Practice Creates The Master

Practice makes perfect.

But practice - good practice - is rarely easy. It requires dedication and perseverance. It requires us to push through walls and do things we don't want to do.

Practicing love, especially when loving is hard, is the only way to master it.

You don't need to talk about it, justify it, or even dream about it. You just need to practice.

What areas in your life need improving? How can you lean into the discomfort and pain and force yourself to fall in love with the practice?

Follow me on Instagram. It will be awesome.

Your Choices Make You Who You Are

To me, choice is the most powerful thing in the world.

Your ability to choose is something nobody can take away from you. In it lies your personal power to create a life and a love that you desire.

Your choices make you who you are. They define your relationships. They are the foundation of your character. They create your path and show the world whether you're courageous or cowardly, loving or apathetic, hopeful or resigned.

The best thing about choice is that if you don't like the path you're on, the relationships you've formed, or the character you've created for yourself, you can change it right now...

With one choice.

I'm going to try to start blogging more regularly, but making the blog posts a little shorter. I'd love to hear what you think about that format.

Also, will you follow me on Instagram because I asked nicely?

How I Cultivated Self-love with Vulnerability and Comedy

I just wrapped up my 28th year on planet Earth and my first year as an aspiring comedian. With immense gratitude I can honestly say without a doubt it was the best year of my life (so far). Not every part of it was happiness and bliss. Some of my darkest days also occurred in that same year but the bright light of the good days erased the shadows. The keys to this breakout year for me was embracing vulnerability, exploring my inner-goofball, and willing to love my authentic self. I’ve always had an inner-goofball but I suppressed it for most of my life. I can’t say I had the happiest childhood despite growing up in Naperville, a place that paints the illusion of blissful upper-middle class suburbia. As an unhappy child who was told by the media, my church, my school, my friends, and my parents that I should be happy, I felt the need to hide my misery. I carried a lot of shame because part of me bought the narrative that having plenty of material things should have made me happy. Out of fear of not wanting people to see my unhappiness I rarely displayed any emotion at all. It became an ingrained defense mechanism. When I was torn up inside, I looked neutral. When I was ecstatic and beaming on the inside, I looked like an emotionless android from Blade Runner. It took me almost three decades to finally release my inner-goofball and pave the road towards becoming a comedian.

This journey of becoming my authentic self began a couple years ago after reading Brené Brown’s incredibly successful book, “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead." The book was recommended to me by Loveumentary Contributor, Amber Rae. Brené’s research describes the power of vulnerability. She teaches that vulnerability is actually a strength, not a weakness. The title “Daring Greatly” comes from a quote by Teddy Roosevelt that inspired Brené. His famous “Man in the Arena” speech:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

I get chills every time I read this quote. Critics can destroy you. Whether they are random strangers or peers, they can be vicious. Sometimes we are our own worst critic. When we are vulnerable and we allow the venom of unqualified critics into our psyche, we feel massive shame. This shame is what keeps us from wanting to be vulnerable. Brené says shame is, “the fear of disconnection”. Why should we fear disconnection from people we are not connected to? In Brown’s talk at the 99u Conference last year she said, “If you aren’t in the arena getting your ass kicked with me, I’m not interested in your feedback.”

After internalizing and embracing the strength that can come from vulnerability, it was time to practice what I started preaching and do something I'd always wanted to do... I decided to take a risk and give live comedy a shot.

In the spring of 2013 I began to seek out venues to perform a comedy bit I had been thinking about for a while. My idea was to talk about how Chipotle Mexican Grill could save the world from this terrible condition called Chipotle Deficiency Syndrome (CDS). CDS is responsible for practically every problem the world faces and if there were enough Chipotles across the globe, we would have a happy and peaceful planet. I applied to speak at Ignite Chicago. Within a few weeks of applying, I received notice that I was accepted. I would perform a 5 minute TED talk parody at Chicago’s coolest venue, the tech hub known as 1871. My talk was going to take place on my 28th birthday. I thought of this as the best present I could give to myself.

Too many times I had terrorized myself by imagining what it would feel like to be on stage, alone, trying to make people laugh. Public performances of any kind make most people frightened, but in my mind, live comedy takes it to a whole different level. I can’t imagine anything more awkward than trying to be funny on stage and absolutely bombing. Performing at Ignite Chicago was supposed to be a one-and-done, scratch-it-off-my-bucket-list event. The problem is, it went really well. I dared greatly. I entered the arena. I didn’t get my ass kicked. I kicked ass. My comfort zone expanded to levels I never thought possible. The rush I experienced after performing was something I will never forget. It’s the type of high that hooks people to come back for more. Satisfying my appetite for the comedic high wasn’t going to be easy. I had to be willing to be vulnerable again and put myself at risk to possible unwarranted shame. This time I was going to try a different form of comedy. It was now time for me to enter the improv arena.

In January of this year I participated in Fear Experiment. For 3 months, me and 16 other amateurs studied improv and then performed in front of 600 people at Park West, in Lincoln Park. Prior to starting our classes, I was terrified. I thought of improv as the ability to constantly be super witty at all times. My improv teacher Pete Aiello cooled my nerves a bit at the beginning of our first class when he said improv isn’t about trying to be funny. It’s about being in the moment and learning not to judge yourself. It’s about saying “Yes and”. No matter what you say is happening, you go with it. Even if it seems totally ridiculous, don’t judge it, just own it. The most important rule is, “If it feels stupid, do it harder.”

Suddenly I wasn’t scared of improv, at least while I was performing in class. I had permission to do whatever I want, to not be judged for it, and I could never be wrong. As weeks of improv class went by, I noticed that the improv mentality of not judging myself and being in the moment had spilled over into the rest of my life. I was having better conversations with people. I was less afraid to speak my mind in the face of controversy and I generally became more playful. I really started to enjoy this new side of me.

As the countdown to our big day came closer, I was still a little bit intimidated by the fact that I was going to be on stage in front of hundreds of people. Before I started Fear Experiment, I felt that the big show would be one of the most important days of my life. It would be a launching point for me to not be a different person, but to be the person I have always kept hidden. A big part of me was not happy with who I was and have been disappointed that I had not been my authentic self. It is often said, you need to love yourself before you can love someone else, and I want to be happily married with kids someday. In the few weeks before the show, I began to think of the big show as a wedding. There is a ton of preparation before the big day, including a rehearsal. Friends and family were going to be there to watch all of us have the time of our lives. This was going to be a wedding to myself. I feel partially embarrassed to say that because it sounds super cheesy, but screw it, I’m willing to be vulnerable!

When the big show arrived, I was pumped. I had never been so excited in my life. Being on stage with a huge audience staring at me with stage lights shining down didn’t phase me a bit. Each time we went off stage I couldn’t wait to go back on for our next segment. It was such a bizarre feeling. Less than a year before that, I was dreading being on stage and now I felt it was going to be hard to get me to leave. My wedding day didn’t end with an “I do” or big kiss, but an “I am”. I am me and no one else. The whole experience was without a doubt the greatest moment of my life (so far).

As months have passed since Fear Experiment ended, I’ve continued taking more improv classes and even experimented with a new form of comedy. I began writing Onion-style satirical articles. On the last day before I turned 29-years-old, I had my first piece published at the Libertarian Republic. I sent my publisher a short bio to include at the bottom of my article, which read:

“Ryan Lazarus is an entrepreneur, future Oscar/Emmy winner, writer, and a great connector of people, ideas, and talent. A libertarian. Chipotletarian. Comedian?”

My publisher dropped the “?” and left “Comedian.” I’m no Louis CK but I feel like I can actually call myself a comedian now. You don’t have to be Elton John to call yourself a musician or be Bobby Flay to call yourself a chef. If Carlos Mencia can call himself a comedian, so can I.

My article did better than I expected. I can’t think of a better way to wrap up my year of comedy. After such an amazing year I couldn’t be more grateful. So many people have helped me, encouraged me, and inspired me to pursue my passion. I take nothing for granted. Having an attitude of gratitude has allowed me to fully appreciate how good life can be and how many wonderful people are now in my life.

A year or two ago I would have been terrified to write this piece, let alone share it on the Internet where an infinite amount of eyes have the potential to see it. That was the old me, or actually, the lesser version of me. I’m now my authentic self and I love that. I’m now seeking a woman who also loves herself and who can love me back. No more waiting. I’m ready for love and it feels great!

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] Ryan is a film school dropout turned entrepreneur. He is a Co-Founder of Effioa Capital. His company focuses on infrastructure development in underserved areas of India. Effioa also utilizes its strong network and experience to assist companies that wish to expand into India.

He is a Contributor to The Libertarian Republic where he focuses on satirical writing and political commentary. Ryan is also currently writing a screenplay for a satirical hip-hop musical about the war on drugs. Do you make hip-hop beats or want to help? You can reach out to him on Facebook and Twitter.

Check out his new obscurely named blog, “The There There Optimist”.[/jbox]

I'm With You

“I’m with you,” I said to her late last night as we held each other tight. I held her and listened, to all her worries. Tears slowly falling down her cheeks, overwhelmed with stress, wondering how we’re going to pay our bills through the winter. Worried our son might have a relapse. Feeling like she’s letting us all down. Scared to pursue things that matter because we’ve failed in the past and she just doesn’t want to feel that pain again. “I’m with you,” I repeated. Three words to let her know I hear her. Three words to let her know “You matter to me, my love.” Offering no judgements. Offering no advice. Just listening. Listening and wrapping my arms around her as tight as I can.

“I’m with you.” My wife needed to know, she’s not perfect, and it doesn’t matter at all, because I’m with her. I don’t need a perfect wife. I need a wife who’s not afraid to love with her whole heart. Letting her know I’m here, with her, no matter what…no matter how hard this season of life we’re currently in is, we’re together…fighting through the shit together. Fighting because our lives matter.

Fighting because she’s worth every ounce of joy and pain and suffering and love and her kisses and her touch and belly laughs and late night slow dances and the times when we don’t even have to say anything at all to each other, we just relax into each others arms and the adventures we share with each other and our kids. Our kids deserve a whole separate run on sentence.

It’s all worth it. This life, with her by my side, is worth it.

I’m with you. Three simple words I first heard in Bob Goff’s amazing book, Love Does. These words are powerful. They let someone know it’s OK to open up. That you’ve given them a safe space for them to be themselves, fully. Three words to let someone know they are loved.

And, isn’t that what we want in life the most? To know we’re loved, valued and appreciated? Ultimately, that’s where we find happiness and joy, in those times when we’re completely ourselves, loved and supported 100%.

It’s so easy, to offer advice. I have this innate desire to fix her problems. Especially when my wife is scared or hurting. I want to do anything I can to take away her pain and end her suffering and ease her worries. I want her to be OK and happy. Yet, sometimes, even though I feel I can do this for her, sometimes, all she wants is for me to listen. To just listen and not try and help.

Sharing our worries and fears and problems with others somehow, is enough to help. Saying things out loud, seems to ease their stranglehold they wield so mightily over us.

So, for now, all I want my wife to hear is this… “I’m with you, my love.”

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] Josh Solar is a giver of love, creator of art, and an influence for good in the world. If you love love, you will love his blog, (where today's post was originally published) Josh Solar Loves You, and keeping up with his amazing family at The Happy Family Movement. I highly recommend you check out his podcast episode on The Loveumentary as well. [gravityform id="2" name="Subscribe" title="false" description="false"][/jbox]

Episode #47 - Jason and Mindy Dammen

In this week's episode we sit down with Jason and Mindy. My favorite thing about sitting down with these two was that they changed my expectations of what true love really is. I had developed an expectation half way through the Loveumentary Road Trip that all of the most amazing couples would be really outspoken, dynamic, and extroverted. I left Jason and Mindy's home feeling so... full, and yet so different from other couples we talked to. It made me realize that there really are no rules when creating your love. It can be whatever you want it to be. Whether it's traveling the world filming movies like Torben and Marissa, or helping underprivileged kids on the rough side of town like Ty and Terri, or raising an awesome little family in Nebraska like Jason and Mindy... there is no mold, recipe, or rule. You get to make it your own.

I hope you enjoy this interview!

In this conversation, we discuss:

• Love at first sight.

• The importance and meaningfulness of the "little things."

• Managing finances and overcoming debt.

• Marriage rituals.

• Living your faith inside your marriage.

• Marriage takes work every day... want to know what that work looks like? Good. We talk about it here.

• Love will find you when you're least expecting it.

You Have Love Cancer and You Don't Even Know It...

Today's post was inspired by this week's podcast. You can listen to it here:

The Disease

There's something eating away at your ability to love.

It's running rampant in our culture. Experts believe that it's one of the leading contributors to breakups, divorces, and failed relationships.

This cancer slowly chokes off the intimacy and connection you crave and leaves you feeling empty and emotionally and physically exhausted.

It creeps into your life slowly. You don't even notice at first. Then the symptoms start to manifest:

• You're tired all the time.
• You experience high stress.
• You feel a loss of connection and intimacy with your partner.
• Your perception of time is skewed. The days seem to drag on for weeks and the weeks seem to fly by like days.
• You crave excitement and novelty and reflect on the days when those things were present in your life.

The list of symptoms goes on and will continue to grow...

You look at your life and wonder what's happening. Why it's unraveling. How you got to this place.

You are desperate to reclaim the love and freedom you once enjoyed, but you feel like a prisoner in your own life. You can't escape. You're stuck. "This is just what happens in life," you tell yourself. "You fall in love. You get married. You have a family. Then you just try to hold it all together."

When you suffer from this Love Cancer, it changes the positive expectations you had of marriage on your wedding day. No longer do they hope for a life full of passion and adventure and excitement. You begin to think that maybe a successful marriage is just a marriage that doesn't end in divorce.

Your idealism is all but gone. Realism and pragmatism start to set in. Maybe even some cynicism.

You start to forget what love once meant to you... and it spreads.

The cancer of which I'm speaking is BUSYNESS, and it has a cure.

The Cure

The cure to busyness is different than most cures. There is no pill. There's no routine. There's no new habits or procedures you have to implement. As a matter of fact, it's the very opposite.

To cure the Cancer of Love, you have to stop doing so much!

Every day things get in the way of connecting with those you love. You have work commitments, PTA meetings, deadlines, soccer practice for the kids, piano lessons, house cleaning, coffee dates with friends, the car needs an oil change and new tires, you have errands to run, parties to plan, events to attend, church commitments, service projects, pets to feed, and the neighbor needs a helping hand.

The cure to Love Cancer is learning how to start saying, "No."

We often forget that by saying, "Yes" to something it means we have to say "No" to other things. When you first got married, you would never say, "Yes" to a PTA Meeting and "No" to sex. How often does something like that happen now?

How often do you say "Yes" to working late, and "No" to date night?

Do you ever say, "Yes" to an attempt clean house and "No" to 10 minutes of present conversation and connection after a long week?

What are you saying "Yes" to in your life at the expense of the love you once had? What things are you saying "Yes" to that you should maybe consider saying, "No" to every now and then?

“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.”

― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

What do you think? Is busyness the enemy of love? What things have you mistakenly made priorities? How can you do better at keeping your priorities in the right place? Let me know in the comments!

Episode #46 - Jackson Dunn with Focus on the Family

In this week's episode we sit down with Jackson Dunn, the Director of Marriage and Family Formation at Focus on the Family. Jackson's goals with the Marriage Division at Focus on the Family are to provide resources for couples preparing for marriage, to enrich the lives of married couples and to help couples in crisis. He was formerly the Director of University Ministries at the Center for Relationship Enrichment on the campus of John Brown University. In this position, he taught relationships courses, oversaw a national student assessment, directed a national couples retreat program, and helped developed a community premarital and marriage program. He is an awesome dude who loves being married, loves his family, loves the work he does... and I think you'll love listening to him.

In this conversation, we discuss:

• Raising the bar on love. The measure of a good marriage should not simply be that you don't get divorced.

• As much as we like to make our problems about other people, the only thing you can control or take responsibility for is you. The quality of your relationship is up to you.

• What's your definition of a thriving marriage?

• Busyness is the enemy of amazing loving relationships.

• The importance of intentional living every single day. Not just on important days/occasions.

• What it means to judge the quality of a husband by the radiance of his wife.

• Do you think the negative things associated with love and marriage are normal? Or are they just normal for your experience?

How Can I Make This Day More Pleasurable For You?

My hubby and I have a game we play to deepen our connection, get out of ruts, or to be in service of replenishing each others feeling of surplus.The game can be played by the hour, the day, the month... whatever timeline feels best so that you both are in optimal surplus.

This morning I was the one feeling depleted and overwhelmed. He restarted the game by flirtatiously asking, "How can I make this day more pleasurable for you?"

This game sounds easier than it is. It requires that the receiver stop playing victim or martyr and take responsibility for their needs and wants, be able/willing to express them, and gracefully receive the others aid.

In order for this to work cleanly, it also requires the giver to be genuinely generous, not aiding with undercurrents of resentment, imposition or burden. It's actually the opposite, it requires taking pleasure from making someone's day easier and better.

I am generally emotionally and behaviorally flexible, but when I am tired or low resourced I still have difficulty answering this question. Today I wanted to default to victim mode, "There's nothing you can do, it's all up to me." (Yes, I'm noticing the manipulative current of resentment embedded in there and also shame and guilt for wanting/needing anything versus being totally self sufficient.)

But that's the whole point of the game - to pattern-interrupt those default modes that assert we are alone carrying the burdens of the universe and don't get to have help.

After 5 minutes of complaining he shimmies a bit closer and teases, "You still haven't answered the question. How can make this day more pleasurable?"

He's right. I still haven't answered the question. There's that guilty feeling again. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and try. What can I give myself permission to ask for that would contribute to my being in surplus?

How about a hug?

He happily obliges. I smile thinking he's like a male Amma. For as long as I've known him, one of his gifts are his love soaked hugs.

My nervous system begins to relax. I feel better.

Anyone up for playing this game with someone you are close to today? I'm curious what kinds of requests you have that would make your day more pleasurable?

Here's a few more of mine:

• Massage
• Exercise
• Hot tub
• Help with kids
• Healthy lunch made for me
• Love notes reminding me of something lovable about me
• Sleeping in
• alone time
• a movie
• 5 minutes of complaining (i got this one already, but i wanted to point out that sometimes the 5 min bitch + moan session is a great service. the overload just needs to come out and then i can move past it)

What is on your list?

---

Don't forget to participate in National Love Note Day! Click the button below to join in the fun, and make someone's day a little more pleasurable.

[jbutton size="xlarge" color="blue" link="https://www.facebook.com/events/1464347997184082/"]Join Love Note Day![/jbutton]

Episode #45 - How To Rid Your Relationship Of Neediness

Exiting The Friend Zone

The last few months have been a surreal whirlwind of craziness and moments where I just had to sit down and ask myself, "What the heck is happening?"

I've been semi-secretly dating one of my very best friends, Lauren. Lauren and I have been close friends for over 4 years, and fighting our way out of the "Friend Zone" has been an interesting experience to say the least. (That will be another post in and of itself.)

I'll admit that for the majority of our friendship I wanted to date Lauren, and I've fantasized of marrying her on countless occasions. And I'm sure once or twice she was crazy enough to consider marrying me. (She did say yes, after all.) But there were also times where we absolutely knew that we simply wouldn't work together.

When I reflect back on the times when Lauren and I were convinced about our lack of compatibility, one common theme stands out. We lacked compatibility most  when one (or both) of us was not being true to ourselves, or allowing the other to be true to themselves. When I grasped the concept of loving Lauren for exactly who she is and not who she could be, or should be, everything changed for me. Likewise when I allowed myself to be loved - both by me and by Lauren - it's like everything clicked.

We Don't Need Each Other

In this week's interview, Tom talks about dating his wife, Beth. He says that one of the most attractive things about her was that she didn't need him. She could go about happily living her life without him, and be just fine.

When people have love for themselves for exactly who they are, it gives others the permission to love them for who they are.

Few things will corrode a relationship faster than neediness and desperation. It's frightening to be in a relationship with someone who bases their happiness, their moods, and even their self-worth off of how you feel about them on any given day. A relationship full of neediness doesn't allow space for honest conversations, for authenticity, or even for bad days.

Here are a few ways you can get rid of neediness in your relationship to make sure to create an emotional ecosystem where love can flourish and grow:

Practice Self-Love

Your self-perceived value as a human being should not hinge on what others think about you. One of the most common fears in nearly every human I talk to about love is not being "enough." You are scared that you won't be funny enough, or ambitious enough, or smart enough, or attractive enough, or connected enough...

Here's the trick. You will never be enough for anyone else until you are enough to yourself. And you will never be enough to yourself till you begin to treat yourself like you have value... like you matter... like you're enough.

Self-love is an active behavior. It is treating yourself the very same way you treat those you love the most. It involves peaking kindly to yourself. It is forgiving yourself when you make mistakes. It's setting aside time for things that are important to you. It's treating your mind, body, and spirit with respect and dignity.

When you love yourself, you don't ever need anyone else to fill your cup for you. It's already full.

Plus people who love themselves attract love into their lives.

Set Boundaries

Neediness often manifests itself when someone (or both people) in a relationship oversteps their bounds emotionally, physically, or in any other area of the relationship. These moments often result in fights that get emotional and turn ugly.

When emotions get involved in a disagreement, nothing good ever happens. People do not think rationally when their adrenaline is flowing and their heart is pumping. All they can think about it either running away or doing everything it takes to get their way. Both of these tactics are manipulative and neither ever leaves the couple saying, "Wow, I'm glad we did that. What a great conversation."

If you want to avoid the neediness that follows threats, and manipulative conversations learn to fight better. Most couples don't break up because of what they fight over. Some couples get divorced over how to squeeze the toothpaste tube, and others grow closer together after serious infidelity. It's not what you're arguing over that's a threat to your relationship. It's how you argue over it.

If you're feeling insecure, don't make it about his work. If you're feeling under-appreciated, don't attack her about her girlfriends. Be honest. Take ownership of your feelings, thoughts, moods and behaviors. Speak respectfully. Leave the emotion at the door.

If the emotions come up, have a battle plan. Take a break. Go for a walk. Table the conversation.

These are just a few tips on how to eliminate neediness from your relationship. What other ones can you think of? Leave your ideas in the comments.

And while you're here, check out the new Loveumentary Store and get yourself your very own Love More T-shirt!

Intro music: For Once In My Life - Harry Connick, Jr.

Theme song:

Being In A Relationship Isn’t About Being Happy - It Is About Being Fully Awake

We crave love. We really crave it. I cannot get through a conversation with my friends without, at some point, turning to the topic of romance. Some are eager to find love. Some are dealing with heartbreak. Some are in relationships, trying to make sense of what love and commitment are really about. Others are feigning apathy; often asserting they are too busy focusing on their careers to think seriously about getting into a relationship. But, almost always, the topic of love is an inescapable part of the conversation.

We're thinking about it, dreaming of it, eager for it, scared of it, wondering if and where we’ll ever find it, and all too often suppressing our true questions and feelings about it.

Why?

Why do we care so much? Why do we crave romantic partnership? Why are so many of us yearning for a significant other (even if we don’t want to admit it)?

After spending four months on the road with Nate talking to couples and relationship experts all over the U.S., here’s one of the biggest lessons I learned:

We all believe, on some level, that being in love will make us happier.

You know what else I learned?

This belief is one of our most prevalent cultural delusions.

Yes—for many, finding a significant other leads to generally increased feelings of happiness, stability, and fulfillment. But, all of the couples we talked to said every moment of partnership and marriage isn’t perfect. Not every moment in love fills us with feelings of “happiness.” Some days, weeks, months—even years—in a relationship are filled with stress, hardship, difficult conversations, and challenging life decisions.

I don’t say this to create disenchantment about the institution of marriage or, more broadly, romantic relationships. I bring it up because hearing so many honest stories about the challenges of commitment and marriage taught me a much bigger lesson about life and loving well.

Here it is, in chart form (because who doesn’t love charts?):

SINGLE LIFE:

MARRIED LIFE:

MARRIED LIFE (WITH KIDS!):

I use the word “marriage” above, but the concept applies to all committed relationships. The more committed, the bigger the range of peaks and troughs—highs and lows.

Being in a committed relationship isn’t going to make you happy. Your happiness is and will always be determined by the meaning you assign to the circumstances and outcomes of your life. Trust me, I learned this the hard way.

Being in love doesn’t mean we’ll be happy all the time. But it does mean the range of experiences and emotions we feel are likely to expand in a significant way. This means the good stuff AND the bad stuff.

You know why? Because loving people requires that we let them in close. And if we let people in close, it means they can hurt us the most—even if they don’t mean to, even if they don’t want to. So when we sign up for love, we’re also signing up for pain. And joy. And everything in between.

There are ups and downs in life when you’re single, and the only difference when you start committing to love is that the ups and downs get amplified. There’s more to gain and there’s more to lose.

When you get married, for instance, that usually means you have greater potential for financial freedom—but you also have more bills to pay. You have someone to come home to every night to talk to about your day—but you also have to include that person in the discussion, planning, and (sometimes) negotiation over how you spend your time. You experience the joy of loving someone deeply—but you also experience the pain of fighting with—or potentially losing—that very same person.

The list goes on and on.

In short, love does not make us happier. It makes us more alive.

The more we love, the more we live. The greater the range of experiences and emotions, the better able we are to empathize, relate to, and love others—not just with who we choose to commit to, but with all people. As a result, loving relationships have the ability to soften our hearts, smooth out our rough edges, and transform us into our most loving, forgiving, genuine selves.

…if we let them.

And that’s why I bring all of this up in the first place. Because if we learn it now—that being in a relationship isn’t about being happy so much as it is about being fully awake—we might just go about loving one another differently. We might just love one another for the opportunity to grow alongside a best friend—through the good, the bad, the ugly, and the amazing. We might look at the hard stuff differently. We might not run away as easily, get divorced as quickly, or jump in as hastily (before we’re really ready for the amplification of both the good and bad stuff that inevitably happens in life).

And that’s what I’m grateful for.

I’m grateful for the ups and downs. I’m grateful to be waking up. I’m grateful for the happiness and hardship I experienced when I was single. I’m grateful for the even bigger challenges and joys I’m experiencing now in a loving relationship. And I’m grateful in advance for the even wider range of ups and downs I’ll experience in the future as I gain the wisdom and courage to love more people, more fully (maybe even my own kids someday—God help me in their teenage years).

I recently watched and was moved by this interview with Tich Nhat Hanh. At one point during the interview, he says, in reply to Oprah’s question about human suffering, “You cannot grow a lotus on marble. You have to grow it on the mud. Suffering is the kind of mud we must use to grow the flower of understanding and love."

In other words: we cannot have the ups without the downs. The joy doesn’t mean much without the context of hardship and pain.

Our best relationships (starting with the ones we have with ourselves) form out of a deep understanding of and appreciation for life’s inevitable ups and downs. The hard stuff refines us and the happy stuff polishes us.

Ups. Downs. Highs. Lows. Peaks. Troughs. Joy. Pain. Love. Loss. Challenge. Growth. Happiness.

These are the mix of experiences and emotions that make us fully alive—and they happen regardless of our marital status. All of them are important. All of them are the point. All of them blend together all of the time, adding depth and meaning to our beautiful, messy, hard, painful, crazy, wonderful lives.

I’m grateful to live a brave life, full of ups and downs.

Each turn reminds me I am fully alive.

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] Melissa Joy Kong fell in love with media when she was 11-years-old, and has spent the last 15 years passionately uncovering why. She loves telling great stories, and doing work that empowers people to live stories worth telling. She currently leads content strategy at Eventbrite, is the cohost of The Loveumentary podcast, blogs here, and is working on a book about 100 incredible stories of true love in America.

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