Thomas Edwards and Laurie Davis
How to get the love you want and give the love they need!
In this episode I sit down with Vienna Pharaon, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of New York City.
We have an awesome conversation about John Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. We talk about controlling our personal narratives. We discuss assuming positive intent, and having a low negativity threshold (you'll learn about both of those principles in the middle of the show).
Vienna is sweet, knowledgable, and wonderful. I hope you enjoy the insights she brought to this conversation! Check out her incredible Instagram profile, and her website.
SHOW NOTES
Vienna Pharaon is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of New York, practicing out of New York City, conveniently located near Grand Central Station. Vienna received her Master of Science in Marriage & Family Therapy from Northwestern University, and trained extensively at The Family Institute, Bette D. Harris Center. There she treated individuals, couples, and families in a clinic setting. Vienna also received training at Family Focus, a community outreach program, providing community-, home-, and clinic-based therapeutic services for individuals and families.
2:30 - Introduction to Vienna
4:00 - "Getting the love you want doesn't mean giving the kind of love that you want to get. "Do unto others the way you would like them to do unto you."
5:00 - You can give love and your partner can still say, "I don't feel loved by you." There are different types of love to give and receive.
6:45 - How much responsibility do we have in getting the love we want?
7:45 - The myths of "If it's true love, we should just 'get' each other." And "I shouldn't have to ask for what I want."
10:40 - How do you consciously change your inner narrative?
12:37 - Why is it important to change your mindset from "I don't deserve" to "I do deserve"?
16:30 - 25:00 - The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that will destroy your marriage
17:45 - Without communicating effectively you just can't have a successful relationship. There's no way to get and give the love that you want if you can't ask for it, or hear what your partner needs.
25:59 - Assuming good intent is crucial. You need to assume that your partner means well even when they're doing something irritating or hurtful.
27:40 - When you assume malintent, you're almost always wrong. Unless you have a horrible partner, they're probably not out to get you and make your life horrible.
28:58 - You're more likely to be heard when you come from a place of kindness and understanding instead of anger and resentment. You can't get love if you're assuming malintent.
30:47 - Low Negativity Threshold: Why "Choose your battles," or "Just let the little things roll off your shoulders," is terrible advice.
32:00 - The happiest couples talk about the things that bother them (without making them a big deal) and get them resolved.
36:15 - It's important to learn to honor the "alone," and to develop a sense of love and belonging within yourself rather than the "I'll love you if you love me" mentality.
38:50 - Just because someone gives you love in a way that's not your love language doesn't mean you can't receive it graciously.
41:21 - It's scary to go down a road with someone that you've been down before and been hurt. You need to lean to create a positive narrative in your head that the person you're with will be there for you in a way nobody else has been in the past.
42:35 - "Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time." -Maya Angelou
The secret agreements that sabotage your relationship
Are You Settling For Less In Your Marriage?
The thing you do that instantly kills connection... and how to stop it
Seriously. What's the point of marriage?
What Power Couples Do That Average Couples Completely Miss
The Ultimate "Love Hack"
A few weeks ago I ran a secret love test on my wife.
In one week I bought her flowers. I wrote her a sincere love note. I planned a fun date. I did all her least-favorite chores. And every day I came home from work I pinned her against the wall and planted a long (at least 10 seconds), passionate kiss right on her mouth.
At the end of the week I asked her which of those things meant the most to her.
“Oh, it was absolutely the kiss!” my wife exclaimed.
I was blown away.
“Really?! A kiss takes 10 seconds and you appreciate that more than me doing the dishes or spending $10 on flowers (thanks Costco)?”
“Oh, most definitely.”
I found my wife's “Love Hack” – the shortcut to filling her love tank to the brim.
What fills your love tank faster than anything else?
What is the thing that when your partner does it you think, “Dang, I love that human so much!”
Maybe your love tank gets filled to the brim with a good cuddle, by going for a long walk together, by being given some alone time, time to get a massage or spend time with friends, or by your partner making a meal for you.
My love tank gets filled to the brim when someone gives me sincere words of praise. I love it when people tell me how much I mean to them. (Hint: If you want to make my day, reply to this email and tell me if you appreciate these emails I send out.)
Does your partner know Love Hack? Do you know theirs?
Think how much better life would be if you openly shared your Love Hack the people you love. And what if they shared theirs with you too? You made a small effort every day to exploit each other’s Love Hacks and keep that love tank full.
Your mission for today is to share your Love Hack with the person you love and invite them to share theirs with you. Then make a plan to use the information to your advantage!
