Episode #33 - Your Relationship Lacks Intimacy, And It's Your Fault... Ladies

Warning: This post and the associated podcast are controversial... which is exactly why I like them so much.

Ladies, does your relationship suck? Has it grown stale and boring? Do you feel hopeless, and yearn to feel connected and adored?

What if I told you it's all your fault?

Wait, wait, wait! Don't close your browser!

I get it. It sounds ridiculously chauvinistic and immature. Of course it's easy for me to absolve myself of blame and say that a lack of intimacy in a relationship is not a man's fault, but a woman's... but what if I told you this idea isn't something me and my guy friends cooked up during some late-night video game and pizza binge? What if I told you it came from a relationship expert who is also conveniently (for me) a woman?

Laura Doyle believes that women are the gatekeepers to intimacy in a relationship. She has focused her entire career on empowering women (she refuses to work with men, or even couples) with skills, tactics, and tools to radically transform their average, mundane, or even horrible relationships. If a lack of intimacy exists, and abuse is not present in the relationship, she believes women have the power to change it.

6 Intimacy Skills to Transform Your Relationship

1. Self Care - In any relationship, you are responsible for your own happiness. If you rely on others to fill your self-worth tank, you'll inevitably end up stranded on the side of the highway of life, broken down, frustrated, and alone. Rather than relying on others to fill up that love tank, take initiative and fill it up yourself. This means you must love yourself, not just with words, but with actions.Make a list of things that fill you with joy, energy, and happiness then do those things every day. Make them a priority. Whether it's sitting down to enjoy a cup of coffee, calling an old friend, writing in your journal, meditation or yoga, reading out of a good book, or some intense exercise, make a commitment to do the stuff you love religiously... make it as big of a priority as brushing your teeth - which you do regularly (I hope).

2. Relinquish Inappropriate Control - Did you know that something as simple as telling a man he's doing something wrong - even when well-intentioned - can be incredibly emasculating? As a man, I feel a sense of pride when I can provide, protect, or otherwise take care of those that I love. Often times, correcting things (especially small things), make us feel like we can't do anything right. It's easy to feel defeated, incompetent, and worthless when you can't even dress yourself, or clean a mirror properly.Sure, many of you may say that I'm being over-sensitive. We men just need to "pony up" and "be a man" when it comes to taking criticism. Well, as a man, I'm telling you from the bottom of my heart: If you want more intimacy in your relationship, think before you speak. Your words can fill us up with courage, open us up to vulnerability, and give us the courage to slay dragons... or they can strip us of our confidence. The ball is in your court.

3. Receive Graciously - When a man gives you something, whether it's a gift, a compliment, or some form of help, he's reaching out in an attempt to connect. It's a display of his love and care. A rejection or dismissal of his effort to bond with you are not only a rejection of the offer itself, but a rejection of his attempt to connect, and subsequently a rejection of him.Rather than play the "not good enough" card, thank him and tell him how much you appreciate him... because he thinks you're good enough, and sometimes that's all that matters.

4. Respect - For this skill, I quote Mrs. Doyle herself. Her words are just too perfect: "Lack of respect causes more divorces than cheating does because for men, respect is like oxygen. They need it more than sex. Respect means that you don't dismiss, criticize, contradict or try to teach him anything. Of course he won't do things the same way you do; for that, you could have just married yourself. But with your respect, he will once again do the things that amazed and delighted you to begin with -- so much so that you married him."

5. Gratitude - Good men don't do kind things with the expectation of thanks, but honestly, nothing is sexier than a woman who regularly expresses gratitude... especially for the things that you don't expect them to be grateful for. When a woman expresses appreciation for something I did for them, it makes me feel like $1 million. It makes me want to do more nice things more often.Cultivating a habit of expressing gratitude every day will also put you in a mindset of looking for the very best things. When you see and recognize the best in a man, he will rise to the occasion, and become the best version of himself. Your gratitude has the ability to unlock hidden reserves of potential, intimacy, and overwhelming love.

6. Vulnerability - A truly intimate and trusting relationship requires vulnerability at its very core. Getting naked emotionally with someone often requires a lot more of that trust than getting naked physically with them. Being vulnerable requires honesty and assertiveness, and responsibility. Merely expressing how we feel is now vulnerability. Rather than nagging or criticizing, state your desires. "I feel lonely," is far more vulnerable than "You never come home on time." "I miss you so much," is far more vulnerable than, "When was the last time you took me on a date?"Striving to come to the table palms-open to express your feelings and your needs is courageous... and this approach not only avoids putting men on the defensive, but encourages them to do what they love doing most: step up to the plate and make their women happy.

