“If you haven’t heard yet, my partner and I are getting a divorce…”
I saw another heartbreaking announcement on my Facebook feed a few weeks ago.
This couple had been married for over a decade.
They had multiple children together.
The news, as it almost always is, was heartbreaking.
For many divorce can seem to come completely out of nowhere.
For others, it feels like it’s a long time coming.
And the first question people inevitably ask is “Why?”
Why did it happen?
Some people assume, “They were probably struggling financially.”
Other people guess, “They must have had a terrible sex life.”
Some even jump to the conclusion that there must have been an affair going on.
But the reality is that money, sex, in-laws, poor communication…
Rarely are these issues the root cause of a divorce.
It turns out that the REAL cause of divorce is something deeper.
As a matter of fact, one study shows that over 80% of divorces can be attributed to one thing:
I call it “Emotional Drift.”
Drift
/drift/
verb
1. to be carried slowly by a current of air or water.
The idea is that couples drift apart over time.
Little-by-little their friendship fades.
They stop making fun memories with each other.
They lose interest in each other's lives and get distracted by their jobs, their children, finances, and other obligations.
They stop being playful with one another or laughing together.
They stop kissing each other.
They stop holding hands, creating inside jokes, or having deeply meaningful conversations.
They stop relying on each other.
They are more critical, less patient, more judgmental, less empathetic.
And over time, the current of life slowly pulls them away from each other.
The reason couples can’t can’t navigate the struggles of finances, sex, parenting or anything else together is because… well, they’ve emotionally drifted apart.
They’re not in sync.
They’re not attuned to each other’s emotions, needs, thoughts, or desires.
If you truly want to prevent divorce, you need to be like a pair of otters.
Otters often sleep while floating in rivers and oceans.
The reason they don’t drift apart from each other?
They stay connected!
Aren’t they adorable?!
Otters know that when they hold hands, they can rest comfortably… because when they wake up, their partner will be right next to them, whether the current is calm or chaotic.
Here are 5 things you can do to prevent “Emotional Drift” from ever destroying your relationship:
1. Ask Better Questions
Stop asking questions that can be answered with only 1 word!
How was your day?
What do you wanna do?
How are you feeling?
Gross.
These questions don’t help you stick together, and defeat the dreaded “Emotional Drift.” Just nix them from your vocabulary!
Instead ask open-ended questions like these:
What’s something you’ve been worrying about lately?
Outside our family, who is the most important person in your life right now, and why?
What was the most exciting/frustrating/interesting/hilarious part of your day today?
They’ll give you a window into your partner’s life, and help you stay connected, and enamored with them!
2. Create Cool Rituals
Legendary marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman says, “It’s the small things done often that make the difference.”
Most people live lives centered around rituals of convenience.
You always take your phone into the bathroom with you when you poop.
You wear the 3 or 4 outfits over and over even though you have a closet full of different stuff.
You wash our body in the shower in the same order every day… because it’s just what you do.
But something amazing happens when you get intentional with your habits and rituals.
What would happen if every time you took your phone into the loo, you texted your partner something you loved about them before checking Instagram?
How would life be different if every day after brushing your teeth, you wrote a love note to your lover on the bathroom mirror?
How would it be if every evening before taking your first bite of food, you shared a passionate 6-second kiss?
It’s the small things done often that keep you from drifting apart.
3. Be a Safe Space To Land
In her book on affairs and infidelity, “Not ‘Just Friends,’” Dr. Shirley Glass says the first warning sign that your marriage might be in trouble is that you’re keeping secrets from each other.
People keep secrets for lots of reasons.
It’s hard to share something with your spouse when you know it will hurt them.
One of the greatest gifts you can give your partner is being a soft place for them to land.
Here’s what that means…
Tell your partner right now that no matter how painful something might be to hear, you promise to always receive it without flying off the handle, or an explosion of emotions.
When you can absorb the impact of tough news without imploding or lashing out, your partner is more likely to share everything with you… even the hard things. Which means… no secrets… and no Emotional Drift.
4. Prioritize Together Time
Married couples spend about 2.5 hours a day together. Over ⅓ of that time is spent watching TV. Another 30 minutes is spent eating meals. And another 30 minutes is spent doing housework.
Most couples spend the remainder of that time coordinating schedules, or discussing kids and other obligations.
The truth is, unless you’re incredibly intentional, you probably don’t get much downtime together.
Try to get a solid 3 hours of meaningful time together each week. Whether it’s playing a game, going for a walk, or sexy-times, it’s important to play, to joke around, and to connect BEYOND the normal, day-to-day stuff that is necessary for survival.
5. The Magic Ratio
Research shows that the most fulfilled and happy couples have a ratio of 20 positive interactions to every negative interaction. This is what Dr. John Gottman calls the “Magic Ratio.”
During times of conflict this ratio dropped to 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction.
Couples who were absolutely miserable, and then got divorced? Their average ratio was right around 1:1.
Want to stay close, connected, and fight that emotional drift? Work on increasing your ratio!
Send thoughtful texts.
Hold hands.
Offer appreciation to your partner for the little things.
Compliment them.
Play games together.
Talk about all the fond memories you’ve had together.
Laugh at their stupid jokes.
Read books together…
If you do these 5 things, you’ll be like those otters up above, and you’ll never drift apart as you float down this crazy river known as life.
You can control whether or not you become a divorce statistic!
The best way to avoid ending up on the wrong side of those statistics is to eliminate what causes it: Emotional Drift.