The Paranoia of Not Being A Good Dad

The leaders of every generation continuously set out to become better than the generation of their fathers. We stive to improve upon their failures and shortcomings. We want to provide our children with more opportunity and a better education, shield our families from the pains we suffered, be more attentive, patient, involved, supportive, healthy, eco-friendly, and tolerant and less bigoted, work-obsessed, over-protective, close-minded, and all the other hyphenated words you can imagine up.

The pressure we put on ourselves and each other to rise above and build upon what we've been given is daunting.

I don't know about you, but I was never given a manual or a training course for how to be an ideal spouse or father. This makes taking the obvious next step in my life an incredibly intimidating one. I mean, if you fail a class in your youth, you can beg for extra credit, or worst-case scenario, retake it. Lose your job? Good thing you're still a dependent of your parents.

There's no real safety net as an adult. Get married and find out you're a crappy spouse? Or worse... find out you're married to one? Tough luck. Work it out, or be branded with the mark of divorce.

Don't spend enough time with your kids? Spend too much time being a helicopter parent? Don't give them enough opportunity? Overwhelm them with too many extra-curriculars? Discipline them too much? Don't provide them enough freedom to act as individuals?

Too bad. You can't un-make your decisions. You can only do the best you can with what experience you've been handed and the resources you have available.

So, what do you do to overcome that fear? How do you come to terms with the fact that your best may not be good enough? How do you stare failure in the face every day, and conquer it?

[Video Transcript] "She's something that we both created. We both still marvel at her. It's most obvious on a song called Jay Z Blue. And it deals with, you know, like, my pop left when I was young, so he didn't teach me how to be a man nor how to raise a child or treat a woman. So of course, with my karma, they're the two things I don't have, right? And I have a daughter. It's the paranoia of not being a great dad."

All Single Dads Are Criminals

I remember that look. The peering eyes of ice-cold judgment, with just a hint of disgust. He reached for his cell phone like he was about to call 911 while his hateful stare pierced through me. He was making direct eye contact like he knew what I had just done. Everything was dirty. There was a seriously foul smell in the air, and flies that were boldly landing directly on my skin, and that of the innocent little 6-year-old girl in pigtails I took to this disgusting place.

I had to get out of there before anybody else could see me with her. So I grabbed that cute little blonde who was still wearing only her bathing suit and made my escape, narrowly avoiding a situation that was sure to escalate. I didn’t want any trouble, I did what I had come to do.

This feeling of shame is one I’ve felt more than once.

This particular time, I was on a daddy-daughter vacation with my kiddo in San Diego, when all of the sudden I *really* had to use the restroom. It was just me and her, and a filthy public bathroom by the beach.

Being a dad didn’t come with a handbook, and neither do daughters. Every time we were out in public and there was no family restroom, I was faced with the question, men’s bathroom or women’s? Either I take her into a women’s restroom and look like a pervert, or take her into the men’s... and look like a pervert.

I’m sure my own shiftiness and level of discomfort projected a different image. Here I am, trying to be the best dad in the world. I’m trying to show her every major kid experience she can dream of: DisneyLand, SeaWorld, camping, fishing, ocean kayaking, Ice Capades... freaking Taylor Swift concert. I’m doing all kinds of things I would never imagine myself doing, and often doing them wrong. This list also includes occasionally invading the women’s restroom, or taking my own daughter into a men’s bathroom stall while I did my business (mind you, I taught her to face the other way — I’m classy like that).

Am I sure if that’s the correct way to do things? Absolutely not. I will be honest, I have no idea. I watch moms effortlessly shuffle their little boys into the women’s restroom as they get "oohs" and "ahhs" and kids get handed lollipops for being such grown-ups, while my daughter is faced with the equivalent of an occasionally smelly timeout and a bunch of angry men hating on her dad. Even women give me “the look.” They stare in disbelief that I am allowed to be escorting a minor (without an adult companion or chaperone with less testosterone) or even running a background check first to make sure I was clean.

But I muscled through these experiences for the sake of my daughter. I made countless mistakes, always with the best intentions. I’m not a criminal; I’m just a single dad struggling to figure out the best way to do things, same as all you moms.

So what’s the point of this incredibly long prelude? Is it just to make the point that gender inequality which cuts both ways needs to stop? Is a cry against our male-dominant society? Or simply an attempt to have more family bathrooms installed on beaches?

Queue Chuck Testa: “Nope.”

The point is that we all make mistakes and are judged by other’s perceptions of us. But as long as you’re trying your best and always have positive intent, and LOVE is your driving force, these situations pale in comparison to the positive experiences that come from your actions. As a single dad, you can’t let your own fear of how people will judge you stop you from being a badass dad.

My daughter doesn’t even recall these horrific memories, which I’ve been scarred by. Those times when I had no idea what I was supposed to do, but I made judgment calls based on what I thought was best at the time. She remembers getting splashed by Shamu while wearing light up earrings with her dad. She remembers burying her dad in the sand up to his head. She remembers how beautifully terrifying the ocean can be when you’re in a 2-person canoe.

Women have dealt with gender inequality since the Paleo diet was mistakenly invented. As a man, and as a father, showing my daugher how to handle this obstacle with dignity and strength is just as important as showing her the world and just enjoying being with her.

So I fought against my own social anxiety and through that hate being projected at me, looked that man in the eye and said “It’s Friday, and it’s a beautiful day for a daddy daughter vacation. ‘Don’t nobody go in the bathroom for about thry-fi, fowty-fi minutes. Somebody open a winda.”

The guy’s demeanor quickly changed. He chuckled, my daughter and I ran back to our sand castle, and I avoided getting arrested.

But seriously, they really should have more family bathrooms in public places.

[jbox title="About The Author" border="5" radius="15"] Chris Hooley is an master of the interwebs, a good friend, a hilarious writer, and most importantly, an amazing single dad to his fantastic daughter. You can follow him on the Twitters here. If you enjoyed this post, I'd love it if you'd subscribe to the blog or the free podcast, and share it with your friends using the icons below. Thanks again for dropping by, I love you![/jbox]

My Most Terrifying Secret

Self-pity and self-loathing are running rampant and crippling some of the most incredible people this world has to offer. For me, self loathing typically sprouts its evil soul-destroying tendrils in my heart when I’ve done something incredibly dumb and I’m petrified that someone else might find out. The shame for my foolish decisions sets into my abdomen like a cold frost, then eats away at my heart like ravenous honey badger. I become consumed with a genuine fear that the revelation of my secret will devistate the people in this world that I love the most.

So, I bury my past. I find a deep dark pit in my soul where I can bury my icky parts. I live alone with my secrets in this darkness.

Most of us who have endured the pain of self-loathing and shame do so in a state of emotional solitary confinement. We suffer in secret because of a fear of how the people we love will react when they learn who we truly are.

We turn the people we love into involuntary participants in our shame.

The day I realized this, I recognized how unfair this was to my loved ones, and to myself. I was spending hours wallowing in private misery over feelings and conversations that hadn’t - and may not ever come to pass.

With this new knowledge, self-love has become a process of learning to carefully expose the things I have hidden in the darkness to the light and love of others. As I’ve learned that I am capable of being loved and accepted by others, even while standing naked before them (metaphorically, of course) with my fears, doubts, and insecurities completely exposed, learning to love myself has become incredibly rewarding.

Conquering shame and self-pity and replacing it with self-love (just like any other form of love) starts with taking that giant leap into vulnerability.

That leap into vulnerability requires raw, unadulterated courage.

It requires staring your most personal demons in the face. It means the potential of causing pain and suffering to the people you love and yearn to protect.

You must invite your loved ones to be the heroes who can help you slay your demons rather than the chains that bind you to your emotional prison. You never know. They may just surprise you.

In the spirit of practicing what I preach, I’m offer you one of my vulnerabilities. Something that I’ve had stored up inside me for a long long time. It’s a secret that very few people know about me.

I’m currently going through a crisis of faith.

I was raised in a very religious household in a very religious community, and over the past few years have begun to experience doubts and feelings of estrangement from my life-long faith…

And I’m terrified.

I’m terrified that I’ll be judged and condemned. Terrified of the potential my doubt has to disappoint or insult my deeply devout family. Terrified that this will all but eradicate my chance of being a desirable spouse. Terrified of the possibility of eternal suffering caused by my choice to willingly stray from the path of a God I’ve always claimed to know, love, and follow.

I don’t know what this doubt means about me at my core as a person, or what it means about my future. I don’t know how it will affect my most cherished relationships. But I know that I can’t carry it alone.

So now you know. And now (if the people close to me read this, which they probably will) they know. It’s time for me to start shining a light into that darkness and falling in love with my icky parts.

I invite you to do the same.

Thanks for Reading!

I originally published this post here, but I decided it was worth it to share it with you with the hope that it will help you feel a little less alone. If you enjoyed this post, I'd love it if you'd subscribe to the blog or the free podcast, and share it with your friends using the icons below. Thanks again for dropping by, I love you!

Love's Counterfeit

Have you ever fallen hard for someone - like, really hard for someone - and they just didn't feel the same way about you? It's the worst! Especially when there's no sane reason this person shouldn't like us back.

Our minds start racing for an explanation...

"What's wrong with me? Am I just broken? What is it that I'm missing that he/she wants? What can I do to be 'good enough'?"

We can spend hours dwelling on awkward moments from the past, and missed opportunities. We ache for some sort of acknowledgement. We yearn for any sign that our unobtainable lover still thinks of us, even if it's a simple "like" of one Instagram photo or a text message.

We daydream about them. We create and recreate fantasies in our heads of what could or should have happened. We try to reason out why the "right" things never came to pass. We hold onto these feelings for weeks, months... even years. We sit and mull over this person - the one who got away. Some of us even resort to fantasizing that one day (after the early death or "unfortunate" breakup with their current significant other) we'll get another chance.

We can't let them go, because we are so madly, and deeply in love with them...

WRONG!

Ok, I hate to break it to you, but what was described above is not love. This type of over-the-top, unrealistic, intense, borderline-crazy feelings for one person is called obsession... one that we have all been guilty of (at least to a small degree) at one time or another. It's rooted in our own feelings of inadequacy and a deep-seated need for validation and approval.

Obsession almost seems to be romanticized in media. Pining over someone for years is constantly portrayed as sweet or even noble in film. When we obsess, it's common to be completely blinded by our obsession until another 'better' person provides a wakeup call... and even then we can remain in brainwashed ignorance.

Love is not a need for approval, or acceptance. Love is accepting someone because of their innate human flaws and imperfection. Love can only be given, not taken. Love is selfless. It's a desire for the happiness of others, not selfish and longing for validation or self-fulfillment.

"Loving someone means we don't need them but instead we want to share our lives with them, and most importantly we want to support them on their life' journey. That means giving them the foundation to let them go and be whatever is going to allow them to grow as people and to fully experience life. There is a huge difference from "you have to stay with me no matter what" or "you can't do this to me" to "I'm here loving you; go try out life".

In obsessive relationships it is all about us not the other person. And in a strange way, even though these relationships are all about us, we have no power. By needing someone we give our power away and sometimes the recipients can be quite cruel; a game that gets set up: I give you my life and you can abuse it because the truth is I'm needy and you resent me for that."

-Deborah Calla, The Difference Between Love and Obsession

We must let go of the idea that the elusive person we always wanted but never had is the only way to feel like we are "enough." We need to stop mistaking obsession for love. It's time to love ourselves and be confident that we are "enough" regardless of whether the person we care about most loves us back or not.

As Leo Buscaglia so beautifully put it, "Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love."

If you enjoyed this post, I'd love it if you'd subscribe to the blog or the free podcast, and share it with your friends using the icons below. Thanks again for dropping by!

You Are My Sunshine

You Are My Sunshine | The Loveumentary

I was going to write a post about this, but I don't think anything I can say will do it justice. Can't we all just work for this?

A tender moment with my parents while my dad is in the hospital.

Here's the story from the original poster:

"This is my gramps in recovery from a hip replacement. He broke his hip helping an widowed neighbor who had slipped on the ice and he slipped too. Not the wisest choice given his age, but that's just who he is, always wants to help. This was a particularly hard time for him because he had just recovered from a surgery for bladder cancer a few months earlier. I'm happy to say he seems in high spirits whenever I go and play Phase 10 or Five Crowns with him and my grandma... they are an amazing couple. I wasn't sure if the internet would enjoy this vid as much as our family does, but it seems to be helping people feel the love which is all I could hope for."

Share it if you like it. Subscribe or follow on Facebook for more lovely stuff like this.

Four Lessons from a 62 Year Marriage

A few weeks ago while on a road trip I dropped by Ghirardelli Square in San Francisco to enjoy the view of Alcatraz and, let's be honest, to buy chocolate. After my stop at the chocolate store where I enjoyed a free Milk Chocolate and Caramel Square, I made my way down to the beach. The sweetness of the chocolate-caramel combo was lingering in my mouth. I plopped down on a bench, soaked in the sun, smelled the fresh cut grass, and started to read.

The perfect afternoon.

I was completely immersed in my book when suddenly something took me out of the zone. Someone was approaching my bench.

I looked up and saw Jerry. "It's a great day for a read, isn't it?" he asked as he plopped down beside me, scooting closer to make room for his wife. "Isn't that book you're reading a best seller?" Betty asked. Jerry, Betty and I were instant friends... because talking about books is the best way to become friends.

Jerry and Betty have been married for 62 years. They've experience more together than most people do in their entire lives. Here are four lessons I learned from my short conversation with this awesome couple:

Create Rituals Together

When I met Jerry and Betty, they were out for a walk together before their weekly lunch in San Francisco. It's been their weekly tradition for years. They told me about how they both love the outdoors. They grew up in Southern California during the depression where they spent every day at the beach bodysurfing.

When Jerry retired, they moved to Hawaii for a decade and, as Jerry said, "We spent every single day together in the ocean for 10 years. Every day!"

"It so nice that we both love being outdoors," Betty added.

Doing the things you enjoy is important. Spending time with the one you love is also important. Combine the two, and do things you enjoy with the one you love, and you've got magic.

Take Care of Something Together

As we got to know each other a little better, I learned that Jerry and Betty had two daughters. Both had been through divorce, and at least one has since remarried.

"Do you have any grandkids?" I asked.

"Nope," Jerry replied as he reached for his wallet. He obviously wanted to show me something. "I don't keep pictures of my kids in here, but I do keep a picture of our Grand-dog."

He pulled out a photo of a Golden Retriever. "He's our baby," said Betty.

"He sleeps at the foot of our bed, sprawled out on his back with all for legs pointing in the air!" laughed Jerry.

It was obvious that they both loved their dog. A lot.

Sharing and investing in a mutual love brings people together, whether it's a plant, a pet, or a child. Find something to nurture and love with the person you care most about. Then invest in it, and watch your love grow (figuratively and literally).

Have a Sense of Humor

After talking about kids, and dogs, and Hawaii, and lunch, I asked these two wise souls what is the secret to 62 years of marriage.

Without missing a beat, Betty said, "You have to learn to go with the flow. You need to just relax and enjoy life. When I got married, my Father gave me one piece of advice. He said, 'If you hold on to one thing, make sure it's your sense of humor.'"

It was obvious talking to Jerry and Betty that they did not take life too seriously. Nor did they take each other too seriously. The accepted each others good parts, and were able to laugh at the rest.

What are the things you can choose to laugh at instead of getting annoyed? Can you find the humor in the challenges that life inevitably throws at you instead of casting blame? How can you learn to just go with the flow?

Don't Ever Give Up

"Too many people give up when things get hard," said Jerry. "You have to stick with it for it to be worth it. It isn't always easy, but things get bad, and then they get good again. You just have to hang in there."

Nothing worth having ever came easy.

Whoever tells you that love is easy is lying. Love can be simple, but it's rarely easy. Putting the desires and goals and happiness of your parter above your own is not easy. Nurturing a relationship involving two constantly shifting and changing lives is not easy. Being kind and loving when you are tired and stressed is not easy.

Love is not easy. But with the right attitude and enough effort, it's worth it.

For more posts like this, please subscribe to the feed or follow The Loveumentary on Facebook.