1. You don’t know how to find a good therapist
When you’re struggling in life with your mental health, with past trauma, or in your relationships, it’s normal to hear the advice, “You should go talk to someone.”
The implication is that a therapist - any therapist can help.
But searching for a good therapist is a lot like searching for a good doctor. You want to find someone who knows what they’re talking about.
You wouldn’t go see a foot doctor if you had a sore throat. You’d be much better off seeing an ear, nose and throat specialist.
Both are doctors, but only one has the knowledge and skill set to help you!
Therapists are very similar. The very best therapists have a specialty. They’ve devoted the majority of their career helping a specific type of person navigate a specific type of problem.
Not all therapists have experience working with couples. And not all couples therapists have experience helping people navigate sex issues, or betrayal in the relationship, or the unique challenges that come when you become empty-nesters.
It’s important for you to find someone who has some experience helping people through what you are currently dealing with.
But more importantly…
A good therapist is someone you can relate to.
One of the number one determining factors of whether or not you’ll get results from seeing a therapist is whether or not you get along with your therapist. (It’s called “Client-Therapist Fit.”)
It matters whether or not your therapist “gets” you!
And if you’re a couple looking for a therapist, it’s important that your therapist “gets” BOTH of you.
It might take some time and research to find the right “fit.”
Which brings me to my next point...
2. Not all therapists are created equal
Ever had a really bad haircut?
I once had a barber who cut my hair while he had the hiccups… you can guess how that turned out.
Or maybe you‘ve had a Jiffy Lube experience like mine where the technician completely forgot to put the oil cap back on after my oil change.
Not all barbers (or hair stylists) are created equal.
Not all mechanics can be trusted to get the job done well.
And not all therapists are good therapists.
And not all therapists are honest therapists.
Did you know a therapist doesn’t have to go through any formal training to call themselves a “couples therapist” or a “sex therapist”?
There’s no title protection in the industry.
So, it’s very possible that a therapist who spends the first 5 years of their career helping drug-addicted criminals as a Social Worker, or teenagers with eating disorders could wake up one morning and say, “You know what? I’m sick of this. I need a change. I’m going to start treating couples. I hear there’s good money in that.”
Then they can get on their website, or their LinkedIn profile and update their title to “Couples Therapist,” and start seeing couples the next day.
That’s shady. And it’s not uncommon.
It’s important that you spend some time shopping around for a therapist before you commit to one. Try to get a handle on their education, how they’ve treated similar clients in the past.
Ask yourself if you could see yourself spending hours hanging out with this person.
A great way to find a good therapist is to ask a friend for a referral. If they love their therapist, and you love your friend, there’s a high likelihood that you’ll love their therapist too.
3. People wait 6 years too long to find a therapist
Research shows that the average couple waits 6 years after experiencing a marriage problem that makes them unhappy before they seek outside help.
Six.
Years.
If you broke your leg would you wait 6 years before going to the doctor?
If you answered yes, you deserve a spanking. That’s NOT something to be proud of.
One of the biggest reasons marriage therapy doesn’t work for so many couples is because they wait too long!
They go to therapy only when they are in the midst of a crisis as a last-ditch effort to save their marriage from impending divorce.
Marriage therapists aren’t miracle workers.
I like the way my friend Maggie Reyes puts it: You can’t un-burn a pie!
If you burn a pie, and then you think, “I’ll just take my pie to a professional pastry chef. They’ll be able to help me fix it!” You are going to be disappointed.
Even the best pastry chef in the world cannot un-burn a pie.
If your “pie” (marriage) is burned, you have to start over. And it’s your choice whether you start over with the same person, or not.
If you’re experiencing consistent resentment, frustration, and unhappiness in your marriage right now, it’s an emergency.
Do not wait 6 years!
If you start looking for a good therapist when you really need one… you’re too late.
Most couples divorce because they were unprepared to deal with the challenges that came their way.
If you want to have an epic marriage that withstands the test of time, start building out your tool belt now!
Find experts and educational resources you trust.
Find a therapist you relate to in case you ever need them.
Talk to your partner about how you’d like to handle issues if they were to ever come up.
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