us closer together. It’s special and I am so honored to share this connection with you. I’ve shared extremely vulnerably with you. Thank you so much for honoring my vulnerability.

That you’re connected with The Loveumentary means you’re on the path. It’s happening right now. I want to let you know that I notice this in you.

You’re beautiful.

Thank you.

My bus ride is almost over. My new life is just around the corner. I can’t wait to see what the future holds!

And one more time, thank you. With love, Bob Schwenkler

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] If you’d like to learn more about Bob and the work he does in supporting authentically powerful and loving men in living fully on-purpose and passionate lives please visit his website at bobschwenkler.com. (This is Nate now: Seriously people, Bob has been an amazing coach to me, and has helped me grow in ways I never thought I would. I am more authentically myself because of him. Get to know this man.) Want to get the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge sent to your email inbox every day? Fill out this little form here:

[gravityform id="2" name="Subscribe" title="false" description="false"]

[/jbox]

How To Make It Feel Like Rays of Sunshine Are Bursting Out Of Your Chest!

Last year, an unexpected thing started to happen during an ordinary moment in my day. It was grey and almost rainy, the kind of day that’s typical as the season approaches winter. But I felt like walking sunshine, as though rays of light were physically bursting out from my chest. I was having my own version of a Care Bear stare.

“What is going on?”, I asked myself with curiosity. For sure, I was in a good mood. But feeling a strong physical flow of energy through and out of my heart and calling it sunshine? It seemed a bit over the top.

Then it started happening more often. When I laid on my back feeling the grass beneath me as I soaked in the sun, or when I admired a bouquet of flowers. Without warning, I would find my heart swelling with massive amounts of appreciation for the present moment.

One day, while driving and completing work errands, it struck again. I became so aware of how absolutely awesome it was to have a functioning, reliable car. A car I never worried about breaking down or being unavailable. Here I was, getting all emotional about my car, when normally I’d be lamenting the music on the radio or the not so courteous drivers out and about. What was happening to me?

It turns out, I had cracked myself open to feeling gratitude.

I understood gratitude and very much appreciated it, but for the longest time it resided in my mind as thoughts and words. The whole heart bursty thing? Only once in a while and just for those big, special moments.

But as I began to warm from the numbness I used to cope with living an unfulfilled life, I started to feel again, more than I had ever before, and about everything.

Gratitude became an experience of the heart, involving surrender and presence.

On gratefulness.org, the late Angeles Arrien writes, “Gratitude is essentially the recognition of the unearned increments of value in one’s experience—the acknowledgment of the positive things that come our way that we did not actively work toward or ask for.”

Hell, yes! Every day, I am bestowed so many things that simply aren’t owed to me. I surrender to the notion that many of the factors that contribute to what I feel is a blessed life are completely beyond my doing.

It is by great fortune I was born in a country that values my contribution not as a woman, but as an equal person. I live five minutes from beautifully landscaped parks, paths and water where I take walks every day. My neighborhood has an abundance of inexpensive flowers stands meaning I get to fill my home with beauty all year long.

I didn’t choose to be born in this country, I don’t maintain the parks and I certainly don’t grow the flowers, yet every day I enjoy the value it adds to my life. I am damn lucky and discounting any of it would be entitled and foolish.

Recognizing and seeing everything as a gift has made life so much richer and more fulfilling. Viewing life through this lens has deepened the empathy, love and compassion I feel for others. I am compelled to give selflessly and freely, because hoarding what was never really mine to begin with just isn’t how it works.

Most importantly, learning to live presently has opened the door to feeling gratitude at full strength, any time I choose. I don’t have to wait for those BIG, MEANINGFUL things to happen anymore because it can all be had in the smallest, simplest moments. As my noisy thoughts slip away, I tune in to the reality of the moment. My heart takes centre stage, expressing its awe of all that surrounds me, and off I go with my Care Bear stare.

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] Cassie Leung is a Certified Integral Associate Coach™, creative and everyday human. As a coach she is heart-fully dedicated to creating safe spaces where she works with remarkable individuals to expand in beautiful and meaningful ways. She shares her experiences and the occasional creative project on her blog in hopes of inspiring others to shine bright as the perfect people they are.

Want to get the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge sent to your email inbox every day? Fill out this little form here:

[gravityform id="2" name="Subscribe" title="false" description="false"]

[/jbox]

All I Want Is For Things To Be "Normal"

A few years back, my mom was in a coma for a month after a surgery-gone-bad, in the absolute fight of her life. As I stood by her bed, overwhelmed by fear and muted by grief, I watched her tiny body grasp each breath through her ventilator tube. I softly gripped her hand, desperately praying for the slightest squeeze back. Scenes flashed of her scolding me for carelessly knocking my milk on the table, or walking in on her sneaking into Christmas presents she had no patience to refrain from. Or the time she adopted a puppy and told me to tell dad she found it on the side of the road.

And in that moment, all I wanted was for things to be normal.

I wanted one more conversation in which she would repeat the same story, and I could roll my eyes because I’d heard it a hundred times. I yearned to hear her complain about how my dad snuck out to McDonalds and she found Big Mac wrappers hidden in the truck again.

Mom did make her way back to us, and each week she’s here almost feels as if it’s stolen time. My appreciation for our laughter and embrace has deepened, but further, so has my affection for the routine and the inevitably frustrating.

This experience translated to other aspects of life where I began to crave the everyday annoyances, the uneventfulness, and the taken-for-granted absence of pain. I thirsted for the familiar ebbs of life, even the trivial or slightly obnoxious.

I began to be profoundly grateful for all the little things. To be thankful for life when it's still, and to see the beauty in life's unembellished.

Contrary to always chasing the next achievement or pursuit of the constant emotional high, I've learned when life is handing me its biggest test, I want those bare simplicities.

Savoring a stolen bite of coconut ice cream from the freezer. Sustained eye contact during a conversation. The calm wash of a long, deep breath.

The awareness of my basic health.

No, these aren't Olympic medal wins. They aren't made-for-TV love story endings. They aren't large acquisitions in business.

But in each day, I can be utterly grateful for even the most seemingly modest.

And past challenges and tribulations have given me not only strength and growth, but more importantly, a set point in which to continually remind myself, that sometimes that which is normal is the prize.

Because if getting engaged, or receiving a promotion, or making the NY Times Bestseller list are the euphoric moments to live for, the constant chase for these pinnacle events can mean an unfulfilled in-between. And that's where life is lived.

I want to party because it's a random Tuesday and because life deserves that kind of celebrating.

Each day that I practice this level of gratitude allows me to show up differently. Rather than live in sporadic fear or constant seeking, I show up fully present in the subtleties. Instead of fast-forwarding to the next vacation or big life event, I am happy that an amazing man walks through the door at 5:30 every day to greet me.

Rather than place expectations on my significant other to make grand best-selling novel gestures or buy me lavish gifts, I appreciate the times where he doesn’t have to, but does. Where small acts of kindness or his hand on my thigh on long car rides is enough.

That he pulled weeds with my mom in the garden.

Or that he loves my overly-detailed descriptions of bodily fluids when I'm ill.

That he texted me how good his lunch is, even though it was last night’s leftovers.

Or that his occasional snores transform from annoying to the soothing sound of someone who's next to me when my mind spins.

I'm thankful in the underlying knowledge that even when life will present its biggest sorrows, he's going to be there. Not in a Superman cape or with all the right things to say, but quietly holding my hand.

Yet sometimes that gratitude comes at the end of a painful argument that eventually pushes us to grow and be humbled.

Living with this flowing dispenser of gratitude means that each day is littered with dozens upon dozens of micro-moments of joy and happiness. It means I no longer have to chase, to prove, or live in strangling expectations.

And gratitude has the power to change the small, uneventful, and less-than-savory times into those we want to embrace.

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] Jean is a soul-builder on a daily journey to become a better version of herself and develop and inspire those around her. As an entrepreneurial-minded writer, mentor and speaker, she writes about sales, life and beer on her blog. Follow her at @JeanOnTap.

Want to get the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge sent to your email inbox every day? Fill out this little form here:

[gravityform id="2" name="Subscribe" title="false" description="false"]

[/jbox]

Curiosity + Gratitude = Joyful Authentic Connection

Someone: “You were right.” Me: “I’m sorry, what was that? I couldn’t quite hear you...”

Someone: “You were right.”

Me: “Oh, I was RIIIIIIGHT!” *insert condescending chuckle here* “I told you so. Never doubt me.”

Have you ever said, “I told you so” to someone? Did you feel totally validated and in-your-face-victorious! after you said it? I certainly have and I certainly did. Up until a few years ago, I used to REALLY relish being right, and I also loved rubbing people’s noses in my right-ness. I thought that “proving my worth” to people via being right would mean that I was worth something...that I was worth loving...and I was gravely mistaken in that belief.

Worthiness is not tied to right-ness. Because I doubted my worthiness, I attempted to prove it to people by being right. I didn’t see that my strong desire to be right [read: externally validated] was actually just pushing people away.

Everyone on the planet is born worthy of love and remains worthy of love for the entirety of their life. I have finally embraced this as a fact, and as a result, my whole outlook on life has changed. Instead of attempting to prove my worthiness through being right, I now stick to choosing love and letting things go. I don’t verbally fight to the death over things that don’t matter anymore [and here’s a secret: most of the stuff I used to fight to the death over didn’t really matter to begin with!].

This has completely changed my relationship with my husband, Eric. I used to think that there was only ONE way to do everything: MY WAY. My way was obviously the most efficient and logical and strategic way to do it...so that was clearly the best and only way.

Yikes...not much room for collaboration with a mindset like that operating in a relationship, is there? I can answer that question from firsthand experience: no, no room for collaboration at all. Well then, what’s the point of choosing to share my life with someone if I’m not open to his contribution? No point, really...I might as well be dating myself.

Luckily for me, Eric has stood by me as I’ve shifted away from the, “I’m always right” mindset and toward a more curious mentality of, “Teach me how you see the world and how you process things...share your thoughts and beliefs with me so I can understand you better.”

This shift in my disposition has created an extraordinary shift in our relationship. Instead of seeing him as wrong when he sees things differently than I do, I get curious about his point of view. By choosing to be grateful for our differences, I’ve opened my eyes to the authentic Eric, instead of attempting to make him another me.

And my goodness, he is interesting! *insert goofy grin here*

I’m fascinated by the way that he sees the world, and his perspective on life has helped me to let go of a lot of my old limiting beliefs. Eric and I have different views on a lot of things, and instead of categorizing our views as right vs. wrong, I now see them as two valid views, and thereby expand my outlook on life and the world. Choosing curiosity and gratitude over right-ness and judgment has taken our relationship to a level of connectedness that I didn’t even know existed!

Below are some actions you can take to help you choose curiosity and gratitude in your interactions with others:

1. First things first: stay focused on your desired outcome and eliminate “I told you so” from your vocabulary - when you operate from a place of genuinely wanting the best for others, you won’t need the validation of saying “I told you so” if the advice you gave them worked out...you’d just be happy for that person because they had a positive outcome, regardless of where the advice came from. A desire to say “I told you so” comes from the I’m-not-good-enough insecurity, and causes you to seek out external validation. Focus on supporting the other person in manifesting what they truly want, instead of making it about you being right.
2. Pay attention to your body - right-ness brings with it a physical response...it might be a knot in your stomach, heat rising up your face, a tightness in your chest, a combination of these feelings, or something else altogether. Whatever it is, stay aware of your body and notice when it starts to engage in “fight or flight” mode. Take a moment to BREATHE...take a few breaths and think through what’s happening inside of you. What thoughts have brought up these physical feelings? Is your not-good-enough insecurity bringing up the desire to “prove” your worthiness? Acknowledge your physical response and then...
3. Get curious, ask questions, and reevaluate - instead of spewing your own opinion all over a conversation, get curious about other people’s perspectives. Seek to know more about their point of view, and be open to changing your own point of view as a result of hearing theirs. There’s no shame in changing your mind about things, and the more open you are to other perspectives, the more well-rounded and accepting your view of the world will be. Stay committed to learning and growing, instead of holding on to being right. Reevaluate your own position, and if you do change your opinion and someone throws an “I told you so” your way...welcome it with the truth, “Yep...you did. Thank you for sharing your perspective with me.” :) Remember that their “I told you so” isn’t about you, it’s about their insecurity, so don’t let the potential for an “I told you so” stop you from open-mindedly evaluating and reevaluating all sides of the coin.
4. Choose gratitude and fascination - no two people are the same...even identical twins have different likes and dislikes. Instead of judging a difference in perspective as being a negative thing, choose to be grateful for learning a new way of looking at the world. Be fascinated by the incredible diversity of the human race, and by how people can view the world so differently. I firmly believe that everyone is making the best choice they can, given the awareness they have in that moment, and that’s what makes this life so interesting!

Sending you love on your journey through life!

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] Nicole is a personal growth blogger and a photographer. Her life’s mission is to live authentically, connect wholeheartedly, and share openly. She’s married to her best friend, and because of the love they’ve created, Nicole knows that true love is way better than the stuff of fairy tales.

Want to get the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge sent to your email inbox every day? Fill out this little form here:

[gravityform id="2" name="Subscribe" title="false" description="false"]

[/jbox]

Stop Waiting To Enjoy Life - Enjoy The Moments As They Come

As a new student and young father I had to work my butt off to keep up with school, family, work and all the other responsibilities that I had. I was working two part time jobs just to make ends meet and I was in school full time so I could graduate on time and move on to grad school. Times were tough and money was tight. I had to work hard just to keep my head above water. Some months we didn’t make it and had to go without some things. This was the hardest for me as a father. At these times I felt like a real loser and a failure. I felt like I wasn’t living up to my end of the deal in my family. Because money was tight, I had to make sure I stayed at the top of my class so I could go to a good graduate program that would allow me to demand a strong income in my first job. So I put a lot of time into studying. And in the mean time I put as much time into my two jobs as I could so I could pay the rent and buy diapers.

