I’m not a math guy.
It’s a lot like folding laundry. I’m not bad at it, but I don’t enjoy it… like at all.
But there’s one math formula I can get behind.
It’s called the “Magic Ratio.” (Listen to today’s podcast on the Magic Ratio here!)
If your ratio is on point, your marriage is almost guaranteed to be amazeballs.
If your ratio sucks, so does your marriage. (It’s not me judging you… it’s the math.)
Two years ago I hosted the first ever Utah Date Night.
Hundreds of people showed up to hear some of my favorite relationship experts speak for a few hours.
At the very end of the event we did a powerful activity.
We had the entire audience stand up and dance to an amazing, upbeat song. They got their hearts pumping, and their adrenaline going.
I want to tell you about this thing my wife does that gets me completely addicted to loving her.
It gets me to turn off my phone and help around the house, be more empathetic and emotionally supportive, kiss her passionately every day, and buy her flowers, pick up her favorite drink from the store, and write her love notes.
Sounds pretty magical, right? Maybe even a little hard to believe?
That’s what today’s podcast is all about. (You can listen to it here.)
The best way to explain what she does is to quote Myron Golden, a speaker I heard at a conference last month.
He asked the audience, “Why does anyone do anything?”
The answer?
“Because they feel like it.”
When something feels good, we want to do more of it.
Essentially, it all boils down to drugs. (The drugs in your brain, and the illicit kind as well.)
The reason people do drugs is because it makes them feel good!
Taking a substance like heroin, ecstasy, cocaine, or even alcohol releases a boat-load of reward chemicals into your brain, like serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine.
I’m oversimplifying the brain science here, but essentially, when someone does drugs, the release of these brain-chemicals is so POWERFUL that they will do ANYTHING to experience more of it.
They’ll stop eating. They’ll stop sleeping. They’ll even sabotage the relationships that mean the most to them.
That’s how strong these reward chemicals in your brain are!
But illegal drugs aren’t the only way you can get a hit of those reward chemicals.
You get a similar hit from the reward-center of the brain when you accomplish a big goal, receive a compliment, serve someone selflessly, fall in love, or when you eat a really delicious meal.
So… why do I help around the house, make an effort to be emotionally supportive, encourage my wife to spend time with her friends, buy her flowers, and kiss her passionately?
I do those things because she is my drug dealer…
My wife is really good at giving me what I need so that I actually crave investing in our relationship.
She knows that if I do something she likes, and she can respond by releasing those reward chemicals, I’m gonna want to do more of that thing!
She’s making me “addicted” to loving her.
That’s #SCIENCE
It’s crazy what happens when you know how to get your partner “addicted” to your marriage.
How would you feel if your partner would give up anything to make sure they’re putting your marriage first?
How would it be if they started looking forward to help you around the house without you even asking?
What about if they started making decisions with regards to finances, or parenting, or in-laws based on the impact it could have on you?
Now… think about what you could do to reward your partner for any effort towards those things, no matter how small.
Give them a dose of those reward chemicals.
Do this over time, and they’ll get addicted to loving you just like I’m addicted to loving my wife.
-Nate
P.S. Do you struggle with planning cool date nights? I recently put together something to help you out with this. If you go to GetFreeDates.com, I’ll send you a date-plan every week for 5 weeks. Each plan includes activities, links to cool products, treats, and conversation-starters to make sure your dates are creative, fun, and awesome!
Ya’ welcome. (Feel free to share this with your friends. The more awesome dates we can get people on, the better!)
Sometimes having a great marriage requires you to do the OPPOSITE of what’s natural.
You literally have to combat your most basic human instincts.
That’s not easy.
Don’t believe me? Try to avoid yawning when someone else in the room yawns… or squirming when someone tickles you.
Not succumbing to basic instincts requires effort.
The first step to overcoming that negative instinct when you’re feeling hurt or disappointed with your partner? Get curious.
Pearson’s Law states:
“When performance is measured, performance improves. When performance is measured and reported back, the rate of improvement accelerates.”
We see people tracking, measuring, and improving their performance in business.
