I still remember the thrill of scoring my first soccer goal as a kid.

I felt a rush of endorphins and surge of confidence (which I severely lacked as a kid) as my team rallied around me and cheered!

I remember running down the field holding up 2 fingers. My parents were on their feet screaming at the top of their lungs.

It was an amazing feeling.

I was hooked.

I loved every aspect of the game. I loved playing it, watching it, coaching it. 

I even had a Brazil national team poster and a Mia Hamm door poster hanging up in my bedroom.

I think everyone has a game they love…

Is yours a sport like soccer, volleyball, or basketball.

Maybe you’re a hardcore board-gamer and you like staying up late at night playing Canasta, Pandemic, or Settlers of Catan (outlawed in our house because it always ends in a fight).

Maybe you love playing video games, and your schtick is Lego Harry Potter, or Call of Duty… or Fortnite? (Please don’t let it be Fortnite.)

Whatever your game is, take a minute and think about why you love it so much.

Is it because it’s a great distraction from the stresses you’ve got going on in your life?

Maybe it’s a fun way to connect with the people you love?

Or are you one of those super-competitive people (like my wife) who simply loves the feeling of crushing your opponents?

Now for the weird transitional question… 

What if marriage was your favorite game?

If you’ve never thought of marriage as a game, you’re not alone.

For most people, marriage feels like the complete opposite of a game… it feels like work.

However, if you treat marriage like a game, it can change EVERYTHING for you.

But you can’t play “marriage” like you play most of your favorite games.

Winning at marriage requires you to shift your thinking.

You see, there are two kinds of games: Finite games, and infinite games.

Most of the games you know and love are finite games: 

1. They have known players (the people sitting around the table, playing on the field, or holding a controller that’s plugged in (sorry little brothers around the world holding unplugged controllers, you’re not a real player.)

2. They have unchangeable rules that everyone needs to play by or the game breaks 

3. There is a clear end to the game, typically with a winner, and often… many losers.

If you play the marriage game under the conditions of a finite game, you will likely end up competing against your spouse, blaming them for your failures, or treating them like your adversary. (This is something competitive people are particularly susceptible to doing.) 

This can lead to a marriage filled with resentment, loneliness, anger, and distrust. It might even result in divorce.

If you want to play the marriage game successfully, you need to to approach it differently than you would a finite game.

You have to treat it like an infinite game: 

1. In an infinite game, there are both known and unknown players

2. The rules are flexible and can change at the players discretion 

3. The objective of the game isn’t to “win” but to keep the game going - and make it so enjoyable for the other players that they want to perpetuate the game as wel

The most important and meaningful games you will ever play in your life are infinite games, like parenting, friendship, business, and of course, marriage.

If you can learn to succeed at playing an infinite game, it will bring you SO much more long-term satisfaction than winning any finite game.

Succeeding at an infinite game means you’ve learned to cooperate with the other players to create an experience that everyone wants to participate in. And when you play the game together it gives you a sense of meaning, fulfillment, and joy

Better than the last game of Monopoly I played that made me want to flip the table and walk away.

Here are some strategies to help you succeed at the infinite game of marriage:

Have an Inspiring Vision:

At the center of every successful infinite game is a vision or cause that inspires people to join up and contribute their time, energy, and resources.

The vision can be something grandiose like “solve world hunger.”

Or it can be something simple, like “Wake up every day feeling loved, cherished, and lucky to be married to your partner.”

I recently did a whole podcast on the importance of having ideal or a goal that inspires you as part of the Marriage Ecosystem series.

A good vision will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

It is something you want badly enough that you’ll be willing to sacrifice and endure some pain to see it brought to pass.

Now, think about your marriage…

What’s your vision for it?

What kind of marriage would inspire you, motivate you, and make you excited to sacrifice so it could become a reality?

Does it involve traveling the world together?

Or maybe retiring by age 40?

Maybe it’s about leaving a legacy for your kids?

For Ty and Terri, a huge piece of their marriage vision involved giving back to their community. They founded “The Hope Center for Kids” in Omaha, Nebraska. It’s a place where underserved kids and teenagers could go after school to get mentorship, help with homework, and have somewhere to play and make friends other than the gangs on the streets.

Whatever that inspiring vision is, it’s up to you (and your partner) to create it, focus on it, and use it to motivate you, guide your choices, and keep you pointed in the right direction.

Be the Visionary Leader:

To play a successful infinite game, you need to have a leader.

“To ask, “What’s best for me” is finite thinking. To ask, “What’s best for us” is infinite thinking.”

-Simon Sinek

A good leader is the person who paints a clear picture of the vision for the other players. They’re constantly reminding them, “This is why we’re playing the game.” And “This is why I want to play this game with you…”

A great leader sees the value in the strengths of others… especially when they compliment the leaders weaknesses.

They lead by praising the behaviors that lead to the outcomes they desire, rather than using fear, intimidation, or threats to get results.

STORY HERE

A good leader removes obstacles for the other players, and makes it easy for them to succeed.

One of my favorite marriage quotes is by Dr. Terry Real. He says, “It’s your responsibility to give your partner everything they need in order to give you what you need.”

For example, it’s not fair for me to get upset with my wife for being late to an important event unless I give her what she needs to be on time! That might include:

• Make sure she knows exactly when we need to leave, and why it’s important. (“We need to leave by 5:00 sharp, otherwise we’ll get stuck in rush hour traffic, and be 30 minutes late.)

• Making sure I give her enough advanced notice so she can get ready (Don’t tell her at 4:45… that’s setting her up to fail.)

• Asking her if there’s anything she’s got on her plate that would cause her to be late, and offering to help however I can (like picking up the dry cleaning so she can wear her favorite dress)

Leaders help other team members succeed at playing the game.

Allow for Vulnerability

In order for players of an infinite game to want to play – especially over the long term – they need to feel safe to be themselves.

You’d be surprised how many couples are held back because they are afraid to take off the masks they’re wearing.

Whether it’s a literal mask, and you’re afraid to let your partner see you naked,  or without makeup…

Or whether it’s a metaphorical mask – maybe you feel like you always need to put on a happy face and pretend “everything is fine” even when it’s not.

If you don’t feel like you’ll be accepted for being your true self in your relationship, there’s only close close you can get.

I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard say something like, “Our marriage would be SO much better if my partner would just ________.”

Often times the thing they list is an inherent personality trait the their partner will likely never change. They don’t realize what they’re saying is, “Our marriage would be SO much better if my partner was somebody else.”

That comment might make you laugh… or it might hit really close to home and make you cringe.

When you allow for vulnerability in your marriage, you celebrate your differences rather than punishing each other for them.

You allow each other to take risks and make mistakes. 

You don’t make each other live in fear of retribution or retaliation if things don’t pan out perfectly, or if you don’t get your way.

You accept your partner for exactly who they are, including their strengths and weaknesses.

Choose a Worthy Adversary

In a finite game, your adversary is meant to be defeated.

There is a winner, and there is a loser. You want to be the winner. You want your adversary to be the loser.

An infinite game is different.

Your adversary is meant to be treated with respect. Your success or failure doesn’t have anything to do with your adversary’s success or failure.

Your adversary is simply used as a mirror against which you can compare yourself in order to become aware of your weaknesses, shortcomings, and areas for growth.

In marriage, your adversary should push you to improve. To be more kind, more thoughtful, more patient. To look for new ways to appreciate your partner or create spontaneity and surprise.

In your infinite game, your worthy adversary pushes you harder than anyone else to become the best version of yourself in order to fulfill your just cause.

Be Flexible With Your Game Plan

One of the quickest paths to failure when playing an infinite game is to commit to a “fixed strategy.”

If you think your marriage should follow a specific game plan - and anything that deviates from that plan is a failure - you are going to have a rough time.

So many people approach life as a finite game with milestones that indicate whether they are winning or losing.

This was mine: 

> Graduate high school at 18 

    > Graduate college in early 20’s 

        > Get a great career    

            > Get married in mid 20’s 

                > Buy a house

                    > Have babies in late 20’s and early 30’s…

(At some point you may have envisioned a similar story for yourself.)

Well guess what? 

MY LIFE DIDN’T HAPPEN THAT WAY!

I’ve quit jobs, moved back in with my parents, started multiple businesses, I didn’t get married till my 30’s, I still don’t have kids…

I’ve had to be flexible with my plan!

When you’re unable to be flexible with your plan, you’ll self-destruct. 

I’ve seen it happen. People have complete meltdowns. They say, “My life isn’t supposed to look like this!”

They miss all that is good in their life, because they can’t be flexible.

They surrender their happiness to things outside their control.

If you want to be happy in life and marriage, you have to be flexible.

You have to adapt to whatever life throws at you, and be committed to make the best of it.

That’s what it means to have a flexible game plan.

Are You Ready to Play?

There’s no game more enjoyable than an infinite game if you can learn to play it well.

Your marriage is the ultimate infinite game.

No other infinite game will bring you as much joy, fulfillment, happiness, peace, and contentment.

How will your life change if you start treating your marriage like an infinite game?

In what ways are you treating it like a finite game, and how is that holding you back?

Let’s experiment in 2020 and see what happens if you treat your marriage like an infinite game… leave your ideas for how to be successful in the comments!

Over the last few weeks I’ve been laying the groundwork for the Growth Ecosystem - the 3 fundamental principles you need to have in place to achieve your goals over the long-term, and experience explosive growth in your life (and in your marriage):

1. Have a goal that inspires and motivates you (just like plants strive towards the sun).

2. Surround yourself with a supportive and nurturing community (just like plants use soil to hold them in place during rough weather).

3. Develop a system of regular accountability you can rely on to facilitate your journey towards your goals (just like plants rely on a steady supply of water… or they die).

After nearly a decade of interviewing, studying, and learning from the top marriage experts on the planet, the Growth Ecosystem is what I believe sets apart the most extraordinary marriages from the ones that fail.

It’s not just about having a growth mindset! That’s only part of what you need to create a life you love.

You are limited by your mindset if you don’t have an environment that will enable your growth.

This idea of the Growth Ecosystem is at the foundation of everything I do here with the Growth Marriage.

Every email send you, every course I create, every podcast episode I publish, every social media post I… uh… post… 

It’s all in service to this mission:

• Can I help you get closer to the life and marriage you want?

• Can I provide you with an encouraging and supportive community?

• Can I help hold you accountable so you can accelerate your growth?

So, here’s 2 weird things about me…

1. I think about my death a lot.

2. I’m weirdly altruistic

At the end of my life, I want to be remembered for being the guy who helped people have amazing marriages.

I want that to be my contribution to the world. My legacy.

That’s it.

It’s literally what I think about every single day.

With that context in mind, today’s podcast episode is about something special that I’ve been working on for quite a while with my good friend, Laura Heck.

It’s called the Epic Wives Experiment.

Here’s why I’m excited about it.

Laura and I talk to wives who feel overwhelmed, burned-out, and lonely nearly every day.

Maybe you can relate?

(I don’t know about you, but when I got married, that’s not what I hoped my marriage would feel like.)

Ultimately, here’s what we want for wives:

• We want you to feel cherished, loved and adored by your husband

• We want you to carry less of the emotional and mental load in your marriage

• We also want your marriage to feel fun, exciting, and flirty again

Does that sound good?

That’s exactly why we created the Epic Wives Experiment.

We see so many wives spinning their wheels, trying to get more done in less time, carrying the bulk of the responsibility for the quality of their relationship on their shoulders… and frankly, they end up burned-out, tired, and resentful.

We don’t want that for you.

Most women do one of two things when they’re feeling burned-out:

Some women put on their super-hero cape and take on all the responsibilities they wish they had help with… even if it means sacrificing themselves in the process. Then they guiltily complain about a husband who isn’t pulling his weight.

The other group of women completely shut down. They turn off the physical and emotional intimacy in their marriage so they have the energy to do everything else. They pretend nothing is wrong, and accept this intimacy-free version of life as normal.

I don’t know about you, but neither of those options sounds very fun to me.

So Laura and I have spent months creating an alternative.

We’ve put together  a series of powerful experiments for you to conduct in your marriage that are designed to get you more love, connection, and support… all while putting in less time and effort.

Regardless of whether you’ve been married for 7 months or 70 years, you’re going to wake up next to a partner who wants to contribute more around the house, free up your time, support you emotionally, and be excited about doing it!

Maybe you’ll even start to reconnect with that flirty… (and dare I say seductive?) side of yourself that might have gone into hibernation for a while.

So, here’s what you’re gonna get when you join us in this month-long experiment:

• First, every week for 4 weeks you’ll get a dynamite LIVE lesson developed by me and Laura. These lessons are jam-packed with the information and tools that most people would pay hundreds of dollars in coaching or therapy to get from us.

• Next, we’re giving you 3 powerful experiments to test on your partner every week. These experiments will help you discover new and effective ways to create positive shifts in your partner’s behavior.

• Third, we’re going to give you access to our Epic Wives Facebook group where we’ll be holding you accountable, answering any questions you might have, and celebrating your wins with you.

(Do you see how we’re giving you every piece of the Growth Ecosystem here? An inspiring goal, a community, and a system of accountability.)

Now, those are the things that everybody gets… but I like to over-deliver. So I want to throw in some cool bonuses for taking action today!

One of them is a special 1-hour training at the end of this one-month experience. The training will teach you what you can do to become an expert at successfully having hard conversations with your partner.

The goal is to help you resolve the challenges that once took you days to recover from in hours… or even minutes.

If you take what you learn from this training, you will get so good at managing conflicts that your marriage will never go into crisis mode where you feel like you need to go to therapy to save it… or worse… talk about divorce.

We’re also going to be giving away amazing prizes for those who are active in the Epic Wives Experiment… like gift certificates to cleaning services, subscriptions to Disney+, and massages.

And we’re not going to charge you hundreds or even thousands of dollars that other people would have to pay to get this very same information through therapy or coaching!

It’s only $39 bucks!

That’s less than my wife spent on Christmas candles this year. (Our house smells like a pine forest.)

Click here if you are in, and sign up.

If you have more questions, click here, and you can read up on all the details, including the “Good Guy Guarantee.” (If you participate in the Epic Wives Experiment, and you’re not feeling less stressed, and more excited about your marriage by the end, I’ll just refund you 100% of your money. I’m that confident that you’ll have an amazing experience that I’ve assumed all the risk here.)

This is how I get people results in their marriage.

I create the environment for them to flourish, then invite them to come take the plunge.

Let’s be honest, if you don’t participate, you’ll probably think back to this email around Valentines day in February and wonder how much better your marriage could have been if you’d just taken the plunge.

Let’s set up 2020 to be the best year of your marriage so far!

See you in the Epic Wives Community! (And if you’re a husband, I hope I see your wife in there.)

-Nate

Over the last 3 weeks, I’ve been breaking down this new idea I call the Growth Ecosystem.

The idea is that having a growth “mindset” is not enough to create change in your life.

Most people can dig deep and make positive short-term changes to their lives — like sticking to a new health routine, writing a few chapters of that book you’ve had in your head, or strengthening that weak spot in your marriage.

But if they’re not living in an environment that encourages those changes to stick, they fall off the bandwagon, old habits take over, and they find themselves right back where they began.

Nothing feels worse than putting in a sincere effort to change your life for the better… and failing.

Enter the Growth Ecosystem.

Two episodes ago I talked about having a goal, or an ideal to strive for… just like a plant constantly strives for the sun.

A good goal inspires you.

It provides you with meaning and purpose.

And as Victor Frankyl says, “A man with a why can overcome any how.”

Your goals keep you focused.

And when your purpose is clear and meaningful, the struggles that come between you and your goal become opportunities.

