Episode #83 - David and Gretchen Figge

Society is messed up...

Have you ever noticed that at the beginning of a relationship, it seems like everyone is pushing you toward commitment and marriage?

You come home from a first date and you get asked, "Do you think she's the one?" or "Did he kiss you?!"

You start dating exclusively and people say, "He'd better put a ring on it!" or "It's just a matter of time... you guys are totally getting married."

You send out wedding announcements and everyone celebrates with excitement.

But then...

The moment you get married, the world's influences start pushing you apart.

You get together with your girlfriends and they all complain about their lazy, incompetent husbands.

Your best buddies gripe about their demanding wives who never stop nagging, and never appreciate what they do for their families.

You hear people joke about "starter wives," or how a husband is replaceable, but kids are not.

I've even heard people taking bets on how long a couple will stay married at the wedding itself.

Figge Philosophy | The Loveumentary

How messed up is that?!

Marriage can be awesome!

David and Gretchen (recording embedded at the top of this post) pointed the above social trend out to me.

What I love about these two humans is that their marriage is a testament to the fact that we can ALL resist the divisive negativity around marriage that permeates our culture and create amazing, mind-boggling relationships filled with kindness, growth, compassion, and fun!

I encourage you to listen to the episode above to understand how truly phenomenal a marriage can be.

I promise you will be inspired.

I'd love to hear what you liked most about the conversation with David and Gretchen. Leave your comments below!

Episode #82 - David York

[powerpress]

What's more important?

What's more important to you?

Kindness or Generosity

Faith or Patience

Determination or Courage

Compassion or Gratitude

Honesty or Forgiveness

Hard to pick, right?

The reality is that regardless of how great and important you think all these values are, you choose to prioritize some values over others every single day... often without even thinking about it.

The values you choose determine how you make important decisions in your life.

It influences whether you give money to a homeless person (generosity) vs. whether you don't (self-reliance).

It influences whether you spend your money on cool experiences with people you love (loyalty), on things you really want (affluence), or you give it to charity (compassion).

It influences whether you are quick to apologize (forgiveness) or whether you occasionally hold a grudge (justice).

None of these values are inherently good or bad. And none of the above examples are right or wrong choices.

Each of these values is important to create the diverse, beautiful, and fascinating world we live in.

These values also shape your character, your beliefs, your choices, and your destiny.

Our shared values are what bind us to the people we love most... so much so that when our values change, often times our social circles change as well.

Ever notice when a single friend gets married, they often stop spending time with their single friends? It's not because they don't care about their friends anymore... it's because they've had a change of values. Suddenly family, love and commitment take a priority over freedom, play and opportunity.

Do you know your core values?

I'm amazed at how many people -- especially couples -- go throughout life without knowing what their core values are... they don't even talk about it!

The very thing that binds people together goes completely unacknowledged.

When you know your values, you make more informed and inspired decisions in your life... especially hard decisions.

Your core values make it simple to decide whether or not to take the promotion. Whether or not to have kids. Whether or not to move to a new city. Whether or not to get married. Whether or not to buy a house, or continue renting.

Plus...

When you know your partner's values, you get a window into their soul.

It's like having a cheat sheet for their heart.

Knowing their values helps you understand the motivations behind their words, actions, and the things they get passionate and emotional about.

If they highly value equality, they may get really angry when they witness a social injustice.

If they value faith, they may be really hurt when they hear someone curse God, or speak unkindly of their religion.

If they value gratitude, they may become disenchanted and worn out if they don't receive words of appreciation regularly.

Knowing your partner's values will make you an incredible companion... the kind that understands, lifts, and inspires their partner to be their best self.

Your values are contagious!

My favorite thing about values is that they are contagious.

A few weeks ago I worked out at the gym next to a friend of mine who is a complete workhorse. He attacked the workout like a bat out of hell.

His drive and ferocity inspired me to work harder, move faster, and take shorter rests.

His value of work ethic elevated my game.

Here's another example...

Have you ever been in a situation where you were watching someone get bullied or publicly embarrassed? Maybe some people in the crowd were chuckling or outright laughing at the person being targeted. Maybe you even caught yourself laughing along.

Then somebody stands up and says, "Stop! This isn't ok. Leave them alone."

Other people start to speak up and defend the victim, break up the fight, or stop the bullying.

One person standing up for the value of kindness or equality will elevate the values of those around them.

When you live your values fully, you cause other people to rise to the occasion.

I invite you to spend some time this week and think about your core values. What are they? Why are they important to you? What experiences have fostered these values and shaped you into the person you are today? What are the values you share with the people/person you love most? How have those values impacted your relationship?

I'd love your responses in the comments.

If you want help identifying your values, check out the Rivets Card Game designed by David York (the guest from the podcast embedded at the top of this post). I've played it and it was an amazing experience that taught me a lot about myself and my relationship.

>>> CLICK HERE TO BUY THE GAME

[jbox title="Show Notes:" border="5" radius="15"]

David York's TEDx Talk:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_qN4JcVCQ4

Check out David York's Website if you want more information on wealth management, estate planning, his speaking, or to talk about core values.

[/jbox]

You Fall In Love With The Front of the Dog

It's easy to fall in love with a puppy.

You walk through the door and there's this barking, and tail wagging, and panting, and licking, and excitement.

I love puppies.

Until...

Ok, here's the honest truth (as pointed out by Dr. Scott Stanley). When you fall in love with a puppy, you fall in love with the front end. It doesn't take long for a puppy to pee on the carpet, poop under your bed, or hump your leg to realize they're not all face-melting cuteness, and tummy rubs.

The back end of the puppy requires some effort and maintenance. It requires the occasional cleanup, or the an early-morning walk outside with a plastic bag in hand. Dealing with this side of the dog is not fun.

Yet, when you love a puppy, you're willing to clean up after it, and train it, and nurture it.

If you haven't figured it out yet, this puppy story is an analogy for relationships.

The best couples know how amazing and wonderful and joyful their love has been and will continue to be. At the same time, they recognize that their relationship has a butt that poops.

One of the cool things about relationships is that we create the messes... which means that through the process of cleaning them up, we can learn how to prevent them, or deal with them more effectively and efficiently.

Dynamic couples with mind-blowing love are constantly working on themselves. They're learning how to communicate with kindness and patience, how to inspire their partner to be their best self, and how to fill their life with gratitude, appreciation, passion, and connection.

These couples know that meaningful conversations can happen regularly if they put a little more thought into their questions, and display a little more curiosity towards the life of their partner.

They know that an argument is an opportunity to practice empathy, compassion, kindness and understanding rather than an excuse to be right and win a battle.

These partners know that the only thing that overshadows the joy that comes with accomplishing one of their own personal goals is helping the person they love accomplish their goals.

They are willing to say "no" to great opportunities because they don't align with their core values and goals.

They take responsibility for the messes they create. They apologize. They forgive. They don't hold grudges against their partners or themselves.

Relationships are like puppies. They are amazing, and fun, and can bring you so much joy if you're willing to do a little cleanup.

[jbox title="Show Notes:" border="5" radius="15"] You can read Amber's post about listening to your heart here, or read more of her writings on her website. Follow her on Twitter or Instagram. You can follow Farhad's Instagram here.

[/jbox]

The #1 Reason You Feel Overwhelmed (And How to Solve It)

Every year I pick a word that I use as the theme for my life.

In 2014, my theme was "Integrity." It was amazing to see how my world and my relationships changed as I focused on being a man of my word, and keeping my promises.

In 2015, my theme was "Possibility." My mind was blown as I watched for opportunities to share my passion with the world. I spoke at TEDx Salt Lake City, and Start Conference. I wrote blog posts that were read by hundreds of thousands of people. I have grown Unbox Love - a date-ini-a-box subscription service, made more TV appearances than I can count, had a blast producing new episodes for the podcast, met new friends and traveled the country putting on workshops and supporting people with their relationships.

I thought long and hard about what my theme should be for 2016. It became crystal clear one weekend in San Francisco as I spent some meaningful time with my good friend, author, and inspiring speaker, Smiley. He was just wrapping up the final edits for his second book. The smile on his face said it all.

He was loving life.

As we talked about our work, and his journey, he said something that really stuck with me. "Nate, life is so distracting. For me, writing is all about focus. It's all about saying "no" to the distractions so I can do the work. That means Facebook, meeting friends for lunch, or the unplanned hangout with friends. If I don't stay focused, I won't get the important things done."

His words hit me like a ton of bricks.

As fun as my year of "possibility" was, I could feel my heart and my brain begging me to simplify my life. In exploring so many opportunities, I had filled my plate to overflowing.

I'm reminded of one of a podcast episode with Jackson Dunn. He's the leader of a huge marriage organization. He shared with us a truth that I've repeated over and over to couples all over the country:

The biggest enemy of love is busyness.

We often overcommit ourselves and don't leave any space in their life for cultivating amazing relationships... which we know are the source of lasting happiness in life.

So, it only seems appropriate that if I'm going to devote my year to Focus that I turn to some experts for help.

I made some new friends this week who run a website called An Uncluttered Life.

In the last few years, Warren and Betsy have identified what's truly important to them. They then committed their lives to getting rid of all distractions, and saying "no" to anything that didn't help them achieve what they want.

Their story is incredible, and the life they lead is so inspiring.

So obviously I invited them to do a webinar with me.

If you are the kind of person who feels stressed, or overwhelmed, or like you're spending all your time doing things you don't like with people who aren't important to you, I want you to join us.

If you're ready to commit to a year of "focus"... or even a month of focus, I want you to join us.

Just click here to reserve your spot:

SIGN UP FOR THIS AWESOME WEBINAR!

Episode #81 with Mariano and Maggie Reyes

Episode #80 with Gary Chapman - Author of The Five Love Languages

The Story of The Five Love Languages

Gary Chapman's book, The 5 Love Languages, is perhaps the most well-known relationship book of all time. It has been on the NYT Best Seller list for the better part of a decade.

I remember reading it for the first time and thinking, "Holy crap! I can't believe I didn't know that love languages were a thing!"

I quickly became that person at dinner parties who would ask people, "So, what's your love language?"

So many people experience love differently than I do... and I'd had no idea. In my naiveté I had assumed everyone felt things the same way I felt things.

That very love epiphany that Gary Chapman has created for millions of people all over the world is the same realization that saved his own marriage.

In this podcast we talk about how the Five Love Languages came to be, why they are so important, and what else - in addition to the love languages - people need to know to build healthy relationships that thrive and flourish.

I hope you love it.

love is something you do for someone else | Gary Chapman | The Loveumentary

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Episode #79 with MeiMei and Kiran

[powerpress]

The Beauty of Building Your Dreams Tother

Life Ends When You Get Married... Right?

Last week I was talking to a good friend of mine who told me she's waiting to cross a bunch of stuff off her bucket list before she gets married.

"You give up a lot of freedom when you get married," she said. "There's still so much I want to do before I settle down."

On the outside I said, "Oh... yeah, I get that."

But on the inside I was SCREAMING!

"NO! You don't get it! Just because most people give up their dreams when they get married doesn't mean you have to! Marriage can mean EVEN MORE adventures and opportunities and awesomeness!"

Here's the deal... most people just don't know how amazing married life can be, because they've never been exposed to someone who has an amazing married life.

They've never seen what life looks like when a husband is the president of his wife's fan club.

They've never seen how amazing a relationship can be when a wife makes her husband's dreams her dreams, and invests in them and him because they have become the most important things in the world to her.

That kid of love exists!

It's amazing... and you can have a taste of it next Thursday when I sit down with Michelle Peterson from the #STAYMARRIED Blog to talk about how amazing it can be to build and live your dreams together as a couple.

It's going to be an inspiring and powerful conversation... and you can join us! Just sign up here:

REGISTER NOW!

How Pearson's Law Can Make You The Most KickA$$ Partner Of All Time

When I was a kid I played the piano. My teacher and my parents forced encouraged me practice every day for 30 minutes.

There were days where I would do everything I could to avoid practice.

My mom once told me I couldn't get up from the piano bench until I was done practicing.

I slept on the bench that night.

But one thing was for sure - when I practiced, I got better.

There were few things that caused more dread and anxiety in my little body than riding my little green Huffy 10-speed to my piano teacher's house with the knowledge that I hadn't practiced that week and that she was going to find out.

She always found out.

But then there were the weeks when I had practiced...

I'd show up to her house with my songs all polished and perfected. Her reaction was always one of satisfaction and pride.

It was often her expectation that I was going to show up prepared every week for our lesson that pushed me to practice, and helped me develop into a pretty great pianist after nearly a decade of lessons.

If You Want To Be Great...

If you want to be great at something - anything really - you only need three things:

1. Set a measurable goal.
2. Consistently measure the goal.
3. Have someone hold you accountable to the goal you're measuring.

This is the magic of Pearson's Law...

That which is measured improves. That which is measured and reported improves exponentially. -Karl Pearson

Just like becoming an incredible musician or athlete, becoming a great lover requires you to set, track, and be held accountable to goals.

Step 1 - Set a Trackable Goal

Pick an area of your relationship in which you know you need improvement. It could be sex, finances, physical affection, compassionate listening, forgiveness, spending meaningful time together, communicating with vulnerability, or anything else you can think of.

Set some measurable goals around this area of your relationship. Here are some examples of good, measurable, actionable goals you can set:

• I will initiate sex "X" number of times per week over the next month.
• I will stop what I'm doing and greet my husband with excitement every time he walks through the door.
• I will mute off or turn off my phone and make eye contact with my wife whenever she's talking to me.
• I will clearly ask for the things I want and need without making myself feel bad about it.
• I will plan a date night every week for the next month.

Step 2 - Track the Goal

Put that shizzle on your calendar!

Keep track!

How many times this week did I unload the dishwasher and take out the trash?

How many days this week did I intentionally flirt with my husband?

Did I express gratitude to my girlfriend every night before going to bed?

Did I open up and tell my boyfriend what I'm thinking and feeling, or am I still hiding my heart from him?

Sit down and analyze whether or not you're taking action. And remember it's ok if you're not perfect! The goal is little bits of improvement day over day. Not a drastic jump from struggle to excellence.

Step 3 - Involve the People You Love!

Involve the people closest to you in your goals. Tell them what you're up to and why. Explain to them the difference you're trying to make.

Here are some examples of how you can have the conversation:

"I want to be a better listener, so I'm setting some goals over the next few weeks. Can you punch me in the arm every time you see me reach for my phone when I'm talking with someone?"

"I want to do better at telling you how much you mean to me. Every night before bed I'm going to start telling you 3 reasons I'm grateful for you. Can you help me remember by asking me the question, 'What's your favorite thing about me today?'"

"I want to experience more intimacy. I know how important sex is to you. It's important to me too. I'm going to start initiating sex more often. What are some things I can do to help you get in the mood?"

Set aside some time every week to analyze how you're doing with your goals.

If you don't know what to work on, start asking your partner every day, "On a scale from 1-10, how good of a partner was I today?" If you weren't a 10, find out which areas need improvement, and work on them tomorrow.

If you don't want to be an average lover you must be committed to constant improvement. Set goals. Track them. Hold yourself accountable. Involve those you love in your growth.

Your relationship will grow exponentially.

Episode #78 with Josh and Jenny Solar

[powerpress]