-Nate
P.S. I’d love to hear how this goes for you. What’s your Love Hack? What’s your partners? Leave your thoughts in the comments!
Want more awesome love tips and a FREE e-book?
I'll bet you do... so just sign up for my newsletter and I'll give you some of my very best stuff for free!
I Know You Didn't Mean That...
This week my wife and I celebrated our first anniversary. To memorialize this milestone we performed a 1-year relationship inventory.
We started by reminiscing on the high points of our first year of marriage. Vacations, memories, victories, trials we’ve overcome, dreams we’ve started to lock into place. It was inspiring and fun to reflect on this awesome life we're starting to build together
Then my wife asked the big question:
“What’s gonna be different in year 2?”
Great question, right?!
No matter how great your marriage is, it can always get better… but not unless you approach it as a team with intention.
So we started the conversation we’d been avoiding without even realizing it. (Isn't it so easy to get sucked into the routine and status quo and forget to talk about what’s next in our growth as a couple?)
“Let’s talk about the stuff we struggle with the most, and how we can do better,” I responded.
"Perfect!" she said.
Now I’m going to be real with you and give you a look into our biggest struggle as a couple.
We are both very hyper-sensitive and overactive humans... especially in times of conflict or misunderstanding. We aren’t very good at giving each other the benefit of the doubt, or at assuming positive intent when we're feeling hurt or threatened.
This leads to us both getting wounded easily over stupid, insignificant things, then acting complete jerks to each other in response.
It’s. The. Worst.
Here's an example of what I’m talking about:
We recently went on vacation. I was standing next to the front door, bags-in-hand, ready to go load the car with the suitcases so we could head to the airport. My wife was kneeling on the floor next to me trying to cram one or two last-minute things into her carry-on bag.
She noticed I was just kind of standing there by the door, staring at her. (I often do this when we’re running late, and she’s running behind. I just stand by the door and wait… and she hates it.)
Suddenly she snapped at me. “What are you staring at?! If you want something, just ask!”
I physically recoiled. I felt like I got punched in the gut. Where the heck did that come from?
Instinctually I punched back.
“I’m just waiting for you to pack your freaking bag and move over! I didn’t want to open the door while you’re sitting there in your underwear! Sorry for trying to be considerate!” I said in the most self-righteous and least considerate voice imaginable.
It happened so fast.
She made an assumption that I was being passive aggressive (like I have been in the past), and lashed out in protection or irritation. Then I punched back.
This crap happens all the time.
Here's another example...
We were in the car on our way to meet some of our good friends for a double date.
"How was your day?" I asked my wife.
No response. She was on her phone.
My blood started to boil. I HATE when she ignores me, ESPECIALLY when she's on her phone.
I asked again.
"How was your day, honey? “
It didn't even register.
I lost it. “Good grief, can you just put your freaking phone down and talk to me?!”
"Woah, Nate! Calm down. I’m just trying to figure out where we’re meeting our friends! Can you give me a freaking second?”
I felt ignored and hurt and I lashed out. My emotional outburst cut her deep and her emotional defenses went up faster than pop-tent at scout camp. We sat in prickly silence for most of the rest of the drive.
I KNOW my wife loves me. I KNOW she’s kind and compassionate and wonderful. But I still jump to these conclusions that she’s out to get me, I get defensive, I get upset and frustrated, and I do stupid stuff that hurts her (and vice versa).
In the last 12 months, we’ve gotten really good at repairing the little hurts and healing the wounds we inflict on each other. We’re both pretty fast to forgive, and willing to admit when we've acted like a jerk.
But during our relationship inventory, we've decided to level up in year 2.
Instead of just getting good at forgiving and healing each other, we want to master not even getting sucked into conflict to begin with!
So, how the heck do we do that?
Well, first we need to get really honest with ourselves. We need to identify our weaknesses and vulnerabilities that let these conflicts creep into our marriage.
Then we need to create a plan to change our attitudes and behaviors so we can get the outcome and results we want.
Lastly, we need to follow the freaking plan.
Our Plan
I already identified above that our weaknesses are not assuming positive intent, getting defensive and being reactive.
Now we needed to create a plan.
"Why don't we just not be a-holes to each other in the first place? Wouldn't that solve things?" my wife asked.
“It’s not that easy,” I replied. “We're not perfect. Sometimes I’m going to push your buttons without even realizing it, and you will react without even thinking (or vice versa). The moment that happens, the "Don't be a jerk" plan goes right out the window. What happens then?”
So we thought a little harder.
"Maybe it would be easier for the person who isn't feeling the initial hurt (aka the one who did the inadvertent hurting) to keep their cool and change the direction of the conversation," I suggested.
“What if when one person lashes out, the other person responds with the phrase, ‘I know you didn't mean that. I'm going to give you a minute.’?” Ang suggested.
Woah. What a gift!
Imagine you lash out at your partner, and instead of punching back their response is to give you the benefit of the doubt and generously offer you time to heal so you can get back to your normal, loveable self.
When one partner gives the other partner exactly what they need, it stops conflict dead in its tracks.
We were getting excited about this new strategy to level up our conflict management skills, but the plan still wasn't perfect. I know myself too well. If I lash out at my wife and she says, "I know you didn't mean that. I'm going to give you some time." (no matter how generous she is) I'll probably hit her back with something passive aggressive.
So we made one more rule. You're not allowed to get mad at the other person for saying this phrase, even if you see things differently. You just take the time and the love they've given you and go calm yourself down till you can talk.
This works for us because in our marriage, we have integrity, and we play by the rules we set.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm excited to start putting this into practice... and it WILL take practice.
Now it's your turn
Have you ever had a conversation about what you can do better in your relationship? Maybe you keep having the same conflicts over and over again... would talking about how you handle things and creating a plan together change the outcome?
What did you like about the strategy we developed together? Is it something you want to try out with us? How can you make it better, or make it personal for your relationship?
I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
Want more Fantastic relationship tips?
Subscribe to my email list to get my very best relationship tools, insights, and training! This is where I send my very best stuff.
"We shouldn't be struggling with this..."
“He doesn’t make time for the family like he used to… and he doesn’t pursue me anymore. He’s gotten lazy.” she said.
“Well, she doesn’t appreciate all I do for the family! I work hard so we can live a comfortable lifestyle. I do my best, and it’s never enough.” he said.
“We shouldn’t be having these problems!” she said.
“Right, nobody else we know is struggling with anything like this. If this relationship was meant-to-be, wouldn’t things just work out?” he added.
Ever feel this way? Like if your relationship was meant-to-be, you shouldn’t be struggling like you are?
I know I’ve had those thoughts… they can be a scary thought to have!
I was recently reading the book Passionate Marriage by Dr. David Schnarch. He’s an incredible therapist and writer, and he was talking to a couple just like this.
After listening to these two people argue, and nearly convince themselves that the other person didn’t care enough about the relationship he asked a series of questions that blew my mind.
What if your partner really does care? What if the frustration, passion and raw emotion they’re feeling right now is evidence that they care a lot? Couples who don’t care are indifferent to each other. They check out. But the fact that you show so much emotion about this means you care… so…
(Here’s the part that blew my mind.)
What if you’re wrong, and the problems you’re having right now are EXACTLY the problems you SHOULD be having?
“What?”
Think about it. What if the conflict you’re experiencing. The stress you’re feeling. The disagreements you’re having… what if they’re all the things you SHOULD be experiencing in your relationship?
What if the story that If it’s meant to be, things just work out is a complete lie?
What if your struggles were actually opportunities to improve yourself, your skills, and your relationship?
What if your arguments about finances were an opportunity for you to learn about money management or investing. Or maybe they’re an opportunity to reflect on your spending habits and how they affect the people around you. Or maybe it’s a sign that the real conversation you need to have is what lifestyle you can afford, and why you feel the need to live beyond your means. (Are you trying to keep up with some friends and neighbors, or impress family?)
The obstacle you face is actually the path to personal growth.
If you’re climbing a mountain and come to a boulder on the trail, you don’t just throw your hands up and say, “Well, I guess this is the wrong trail. We can’t go any further. We should just give up.”
Hell no!
You look at that boulder and you push on it. Or you go find a stick to use as leverage and move it out of the way. Or you walk around it, or climb over it.
There are SO many solutions to confronting a boulder in the path other than giving up.
And often times the tactics you take to conquer this boulder will prepare you and strengthen you for the next one.
If you’re facing struggles right now in your relationship, rather than believing the story that you shouldn’t be having these problems, choose to believe that your problems are PERFECT. They are exactly what you need right here and right now to strengthen you, unite you, and prepare you for the challenges to come.
Are you facing a boulder that feels insurmountable? Are you bumping into the same issues over and over again? Let's talk about them in the comments!
Want more awesome relationship messages like this? Subscribe to my email list. I send all the very best stuff to my readers there first!