A Soft Place To Land

One thing I love about my fiancée is that she's always a soft place to land for me.

I often come to her with worries, concerns, or struggles. Sometimes I experience a lot of fear and anxiety around these conversations. I fear that my weaknesses and imperfections will make me unworthy of love.

Yet every time I push through the resistance and open up to her, I am met with more of her patient love, understanding, and acceptance.

She has never raised her voice at me. She has never judged me or thrown my mistakes or fears back into my face.

I have never experienced love and acceptance like that before, and I know that if we can continue to be a soft place to land for each other through our struggles, and trials, and hardships that we will be able to make it through anything life throws our way.

Having a soft place to land - or someone you can talk to about anything without fear of judgement - is so important. Here are some of the things that can help you be a soft place to land for the people you love:

Just Listen

Don't give advice. Don't pull weird faces. Don't fix things. Don't ask questions.

Just listen.

Whatever the person across from you is sharing is not easy to say. Sit quietly and take it all in.

Reinforce Their Value

Sometimes all we need to hear as humans is that it's ok to not be perfect. It's ok to mess up. It's ok to have weaknesses.

After listening, reassure them that they are still loved. Tell them how important they are to you no matter how much they screw up.

This will help prevent the people you love from falling into a shame cycle, and it will make it easier to come to you in the future.

Forgive

If you are in the place to do so, offer forgiveness.

Forgive quickly and often (when abuse and addictions are not a factor).

When people are freed from the burdens of guilt, they show up for you in the most beautiful and spectacular way. Forgiveness is magical, and when coupled with gratitude, will transform a marriage.

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You Can’t Shop for Love Like You Shop for a Car

I wrote this post a few months ago and put it on Medium. I figured it was high time to share it here. Hope you enjoy it!

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I always knew I wanted to get married and had a family one day. As I dated in my early 20's, I thought it was only a matter of time before I would be proclaiming my wedding vows to the woman of my dreams in front of all the people I love most.

When marriage didn’t come, and my relationships seemed to start and end more quickly than I’d like to admit, I started to think something was wrong with me. I felt broken and defective as I watched my friends all get hitched and start popping out babies.

Only recently did I realize that it wasn’t me as a person that was the problem, it was the way I was dating.

Throughout my 20’s I approached finding the love of my life like I was shopping for a new car.

When you shop for a car you typically begin with a large pool of options, then eliminate the cars that are out of your price range, have too many miles, or are the wrong color, make, or model. As you narrow down the field, you take a few cars for test drives, then when you find the one that most closely meets all your specifications, you buy it.

There’s only one problem… if you want to find amazing love, you cannot comparison shop! It simply doesn’t work.

When you make decisions for your love life by comparing a never-ending supply of people with countless different attributes, qualities, talents, and interests against each other, there can never be a clear “best choice.”

People who comparison shop for love want the most bang for their buck. They’re constantly checking Tinder, Match, and OKCupid for new, more attractive, more compatible matches with the hope of eventuality upgrading to a better model. Even when these people finally do choose a partner, they continue to have wandering eyes, and wonder if life would be better if they could find someone who was slightly more compatible, relatable, or beautiful.

They’re never completely dedicated to or satisfied with the person they decide to be with.

Love cannot grow or thrive with this mindset… which is a big reason why so many of these relationships are over nearly as quickly as they begin.

So, if you can’t find love using a decision-making method, what are your alternatives?

Rather than making a “decision” you must make a “choice.”

What’s the difference? Let me explain:

The word “decision” contains the Latin root “cis” which means to cut off, or kill. (See: incision, scissors, circumcision)

When you make a decision, you’re figuratively “cutting off” all other options until only one (the one that most closely fits your expectations) remains, just like the car shopping example above.

Choosing, on the other hand, is a values-based process. Choosing doesn’t require having all possible information. Choosing doesn’t even require you to compare one thing against another.

When making a choice, you take a look at what’s important to you, or what direction you’d like your life is going… or you listen to what your gut says, and then… you simply choose.

When you choose to love someone rather than deciding to love them, they won’t feel the pressure to always be perfect for you. They won’t have to live in fear of not meeting your unspoken standards or expectations. They get the freedom to be their perfectly imperfect selves with the knowledge that they will continue to be worthy of your love.

Choosing love creates the perfect ecosystem to grow love. When you choose to love someone, they have everything the need to flourish, thrive, be vulnerable, and connect with you in a deeply human way.

The beauty of love is found in its simplicity. Put simply, love is waking up every day — and despite any other options, feelings, emotions, thoughts, fears, concerns, or worries — choosing to love your partner. There are no considerations that need to be made. There’s no comparing. There’s no bartering or haggling.

Love only works when you choose someone. The moment you choose all other options cease to matter. Simply choose each other every single day.

Choose what you love. Love what you choose.

The Loveumentary Turns 2! (And I Have A Gift For You!)

Hey there! I can't believe it! A few weeks ago, The Loveumentary celebrated its 2nd birthday!

I can't tell you how incredibly lucky I feel to have had the opportunity to follow this pipe dream and facilitate this amazing community. Over the last 24 months I've had the privilege of publishing over 50 podcast episodes, speaking in front of audiences all over the country, seeing over thousands of people follow The Loveumentary on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, iTunes and Soundcloud.

The most amazing thing I've been able to experience, however, has been meeting so many of you. I am so inspired by your stories, your support, and your dedication to creating amazing love in your lives. Thank you so much for being who you are. The world needs more people like you.

I wanted to do something for you to show my gratitude for your influence in my life... but first a little context so you understand the gift:

The Context

Many of you may not know that early last year I started a company called Unbox Love. It's a subscription service that delivers a date-in-a-box to couples every single month.

My goal when I started this company was to make it easier for couples to make memories, have amazing conversations, and spent meaningful time together. I'm happy to say that, I feel like we're fulfilling on that mission for hundreds of couples every month.

We've put together some really cool dates for people, from meaningful art projects to chocolate-making classes. But there are some dates that we've dreamed up that just won't fit in a box... and that's where my gift to you comes in.

The Gift

My honest goal with The Loveumentary, Unbox Love, and to be quite frank, with my life is to help as many people as possible experience more incredible love.

That being said, my gift for you is two fold:

1. If you click here, you can sign up to get one of my favorite won't-fit-in-a-box dates delivered to your inbox once a month for 6 months. In these emails I've included all the steps you need to take to create an amazing, romantic and meaningful date night with your spouse or significant other.If you feel like you've run out of date ideas, if you constantly find yourself too busy to plan date night, if you feel like your relationship is growing stale, or if you just want a few extra creative ideas for your relationship, then these emails are for you.This project took hours and hours of work, but I want to give it to you for free in the hopes that it will result in some awesome make-outs, meaningful conversations, or just some great memories for you.

   I'd also love it if you'd share this with your friends (if you feel so inclined). The more love we create and spread, the better this world will be!

2. Secondly, I want to offer you a 20% discount for an Unbox Love subscription. Just use the code "LOVEUMENTARY". (I'd give you a box for free if I could, but I can't afford it right now.)We've never offered anyone a discount before, but there's no group of people I'd rather offer one to than you. You deserve it. You are my friends, my supporters, and very often the reason I get up in the morning.You motivate me to write, to learn, to edit, interview, share, speak, and strive to be a better person. For that I'm truly grateful.

   The code will be live through the first week of the new year. I hope you use it, and enjoy it. Our upcoming Valentines Day box is being curated with the help of the incredible team over at The Gottman Institute and will be legendary!

   Click here to sign up!

Thank you again for being who you are. I hope 2015 is a year full of love, success, growth, and progress for you. If there's ever anything I can do for you, you can schedule an appointment to chat with me here.

So much love to you,

Nate

Episode #51 - Steve and Natalie Part #2

[powerpress]On this week's episode, we finish our conversation with Steve and Natalie from the 'burbs of Chicago. For part #1, click here.

• What do you do to keep the love alive after having kids?

• What advice would you give to people who want to have a relationship like yours?

• "Go in with the mindset that you are not #1 anymore." -Natalie

• Taking a leap of faith. "The bigger the promise, the bigger the leap." -Melissa Joy Kong

• Loving people needs to become a habit, or a default. If love always has to be a conscious act, it's unsustainable.

• Can divorce be an option? If so, what are the grounds for divorce?

• "I don't believe in marriage for the sake of marriage. I believe in loving." -Steve

• What separates an average marriage from an amazing marriage?

