This post was inspired by this week's awesome podcast with Liz and Ryan. You should check it out to learn more about how awesome rituals can make an awesome relationship even more amazing:
On a scale from 1-10, how is your love life? Many people, maybe even most people will answer between a 6 and 8. I'd say a solid 7 would be considered acceptable, livable, and even relatively enjoyable for most people. Liz and Ryan are my kind of people.
Kissing is awesome.
Remember your first kiss? The nerves? The anxiety? The excitement? The tingle from head to toes? (I hope it wasn't just me that experienced the tingle...) There is just something special about a good kiss.
Kissing releases endorphins, helps reduce blood pressure, fight cavities, and reduce the pain of headaches and cramps. It's even a barometer for sexual compatibility. (Source)
Yet, as amazing as kissing is, many people often allow the kiss to be replaced by the peck (gross). A peck is something you give your grandma, not your lover.
Pecks to not lend themselves to passion.
Make a pact to choose passion in your relationship by committing to kiss for 10 seconds or longer every day. When you part ways, kiss each other like you'll miss each other.
Trust me, do it for a week, and your love life will begin to transform.
The more we work for something, the more we appreciate it.
One of my favorite things to do is mow the lawn. I'm meticulous with the lines I leave in the grass. I make sure to switch up the direction I mow every week to get the optimal cross-hatch pattern.
I put in all this work, because when it's all done, I can turn around and look at that luscious landscape and enjoy the fruits of my labors.
I get a very similar situation when I have a good shower, slip into a suit and tie, and take a lady out on a date. When I put effort into my appearance, I'm more thoughtful about how I show up for her. Getting dressed up gives the evening an air of specialness and romance.
Make it a point to dress up for each other every once in a while. Granted, snuggling in your PJs has its place... but sometimes I wonder the difference it could make if we put a little effort into ourselves for each other a little more regularly.
Do you know what I get excited for?
Whatever I want to get excited for, that's what.
Some of my favorite moments in a given week are when I make a fuss out of simple things... and the best part of it? Getting excited about something (or someone) is 100% a choice.
You can get excited when they call your number at In 'N Out Burger. You can get excited each time someone walks in the door at a party. You can get excited whenever the garbage man picks up your trash. There is a lot in life to be excited about...
But nothing is more worthy of excitement than love.
You can find reasons every day to make a fuss over each other. Make a fuss every time you see your mate for the first time in a day. Give a cheer every time your significant other says your name, or does something kind for you. Celebrate how lovely they look, and make it a point to compliment them on your favorite features every day.
People get excited about you when you get excited about them. Make a fuss over each other. It's so easy. It's 100% a choice. It makes every day a little more fun, it makes love a little more passionate, and it makes life a little more awesome.
Ugh, boring! Why on earth would you put sex on your calendar like an oil change, or a business meeting?
Yeah, don't do that.
Put sex on your calendar... and then give yourself a reminder 24 hours in advance to begin the foreplay. Shamelessly flirt with each other for days leading up to your special appointment. Send sexy texts, or erotic emails. Tease each other mercilessly.
The point of scheduling sex is to make sure the important things are a priority (and yes, sex should be a priority).
If you treat it like a business meeting, it will feel like one. If you use it as an opportunity to connect, flirt, and pursue each other, it can be an amazing tool for experiencing electric passion in your life.
Nothing says "You're not important to me," like your partner constantly looking down at their phone.
I've realized lately that I have this issue... so I've begun to turn my phone off, leave it at home, or put it in another room when I'm with people I love.
If you want more passion in your relationship, turn off your damn phone.
Got your own rituals to keep passion alive in your relationship? Leave them in the comments! I'm collecting them, because I think they're awesome.
The first group of people use guilt, bargaining, rationalization, and manipulation to get what they want. There is always a good reason why what they want is more important than what their partner wants.
"You spend all your time at work. I never see you. It's like we're not even married anymore."
"I guess I'm just a terrible husband. I never do anything right."
Phrases like this plague relationships everywhere. Couples use their partner's weaknesses and emotions against them.
Couples who use manipulation against each other typically get what they want... but never at the same time. One person is always losing while the other selfishly takes their winnings.
There is a better way to get what you want.
Rather than scheming and plotting and seeing your mate as an obstacle to getting what you want, you can inspire them with your vision, and your kindness. When they see and understand the beautiful future you want to create with them, they will become your greatest advocate rather than an obstacle to your happiness.
For example, rather than saying, "We never spend any time together anymore." Why not tell your partner the type of relationship you envision.
"Can I share a vision I have for our relationship? I envision us being excited to see each other every day. Every time you walk through the door, I want to have a celebration for my love for you. I believe we can be the type of couple who connects meaningfully every single day. Does that sound like something you'd want too? What kind of relationship do you want to create? What can we do to create that together?"
Inspiration is a much more powerful motivator than manipulation, and the beauty of it is that you BOTH get what you want.
If you seek change in your relationship, envision your ideal reality, get your partner invested, then create it.
Every couple fights... but how you fight is a HUGE factor in your likelihood of staying together.
Fight clean, stay together. Fight dirty, not very likely.
There's good, clean fighting and there's dirty, underhanded fighting. I love Ze Frank's rules for a good, clean fight... and so I decided to share them with you:
That is bad. Always.
Swearing should be reserved for exclaiming about how large a poop is, or how hot it is on a particular day.
Generalizations are generally kind of crappy... things like "You always..." or "You never..." Try to stay focused on the content that started the argument in the first place.
One is a feelings argument, and one is a content-specific argument.
Sometimes when the feelings part of the argument gets very very intense, it's probably best not to stay focused on the content, and just deal with the feelings part. For example: Let's talk about the schedule for who makes the bed later on. Right now, let's focus on why you're getting so angry about it.
15 seconds to 15 minutes. No judgements. Just walk away. Calm down. Then get back into it when you can. When we become emotionally flooded, we go into fight or flight mode, and instincts are to either retreat, or attack. We lose touch with our sense of humor, and the ability to be empathetic. Take time to calm down.
That's a playing card that will lose its value quickly, and sour the relationship quite a bit.
If you find yourself saying things like, "You always make me feel..." and you can trace that feeling to past relationships, well, it might be on you.
Repeat back exactly what the other person said. Sometimes, especially when fighting, we hear things that are not said. Try not to fight with what you think the other person is thinking. Otherwise you're fighting with yourself... which is going to turn into a long fight.
Sometimes the wrong thing slips out of your mouth. If you can't think before you speak, at least be thoughtful enough to apologize after you speak.
When you have something difficult to say, start with clarifying the intent. "The reason I'm telling you this is that I care about our relationship, and I love you very much. It might be difficult to hear, but hiding it from you would be more damaging than telling you."
What rules could you adapt into your fighting style?
Click the shopping cart in the upper right hand corner of the audio player or click here to purchase the full one-hour interview!
We live in a world of instant gratification.
Bored? You've got Angry Birds and CandyCrush at your fingertips.
Hungry? Your food can be ready for you to eat in less time than it takes to drive up to a window and pay for your meal.
Horny? Porn is just a mouse-click away, not to mention Tinder and Craigslist are teaming with people looking for a casual hookup.
Netflix and Hulu give us instant TV shows and movies. Spotify, GrooveShark and RDIO give us instant access to our favorite songs. Instagram, Twitter, Vine and Facebook... they give us instant social validation and approval with a quick double-tap, up-vote, or like from friends we never talk to.
My generation has ben dubbed "The Selfie Generation," and I believe that title doesn't just reflect our propensity to extend our arm and pull faces at our cell phone without any explanation in public. It's because we have been bred to be outrageously selfish.
I've been thinking a lot about selfishness lately, and how attached selfishness is to instant gratification. I'm convinced that most of us are not consciously selfish. The desire for instant gratification comes from the need to fill a void, or to escape from pain, self-loathing, loneliness, shame, awkwardness, nerves or even our own thoughts.
We feel like if we can escape these feelings, their absence will leave us in a state of love.
We have been duped into believing that at the end of their pursuit of instant gratification we will find love. The sad irony is that love - true love - does not ever coexist with selfishness.
Love cannot be found on a screen, in a bottle, or on a plate. Love is something that is created by setting down the phone, turning off the computer, setting aside the bottle, and meaningfully investing in yourself and others.
Love is created when you stop trying to escape life, and start serving, uplifting, and living for others.
What's your escape? What are you using to fill the void that love could occupy? Is it shopping, or romantic novels? Maybe your'e addicted to work, alcohol, pills, or other substances? Do you get phantom vibrations in your pocket when you leave your cell phone in there for too long?
Everyone has an escape... and inside of every escape is space for more love. Is your escape worth it?
Check out Seth Adam Smith's new book, "Marriage Isn't For You, It's For The One You Love."
You can also check out more of his writing on his personal blog, and on his website, Forward Walking.
The full length episode for purchase will be coming soon (as soon as it gets approved by iTunes).
Thanks to Stars for the Intro Music:
And to Matty Blades for the Theme Music:
In the quote above, I define the risk of love as the risk of vulnerably & openly being my True Self with another person. When I was 23 years old, I had a huge revelation about how I’d consistently approached relationships:
Wow. Toxic habits. Yet I’ve done it several times, and have seen the pattern repeated in countless other people & relationships. And afterward, we often have the gall to say we “gave it a try.” Wait, what? How are we defining giving it a try?!
Well folks, here’s what I think: we tell ourselves that we want true love, but in reality, we just want to avoid pain. Our fear of being truly seen (authentically vulnerable) can be so gripping that we would rather a) put up a wall and push the other person away, because at least that way we feel “in control” of the situation, and we feel “less hurt” if we are the rejecters and not the rejectees; or b) pretend to be somebody we’re not, just to feel loved by the other person.
After my revelation, I decided to finally tear down my walls and FULLY commit to my boyfriend (who is now my husband). I couldn’t believe what a difference it made, both in myself and in our relationship. I finally made the choice to be my wholly authentic self with him, “the good, the bad, and the ugly.”
It was hard. And very very scary. “What if he hates the real me?” I was showing him sides of my personality that I’d never shown anyone before. I had no guarantees that he would love me for all of my silly quirky craziness…but I finally chose to take the risk because I decided the following:
I would rather be my True Self with him than be in a sham relationship where I put on an act and hide different parts of myself from him. I will actively choose to come from a place of love instead of fear.
Quite frankly, a relationship built on hiding & acting is just too much work! And for what? To only be partially seen/known/loved? No thank you, not anymore.
After tearing down my remaining walls, I felt truly free in an intimate relationship for the first time in my life. I finally understood what it meant to be my 100% in a committed loving relationship, and it was INCREDIBLE.
I’ll admit, to this day (5 years later) I have been known to briefly slip back back into wall building -- I had done it for so long that it became my conditioned response to feeling ashamed of myself. But over time, with committed & consistent efforts from both of us to continue being vulnerably authentic, the walls don’t come up NEARLY as often, and they’re always broken down within minutes (if not seconds) of being built.
We have figured out how to be our True Selves with each other, and it’s truly magical. We are connected on a level that I didn’t even know existed, and our connection only grows day by day.
I know that it was worth the risk of loss, and I sincerely hope you know it is, too.
Here are some suggestions I have for how to continue choosing the risk of love:
All the best on your loving adventures! :)
[jbox title="About Nicole Strack:" border="5" radius="15"]
Nicole is a personal growth blogger and a photographer. Her life’s mission is to live authentically, connect wholeheartedly, and share openly. She’s married to her best friend, and because of the love they’ve created, Nicole knows that true love is way better than the stuff of fairy tales. [/jbox]
Most marriages (and most relationships) are built on a promise. Sometimes the promise is spoken, like in wedding vows. Other times it's unspoken, like when you just know your best friend has your back.
Keeping promises is how you gain trust, and trust is the soul of a lasting relationship.
The way you gain or lose trust is by keeping promises, or breaking them.
When you know someone loves you, it can be easy to justify breaking a promise or commitment. After all, they love you... they'll understand and forgive you. Especially when they hear your incredibly compelling and valid excuses and justifications.
To justify means "to prove to be right or reasonable." Unfortunately, those who are constantly making reasonable excuses never get to experience an unreasonable love.
How often do you show up with integrity vs. showing up with an excuse for yourself and others?
Keep you promises. Start by keeping them today. Keep them with yourself. Keep them with those you love. Then start again with tomorrow. The roots of trust grow slowly, but when they sink deep, the fruits of love that come as a result will change your life.
In 2 days, I will be putting on the most epic love seminar you've ever seen. I'm picking a fight with mediocre love. My mission is to help you live and love without regrets. This event is not for people who want to live small. Get your tickets here, and take one step closer to experiencing the most amazing love of your life... did I mention it's free?
We love a good fight. Our favorite stories are always the epic battles between good and evil. Rocky and Drago, Karate Kid and Cobra Kai, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, Harry Potter and Voldemort (or Dolores Umbridge. Holy crap, I hated that woman), or even Queen Elsa and... herself.
We love seeing the virtuous, nobel, and courageous hearts struggle, then win in hard-fought battle over selfish villains. We love it, because we see glimpses of ourselves in our heroes.
We want to believe we are capable of great things.
What makes most heroes great is not that they fight against someone, but that they make the decision to fight for something or someone they love. They have a higher cause that they are willing to bleed and suffer for. Their love for their always drives them to extreme lengths, and to make unimaginable sacrifices.
So, dear friend. What is your fight? What are you willing to go to great lengths for?
Are you willing to fight for incredible intimacy today?
What are you willing to give up to experience more vulnerability with the people you love most?
Are you ready to step in the ring and take punches and punches to be the best husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/you that you can be?
Are you willing to barefoot walk through hell to make a difference in this world for yourself and for those you love?
Sometimes being a hero means little sleep, or giving up things you love for the things you love most. It always means you'll experience moments where you'll feel like you're fighting a losing battle, and that all hope is lost.
But the grit of the hero always wins out.
Choose your fight today... then fight.
That (paraphrased) quote hit me like a ton of bricks as I read the first pages of a new book this morning.
I've been waiting to feel courageous and confident before taking big risks. I told myself that if I waited long enough - if I planned, and worked, and spent enough time thinking things through - eventually everything I wanted would just magically appear into my life.
I was wrong.
There will always be doubt until you take action.
Let me explain this using an embarrassing story from my life: I didn't kiss a girl until I graduated high school. (I know, right?)
I remember on one particular occasion, a girl had asked me to be her date to a formal dance. This girl was WAY out of my league. She was a varsity cheerleader. She was a Senior (a year older than I was). And she was really cute.
She picked me up, and despite my insecurities and overwhelming nerdiness, the evening seemed to be going really well... We even held hands!
As the night wound down, it was time for her to take me home. She walked me to my doorstep and gave me a long hug. She stepped back and looked into my eyes, then down at my lips. Then back at my eyes. She and just lingered there... and I froze.
I panicked! I didn't know what to do!
I was so scared, and lacked so much confidence, that rather than kiss her flat on the lips like she obviously wanted, I leaned in and gave her a big, wet kiss on the cheek... just like the kind you'd get from a grandma.
I even made the sound, "MMMMMMMUAH!"
When I realized what I'd just done, I was mortified. I opened the door, ran inside, and freaked out. Why did I chicken out?! WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?!
It's easy to get stuck in your head. We convince ourselves that it's safe. We imagine if we never take action, we will never have to risk failure. But the shelter of inaction never lasts. Eventually we're forced to make a decision, and the longer we wait, the worse things get, and the more terrified we become.
But when we set aside all of the crazy that we work ourselves into, and just take action, the fog always seems to lift, and we experience clarity and confidence.
Ever have that battle at the beginning of a relationship where you don't want to be the first one to bust out the "L" word? You say things like, "I really really like you a lot." Or, "I love so much about you."
We'll elude to it, but we won't just say it.
But then there's that moment of clarity when you just say, "To hell with it, I love you. I know it. You know it. I'm sick of playing this torturous mind game. I'm just going to own it!" Then suddenly the other person finally feels safe saying, "I love you too! I've just been waiting for you to say it."
What a liberating experience taking action can be, right?
Now, I invite you to look at your life and your relationships. Where are you getting stuck in your head? What are the conversations you're not having, or the decisions you're avoiding? Are you working yourself into a frenzy rather than taking action?
STOP DOING THAT!
The confidence and clarity you seek will come the moment you stop thinking, and start doing.
If you're feeling stuck, and you need some help getting out of your head, I'm teaching a free seminar in Salt Lake this week on creating amazing, mind-blowing love... and we'll be spending time on this very thing. I'd love to see you there. Click here to reserve your ticket... and bring a friend.
If you can't make it, I encourage you to check out one of the most recent podcasts:
Josh and Jenny Solar talk about their family motto, "We don't talk about doing cool stuff, we do cool stuff." Their integrity-themed motto has opened up a world of possibilities for their family, and for their love.
This conversation with Josh and Jenny is the interview that completely shattered my life-long expectations of what I thought love was like. They are the couple I will never forget.
Hank and Sueann toyed with each other for years as friends before they finally took the plunge and decided to date and get married. They learned quickly that just like anything else, the quality of love they experience depends entirely on how much and how hard they practice.
If there were a World Series of love, they would always be in contention for the title.
Oh... and by the way... I did eventually kiss a girl. All it took was a little action.
And it was awesome.
I grew up playing sports. Ever since I was a kid I played soccer, basketball, ran track, and one season of little league baseball (which is how I found out I desperately needed glasses. Thanks for realizing that the reason I missed every ball was because I couldn't see it, Mr. Davis!).
My favorite sport was always soccer. When I played recreation soccer my team would practice once - maybe twice a week if we were lucky. I wasn't a great player until I became a teenager and decided that I wanted to play on the high school team. I started practicing more frequently. I'd dribble and shoot the ball in the back yard, and practice using my left foot. I joined a competitive soccer league and played with a bunch of guys who played at a much higher level than I did. It pushed me outside my comfort zone, and helped me grow.
Then I tried out for the high school team. By some miracle I snuck under the bar and made the team. It was immediately obvious that I was out of my comfort zone. I was smaller, in worse shape, and had less experience than almost everyone on the team. I was nervous, but I decided to just show up every day and put in the work.
I've never improved so quickly. Being thrown onto a team where everyone was so much better, and expected me to be better, did wonders for my soccer skills. We practiced every day for hours. I got in shape. I learned skills like how to use my body to gain position, or how to time my runs to be the first one to the ball. I learned how to shoot with more power, and how to read the field and predict the best place to put the ball.
Every noticeable improvement in my skills over the years could really be traced back to the frequency, the level of intensity, and the intentionality of my practice.
When talking with Hank and Sueann, Hank mentioned something that has always stayed with me. He said,
In relationships, we practice at the level of the league we end up playing for.
In other words, if you always want to be playing in the relationship little leagues, it requires little effort. It's not hard to swipe right on tinder, or find casual hookups every few weeks. It's easy to walk away from something when it gets hard. It's easy to find excuses to not invest every day.
On the other hand, there are only a few people in the world who get to experience the World Series kind of love... but they're the ones who fall in love with the practice. They push themselves every day to be better. They work to push their partners to grow and improve. They watch each others backs and pick up each others slack without complaining. They swing for the fences when they're up to bat, and sprint to every base. There are no vacations. There are no days off. And they love it.
It's not necessarily a bad thing to want to play in the little leagues... but playing at this level, you'll never know the glory of the world series.
If you want that can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of love, you have to be willing to put in the practice.
What are some of the things you do regularly to put in the practice? What can you do to elevate your game?
I’ve helped a lot of incredible people fix frustrating problems in their marriage, and learn the skills to create a relationship more incredible than they thought was possible. Here’s what just a few of them have said:
