This week I got to sit down with Dr. Mark Chamberlain. Mark has PhD in Clinical Psychology and specializes in helping people navigate the process of forgiveness, specifically in situations where it’s really hard, like when one member of the partnership struggles with addiction. You can listen to our conversation in the podcast above and get more details on forgiveness in the post below…
“...We come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide. Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one. Give me comfort, give me edge. Give me novelty, give me familiarity. Give me predictability, give me surprise. And we think it's a given, and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that.”
–Esther Perel
Working to develop new communication skills or giving your partner the benefit of the doubt more often isn’t going to improve your relationship.
The reason it doesn’t work is because these common issues are really symptoms of a much bigger problem that’s lying below the surface of your relationship…
You lack emotional safety.
The other day I was at a Utah Marriage Commission meeting talking to Ryan Dunn. He’s a professor in the Department of Child and Family Studies at Weber State University.
We were obviously talking about marriage (what else are you supposed to talk about when at a Marriage Commission meeting?) - when he asked me a question that really made me think…
And now I’m going to ask you the same question.
Let’s pretend you are terribly sick. Your heart is failing. You need emergency open-heart surgery if you’re going to live through the day. Now here’s the catch…
You have to make a big decision regarding who performs the surgery.
You get 2 choices:
An experienced surgeon with hundreds of successful open-heart surgeries under his belt, and decades of experience and education… but he’s only allowed to use the rudimentary tools you have in your kitchen
Jim the accountant who has never taken an anatomy class in his life… but he’s allowed to use some of the most state-of-the-art surgical tools on the market today.
I’m embarrassed to admit that I actually had to think about it for a second. The answer quickly became obvious. I’d want the experienced surgeon.
The tools he uses are nowhere near as important as the knowledge, experience, effort and commitment he’s put into mastering his craft.
That’s when the lesson smacked me in the face.
Just like owning a scalpel or forceps won’t make you a great surgeon, having great relationship tools in your relationship tool belt doesn’t make you great at relationships.
Knowing about good communication techniques, or understanding the importance of setting boundaries, or a good strategy for apologizing won’t make you a great relationship partner.
What makes you great is the experience of implementing this stuff over and over again. The real difference-maker is the effort you put into making these tools a part of who you are.
It’s kind of like the story I shared a while back about how I froze up when reciting the “Man In The Arena” quote at a men’s retreat because I hadn’t practiced it in a high-stress situation.
Knowing the answers is not the same as knowing them under pressure when it really counts.
The tools you have at your disposal will not make a real difference unless they become an extension of YOU.
The tools I teach you about relationships - or the tools you get from therapy, books, podcasts, seminars, etc. - they only work when combined with a heart that’s in the right place, and a willingness to practice until the thing that feels unnatural becomes natural.
Your goal when reading my emails, doing challenges, reading books, or whatever else you do to improve your relationship, shouldn’t be solely to develop skills.
Your first priority should be to get your heart in the right place.
Your second priority should be to do what is necessary to show up as the best possible partner you can be in order to diminish the amount of unnecessary suffering in your life and in your partner’s life.
Love is truly a heroic endeavor. And the hero that comes out victorious in love is the one with a courageous and virtuous heart.
A hero that changes the world starts by leaving what is comfortable, and venturing into the unknown.
Heroes take responsibility for their own fate, and the fate of those around them. They have learned that nobody is coming to save them. They’ve realized that waiting around for someone to show up and hand them the life they always dreamed of is going to result in a very long wait, and a very empty life.
Heroes do whatever it takes to understand their weaknesses and fortify them. They know if they pretend those weaknesses don’t exist, it could result in their demise.
Heroes surround themselves with people who support their mission, and they don’t pay any heed to those who would dare oppose them.
Heroes constantly face their monsters head-on. They know that running away from the “dragon” will only give him more time to grow and become even more dangerous.
The metaphorical surgeon at the beginning of the email… she saves lives not because she has special tools, but because she spends her life dedicated to her craft.
She knows the cost of a small mistake, and so… she practices until she can do a procedure in her sleep.
She overcomes her fears and nerves of cutting into a living human body.
She has mentors and teachers who show her way, and correct her mistakes.
She is a hero because she knows her tools are not enough.
And just like her, you must know that you are the hero of your story… and that tools are not enough.
My hope is that, like Obi-Wan Kenobi, I can not only provide you with some tools (like a relationship lightsaber), but also act as your guide along the way, and help you keep perspective, and find meaning and purpose in your endeavors… even if I’m just an occasional voice in your head.
I want nothing more than for you to be the hero of your story. Really.
I’ve put together a 7-day challenge that is designed to give you the tools and mindsets you need to create a relationship that’s better than you ever imagined. Get more details here:
Boundaries are a "litmus test" for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. Those who can't respect our boundaries are telling us that they don't love our nos. They only love our yeses, our compliance. "I only like it when you do what I want.”
― Dr. John Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud
Communicating accurately and communicating effectively are two very different things.
When we’re angry, scared, threatened, nervous, ashamed, or embarrassed, we tend to communicate very accurately what we’re feeling… but it isn’t very effective.
That’s the tricky part.
How do we communicate in a way that enriches, uplifts, and strengthens our relationship when emotions are running high, blood is pumping in our ears, and we feel like we either want to punch our partner or completely shut down?
In order to help you achieve that goal, I need to inspire you to make changes in the way you act, speak, think, and feel in order for you to get the results you want.
Then, I have to help you find a way to make those changes STICK! Changing for 24 hours, 24 days, or even 24 weeks does not an epic marriage make.
Those good choices you choose to make after listening to one of my podcasts or reading a blog post like this have to stick.
You’ve gotta repeat them over and over and over again for them to make a real difference.
So, what makes behavior change like that possible?
I’ve helped a lot of incredible people fix frustrating problems in their marriage, and learn the skills to create a relationship more incredible than they thought was possible. Here’s what just a few of them have said:
