I Know You Didn't Mean That...

This week my wife and I celebrated our first anniversary. To memorialize this milestone we performed a 1-year relationship inventory.

We started by reminiscing on the high points of our first year of marriage. Vacations, memories, victories, trials we’ve overcome, dreams we’ve started to lock into place. It was inspiring and fun to reflect on this awesome life we're starting to build together

Then my wife asked the big question:

“What’s gonna be different in year 2?”

Great question, right?!

No matter how great your marriage is, it can always get better… but not unless you approach it as a team with intention.

So we started the conversation we’d been avoiding without even realizing it. (Isn't it so easy to get sucked into the routine and status quo and forget to talk about what’s next in our growth as a couple?)

“Let’s talk about the stuff we struggle with the most, and how we can do better,” I responded.

"Perfect!" she said.

Now I’m going to be real with you and give you a look into our biggest struggle as a couple.

We are both very hyper-sensitive and overactive humans... especially in times of conflict or misunderstanding. We aren’t very good at giving each other the benefit of the doubt, or at assuming positive intent when we're feeling hurt or threatened.

This leads to us both getting wounded easily over stupid, insignificant things, then acting complete jerks to each other in response.

It’s. The. Worst.

Here's an example of what I’m talking about:

We recently went on vacation. I was standing next to the front door, bags-in-hand, ready to go load the car with the suitcases so we could head to the airport. My wife was kneeling on the floor next to me trying to cram one or two last-minute things into her carry-on bag.

She noticed I was just kind of standing there by the door, staring at her. (I often do this when we’re running late, and she’s running behind. I just stand by the door and wait… and she hates it.)

Suddenly she snapped at me. “What are you staring at?! If you want something, just ask!”

I physically recoiled. I felt like I got punched in the gut. Where the heck did that come from?

Instinctually I punched back.

“I’m just waiting for you to pack your freaking bag and move over! I didn’t want to open the door while you’re sitting there in your underwear! Sorry for trying to be considerate!” I said in the most self-righteous and least considerate voice imaginable.

It happened so fast.

She made an assumption that I was being passive aggressive (like I have been in the past), and lashed out in protection or irritation. Then I punched back.

This crap happens all the time.

Here's another example...

We were in the car on our way to meet some of our good friends for a double date.

"How was your day?" I asked my wife.

No response. She was on her phone.

My blood started to boil. I HATE when she ignores me, ESPECIALLY when she's on her phone.

I asked again.

"How was your day, honey? “

It didn't even register.

I lost it. “Good grief, can you just put your freaking phone down and talk to me?!”

"Woah, Nate! Calm down. I’m just trying to figure out where we’re meeting our friends! Can you give me a freaking second?”

I felt ignored and hurt and I lashed out. My emotional outburst cut her deep and her emotional defenses went up faster than pop-tent at scout camp. We sat in prickly silence for most of the rest of the drive.

I KNOW my wife loves me. I KNOW she’s kind and compassionate and wonderful. But I still jump to these conclusions that she’s out to get me, I get defensive, I get upset and frustrated, and I do stupid stuff that hurts her (and vice versa).

In the last 12 months, we’ve gotten really good at repairing the little hurts and healing the wounds we inflict on each other. We’re both pretty fast to forgive, and willing to admit when we've acted like a jerk.

But during our relationship inventory, we've decided to level up in year 2.

Instead of just getting good at forgiving and healing each other, we want to master not even getting sucked into conflict to begin with!

So, how the heck do we do that?

Well, first we need to get really honest with ourselves. We need to identify our weaknesses and vulnerabilities that let these conflicts creep into our marriage.

Then we need to create a plan to change our attitudes and behaviors so we can get the outcome and results we want.

Lastly, we need to follow the freaking plan.

Our Plan

I already identified above that our weaknesses are not assuming positive intent, getting defensive and being reactive.

Now we needed to create a plan.

"Why don't we just not be a-holes to each other in the first place? Wouldn't that solve things?" my wife asked.

“It’s not that easy,” I replied. “We're not perfect. Sometimes I’m going to push your buttons without even realizing it, and you will react without even thinking (or vice versa). The moment that happens, the "Don't be a jerk" plan goes right out the window. What happens then?”

So we thought a little harder.

"Maybe it would be easier for the person who isn't feeling the initial hurt (aka the one who did the inadvertent hurting) to keep their cool and change the direction of the conversation," I suggested.

“What if when one person lashes out, the other person responds with the phrase, ‘I know you didn't mean that. I'm going to give you a minute.’?” Ang suggested.

Woah. What a gift!

Imagine you lash out at your partner, and instead of punching back their response is to give you the benefit of the doubt and generously offer you time to heal so you can get back to your normal, loveable self.

When one partner gives the other partner exactly what they need, it stops conflict dead in its tracks.

We were getting excited about this new strategy to level up our conflict management skills, but the plan still wasn't perfect. I know myself too well. If I lash out at my wife and she says, "I know you didn't mean that. I'm going to give you some time." (no matter how generous she is) I'll probably hit her back with something passive aggressive.

So we made one more rule. You're not allowed to get mad at the other person for saying this phrase, even if you see things differently. You just take the time and the love they've given you and go calm yourself down till you can talk.

This works for us because in our marriage, we have integrity, and we play by the rules we set.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm excited to start putting this into practice... and it WILL take practice.

Now it's your turn

Have you ever had a conversation about what you can do better in your relationship? Maybe you keep having the same conflicts over and over again... would talking about how you handle things and creating a plan together change the outcome?

What did you like about the strategy we developed together? Is it something you want to try out with us? How can you make it better, or make it personal for your relationship?

I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

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Forgive & Forget - Day 17

Day 17 - Spiritual

“Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” -Buddha

Offense, hurt or pain. These are emotions experienced when feeling wronged in one way or another. Associated with that, you have also likely been on the receiving end of an apology. If so, you’ve been given an opportunity to forgive. Someone says they’re sorry and you (hopefully) choose to give up anger and resentment for kindness and compassion. Giving and accepting apologies, in a life filled with human error, is a common occurrence.

Recently I learned something very interesting about the order of forgiveness. The above scenario has always been how I would describe the forgiveness process. However, that is actually an example of what is called conditional forgiveness. Meaning that compassion comes only on the condition of the request— an intriguing distinction.

In a 2011 article called Forgive to Live: Forgiveness, Health and Longevity, it was shown that those who could only forgive if others said “sorry” first were more likely to die earlier, compared with those who practiced unconditional forgiveness. This positive correlation was evident through healthier endocrine, cardiovascular and immune systems for those that extended higher levels of empathy. You read that right. Your ability to offer unsolicited grace may actually increase your mortality!

If you’ve ever held onto anger towards someone as punishment for their wrongdoing, you were likely unaware of the physical (not to mention, emotional) harm you were actually causing yourself. Below are 5 physical health benefits of forgiveness:

1. Lowers stress levels

According to a study done by Hope College reseachers, one of multiple health benefits of forgiveness is lower levels of cortisol. (Remember that cortisol is our body’s stress hormone. Chronically increased level of cortisol lead to elevations in blood sugar, depressed immune response, increased fat accumulation and loss of cognitive function). Seventy-one participants' physical responses were monitored when speaking of past grudges compared to responses when discussing compassion. Those who displayed more forgiving perspectives had lower cortisol levels and resulting less physiological stress.

2. Keeps your heart healthy

Forgiveness is good for the heart—literally. One study suggests that people who hold on to anger have higher heart rates, while those who are more empathetic and able to forgive tend to have lower heart rates.

3. Lowers pain

Letting go of anger may help your body better adapt to pain. According to a study done by Duke University Medical Center, the ability to empathize and forgive boosted the physical and emotional ability to process pain. Out of 61 subjects who suffered from chronic back pain, those who were more likely to forgive reported lower levels of pain.

4. Lowers blood pressure

In an interview of 108 college students, multiple measures were taken of blood pressure and other stress responses while discussing past betrayals. Those more inclined to forgive had lower blood pressure levels. Multiple studies continue to show the link between lower blood pressure and forgiveness.

5. Extends life

In the previously mentioned study, Forgive to Live, adults ages 66 and older who were more forgiving in nature, tended to live longer. If this isn’t the most compelling reason to give up a grudge, then I don’t know what is!

If the above evidence isn’t enough for you to starting letting past grievances go, there is also a connection between the ability to forgive others and the likelihood of forgiving yourself. Research published in the Journal of Positive Psychology showed that people who made amends with a friend for a wrongdoing were essentially giving themselves an okay to make and accept their own mistakes in the future. Forgive others of their guilt to let go of your own.

If you’re reading this and recalling wrongdoings that hurt you, let them go. The damage only goes deeper the longer you hold such grievances in your heart. Without condoning such actions, we as human beings can extend compassion. We can forgive. Not because forgiveness is requested or deserved but because we require and deserve the peace of body and soul that comes with the offer of unconditional, God-like grace.

Daily Challenge

I often find when I choose to discuss certain topics it is myself that needs that particular instruction. In writing this, I must admit that I had two particular pains from previous relationships continue to come to mind. Even though their occurrence was years ago, the cuts were still fresh, inflicted now by my own hand.

Look inside yourself today. It likely won’t take long to remember a relationship or interaction where you felt wronged. Examine your feelings in regard to this situation and truly ask yourself if you have let this go. Now, choose to forgive. Understanding that in doing so you are not excusing the action but giving yourself the freedom to move on, both in body and spirit. Forgiveness… do it for you!

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[jbox title="About the Author:" border="5" radius="15"] Megan is a Doctor of Audiology, Holistic Nutritionist, wife, yoga-lover and ever-evolving health aspirer. Having transformed her own health, she’s eager to help you transform yours. She believes in power in its purest form: FOOD. Whole foods, to be precise. So pick up a fork and join her in a revolution of habits, health and happiness. A WHOLE new life awaits! Read more about her reformation of health and wellness at My Whole Food Habit.[/jbox]

My Ex-Girlfriend Is A @*&#! - Getting From Blame to Gratitude

Warning, disclaimer! I’m going say some things and use a couple words in this article that might offend you. Don’t keep reading if you’re not up for it. Really. Stop right now. There’ll be another piece about gratitude that you can read and it probably won’t offend you at all. You can read that one instead. With that said, the reason you’re reading these words is because my friend Nate Bagley has asked me to create a piece for his 30 day Gratitude Challenge. For those of you who don’t know Nate personally I’d like to fill you in. Nate is an amazing man. The moment I met him, Christmas of 2013, I knew there was something special about him.

It wasn’t just because of his backstory, the fact that he’d hit the road to seek out, document, and share powerfully beautiful hopeful stories of love from across the United States. Neither was it the fact that my sister had a crush on him, so therefore he must be a pretty cool dude.

It was his presence. When I spoke to him he was there with me. His voice is solid and clear. He knows the work he’s doing is powerful and he owns it. When I asked him how much amazingness was possible within a relationship (having been wondering this to myself for quite a while) he responded, with no trace of hesitation, “Amazing, incredible relationships are possible. They’re real. Let me tell you a story…”

Knowing Nate has profoundly impacted my work and life. He’s inspired me to take bold steps forward and I’m so grateful to know him. I hope one day you’ll get to meet him too.

Oh, and if you didn’t know, Nate is creating a Love Coaching practice. Nate is a love expert. He’s interviewed hundreds of couples across the US and I know for a fact that his work has already impacted the lives of many, many people, whether single, dating, partnered, whatever. This man is doing amazing work. Marriages will be healed, parties will be thrown, and lots of really amazing sex will be had. You can see if coaching with Nate will be a good fit by taking this quick survey. I’m so stoked that he’s stepping it up and offering this service to individuals and couples. So stoked.

So… a piece about gratitude. Where should I even start?

I think I’ll start by telling you what’s true for me in this moment.

I’m on a bus.

Powerful, right?

Ok, there's more to it than that. At this very moment I’m leaving the house I’ve been in for 10 years and the city where I’ve lived for 12.

I realized last night just how much I’ve grown during the time I’ve been here. When I arrived I was in the midst of a powerful depression. I was suicidal, shut down, and almost totally disconnected from my sense of self-power. I was a shell of a man.

12 years later I’m IN LOVE with my life! I’m present with my experience in each moment. I’m in touch with my body. It’s my guide and the more fully I allow myself to feel all that there is to feel the better my life gets. I’m engaged in passionate romantic relationships with amazing women. These relationships are honest, emotionally clean, communicative, and quite free of expectation. I smile lots and laugh deep, resonant laughs that come out from my belly and fill up my whole body. I’m doing powerfully healing work. The kind I’d be doing even if I didn’t get paid for it. I choose my schedule and I choose to work with inspiring, authentically powerful clients.

I’m really, really happy.

And the best part of it all is that I know I get to be even happier. I choose not to limit my happiness. I get to have as much of it as I decide I’m worth having!

I’d like to tell you a piece of my story, a pivotal component of my transformation from empty and suicidal to deeply fulfilled.

This story begins with an ending. What ended was a relationship. We were together for about 2 1/4 years. We split up a while back.

And you know what? I’m still kind of pissed off at her. And when I say “kind of” it probably means “really”.

You see, I have an anger problem. It’s not the kind you’re thinking about. It’s the kind where I can’t tell when I’m angry and instead cover up how I really feel and end up people pleasing, wallowing in indecisiveness, and passive-aggressing (yes, I just made that into a verb).

So anyway, I’m really pissed at her. I think about all the times she got so angry at me for practically nothing. She yelled at me, she threw tantrums, she wouldn’t let me out of conversations that I didn’t want to be in. She was the biggest hypocrite I’ve ever met. Really. I can’t even count the number of times she practically turned around and did the same thing she just got done throwing a fit at me for doing.

Our relationship felt like a shit show about half the time. She pushed my buttons, expected me not to push hers, and then expected me to calm her down when I failed at that.

She was bossy, demanding, overly self confident, irrational when upset, and unappreciative.

She was an asshole.

I’ve used the word “bitch” before, in confidential counseling sessions. I’m absolutely NOT going to use that word here.

And I know I know that your level of respect for me probably just instantly dropped. I know that you’re probably judging me, perhaps heavily, for how I’m judging my ex-girlfriend. And you might be thinking that I’m a misogynistic asshole who walks around slinging sexist slurs at women who rub me the wrong way.

But I’m owning this shit. I am a complex human being. I contradict myself constantly and thoroughly. And this complexity is beautiful. Our rough edges are what give others something, anything, to hold onto. When we’re all smoothed over people try to grasp us, to know us, and we slip away because they have nothing to hold onto. There is no room for relationship when vulnerability and shadow are not acknowledged and invited to sit down at the table with all the other guests.

And here’s the turnaround.

The amazing life, career, laughs from deep inside my belly that fill up my chest and my whole body, the amazing relationships I now get to have… all of it I owe to her.

Literally and truly.

I know the changes I make ultimately come from within me, but if it weren’t for her I’d still be partially fulfilled, settling for ok, out of touch with my passion and body, and running the same self defeating emotional patterns that I’d already been running for so many years.

She is the most amazing, present, and (emotionally) intelligent woman I’ve ever been in relationship with. By leagues and by miles.

And know that I use the word “woman” very intentionally. Because she is. She is a brilliant example of what it means to be a woman who leans into and owns her personal power.

This is really what hooked me in the first place. It wasn’t the fact that she was and still is a total hotttie. It wasn’t how well she kissed. It wasn’t how smart she was and is about business. It wasn’t her unique and entrancing sense of style.

In this woman I saw something extremely special. I craved it, from deep inside me. I noticed a fierce anxiety/excitement. What would it mean to bring such a powerful force into my life? My body drew me forward. I had only an inkling of what lay in store for me OR for her.

Relationships occur because we see something in somebody else that we already have inside, but that we’ve lost access to. We see that this person can show us how to get back in touch with the parts that are who we truly are.

Is this THE truth? No. But it’s my truth. At least in this moment. I may change my mind later on…

So I dove in.

Who she was being pushed swiftly and quickly up against my boundaries. Except in so many ways I didn’t consciously know where my boundaries were.

So I dove in some more. I felt the intensity of our passion and the whirlwind of our conflict. I opened up to it. I let it in me.

I consciously chose to make myself available, for the first time in my life, to the full range of experience. Passion. Fury. Contentment. Sadness. Guilt. Joy.

I threw myself into the middle of the ocean with her. Sometimes the seas were calm and pleasant and sometimes they crashed over me unceasingly. I swam confidently in moments and I floundered completely in others.

And now it’s over. We chose to end it. The image that comes to me is of a rock at the shore of the ocean. In some moments the waves murmur and caress the rock. In others they leap up and come crashing fiercely back down upon it. But a rock is a rock and it will not budge, it will only become smoother and more beautiful with time.

I am now that rock. I feel its presence, peace, confidence inside me. Through our relationship I discovered my power, my sense of Who I Truly Am. It’s beautiful. I’m beautiful. And I’m so grateful for it all.

This woman is a marvel. She has made some very important choices about who she is being, what kind of life she is living, and what kinds of relationships she is creating. She is really smart. She is in her body.

She is a powerful healer. The work she’s done has DIRECTLY impacted thousands of people. Her friends, customers, and clients are taking the gift that she has offered them and are passing it on to THEIR communities. She’s inspiring. She’s bold. She is unapologetically herself and how she expresses it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed.

Earlier in this piece I told you all the stuff that pissed me off about my ex-girlfriend, this incredible woman. I basically called her a bitch. I told you all the messed up things she did and all the different ways she hurt me.

There’s a secret I want to let you in on. I’m a human animal! I have emotions!

When I believe the thoughts that my fear creates I live from a victim mentality and digging, sexist, hurtful epithets come up and out from inside me.

While it can be useful to express and honor my shadow side I also feel in the center of my being that living from victim and blame is a powerful poison.

I also know, from this place of wisdom-beyond-words, that gratitude is the antidote.

I practice gratitude. And yes, it is a practice. It’s a choice I choose to make over and over and over again. Consciously. My life is beautiful beyond words for it. I have deep relationships with my parents and sisters, deeper still with every passing week. I have strong relationships with my community. Each person means so much to me and I let them know it.

I’ve written notes of appreciation to roommates, sang songs to lovers and friends, spoken or emailed or texted to clients, smiled to strangers, asked genuine questions of curiosity to acquaintances. I have a million different ways of acknowledging and appreciating the person who’s in front of me or on my mind. I make it a practice to notice when I’m feeling appreciative and then to take action and let them know.

Feeling upset today? Call someone up and appreciate them. Write down a list of ways you notice them being and how they’ve impacted your life. Call them up. Read it to them. I can pretty much guarantee that you will both walk away from the conversation with a deepened connection and big smiles on your faces. The world will seem closer to you. The colors will be more vivid. You’ll feel that swelling sense of fulfillment that our bodies yearn for.

Earlier on I told you that this story began with an ending. That’s not really true though. Things aren’t over, nothing’s ended. Things just shifted. We stopped holding on to our stories about who the other person was or might be. In this moment I don’t know exactly what she and I are or what we’re doing, but it IS something.