Most of us do not realize how much individual power we possess to influence, change, and improve our relationships. We get stuck in the tedium of the day-to-day. We forget that little things can make an enormous difference. I hope you have the courage to give these 6 tips a try in your relationship... especially if you see it suffering.

And don't forget to listen to today's podcast at the top of the page. It is full of amazing stuff that blew my mind. I'm sure it will rock yours as well.

Thanks for reading and listening to the podcast. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes to get episodes delivered to your computer every week!

Check out Laura Doyle's website The Surrendered Wife. And here are some links to her books:

Intro Music:

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Why You Should Stop Looking For "The One"

You don’t go on a journey around the country to capture 100 great love stories and not think about what it means to find “The One.”

So many of us (women in particular) approach the next potential partner we meet and the first question we ask: “Is this The One?”

That’s a heavy question, isn’t it? It puts a ton of pressure on every interaction. We lose focus. We lose sight of the joy in meeting someone new, discovering who that person is, learning whether we dance well with him or her.

And unfortunately, that’s precisely the reason why we’re rarely able to accurately discern whether the people we get to meet could, in fact, be the one we really want to end up with.

"Is this person the one?"

That question hints at a lack of trust that the universe is unfolding exactly as it should. The truth is, the next person that comes into your life is going to be EXACTLY the one. Maybe it’ll be for a conversation; maybe it’ll be for a lifetime.

The next person you meet will, in fact, be the one. And if there’s a person after that, he or she will be “The One,” too.

You aren’t responsible for predicting the next 50 years of your life whenever you go on a first date. That’s basically what you’re asking yourself to do by starting with the question, “Is this person the one for me?”

Your responsibility is simply to come to each One with an open heart, and an open mind. And let that person teach you what you need to know. So you can be a better woman or man. So you can be the best version of The One for the next One you meet. Because you’re someone else’s future “The One” too, you know.

And, if you’re lucky, you discover the lesson the world has been meaning to teach you all along:

That YOU are the person you’ve been waiting for. You are the limitless source of love. And whether you’re single or in a great relationship or in a relationship you’re questioning, that’s perfect for you.

You are where you are because there’s a lesson (or twenty) that you must learn to evolve to the next best version of you, which brings you closer to your next One.

So embrace where you are. Learn what you can.

The next person who walks into your life will be exactly the right One for the next set of lessons you need to learn.

And if they help you realize that you are, indeed, the One you’ve been waiting for—that there are a million reasons why you’re lovable and worthy…

I think that’s when you should hang on and not let go.

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This article was originally posted on Melissa Joy Kong's blog. Read more about what Melissa has written about life, love, and personal growth here.

I Have Always Admired Your Shortness

The Last Love Letter Project is a series of hand-written love letters answering the following question:

If you could write only one last love letter to the person you love most, what would you say?

Participate in the Last Love Letter Project by writing your own letter and submitting it here.

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Dear Carson,

I have always admired your shortness. I have also always thought that tall and short people look cute together. So, how about you and me?

I've had a crush on you for a long time... I'm sorry I haven't given you these letters yet, but hopefully you'll get them soon.

-A

P.S. I was in your class

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If this letter gave you a warm fuzzy, you should definitely write one of your own. You won't regret it. And if you feel like sharing the love, submit it here:

[jbutton link="http://loveumentary.com/love-letters/" halign="center" size="large" color="blue" rounded="no"]Submit Your Letter![/jbutton]

Episode #32 - Kiran and MeiMei

[powerpress]One of the reasons Kiran and MeiMei have one of the most beautiful relationships I've ever witnessed is that they have both failed. Not only have they failed, but they've failed big! They have put their hearts on the line, and swung for the fences only to be met with rejection, or disappointment, or a big old strike-out. What they so desperately dreamed and wanted did not unfold the way they had envisioned. And yet, these big failures did not break them. Kiran and MeiMei choose to use their failures as catalysts for growth and learning. But using failure as an asset is not easy! It requires crazy amounts of courage, because failure is scary!

It's this irrational fear of failure that most often stands in the way of our ability to fully live our lives and love others without reservation.

Fear is what makes us build up walls of anti-vulnerability. Fear pushes us to lie, or hide the icky parts of ourselves that we don't love. Fear is the fuel of insecurity, doubt, and selfishness.

We fear rejection.

Rejection makes us feel broken or deficient in some way. The feeling of rejection makes us feel worthless and empty. It makes us question everything about ourselves. When we are rejected, we begin to wonder, "What is it about me that makes me so unlovable? What do I lack? What am I doing wrong? Am I not smart/funny/attractive/skinny/fit/outgoing/interesting enough?"

We fear deception.

We've all heard the horror stories. A friend starts dating someone, falls in love, or even gets married, only to find out that the person they have invested so much time, effort, and energy into is not who they say they are. They find themselves being manipulated, abused, or deceived. What if the person I love lies to me? What if they cheat? How can I ever trust others again after a betrayal of trust? Or worse... how can I trust my own judgement of character? What did I miss? How many other people are lying to me? Do people think I can't handle the truth?

We fear abandonment.

The fear that life will slowly pull the people you care about away from you is torturous. Change, especially unexpected change is hard to deal with. It can be devestating to have your world turned upside down without any warning or explanation. Unexpected breakups can be confusing and heart-wrenching. Naturally, people develop fears of abandonment. What if the one I love gets bored of me and decide to leave? What if I fall short of their expectations? What if we can't recover from a disagreement? What if we drift apart, and just stop loving each other?

We fear the truth.

We fear that people will see us for who we truly are... warts and all. We fear that our icky parts make us unloveable. If people knew who we really were, they would not want to be with us. How could they? What if my person sees me - all of me - and it's not enough? What if my past gets held against me? What if they find about the skeletons in my closet? Will it make me less desirable, or worse... unlovable? These fears are all fears of failure. Failure to live up to the expectations of others, and sometimes even ourselves.

The only way to combat this fear of failure... the ONLY way... is self-love.

Love Yourself | Don Miguel Ruiz | The Loveumentary

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You must love yourself before you can love others.

When you love yourself, you do note fear rejection.

You do not need the validation of someone else to feel whole. You know what you deserve, and you happily refuse to settle for less. If you are not enough for someone else, they are not the right person for you, and you are one person closer to someone who is. Your love is enough.

When you love yourself first, you do not fear deception.

You respect yourself too much to stand for manipulation and lies. Because you do not fear the truth, you demand it from the people you love. If someone is abusing that trust, you know it is them and not you who has the problem. There is no guilt. You have nothing to be guilty for. There is no shame. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have lived with love and integrity. Your love is enough.

When you love yourself first, you do not fear abandonment.

Being alone is not scary or sad or uncomfortable, when you love yourself because you are always in good company. You don't need someone to laugh at your jokes if you think you are funny. You don't need somebody to tell you you are beautiful if you think you are beautiful. You don't need somebody to stick around to validate or love you if you have no problems validating and loving yourself. Your love is enough.

When you love yourself you will never fear the truth.

Nobody can hold your icky parts against you. You have already embraced them and accepted them. Nobody can use your past, your fears, or your insecurities against you if you love them. You can't be hurt by yourself if you love yourself. Your love is enough. When you love yourself, failure becomes less scary. Fear loses its power. Now it can be used as something positive. Failure can expose our weaknesses. This gives us a chance to make our weaknesses stronger. Failure forces us to stand face-to-face with the truth... especially the truth we are hiding from, or avoiding. This gives us a chance to embrace and love the truth, and removes its sting. Failure forces us to stand up and try again. It forces us to be vulnerable. It forces us to get outside our comfort zone. These things give us a chance to build courage, connection, and to experience growth. If you do not love yourself first, you will always be plagued by the fears of abandonment, rejection, deception, or not being "enough." Love yourself first.

Your love is enough.

You Are God's Best Gift To me

The Last Love Letter Project is a series of hand-written love letters answering the following question:

If you could write only one last love letter to the person you love most, what would you say?

Participate in the Last Love Letter Project by writing your own letter and submitting it here.

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Dear Chris,

You are God's best gift to me. you are my complete opposite in so many ways, but you are my hero, my rock and the best life partner I could have asked for.