Episode #50 - Natalie and Steve

[powerpress]On today's episode, Melissa and I sit down with Natalie and Steve of the suburbs of Chicago. We talk about their courtship, how it ended in breakup, then they got back together, then almost broke up again. We learn about why their belief in God is essential to the type of marriage they enjoy. And we talk a lot about trust and taking risks, and a lot of other awesome stuff!

• Blind dates

• Favorite things

• Dating so long you get to the point where you either get married or break up.

• Sometimes the relationships that don't work prepare you for, and lead you to the one that does.

• Learning to trust after you've had your heart broken.

• Using the Bible's definition of love as the foundation for marriage.

Episode #49 - Jim and Cindy (Part 2)

[powerpress]In part 2 In this week’s episode we wrap up last week's conversation with Jim and Cindy Wigdahl. Jim and Cindy have been friends for over 30 years, but have only been married for 4 or 5 years. Their story is amazing and sad and full of hope all at the same time. It will open your heart. I hope you love it.

In this conversation, we discuss:

• Not trying to change each other.

• Be a good listener.

• The power of male friendships

• Don't allow yourself to be drawn to a person who is exactly like you

• Love yourself first

• Being ok not having all the answers, and instead being a questioner

• How losing your spouse changes your perspective of life

• Loneliness

• How do you know in 2 months that you were supposed to get married?

• "I'm happy to be stuck with you." When you're single, if you don't like something, you just leave and find something else that you prefer.

If you love the smooth and sultry sounds of Jim's voice, you can check out his voice talent website . Leave your thoughts about this interview in the comments!

Your Greatest Sacrifice Will Be Your Greatest Investment

Big investments always require significant thought, faith, a whole lot of due diligence, and plenty of sacrifice. Committing to spend the rest of your life with someone, and deciding how to spend that life together is arguably the biggest investment you can make. It means investing your hopes, dreams, patience, love, time, and even your body in someone else's hopes, dreams, patience, love, time and body.

But remember, the biggest investments and the greatest sacrifices often have the highest payout... And the sacrifice you make now for the one you love will prove to be one of your greatest investments.

If True Love Doesn't Terrify You, You're Not Really Getting It

Love has a way of always pushing your limits and exposing your weaknesses. If you're feeling stretched, pushed, or even terrified, it's a good sign that you're probably doing it right.

Be willing to go to that scary place, have the hard conversation, and confront your demons..

Pushing through your discomfort will only bring you closer together.

If your love is always easy, you're probably not growing... And that means you're missing out.

Episode #48 - Jim and Cindy Wigdahl

In this week’s episode we sit down with Jim and Cindy Wigdahl. Jim and Cindy have been friends for over 30 years, but have only been married for 4 or 5 years. Their story is amazing and sad and full of hope all at the same time. It will open your heart. I hope you love it.

In this conversation, we discuss:

• What it's like to marry your friend of 30 years after not seeing them in nearly 2 decades.

• Jim explains what it's like to be single till your mid-50's... and be happy about it.

• The feeling of peace that results when you choose to be with someone.

• The importance of your community supporting your relationship.

• What it's like to have a short engagement, and end up really courting and getting to know each other after marriage.

• Jim discusses how his concept of God has changed and grown since he has been married.

Favorite quotes from this episode:

"Don't ultimately hesitate to give your life away. Don't hesitate to release the thing that you cling to, because you will find that it will move into a better thing. And you will find yourself more fortunate because of it." -Jim Wigdahl

"Marriage will break you. It will destroy you. And that's a good thing. Because it will then put you together in a way that is richer, and deeper, and you will be more alive than you ever thought you could be." -Jim Wigdahl

If you love the smooth and sultry sounds of Jim's voice, you can check out his voice talent website here. Leave your thoughts about this interview in the comments!

Nobody Likes A Complainer

When you complain, you make yourself a victim.

A victim is powerless. A victim has no freedom. A victim cannot, or will not change their circumstances.

Few things kill love faster than a person who constantly complains.

Rather than complain, look for something positive to talk about. Find a way to draw a lesson, or an opportunity out of a negative experience. Use challenging situations to bring you closer together rather than tear you apart.

Here's your mission for today: Set a goal to go 24 hours without complaining. If you complain, your 24 hours resets. (Laying in bed all day is not an option for completing this challenge.)

Let me know how it goes!

Oh, and follow The Loveumentary on Instagram!