My daughter was less than a year old and didn’t know what our financial situation was. Being that young, she didn’t really care. But her big brown eyes and her innocence made me want to work harder at school and at work just to make sure that she would have everything she needed. My wife didn’t really care about our finances, either. Somehow we continued to get by. But for me it was miserable.

As a poor college student and young father working and studying so hard I found myself in the throes of a full blown, self-inflicted anxiety disorder. I had so many balls I was juggling at once that I planned my time in 15 minute increments. I developed a nervous habit of always checking my watch. Homework took about 2 hours a night - unless a paper was due then it was 2 hours and 45 minutes a night that week. It took about 15 minutes to drive to work. If I got a flat tire or someone showed up late to relieve my shift at work, I had to push back whatever family event was happening that weekend to make up for lost time. If I showed up late for work, it was X amount out of my paycheck (I knew exactly how much it was after tax back then) and I needed to make up for it by staying late. If there was a birthday (or, gasp, Christmas) that month I had to work a couple extra shifts and that meant I had to find time to my homework who-knows-when. I learned that necessities like sleeping and eating were really just added bonuses that people didn’t need that much of – or so I thought.

I was in the thick of things and couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hardly saw my wife and baby because I was too busy trying to provide for them. For me, life was work. And not the leisurely kind where you could browse your computer while you do it. It was hard, exhausting, and consuming. I had to get ahead and stay ahead. This is all I could see and it was going to be this way for a while – at least until I graduated grad school in a few years.

Fast forward a few years and thankfully I have overcome those feelings and thoughts that once consumed me. But it’s not because I finally made the income that I was aiming for – I haven’t. It’s because I deliberately let go of the pretension and consumerism and the constant striving to attain things and status.

Instead of waiting for someday to enjoy life I’m able to enjoy life’s moments as they come. I’ve slowed down, smelled the roses and am enjoying pieces of life one simple moment at a time. There were a lot of realizations that I had to come to during my journey In order for me to stop wishing for someday and enjoy the moments as they come. Perhaps the most important realization I had was the role gratitude plays in living a fulfilling and rewarding life.

Gratitude was what was missing.

As I was going through the throes of my anxiety and working my butt off for someday, I never gratefully appreciated the beauty that was around me. I was absorbed in living the American dream – an external standard that society told me I should be trying to attain, instead of looking inside myself and finding what would make me the most happy and bring me the feelings of satisfaction that are truly fulfilling for me. I thought that society would somehow magically give this to me after I achieved the status I was aiming for. But I realized that satisfaction isn’t given to you. I found it within myself through gratitude.

I realized that in my desire to achieve and always wanting more that I never noticed the great things that were around me and right in front of me. I would get stressed out when I got a flat tire and felt resentful that I didn’t have a better car instead of appreciating the fact that I had a car that could haul me at 65mph to wherever I needed to go. Sure, life isn’t all cherry drops and gum drops and I still have crap things that happen. But in the meantime, it’s gratitude that makes my life fulfilling and rewarding.

There are many gratitudes I discovered along the way that help me to find happiness no matter what my circumstances are:

1. I’m grateful to live in a country where the bare necessities (water, electricity, etc) are easy to come by. I realize I’m very privileged to have this and I’m grateful for it.
2. I’m grateful for poetry, music and art that give life its extra flavor.
3. I’m grateful that poetry, music and art are free on the radio, TV and in secondhand books that cost pennies.
4. I’m grateful for friends and family who love me for me. Who don’t care what I wear, what music I listen to or what income tax bracket I’m in. They simply love me for me and I love them for them. And together we have a friendship that’s more rewarding than prestige or monetary success.
5. I’m grateful for a country that protects its citizens and has laws in place to help them achieve, succeed and live in safety.
6. I’m grateful for children and their smiles that warm you up no matter how bad of a day you’ve had.
7. I’m grateful for nature and its many wonders and beauties. I’m grateful for easily accessible parks, streams and other places that I can enjoy the magnificent wonders of nature.

Most of all, I’m grateful for others. I’m surrounded by people who genuinely care about little old me with no reward for themselves. They have found something inherently good about me and love me for it. They don’t have to, they choose to. And for that I will always be grateful. It’s the love for me that I see in their eyes that truly brightens my day and makes me feel important.

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"]

Aaron Anderson is a Marriage and Family Therapist and owner of The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO. He also writes for several great relationship websites including the one you’re reading now, FamilyShare.com and the Huffingtonpost. He gives expert relationship information on his own blog RelationshipRx.net where you can get information for all your important relationship needs.

Want to get the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge sent to your email inbox every day? Fill out this little form here:

[gravityform id="2" name="Subscribe" title="false" description="false"]

[/jbox]

Be Grateful For This Moment, This Moment Is Your Life!

The power of gratitude is simply AMAZING! We have definitely experienced gratitude’s power first hand many times throughout our lives. In fact, we believe in gratitude so much, we even created a whole blog category on our photography website dedicated to gratitude. Recently, it was the unexpected gratitude of a reader of our site AMAZING LifeTogether that truly blew us away.

Before we share that story, we need to give a little bit of the back-story of AMAZING Life Together first. My wife Liz and I have been wedding photographers for 5+ years now. Having photographed 100+ weddings, we’ve had the amazing opportunity to celebrate and document one of life’s most amazing moments, getting married, with some really amazing couples.

However, we’ve also seen a lot of the hype and materialism the wedding industry has placed on a single day. Each of our couples is truly special to us and we wanted to help them not only have an amazing wedding but also an amazing marriage and life together.

To do so we started the AMAZING Life Together site. Our goal was simply to inspire couples to do more of the things that made them fall in love with each, create an open line of communication about what marriage is like, and to show that even if things do get tough it’s still possible and worth it to work through those challenges to create an AMAZING Life Together.

As we put more and more time and more and more effort into the development of our site, we began to wonder if we were really making a difference in people’s lives. Or if anyone was even reading and watching what we were creating.

A few months back we were letting the fear and doubt monsters really get to us. They made us wonder if our efforts were worth continuing. And then we received this email that rocked our world with gratitude:

“You are saving my marriage. Literally. He wouldn't go to marriage counseling & I was on my way out. But he has been doing this challenge with me and it has us communicating again & more importantly, connecting. You have no idea what this means to us. You guys are doing amazing work & I am so grateful to have found you.” –Wife, Atlanta, GA

That simple email of gratitude, just 62 words, erased any doubts and fears we had. We knew in that moment that if we were able to help save one couple’s marriage, then no matter what, AMAZING Life Together was more successful than we ever could have dreamed it to be. Simple messages like that have continually given us the energy and passion to continue our AMAZING Life Together mission.

Our own experience isn’t unique. In fact there are numerous studies that have shown how powerful just being and feeling grateful can be.

According to a Wall Street Journal Article Published in 2010:

Adults who frequently feel grateful have more energy, more optimism, more social connections and more happiness than those who do not, according to studies conducted over the past decade. They're also less likely to be depressed, envious, greedy or alcoholics. They earn more money, sleep more soundly, exercise more regularly and have greater resistance to viral infections.

One of our favorite studies was an experiment in which participants keep gratitude journals.

Those who kept gratitude journals on a weekly basis exercised more regularly, reported fewer physical symptoms, felt better about their lives as a whole, and were more optimistic about the upcoming week – Gratitude: A Key to Happiness

In Nate’s original introduction to the 30-Day Gratitude Challenge he suggested starting and keeping your own gratitude journal. It turns out he was really onto something! J If you haven’t started your own journal, start today, it’s never to late.

The last thing we want to leave you with is something we think about often when we start feeling down or if we are failing to see as Nate says “the good in life.”

We all have one life, and no matter what, in this moment we have a choice that we can make. We can choose to be grateful and happy. Or we can choose not to be.

We choose gratitude and happiness.

What will you choose?

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] Liz and Ryan are millennials, story tellers, wedding photographers, dream believers and AMAZING life inspirers. They are high school sweethearts, married for 7 years, and business partners for 5. Their dream is to inspire all couples to live a more AMAZING Life Together. Click here to learn more.

[/jbox]

What You Actually "Do" When You Say, "I Do"

From the moment I said “I do” on August 3, 2006, I really had no idea what I was going to have to actually “do” over the next eight years of my life. Yes, I chose him in sickness and in health, for rich or for poor, for better or worse (mostly “better” because as a newlywed, you don’t really anticipate just how bad things can be nor how “worse” they can become). What was somehow left out in my vows was, “Do you choose and commit to him through years of sexual challenge? Do you choose and commit to him while you both struggle in the uncharted territory of parenting? Do you choose and commit to him when you feel emotionally and spiritually a thousand miles apart?”

My story of gratitude begins on the best and the hardest day of my life -- the day I made it metaphorically to the base of Mount Everest. I abruptly realized that I don’t just get to set-up camp there and reconnoiter for a few months before making the climb. No, with the words “I do” my ascent began, ready or not (mostly not). Staring up at the daunting mountain, I reminded myself that I willingly choose to climb it with no training or experience; but ,thankfully, not without a guide or guides.

Gratitude and willingness have been my guides.

Like most people, I did not come from a childhood free from dysfunction. However, I also didn’t come from a childhood devoid of love. Thanks to the combination of both, I sought out therapy early in my life. I saw it as a positive for me and a way to learn and grow. I was going through therapy while dating different guys, always hoping to find my “one.” I had a general list of traits and qualities that I was looking for, but always wanted something deeper than “someone who can wakeboard” (one of my life’s passions.) I always knew that one day that wakeboarding champion could get injured, get old, or grow out of being a wakeboarder like other surface traits.

Through the gift of therapy, I learned that everyone has his or her crap. Everyone. This helped me conclude that I needed to find some “one” who would be willing to do “the work,” some “one” who wanted to climb Everest with me and recognized that we would need to confront challenges, dysfunctions, trials and growth edges.

Through many heartbreaks for which I am thankful, I met guys who wanted the great relationship without the work -- or expected that if it were really true love it would just work. Somehow, I knew that naïve approach simply wasn’t going to work. Call me a romantic pessimist, but when choosing to meld my life with someone else’s, I erred on the side of realism rather than romantic ideals. I finally found my “one” – a handsome, intelligent, fun, romantic guy (yes, he was a good wakeboarder, too) who was more than willing to do “the work.”

We are now eight years into our climb. When I look back I realize we have had a lot of moments where we were eye-balls’ deep in snow that could have sucked the life out of our relationship. However, we’ve also had moments where the sun has broken through, giving us the gift of warmth and the opportunity to sit, rest and just enjoy each other’s company. We have been in one of the hardest years of our climb – with the stresses of having two kids, with another on the way, but it’s also been the most transformative and beautiful. I find myself continually grateful that I have a partner who has never looked at me and said, “I’m done climbing, it’s not what I thought it would be” or “You climb and carry me; it’s your fault that our relationship is so hard.”

I treasure the moments where he has looked at me with watery eyes and a softened heart and thanked me for choosing him. It gives me the fuel I need to climb another day, to keep putting one foot in front of the other. When he expresses his gratitude and genuinely sees me for who I am and the strengths I bring to the table, it brings me a bit closer to him. It causes me to soften my sharp edges toward him and gives me the perspective to see him as we all are ... just trying to do the best we can with where we have come from and wanting to go to places in our relationship we have never known. I’m grateful that he sees me with gratitude as well.

I have a partner who has willingly engaged in “the work” or the metaphorical climb from day one. It’s not always fun but he he keeps climbing with me. Our mutual supportiveness and gratitude have carried us through storms that neither of us could have predicted when we said “I do.” As I see relationships around me crumble and fall, my gratitude for all we have only grows. No, our relationship isn’t perfect, but I wouldn’t choose any other partner to ascend the mountain. I have my daily moments where I write down what I am grateful for with my partner, and it guides me to the peak of Everest. The moment I said “I do” was the moment I said “I do commit” to keep doing the work, to keep climbing with my partner, with gratitude and willingness as my guides.

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"]

Kristin Hodson is a Sex and Intimacy Therapist and Founder of The Healing Group: Where Women Go For Hope, Growth and Healing. She has the mantra of work hard, play hard, love hard and lives life passionately outloud. She is an adjunct Professor at The University of Utah in the Social Work department, is co-author of the book, "Real Intimacy: A Couples' Guide to Healthy, Genuine Sexuality" and is currently co-authoring her second book, "Yes, You Can Talk To Your Kids About Sex." . She feels the greatest and most fulfilling pursuit in her life is having the privilege to mother her two spirited children and always being refined into a better person because of her husband.

This post is part of a 30-Day Gratitude Challenge. If you want to start from day 1, click here.

If you want these emails delivered to your inbox, subscribe here:

[gravityform id="2" name="Subscribe" title="false" description="false"]

[/jbox]

Gratitude Is My Rocket Fuel

Hey Loveumentarians! So excited to be visiting today. Nate is one of my favorite people on earth. The Hubs and I are both enthusiastic supporters of The Loveumentary and Unbox Love.

So, when Nate asked me to write about gratitude my very first thought was, “Of course! Gratitude is my rocket fuel.”

Gratitude for me isn’t just a feeling, it’s an activity that I engage in daily.

I am pretty sure that I first got the notion that gratitude was something you could practice, like guitar, from watching Oprah. She was interviewing Sarah Ban-Breathnach, the author of a book called Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort of Joy and they talked about the idea of creating a gratitude journal.

I had never heard of such a thing at the time but I have had a general rule since about high school, that if it’s good enough for Oprah, and doesn’t require a billion dollars to do, it is most certainly good enough for me to try.

Oprah bought T-shirt sheets, I got t-shirt sheets. Oprah had frozen hot chocolate while visiting New York city, I had frozen hot chocolate the next time I went.

And so on.

So when she said to pull out a journal and write 3 things you were grateful for that day, I tried it.

There are worse things a teenager could experiment with, I am sure.

The idea behind the journal was that the more you notice and appreciate things and experiences you are grateful for, the more of those good things and experiences come into your life.

Kind of like the law of attraction, gratitude edition.

The thing is even though I am a writer, I am absolutely terrible at keeping any kind of journal for any prolonged period of time.

Truly, truly terrible.

So I didn’t keep that up (sorry Oprah!). But, I did create my own gratitude tradition that I absolutely love and was totally inspired by Ms. O.

Every year sometime during the Thanksgiving holidays I take some time alone and write down 100 things I am grateful for.

It is positively amazing how many details you notice about life when you have set a goal to get to 100. After your immediate loved ones and lofty things like health and safety, you start noticing how grateful you are for things like:

• Paved roads
• Cold Stone Creamery Birthday Cake Re-mix Ice cream
• Shellac Manicures
• Every single one of your favorite TV shows
• Your husband’s smile when you go on vacation
• Your best friend’s laugh
• Kit Kats (especially British ones – the chocolate is mixed differently).
• Blogs. Friends. Laptops. Coffee.

And so it goes, until you get to 100.

Every time I make my list I notice how much of life there is to love.

There is so much and there is a seemingly infinite amount of tiny things that bring me huge amounts of joy.

I absolutely love the feeling I get when I notice and appreciate so many blessings.

But I am absolutely terrible at writing them down every day, so I decided I’d make gratitude lists whenever. In my head, but like all the time.

What I do is whenever I am paused at a red light, standing in line, or at any other random moment that feels good, I say, “Name 5 things you are grateful for, go!”

Best game ever, right?

The most random things come up.

Right now it would be

1. The gourmet chocolate candy bar that had pieces of potato chip in it (tasted like Crunch but saltier)
2. Really comfortable shoes
3. My bed. (I haven’t slept in it in a couple of days and can’t wait to see my pillow again).
4. The sound of my hubby breathing when he is sleeping.
5. Caffeine Free Coke Zero

See? Absolutely the most random things ever. And yet, I smile just thinking about them.

I savor the beauty and wonder and power of life.

And I don’t wait to write in a journal.

I do it now.

What I have found over the years is that like guitar, you get better at gratitude with practice. It comes easier, becomes more natural and shifts your mood quicker the more you do it. It’s kind of like taking a vitamin for your heart and mind.

Practicing gratitude is important to me because it helps me remember all the good in my life, especially when I am going through something bad.

In my opinion, the highest, most advanced level of gratitude you could practice, is being able to feel gratitude for your problems.

I totally love feeling gratitude for my blessings. Easy right? Still important to stop and actually DO IT – whether you write it, sing it, say it in your head or post it on Facebook.

But feeling gratitude for my problems – that has been probably the biggest mind shift ever.

Here is how I do it:

Years ago I attended a training called the Landmark Forum. Some parts of it I loved, some parts of it I really didn’t care for at all. But my favorite lesson I learned there was when one of the workshop leaders said something to the effect of:

We all want our problems to go away.

Problems do not go away.

Rich people have problems. Single people have problems. Married people have problems. People who have what you think you want all have problems.

The key to problems is not to eliminate them.

The key is to continuously upgrade the quality of your problems.

Upgrade the quality of my problems?!?! That idea just blew me away. I really pondered and took that into my gratitude-filled mind where it came out as:

" Well, that’s a great problem to have.”

Example, sometimes I feel overwhelmed – career, marriage, family, friends – all good things, right? And yet, sometimes I am not sure how I am going to get it all done.

And I think, “well, that’s a great problem to have.” I think of the alternative – what if all of those things that are making me so busy, were suddenly missing from my life. Whoa. Instant perspective shift.

Instant gratitude adjustment.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have problems and definitely doesn’t mean I have them all covered.

It also doesn’t mean that some problems don’t flat out suck. Really bad stuff happens and I don’t want to minimize that, but the only way I know how to get through those really dark moments is to search for the glimpses of light inside them.

Gratitude helps me do that.

I hope it helps you too.

Now that we have established that gratitude is a practice – it’s your turn. Name 5 totally random, completely wonderful things you are grateful for right now – do it in the comments and we will all say thank you together.

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] Maggie Reyes is a Life Coach, Writer + the Founder of ModernMarried.com. Her romantic-yet-practical approach to wedded bliss is regularly featured on Brides.com and The Happy Wives Club – the biggest wedding and marriage sites on the web.

Maggie loves all things Loveumentary and is excited to feature this great two part interview with Nate and Melissa on her site: Keeping Love Alive: Nate & Melissa The Loveumentary Interview and Love, Commitment and the Meaning of Marriage with Nate and Melissa from Loveumentary.com.

To read her favorite gratitude quotes click here. You can also click here to get a free gratitude list template to write your own 100 things along with an inspiring thankfulness-themed YouTube playlist. [/jbox]

The Gratitude Experiment

Early in my 25-year marriage, I was afraid to thank my husband for taking out the trash or washing the dishes. I thought if I thanked him, he would think those jobs were optional and stop doing them. I also wanted to make sure that he learned to do household chores the right way — my way. If I thanked him for a job that wasn’t done to my standards, I felt I’d never get him to shape up and do those tasks properly.

That’s why, when my husband did the dishes I said, “That’s great, but how about wiping off the counters now?” which was no thanks at all. That was a big plate of dismissal with a heaping side of criticism. I feel so sad for that younger version of myself who had no concept of the power of the practice of being grateful and was so miserable as a result.

As you can imagine, my husband wasn’t very inspired to help around the house because every time he tried, I either redid what he had just done or pointed out what he’d done wrong, like I was his grumpy boss.

As a result, I was responsible for doing everything, and I quickly became overwhelmed and resentful.

I didn’t know then that resentment is the opposite of gratitude, but it’s true. You can’t feel grateful and resentful at the same time. Since I didn’t know that, I spent years feeling like my mother on her worst day. My marriage suffered, and I insisted we go to marriage counseling so the counselor could fix him and I could finally be happy. When even counseling didn’t help, I finally turned to women who had long, happy marriages for advice. What they said shocked me because it was so different than what I’d seen and learned growing up.

It turns out there are six intimacy skills, which you’d think they would teach in Relationships 101 at every college, but they didn’t teach it at mine. When I stick to the intimacy skills, things go well at my house. We’re playful and relaxed. I feel connected and cherished, and the passion runs high. His face lights up when I come home. We rarely fight or have the long cold wars we used to endure.

When I forget about the intimacy skills, as I sometimes do, things don’t go so well around here. That’s how important the intimacy skills are.

The most powerful of the six skills is expressing gratitude—not when you feel it, but as a ritual or a discipline. To paraphrase Arthur C. Clarke, it’s powers are indistinguishable from magic.

One of the wise married women made this suggestion: Just express gratitude to your husband every day.

That didn’t make any sense to me. After all, I was doing everything around the house and no one was thanking me. But I was desperate to not be divorced, even though I often threatened it. Finally, I made myself come up with a few things to thank him for. I decided as an experiment to share three gratitudes a day, so I’d know for sure I was really doing it. That way if it didn’t work, I could say I tried.

I begrudgingly said, “Thanks for working hard to support our family.”

Next came, “Thanks for taking out the trash.”

Finally, “Thanks for trimming the tree.”

To my surprise, my husband went looking for more ways to help out. He even volunteered to do the dishes again, having apparently forgotten that I deemed him not properly trained for the task. When he was done, I thanked him, and I actually felt grateful. I could see he really wanted to make me happy, and when he succeeded it just inspired him to do even more for me.

As I continued with my three gratitudes a day, it became obvious my husband really was helpful and did do a lot to lighten my load. This was a shock. Since what we focus on increases, my newfound practice of focusing on what I appreciated made those things increase. But because I had also changed my attitude, he was responding to me with more generosity, and his own gratitude. “Thanks for putting the laundry away,” he started saying, and, “I appreciate you making us this wonderful dinner.” I nearly fell out of my chair. I had to admit, I loved feeling appreciated too.

That’s why, of the six intimacy skills I discovered when I was trying to save my marriage, I consider gratitude to be the most powerful of all. It does double duty because it changes my focus, which changes the way I perceive my situation. But it also changes my reality because it changes the way my husband responds to me.

It’s been over 17 years since I started giving my husband three gratitudes a day, and I can’t imagine life any other way now. There’s quite a culture of gratitude at our house. We thank each other all day long—often more than three times. It feels good, and helps us both remember how fortunate we are. It also helps us feel connected and affectionate. I’m no longer the martyr who exhausts herself trying to do everything. In fact, while I was writing this piece, my husband washed all the dishes and took out the trash.

I couldn’t be more grateful.

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] Laura Doyle is a radio show host, New York Times best-selling author of The Surrendered Wife : A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with Your Man, and the founder of Laura Doyle Connect, an international relationship coaching company that teaches women the intimacy skills they need to have passionate, peaceful relationships. Follow her on Twitter here.

Want to get the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge sent to your email inbox every day? Fill out this little form here: [gravityform id="2" name="Subscribe" title="false" description="false"]

[/jbox]