Thank you for trusting me with your heart. I love you with every inch of mine.

xoxo Chéri

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If this letter gave you a warm fuzzy, you should definitely write one of your own. You won't regret it. And if you feel like sharing the love, submit it here:

[jbutton link="http://loveumentary.com/love-letters/" halign="center" size="large" color="blue" rounded="no"]Submit Your Letter![/jbutton]

Episode #31 - Roger and Judy

Patience: The Art Of Being OK Not Getting What You Want When You Want It

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I remember that feeling I experienced when I had to wait for each Harry Potter book to be released. For months, and even sometimes years, I'd be left on pins and needles, wondering what was next, who would die, and how Harry would defeat Voldemort. Kids now-a-days who get to read through the whole series without having to wait don't understand the months of anxiety and speculation and drama that preceded the release of each book, and the overwhelming joy that ensued when I finally got my greedy little hands on a copy.

I experience similar feelings recently when I got introduced to Breaking Bad. It had been a long time since I had to count down months, then weeks, then days until the big finale. The waiting was almost torturous. I'd find a way to bring the series up in conversation at nearly any opportunity, and when people didn't know what I was talking about, I'd try to convert them.

Harry Potter and Walter Wight... They have taught me the virtue of patience.

Or at least that's what I thought.

It wasn't until I met Roger and Judy that I realized the "patience" I exercised while waiting for cookies to bake in the oven is just a drop in the bucket compared to what is often required to experience a deeply loving and satisfying relationship... the kind of relationship that some people only dream of.

When What You Want Means Waiting...

Roger and Judy met in a very small town where everybody knew nearly everybody else. One day he walked into a hotel, and saw this beautiful woman with amazing legs answer the phone, and he was sold. He knew they had to be together.

Over the next few months as they became fast friends, feelings began to develop. They wanted to be together, but Judy was already married. Her husband - a helicopter pilot - had been sent off to the Vietnam War and was proclaimed Missing in Action after he was shot down behind enemy lines. The military informed Judy that it was highly unlikely that anyone would survive a crash of that nature, but until they were certain, they could not proclaim her husband as Killed in Action.

Their friendship grew as Judy overcame the hardship of losing her husband, and Roger patiently acted as a friend and support to her.

Even when feelings began to develop between them, they exercised patience, and did not disrespect the vows Judy had made with her missing husband.

Over a year later, Judy received confirmation that her husband had, in fact, been killed in action, which allowed for Roger and Judy's relationship began to progress into something more serious.

Roger attributes this time of healing, and waiting, and building a solid, steady friendship as essential to creating a the strong, stable foundation their relationship now rests on. The care and love they developed for each other ran incredibly deep before they were ever romantically involved with each other.

Their willingness to be patient added a whole new depth and dynamic to their relationship.

Sometimes You Get What You Want... Just Not The Way You Planned

After getting married, Roger and Judy wanted to have children. It wasn't long before they found out that they couldn't have kids on their own.

Anyone who has struggled with this can attest to the fact that it is maximum suckitude. It can take a toll on a relationship. When people get married, nobody plans to not be able to make babies. It's not something you can anticipate.

The realization can make a person feel empty and hollow. It can be incredibly overwhelming, emotional, and discouraging.

But rather than lose hope, Roger and Judy decided to try for adoption.

They filed their paperwork and began the familiar process of waiting.

They waited for weeks. Then months. Then a year.

They prayed. They hoped. They leaned on each other for strength.

They practiced patience until their patience ran out... and then they practiced some more.

Then, the call came, and they welcomed their first child into their home.

In a matter of years they had 3 more children, all adopted, and all incredibly loved.

What does it mean?!

I guess the point of all this is that life just doesn't often work the way we expect it to.

The plans we make for ourselves are often foiled by serendipity and happenstance. Our biggest struggles and unexpected challenges can lead us to our most satisfying victories. The longest waits often result in the greatest payoff.

So, if there's something you're fighting for, or working for, or wishing for... hang in there. Be patient. Keep focusing on that goal. But don't forget to check your peripheral vision. Sometimes the answers we're most ready for aren't exactly where we expect them to appear.

What To Do When Love Becomes A Battlefield

I've heard one of the most difficult things in a soldier's career is returning home. One day you're living in constant danger. Every stranger acting suspiciously could be the enemy. Every abandoned car could be a bomb waiting to go off.  Even a random cell phone call can mean set off an explosion resulting in imminent death for you and your team. You have to be aware of people creeping up behind you, or hiding in dark corners. The level of alertness, and paranoia must be turned up to 11 all the time.