I look forward to what our future together holds. Even if it means we don’t talk. That’s still a choice we make in how we will relate with each other. It’s a relationship still.

See, gratitude/true appreciation, is a continual process of letting go. It’s letting go of the projections that we put onto others and the stories we tell ourselves about what we must settle for or how so and so did us wrong. It’s letting go of the safety patterning that we took on as children, the places where we learned to close off and protect our tender, loving child-hearts.

Gratitude means doing the personal work it takes to open back up. It can be scary. It can make us feel like we’re dying. But I’ve shed and seen shed a lot of tears. I’ve been with others as they shook violently as long-locked emotions poured out of them, sometimes for the first time in their lives. They felt like they would literally die. And they didn’t. The opposite came true. Openness. Power. Peace.

Gratitude is about noticing. It’s paying attention to the thing that attracts you to another and then speaking that truth.

You get to do it with yourself too. It’s noticing just how far you’ve come since 1, 3, 14 years ago and letting in the truth that you are exactly where you ought to be. Know too that there is even better yet to come.

Gratitude is about curiosity. It’s a yearning to know yourself and others more deeply and intimately than you currently do.

Gratitude is simple. All it takes is a few words, a loving touch, or an act of kindness.

Gratitude is a practice. That means you do it once. And then another time. And then another time. Each time you do it you get better at it. That’s what happens when we practice things.

Gratitude is powerful. It has already and will continue to change your own and your loved ones’ lives.

Here, I’ll model:

Thank you for being with me through the end of this piece. I probably don’t know you and you probably don’t know me (yet), but the fact that you’re here means that we share a connection. There’s something that draws us closer together. It’s special and I am so honored to share this connection with you. I’ve shared extremely vulnerably with you. Thank you so much for honoring my vulnerability.

That you’re connected with The Loveumentary means you’re on the path. It’s happening right now. I want to let you know that I notice this in you.

You’re beautiful.

Thank you.

My bus ride is almost over. My new life is just around the corner. I can’t wait to see what the future holds!

And one more time, thank you. With love, Bob Schwenkler

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] If you’d like to learn more about Bob and the work he does in supporting authentically powerful and loving men in living fully on-purpose and passionate lives please visit his website at bobschwenkler.com. (This is Nate now: Seriously people, Bob has been an amazing coach to me, and has helped me grow in ways I never thought I would. I am more authentically myself because of him. Get to know this man.) Want to get the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge sent to your email inbox every day? Fill out this little form here:

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Episode #37 - Forgiveness and Sex with Ty and Terri

Forgiveness isn't fair. If somebody really hurt you, you don't want to let them off the hook because what they did was wrong. And if you have a high sense of justice, you think "I can't, because it's not fair." He hasn't suffered enough. He hasn't paid for his wrongs enough.

To enter a relationship is to court pain.
-Leo Buscaglia

If we truly desire to experience deep, soul-shaking, life-changing love, we have to drop our shields, tear down our walls, and let people into our hearts. To love is to constantly run the risk of being hurt. Loving is staring potential pain in the face without flinching.

Sadly, people who live this way - and love this way - sometimes get hurt. The hurts of the heart are often the most painful. That pain can be dangerous if you don't have the right knowledge and tools to help you recover from these hurts. Many people have opened their hearts to love freely and passionately only to be hurt, and react by building new walls twice as thick as before.

There is a secret tool available to us that will help keep us out of our Fortress of Solitude. That tool is Forgiveness.

Too many people withhold forgiveness because the person who wronged them hasn't suffered enough, or even acknowledged that they've done something wrong. They hold on to the emotionally-cancerous grudge as it slowly eats away at their happiness and consumes their lives. They don't understand the true purpose of forgiveness.

Forgiveness does far more for the forgiver than the forgivee.

Forgiveness is allowing yourself to move on. Forgiveness is letting go of the burden of a grudge. Forgiveness is not allowing someone else's choices to ruin your life. Forgiveness is acknowledging the imperfectness in us all, and chalking up mistake after mistake to being human. Forgiveness is a fresh start. Forgiveness is a clean slate. Forgiveness is a newly opened heart... a heart receptive to love and resilient to the inevitable pain that life unexpectedly hit us with.

Forgiveness is not fair, which is what makes it so beautiful.

Forgiveness is mercy winning over justice. It's love conquering hate. It's new life rising victorious over death.

Forgiveness, like love, is often irrational and counter-intuitive. It works when put into practice by the shamelessly optimistic. Forgiveness is often mistaken for a feeling, when in fact, it's a choice.

Those who never learn forgive will never have hearts open enough truly love... because, one forgives to the degree that one loves.

Who do you need to forgive? How can you forgive more freely? Can you forgive somebody even if the emotions of pain are still present? Share your experiences and thoughts in the comments!

---

Here are some of the books referenced in the podcast:

Episode #35 - Jay and Lara

How Are You Choosing To Show Up Today?

The difference between the truly legendary people who leave a lasting impact on this world, and the billions of merely average and "good" people, is how the legends decide to show up. Every. Single. Day.

One choice made over and over, every day - to show up - is what made Michael Jordan into the greatest basketball player of all time. It's what got Abraham Lincoln elected as President. It's how Steve Jobs turned his vision into a modern-day empire. The decision to show up, to fight with conviction, to inspire, and to do the work that nobody else is willing to do is what separates the excellent from the average.

This principle doesn't just apply to ideas, careers, and companies. It also applies to relationships... which is why most marriages are merely average. Truly legendary marriages require a consistent effort and dedication to showing up that most people are unwilling to commit to.

Marriage is a continual process. It's a re-commitment to each other. That it requires continual forgiveness, continual self-growth and examination.

-Lara Ward

After talking to over 100 couples about love, I believe that what we've allowed our society to deem as a "good" relationship is not good enough. We can change what is acceptable. We can raise the average. We can pull ourselves out of the mire of crap that we all too often get sucked into.

Can you really find a way to let the other person be who they are, and can you be who you are? But you get mired in all this crap. You get mired in all the little stuff, and the pettiness, and the day-to-day stuff. Sometimes you have to remove yourself if you can, and take a look at the big picture. What's the goal?...At the end of the day, if I made her life special, that would be pretty cool.

-Jay Ward

The greatest relationships are reserved for the people who are willing to dig deep, battle personal demons, and show up every day.

As Theodore Roosevelt said,

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

What do you think? Has our society grown complacent when it comes to love? What does it mean to "show up" in a relationship? How can you show up better? I'd love to hear your ideas in the comments!

You can follow Jay and Lara's travels on Lara's blog here.

Episode #33 - Your Relationship Lacks Intimacy, And It's Your Fault... Ladies

Warning: This post and the associated podcast are controversial... which is exactly why I like them so much.

Ladies, does your relationship suck? Has it grown stale and boring? Do you feel hopeless, and yearn to feel connected and adored?

What if I told you it's all your fault?

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I get it. It sounds ridiculously chauvinistic and immature. Of course it's easy for me to absolve myself of blame and say that a lack of intimacy in a relationship is not a man's fault, but a woman's... but what if I told you this idea isn't something me and my guy friends cooked up during some late-night video game and pizza binge? What if I told you it came from a relationship expert who is also conveniently (for me) a woman?

Laura Doyle believes that women are the gatekeepers to intimacy in a relationship. She has focused her entire career on empowering women (she refuses to work with men, or even couples) with skills, tactics, and tools to radically transform their average, mundane, or even horrible relationships. If a lack of intimacy exists, and abuse is not present in the relationship, she believes women have the power to change it.

6 Intimacy Skills to Transform Your Relationship

1. Self Care - In any relationship, you are responsible for your own happiness. If you rely on others to fill your self-worth tank, you'll inevitably end up stranded on the side of the highway of life, broken down, frustrated, and alone. Rather than relying on others to fill up that love tank, take initiative and fill it up yourself. This means you must love yourself, not just with words, but with actions.Make a list of things that fill you with joy, energy, and happiness then do those things every day. Make them a priority. Whether it's sitting down to enjoy a cup of coffee, calling an old friend, writing in your journal, meditation or yoga, reading out of a good book, or some intense exercise, make a commitment to do the stuff you love religiously... make it as big of a priority as brushing your teeth - which you do regularly (I hope).

2. Relinquish Inappropriate Control - Did you know that something as simple as telling a man he's doing something wrong - even when well-intentioned - can be incredibly emasculating? As a man, I feel a sense of pride when I can provide, protect, or otherwise take care of those that I love. Often times, correcting things (especially small things), make us feel like we can't do anything right. It's easy to feel defeated, incompetent, and worthless when you can't even dress yourself, or clean a mirror properly.Sure, many of you may say that I'm being over-sensitive. We men just need to "pony up" and "be a man" when it comes to taking criticism. Well, as a man, I'm telling you from the bottom of my heart: If you want more intimacy in your relationship, think before you speak. Your words can fill us up with courage, open us up to vulnerability, and give us the courage to slay dragons... or they can strip us of our confidence. The ball is in your court.

3. Receive Graciously - When a man gives you something, whether it's a gift, a compliment, or some form of help, he's reaching out in an attempt to connect. It's a display of his love and care. A rejection or dismissal of his effort to bond with you are not only a rejection of the offer itself, but a rejection of his attempt to connect, and subsequently a rejection of him.Rather than play the "not good enough" card, thank him and tell him how much you appreciate him... because he thinks you're good enough, and sometimes that's all that matters.

4. Respect - For this skill, I quote Mrs. Doyle herself. Her words are just too perfect: "Lack of respect causes more divorces than cheating does because for men, respect is like oxygen. They need it more than sex. Respect means that you don't dismiss, criticize, contradict or try to teach him anything. Of course he won't do things the same way you do; for that, you could have just married yourself. But with your respect, he will once again do the things that amazed and delighted you to begin with -- so much so that you married him."

5. Gratitude - Good men don't do kind things with the expectation of thanks, but honestly, nothing is sexier than a woman who regularly expresses gratitude... especially for the things that you don't expect them to be grateful for. When a woman expresses appreciation for something I did for them, it makes me feel like $1 million. It makes me want to do more nice things more often.Cultivating a habit of expressing gratitude every day will also put you in a mindset of looking for the very best things. When you see and recognize the best in a man, he will rise to the occasion, and become the best version of himself. Your gratitude has the ability to unlock hidden reserves of potential, intimacy, and overwhelming love.

6. Vulnerability - A truly intimate and trusting relationship requires vulnerability at its very core. Getting naked emotionally with someone often requires a lot more of that trust than getting naked physically with them. Being vulnerable requires honesty and assertiveness, and responsibility. Merely expressing how we feel is now vulnerability. Rather than nagging or criticizing, state your desires. "I feel lonely," is far more vulnerable than "You never come home on time." "I miss you so much," is far more vulnerable than, "When was the last time you took me on a date?"Striving to come to the table palms-open to express your feelings and your needs is courageous... and this approach not only avoids putting men on the defensive, but encourages them to do what they love doing most: step up to the plate and make their women happy.

Most of us do not realize how much individual power we possess to influence, change, and improve our relationships. We get stuck in the tedium of the day-to-day. We forget that little things can make an enormous difference. I hope you have the courage to give these 6 tips a try in your relationship... especially if you see it suffering.

And don't forget to listen to today's podcast at the top of the page. It is full of amazing stuff that blew my mind. I'm sure it will rock yours as well.

Thanks for reading and listening to the podcast. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes to get episodes delivered to your computer every week!

Check out Laura Doyle's website The Surrendered Wife. And here are some links to her books:

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