We see it happening in sports.
We even see it in government… although whether or not improvement accelerates is debatable.
But why don’t we see it in marriage?
Probably because it’s hard to measure marriage.
I just got back from the gym.
Today’s workout was TOUGH.
My legs are wobbly. My lungs are burning. I have sweat dripping down my back.
And I’m THIRSTY!
Sometimes I forget my water bottle when I go to they gym. I leave feeling like my mouth is a desert and my tongue is sandpaper.
Have you ever felt that way? It’s like the only thing you can think of is how and where you’ll get the next drink of water.
It’s a normal problem to have.
Now, let’s suppose you came home and you told your partner, “Holy smokes, I’m so thirsty!”
Then your partner responds by turning on the garden hose full blast and spraying you in the face while saying, “You need more water! Open your mouth, dang it! I’m trying to help you!”
As your partner borderline waterboards you, you get angry. You resist the water and think, “This is so not helping!”
Or let’s suppose you walk in the door, completely dehydrated and your partner rolls their eyes, pours themselves a glass of ice cold water and drinks it in front of you. “If you drank more water like me, you wouldn’t be so thirsty. You always do this to yourself. You’re never drinking enough water. It’s no wonder you’re always so thirsty. Drinking water is easy if you just put your mind to it… see?
*gulp* AAAAAAAHHHHHH...
Once again, not helpful. Not encouraging. This approach doesn’t help you feel less thirsty. It just makes you feel guilty… or that your partner is a jerk.
Or what if you walk in the door 99.9% parched, and your partner has a tall pitcher of water in their hand, and an extra glass. You say, “Oh my gosh, that water looks amazing. I’m so thirsty.”
And they respond, “You should be more prepared. You know after a workout you’ll be thirsty. Go find your own water. I’m sick of sharing mine with you.”
They take a long draught while you lick your chapped lips.
Ugh. These scenarios are making me even more thirsty!
Here’s my point. Sometimes our partners suffer and struggle. They walk in the door and they hope for some relief.
The way you offer your support or help them alleviate their suffering has a HUGE impact on the quality of your marriage.
Sometimes rather than helping them get what they need, we turn on the firehose and overwhelm them with solutions. Before they even get a chance to express what they need, we’re slamming answers down their throats and emotionally suffocating them.
Other times we punish them for struggling in the first place. We guilt them for allowing things to get to this point. We chastise them for not being smarter, or for not thinking ahead. We berate them for being thoughtless.
And often times we become resentful. We abandon our partner to fend for themselves. We shut down. We create a barrier between us and our partner and leave them feeling lonely and overwhelmed in addition to “thirsty.”
So what’s the alternative?
How do you help your partner without making things worse?
Here’s a great recipe:
Step 1 - Be Empathetic
Before you can help your partner solve a problem you must understand what the problem is and how they’re perceiving it. So, before you offer solutions ask questions like:
This sounds really tough. How is this affecting you?
What is your desired outcome?
What have you tried?
Then, listen for the answers. Repeat back what you hear so your partner knows you understand.
Step 2 - Make an Offer
Before just taking action, see if you can get your partner to ask for what would be the most helpful to them. Try some of these questions:
Would you like some help?
What can I do that would be the most helpful?
Will you ask me if you need anything? I’m here for you.
Step 3 - Show Up
The last step is possibly the most important step for building a trusting, committed relationship. Show up the way you commit to show up.
This proves you’re a dependable, reliable partner. It creates a bond of safety and security between partners to be able to count on each other when things are hard.
Whenever you commit to do something for your partner, do everything you can to follow through.
Next time your partner is struggling with something, make sure you’re not fire-hosing them, ignoring them, or hanging them out to dry.
Be empathetic, supportive, and reliable.
In what ways have you been less-than-helpful when trying to help your partner? What’s your go-go bad habit? How can you be better about supporting your partner?
Leave your thoughts in the comments. I read every single one!
When you’re struggling in life with your mental health, with past trauma, or in your relationships, it’s normal to hear the advice, “You should go talk to someone.”
The implication is that a therapist - any therapist can help.