Then, suddenly you're discharged.

You're thrown back into civilian life. Every day you fight the urge to drop to revert to tactical procedures at the sound of a car engine misfiring, or turn and attack the person responsible for the too-close footsteps behind you. Even though your situation and surroundings have changed, your instincts and conditioning have not changed. You still have the habits, thoughts, and compulsions of a soldier even though danger is no longer imminent.

The stress that comes from having to fight back your most basic instincts on a daily basis can be overwhelming... even debilitating.

This is how I feel when coming out of a strenuous time in a relationship. The sudden transformation that occurs when two people decide to turn what was once a battleground into their home can be very difficult.

Despite efforts to forgive and forget, moving on in a loving way can take time, and often requires patience. Transitioning from a mental and emotional state of danger to safety, chaos to order, hostility to peace, constant suspicion to trust... it's not easy. There are days when I can't hold back the muscle memory. Little things - the tone of someone's voice, or a joke taken too seriously - trigger defense mechanisms that can reignite a war. Suddenly all of the progress towards peace and understanding are forgotten, and we're thrown back onto the battleground.

It's exhausting.

Sometimes I get so tired of fighting (or trying not to fight) that I just retreat and surrender inside myself. I feel safer if I don't do anything. Because if I don't do anything, then then there won't be anything to reignite the conflict.

But alas, it's not that easy. A relationship needs to be nurtured. The act of withdrawing, or not investing in the partnership will destroy it more quickly than anything else.

Here are 5 things I've learned (but not mastered) about healthy ways to fight as a couple:

Don't fight to win. Fight to find a resolution.

When your'e fighting to win, you make your partner your enemy... and the only good thing about having an enemy is when you destroy them in battle.

The problem is that when your enemy is also someone you love dearly, crushing them in battle loses its novelty. It just makes you feel like a jerk. The satisfaction of being "right" is lost in the misery of regrets.

One of the best ways to avoid the need to be right is to change the way you fight. Rather than fighting over small things (ie: who does the dishes, coming home late, or feeling distant) get to the heart of the issue. Maybe someone feels like their efforts to keep the house clean are going unappreciated. Maybe someone the stress of work is causing someone to withdraw physically, and they don't realize it's making their partner feel unwanted. Or maybe days alone with the children is leaving someone is craving a bit more 1-on-1 time.

Rather than accusing each other by saying, "You're not doing enough around the house!" or "You're not coming home on time!" Instead say, "Sometimes I feel like my work goes unappreciated. What would help me feel more loved would be if you ______. or "I miss spending time with you. I know work is busy, but I'd love to get some 1-on-1 time. Can I plan a date night for us?"

There is typically an underlying issue to every squabble that can be resolved with love.

Assume the other person is coming from a place of love.

Something I really struggle with is receiving feedback. Often, someone will come to me in an honest effort to make me aware of something I've done that may have been hurtful, or contrary to what my character.

Rather than appreciating that person for offering me an opportunity for growth, I react as if it were an attack on my character. I get defensive and hurt, even when the feedback isn't meant to be hurtful.

I'm trying to teach myself to take a deep breath after receiving feedback, and recognize the intent behind the critique. For example: If someone tells me something I said was hurtful to them, rather than interpret that as an accusation and act defensively, I am trying to remind myself that this person knows I'm the kind of human that cares about other people. They know I don't want to cause harm (especially with my words), and by making me aware of the situations when I fall short in that area they're giving me an opportunity to improve and grow.

And at the end of the day, becoming the best version of myself is really what's most important to me.

A disagreement isn't resolved with words. It requires action.

Talking about whatever causes conflict is part of reaching a resolution... but it's not the only part.

I've fallen into the trap (over and over and over again) of having a "talk," reaching an understanding and a resolution, feeling peaceful about everything, and then feeling confused and upset when the same conversation repeats itself a week later.

"I thought we already talked about this!"

Well, yes. We did talk about it. But did I do anything about it?

Probably not.

After reaching a resolution through talking, it's my responsibility to take ownership of making a positive change. If something I said caused harm, I need to avoid saying similar things in the future. If something I do (or more realistically, something I don't do) makes someone feel unwanted, then maybe I need to step up my game and make an effort to give more freely of my time, attention, or affection.

Not doing anything to address what caused the conflict in the first place only doubles the pain and resentment the next time it comes up... and it WILL come up.

You can only change yourself.

If you are waiting for the other person to take initiative and be the first to change, you're going to be waiting for a long time.

When we focus on changing the other person in a relationship, we turn into the person who keep score. Suddenly an act of kindness isn't just an act of kindness. It is a manipulation tool we use as leverage over the person we care about. We hold every one of our kind deeds over their head to show them how they are falling short, while you are making great strides.

Or worse...

We start to count the good deeds of our partner. We use their good deeds (or lack thereof) as a constant reminder of how they are falling short of their kindness quota. When we focus on their change (or lack thereof) rather than our own, we can only make them feel less empowered, less adequate, and less lovable.

The best way to inspire someone to change is not to criticize them or guilt them into it. Instead, lead them and guide them with acts love and words of appreciation and gratitude when they show progress.

Don't make it personal.

The worst thing you can do when arguing with someone you love is to take advantage of their most vulnerable weaknesses.

The foundation of love is trust. Creating trust requires a great deal of vulnerability. When you begin taking advantage of someones vulnerabilities, you are sabotaging the very foundation of your love.

Nothing hurts more than watching helplessly as someone you love mercilessly attacks you in the places they know will hurt the worst.

If you want a loving, lasting, healthy relationship, there can be no name calling, bringing up past hurts just to prove a point or cause more pain, playing off of someone's guilt or shame, or exploiting weaknesses.

This type of fighting is the gateway to abuse and can leave deep and lasting scars.

Yes, love can be a battlefield. Conflicts can get heated. People will probably even get injured. But returning home from the emotional warfare doesn't have to be as difficult as it often is. Learning how to fight is one of the things that truly separates the relationships that last from those that fall by the wayside as another statistical casualty.

What can you do to learn to fight better, and forgive and heal faster?

Episode #30 - Peter and Alicia

Alicia and Peter were such a joy to sit down with and interview. Nate and I laughed so hard the entire time. That's the thing about incredible couples: when you're around them, you cannot help but feel more energized, alive, and joyful.

It was clear from the way they gazed at one another and laughed together that they were completely comfortable being fully themselves around the other person. In essence, they brought out the best, most authentic versions of each other.

That was the first lesson Peter and Alicia taught us:

You know you've found a great partner when you can be completely yourself around the other person. This includes not just the positive range of feelings, but also the freedom to be messy, neurotic, and hurting. You're with your partner more than just about anyone else- and the only person you're with more is yourself. So, choose someone who embraces and catalyzes your fullest self.

This isn't to say every second is perfect and you should never feel negative feelings in the presence of your partner. It just means you get through them more gracefully, because you feel like you have a teammate rather than an opponent.

The second lesson we learned from these two:

"Don't be weird."

Just be yourself. If someone doesn't like you for the person you really are, they aren't for you. You don't need to do the robot. It also means you have to like yourself, though. Are you happy being you? How do people feel when they are around you? How others tend to feel around you a self reflection of the kind of person you are to others and how much you love yourself.

Don't be weird about being your true self- even if your true self is super weird.

And the third great takeaway from Peter and Alicia:

"People put too much emphasis on things that aren't important, and too little emphasis on things that are." - Peter

Make sure you're clear about and proud of your priorities. What's important in a relationship? What's really a big deal, and what isn't worth fighting over?

Communicate clearly about how you feel, and be honest with your partner. That honesty, when coming from a loving, well-intentioned place, will make you stronger as a couple.

Why?

Because there's nothing quite like having a partner you can go through life with, knowing he or she accepts you, even for the things you're embarrassed to admit or afraid to share. That honesty equates to an undeniable freedom, and thus, a deeper love than you could ever imagine.

Thanks, Alicia and Peter, for the great interview- and for making us laugh for over an hour straight!

Thanks for listening! Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes.

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Thank You!

We are so, so grateful.

The last month for us has been full of incredibly high highs, and incredibly low lows. We have both given up full time jobs, and a steady income. We have left our families and friends. We have embarked on the open road, trusting the universe with our dream. We knew (and still know) that we couldn't accomplish it alone. We have been required to confront a lot of our greatest fears. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of commitment. Fear of abandonment. Fear of asking for things—including money—from people we love and care about.

All of these fears experienced at the same time made for one overwhelmingly intense month of uncertainty and growth.

And now, here we sit at the precipice of something amazing. Your donations, time, support, stories, hospitality, love, and many countless sacrifices have opened up the door for us to pursue our dream to bring more love into the world.

Neither of us have a child, but I assume that the feeling we have now is as close as we'll get to bringing a child into the world. There is an overwhelming feeling of joy, pride, excitement, and anticipation, with a slight undertone of worry. You don't want to drop your baby on its head, after all.

We digress.

It would be a shame for us to continue blazing across the country without giving a nod to some of the people who made a special effort to make this project a reality.

Nate's Acknowledgments: 

Mom and Dad. You've let me live in your basement for a year while I figured out my life, pursued my passions. You never questioned my motives, or gave me any reason to believe you weren't fully supportive...even when I invited Melissa, a virtual stranger, into your home to live in the bedroom next to mine for 6 weeks. Your generosity, support and love means more than the world to me. Without you, this project would not be taking place. Thank you.

And to Melissa's mom, thanks for raising such a lovely, intelligent, passionate, and competent daughter who is not only acting as my travel companion, but my friend and my teacher along this journey. Your strength of character, humor, and tenacity shines through her every day.

Next, my friends:

Jonny, Steve, Garrett, Sandy, Jason, Josh, and Sarah, Ben, Jessica, Kristy, Joel, Zack, Zack, Michelle, Jeff and Kelly, Lauren, Torben, Vegor and Errin, Marisa, Amber, Molly, Lolly, everyone from my Bold family, and my Crossfit family, and friends that are basically adopted family...I'm just so grateful for you all. Thanks for listening to me prattle on about my dreams, my aspirations, my goals, and for helping me make them better.

Thanks for taking my ideas as seriously—sometimes more seriously—than I take them.

Thanks for being there to listen to me when I felt like I was going to fail, like I wasn't enough, or like this wouldn't or couldn't happen...and thanks even more for being the ones who told me to get up, press onward, and keep trying until I saw the success that you knew could see for myself even when I could not.

Melissa's Acknowledgments: 

Mom: You are the best mom I could've ever asked for. I think about how insanely blessed I am to have been raised by you every single day. Thank you so much for being such an active mom, and hustling to open doors so I could walk through them later in my life and make my wildest dreams come true. You are the most loving, honest, nurturing, gregarious person I know. It is truly an honor to call you mom; thank you for supporting me and all of my crazy adventures. I love you to infinity.

Camille & Craig: Thank you so much for inviting me into your home and treating me like part of the family. I felt so welcomed; there is incredible warmth in the home and family you've built. I learned far more than you know about love and commitment from being around the two of you for 6 weeks. I am eternally grateful. Thanks for raising such a great son—he's got a heart of gold, and his commitment, discernment, and care for others perfectly reflects the wonderful parents who raised him.

Sarah: For being like a sister to me for 6 weeks. You are the perfect combination of heart-centered, funny, thoughtful, and easy going. I feel so blessed to know you, and I'll be thinking about you for the next 18 months while you're learning, growing, and creating incredible memories in France.

To all of the incredible friends who have stuck by me through the highest highs and lowest lows, and shaped me into a better woman: Geada Lauren Ford, Jean Powell, Kate Picinich, Amber Rae, Emma Furman, Holly O'Dell, Liz Song, Franca Ruggiero, Bridget Moore, Maddy Leder, Bradley Tipper, Seth Kravitz, Jonathan Pasky, Crystal Shuller, Adam Miller, Jill Felska, Katherine Lannom, and Matt Runyon. You have no idea how special each of you all are to me. So thankful for every single one of you.

S: Save the best for last. I could never have planned for you and the role you would play in my life. You cracked my heart wide open, loved and accepted me for exactly who I am, and reminded me of what I'm waiting for. You are my inspiration and encouragement for chasing this dream. I literally could not have done this without you. Thank you for being the catalyst for this journey I am on—one of learning about what it truly means to love others, and more essentially, myself. You are part of every adventure I have and lesson I learn on this trip. My heart swells with love and gratitude for you, every single day. Thank you.

All the people we've interviewed and will interview: 

Your stories, wisdom, and vulnerability are the heartwarming center of this entire project. We could not bring The Loveumentary to life without you. We are beyond grateful to every single one of you for opening up your hearts and homes to us. Thank you for allowing us to tell your story. You crack open the minds and hearts of every single person who gets to listen to it. We love you, and are honored to know all of you!

To all of our Kickstarter backers: 

Seriously, you have no idea how rad all of you are. We are so ridiculously humbled by your financial support, and your willingness to share this project with the people you love. Every single dollar really did count, and we hope that every one of you who contributed knows just how much your contribution meant to us. You are the reason we are making this project—and one of our biggest dreams—a reality.

Our designer: 

Rachel, you are such an awesome human being. Without much direction from us at all, you jumped in and made our Kickstarter page look super amazing. We are so excited to work with you. Thanks for being so rad and patient throughout the craziness of the last few months. You are such a warm, lovely soul, with mad design skills to match.

Last, but definitely not least, we want thank our sponsor:

Couple App—woot woot!!

To Jessy and the Couple team: We are so grateful and excited to be sponsored by you! You have been so supportive of us, and this project couldn't have happened without you. We're so thankful to all of you, and feel lucky to work with such a talented team of people. Thank you for believing in us!

Also, a totally awesome plug—we seriously love Couple app. It's an incredible (and super fun) way to connect with the person you love. So, if you're in a relationship, this is something you must download today. We promise, you won't regret it. Download Couple App here!

The Truth About Nice Guys

For as long as I can remember, I've proudly worn the label of "nice guy."

As the "nice guy," I felt it was my duty to make sure my significant other was always happy... and more importantly, I felt it my duty to make sure that I was never the source of her unhappiness. I am the "nice guy" afterall, and only jerks cause unhappiness, right?

The paranoia of accidentally hurting a girl's feelings was my worst nightmare. I didn't want to lose my "nice guy" status, and get labled as a player or a jerk.

I found great pride in my ability to be kind, rational and tactful.

But kindness, rationality, and tact does not a "nice guy" make. I was falling short in one important area: Honesty.

Being honest is not easy.

Honesty is the foundation of trust, and you cannot have love without trust.

The hard thing about being honest is that it means you have to embrace the truth... and the truth can be painful. But "nice guys" don't like to inflict pain... remember?

As a result of my well-intentioned "niceness," I know there are many girls that will attest to the fact that I have not really done a very good job at being nice.

At all.

Not even a little bit.

In the past, when things start to go amiss in a relationship or I start to feel weird, I bury the feelings. I bottle them up rather than addressing them. Those bottled-up feelings turn into resentment. In the midst of that resentment, I push away the people (or person) I care about most which typically results in the end of a relationship. And the relationship typically ends without explanation or closure.

Then if the girl seeks out closure, I feed them a convenient and well thought-out lie that is far easier to swallow than the truth... at least easier for me to swallow. Rarely would my excuses for "fizzling" or ending a relationship without explanation paint the "nice guy" in a bad light.

Because remember, I don't want to hurt anyone.

Let's be honest, that sounds more like a jerk than a "nice guy." The "nice guys" can be the biggest jerks, and we don't even realize it.

I think at the heart of every "nice guy" is a guy whose true fear isn't that of hurting others by expressing the truth. It goes much deeper than that. A nice guys' fear is that honestly expressing the truth will make him unworthy of love.

If I tell her about my dark past, what if she turns and heads in the oppsite direction?

If I let her know that it drives me crazy to listen to her eat, will she think I'm nit-picky and therefore not worth the while?

If I tell her that I'm scared about how fast things are moving, or that I'm not ready for intimacy, or that I'm not comfortable with PDA, she might think I'm not the one for her, she might think I'm emotionally immature, she might think I don't desire her, or she might see me as less of a man.

The fear of the worst possible scenario is paralyzing. The fear of rejection, lonliness, and being not-enough ironically fuels the exact behavior that will prevent the "nice guys" from ever experiencing genuine connection, affection, and love.

The thing I'm realising is that the truth is inescapable, and it always has a way of catching up to us.

The truth is at the heart of every relationship. It's the foundation of trust, and love.

Being the guy who is honest, who embraces the truth regardless of how scary or ugly it is, is far more important than being the guy who is "nice" or well-liked. Inviting the truth into your relationships, and trusting the people you care about to handle it with grace and poise is honorable, and can even be exciting. It provides opportunities for growth and improvement... and really, that's what it's all about, right?

My new goal is to give up the title of "nice guy," and embrace the truth, regardless of how difficult and uncomfortable it might be for me. Nice guys (and girls) of the world, I invite you to join me.

Let's embrace the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.