Last week we talked about how your you absorb the beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors of the people you spend the most time with… just like a plant absorbs nutrients from the soil.

Your community will also keep you firmly rooted in your values when the storms of life come along.

But if your community isn’t a positive influence on you, these storms can was you away, and you can lose everything that’s important to you.

The people you surround yourself with matter more than you know.

Today I want to talk about the third (and last) part of the Growth Ecosystem.

Can you guess what it is?

You’re right! It’s the “Water.”

In nature, water = life and growth.

If plants can’t access a relatively steady supply of water, they dry up and die.

Look at a desert, for example.

Life is pretty sparse… until you stumble across an oasis.

An oasis can be as simple as a little mud puddle. But around that mud puddle is life!

Animals. Plants. EVERYTHING gathers around water.

Without water, you whither up and die.

Now, think of nearly any are of your life where you’ve experienced real, meaningful, and measurable growth.

Maybe you were learning a musical instrument. Maybe you were learning a new skill or subject in school. Maybe you were excelling in a sport.

What was the common denominator that contributed to that persistent, and maybe even explosive growth?

Accountability!

Think about it, if a professional athlete wants to get a slight edge on the competition, what do they do?

They hire a coach to critique their game, find all the areas where they’re weak, and run them through persistent drills to strengthen their weaknesses.

If you want your kid to learn a musical instrument, what do you do?

You put them in a room with a much better musician! Someone who can show them the ropes, teach them new techniques, send them home to practice, then check in on their progress a few days later.

Whether it’s a coach, a teacher, a boss, a therapist, or just a supportive friend, explosive growth occurs when someone (other than yourself) is holding you accountable!

Now think about your marriage.

Have you ever thought about implementing a system of accountability to help you create the most epic marriage possible?

Most people haven’t.

But the principle definitely holds true! That’s why therapy works for so many distressed couples. It has less to do with sitting down to talk about your “feelings” every week… and more to do with the fact that the therapist is holding you accountable every week to do the kind of things that make you a better partner. But therapy isn’t for everyone?

Most people go see a therapist because their marriage (or their life) is in crisis.

Odds are that’s not you.

So, if you want to maximize your potential for growth, what’s your alternative?

Here are some ideas for you:

1. Find some marriage mentors. Ask a couple whose relationship you admire to meet with you once every few weeks or months. Tell them you want them to help you create an amazing marriage like theirs. Ask them for help navigating obstacles. Seek their counsel when you make big decisions. Marriage mentors are an amazing resource. Our marriage mentors are some of our best friends! (“We love you too, David and Gretchen.”)

2. Hire a therapist or coach. Just like the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, the best time to find a therapist or coach is when you don’t desperately need one. One of the first things my wife and I did when we got married was find a therapist we love and trust. We told her we wanted to use her as maintenance to help us navigate small issues before they became big problems. We love her, and every time we go in, she tells us she LOVES seeing us.

3. Start, or find your own marriage group. Some churches have groups like this. I know several people who have cultivated a group of couples that get together on the regular to connect and have “real talk.” If you go this route, make sure you’re meeting with people who are willing to be vulnerable and share what’s going on in their life… and someone who will be an advocate of the relationship, and encourage you to be your best. (Remember the importance of your “soil.”)

You might love these suggestions.

Or maybe they won’t sound very doable for you...

So, I want to give you one last way you can implement a system of accountability in your life.

Laura Heck and I have been working on a really cool thing for you… if you’re a wife.

(Don’t worry, dudes. We’ve got coming in the works for you as well.)

It’s called the Epic Wives Experiment.

Starting the first week of January, we’re going to be running a group of Epic Wives through a series of specially-designed experiments to see if we can get them huge results in a short amount of time.

The most important aspect of this Experiment is that we’re going to be holding everyone accountable… and even motivating the women who participate every week with prizes like gift cards to cleaning services, massages, and more!

I’ll tell you more about it tomorrow... but if you want to have a built-in system of accountability to start 2020 off with the kind of momentum that could make it the best month of your marriage EVER, then you should come join us!

Now you have the most powerful framework I can give you.

Just like a seed, when you put yourself into the Growth Ecosystem, success comes naturally and growth is inevitable.

Your progress will increase, your potential will be unlocked.

I hope you use this framework to create positive momentum in every area of your life… including your marriage.

-Nate

P.S. The Growth Ecosystem is something I developed with the help of my business partner, Kenton. The more we teach it, the more we get excited about it.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on it so far.

Has it unlocked any ideas for you? Are you excited to get back in the game and shoot for a big, hairy, audacious goal? Do you feel hope where you may not have felt it before?

Reply to this email and let me know? I’d love to hear what learning about this framework has done for you.

On last week’s podcast episode, I told you that after interviewing hundreds of madly-in-love couples, and the world’s top marriage experts (like Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, or Drs. John and Julie Gottman from The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work), I pieced together a powerful, life-changing principle that nobody else is talking about.

Yet, the most fulfilled couples on the planet are living this principle… most of the time without even knowing it…

I call it The Growth Ecosystem.

The idea is that if you want a seed to grow, all you need to do is put it in the right ecosystem:

Whenever I go to a party and someone asks, “So, what do you do?” I smile and take a deep breath

“I help people have amazing marriages.”

“Oh, so you’re a therapist?” they inevitably ask.

“Nope! I have no desire to be a therapist. Thought about it for a while… even got accepted into some great programs. But therapy is not my thing.”

“Oh… so… what do you do then?”

It’s fun to see their reactions when I tell them that back in 2012 when I went on a cross-country road trip to discover the secrets of true love by interviewing the most blissfully in-love couples I could find.

Some people look at me confused. “So… you’re… not a therapist?”

Other people are immediately entranced. “Woah! That sounds amazing!”

Then comes the inevitable question…

“So… what’s the secret?! What did you learn?  What do I need to know to have epic love?”

For a long time I bounced between a bunch of super cliché answers.

“Don’t be afraid to be the one who loves the most.”

“It’s more about how you handle your arguments than what you fight about, or how often.”

“Be kind. The best marriages are based on a foundation of friendship.”

“Learn to set and maintain boundaries and practice self-love. You can’t give if your cup is empty.”

Don’t get me wrong… this is all great advice. But I never felt like any of these statements were an accurate summary of what I learned.

I was hunting for “the” thing to share with people that would blow their minds.

It wasn’t until the last few years that I really started to distill all that I’ve learned over the past several years into one powerful, relationship-transforming takeaway.

But now I have it.

I honestly believe that if couples truly wanted to feel a deep sense of connection, passion, playfulness, honest communication, deep trust (like they can trust their partner to be there for them in the darkest times of their life), equal partnership, kindness, compassion, and excitement… 

All they would have to do if adopt this one specific principle that I’ve distilled from tens of thousands of hours of learning from the top marriage experts in the world.

Want to know what it is?

You can find it in the first episode of the Growth Marriage Podcast. (I’ve rebranded The Loveumentary to Growth Marriage, and I thought this topic would be the perfect first episode to relaunch the podcast with a new format.)

Click here to listen to the episode on iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher, or Google Podcasts. 

It’s pretty short… like 10 minutes long.

After this episode where I introduce this special, secret principle, I’ll take the next 3-4 weeks and do a deep dive into it with my good friend and Certified Gottman Therapist, Laura Heck.

I am 100% certain that if you listen and apply what you hear, it will change your life, and can transform your marriage in the VERY best ways.

-Nate

At the very core of good fitness is one important question - are you getting in the reps?

This week I got to sit down with Dr. Mark Chamberlain. Mark has PhD in Clinical Psychology and specializes in helping people navigate the process of forgiveness, specifically in situations where it’s really hard, like when one member of the partnership struggles with addiction. You can listen to our conversation in the podcast above and get more details on forgiveness in the post below…

“...We come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide. Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one. Give me comfort, give me edge. Give me novelty, give me familiarity. Give me predictability, give me surprise. And we think it's a given, and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that.”

–Esther Perel