But searching for a good therapist is a lot like searching for a good doctor. You want to find someone who knows what they’re talking about.
You wouldn’t go see a foot doctor if you had a sore throat. You’d be much better off seeing an ear, nose and throat specialist.
Both are doctors, but only one has the knowledge and skill set to help you!
Therapists are very similar. The very best therapists have a specialty. They’ve devoted the majority of their career helping a specific type of person navigate a specific type of problem.
Not all therapists have experience working with couples. And not all couples therapists have experience helping people navigate sex issues, or betrayal in the relationship, or the unique challenges that come when you become empty-nesters.
It’s important for you to find someone who has some experience helping people through what you are currently dealing with.
But more importantly…
A good therapist is someone you can relate to.
One of the number one determining factors of whether or not you’ll get results from seeing a therapist is whether or not you get along with your therapist. (It’s called “Client-Therapist Fit.”)
It matters whether or not your therapist “gets” you!
And if you’re a couple looking for a therapist, it’s important that your therapist “gets” BOTH of you.
It might take some time and research to find the right “fit.”
Which brings me to my next point...
Ever had a really bad haircut?
I once had a barber who cut my hair while he had the hiccups… you can guess how that turned out.
Or maybe you‘ve had a Jiffy Lube experience like mine where the technician completely forgot to put the oil cap back on after my oil change.
Not all barbers (or hair stylists) are created equal.
Not all mechanics can be trusted to get the job done well.
And not all therapists are good therapists.
And not all therapists are honest therapists.
Did you know a therapist doesn’t have to go through any formal training to call themselves a “couples therapist” or a “sex therapist”?
There’s no title protection in the industry.
So, it’s very possible that a therapist who spends the first 5 years of their career helping drug-addicted criminals as a Social Worker, or teenagers with eating disorders could wake up one morning and say, “You know what? I’m sick of this. I need a change. I’m going to start treating couples. I hear there’s good money in that.”
Then they can get on their website, or their LinkedIn profile and update their title to “Couples Therapist,” and start seeing couples the next day.
That’s shady. And it’s not uncommon.
It’s important that you spend some time shopping around for a therapist before you commit to one. Try to get a handle on their education, how they’ve treated similar clients in the past.
Ask yourself if you could see yourself spending hours hanging out with this person.
A great way to find a good therapist is to ask a friend for a referral. If they love their therapist, and you love your friend, there’s a high likelihood that you’ll love their therapist too.
Research shows that the average couple waits 6 years after experiencing a marriage problem that makes them unhappy before they seek outside help.
Six.
Years.
If you broke your leg would you wait 6 years before going to the doctor?
If you answered yes, you deserve a spanking. That’s NOT something to be proud of.
One of the biggest reasons marriage therapy doesn’t work for so many couples is because they wait too long!
They go to therapy only when they are in the midst of a crisis as a last-ditch effort to save their marriage from impending divorce.
Marriage therapists aren’t miracle workers.
I like the way my friend Maggie Reyes puts it: You can’t un-burn a pie!
If you burn a pie, and then you think, “I’ll just take my pie to a professional pastry chef. They’ll be able to help me fix it!” You are going to be disappointed.
Even the best pastry chef in the world cannot un-burn a pie.
If your “pie” (marriage) is burned, you have to start over. And it’s your choice whether you start over with the same person, or not.
If you’re experiencing consistent resentment, frustration, and unhappiness in your marriage right now, it’s an emergency.
Do not wait 6 years!
If you start looking for a good therapist when you really need one… you’re too late.
Most couples divorce because they were unprepared to deal with the challenges that came their way.
If you want to have an epic marriage that withstands the test of time, start building out your tool belt now!
Find experts and educational resources you trust.
Find a therapist you relate to in case you ever need them.
Talk to your partner about how you’d like to handle issues if they were to ever come up.
Need some help getting started? Subscribe to my podcast here.
I’ve helped a lot of incredible people fix frustrating problems in their marriage, and learn the skills to create a relationship more incredible than they thought was possible. Here’s what just a few of them have said:
