Would You Trust A Surgeon With A Butterknife?

The other day I was at a Utah Marriage Commission meeting talking to Ryan Dunn. He’s a professor in the Department of Child and Family Studies at Weber State University.

We were obviously talking about marriage (what else are you supposed to talk about when at a Marriage Commission meeting?) - when he asked me a question that really made me think…

And now I’m going to ask you the same question.

Let’s pretend you are terribly sick. Your heart is failing. You need emergency open-heart surgery if you’re going to live through the day. Now here’s the catch…

You have to make a big decision regarding who performs the surgery.

You get 2 choices:

Your First Choice

An experienced surgeon with hundreds of successful open-heart surgeries under his belt, and decades of experience and education… but he’s only allowed to use the rudimentary tools you have in your kitchen

Your Second Choice

Jim the accountant who has never taken an anatomy class in his life… but he’s allowed to use some of the most state-of-the-art surgical tools on the market today.

I’m embarrassed to admit that I actually had to think about it for a second. The answer quickly became obvious. I’d want the experienced surgeon.

The tools he uses are nowhere near as important as the knowledge, experience, effort and commitment he’s put into mastering his craft.

That’s when the lesson smacked me in the face.

Just like owning a scalpel or forceps won’t make you a great surgeon, having great relationship tools in your relationship tool belt doesn’t make you great at relationships.

Knowing about good communication techniques, or understanding the importance of setting boundaries, or a good strategy for apologizing won’t make you a great relationship partner.

What makes you great is the experience of implementing this stuff over and over again. The real difference-maker is the effort you put into making these tools a part of who you are.

It’s kind of like the story I shared a while back about how I froze up when reciting the “Man In The Arena” quote at a men’s retreat because I hadn’t practiced it in a high-stress situation.

Knowing the answers is not the same as knowing them under pressure when it really counts.

The tools you have at your disposal will not make a real difference unless they become an extension of YOU.

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

The tools I teach you about relationships - or the tools you get from therapy, books, podcasts, seminars, etc. - they only work when combined with a heart that’s in the right place, and a willingness to practice until the thing that feels unnatural becomes natural.

Who you are is more important than what you know!

Your goal when reading my emails, doing challenges, reading books, or whatever else you do to improve your relationship, shouldn’t be solely to develop skills.  

Your first priority should be to get your heart in the right place.

Your second priority should be to do what is necessary to show up as the best possible partner you can be in order to diminish the amount of unnecessary suffering in your life and in your partner’s life.

Love is a heroic endeavor.

Love is truly a heroic endeavor. And the hero that comes out victorious in love is the one with a courageous and virtuous heart.

A hero that changes the world starts by leaving what is comfortable, and venturing into the unknown.

Heroes take responsibility for their own fate, and the fate of those around them. They have learned that nobody is coming to save them. They’ve realized that waiting around for someone to show up and hand them the life they always dreamed of is going to result in a very long wait, and a very empty life.

Heroes do whatever it takes to understand their weaknesses and fortify them. They know if they pretend those weaknesses don’t exist, it could result in their demise.

Heroes surround themselves with people who support their mission, and they don’t pay any heed to those who would dare oppose them.

Heroes constantly face their monsters head-on. They know that running away from the “dragon” will only give him more time to grow and become even more dangerous.

Now, let’s bring this full circle...

The metaphorical surgeon at the beginning of the email… she saves lives not because she has special tools, but because she spends her life dedicated to her craft.

She knows the cost of a small mistake, and so… she practices until she can do a procedure in her sleep.

She overcomes her fears and nerves of cutting into a living human body.

She has mentors and teachers who show her way, and correct her mistakes.

She is a hero because she knows her tools are not enough.

And just like her, you must know that you are the hero of your story… and that tools are not enough.

My hope is that, like Obi-Wan Kenobi, I can not only provide you with some tools (like a relationship lightsaber), but also act as your guide along the way, and help you keep perspective, and find meaning and purpose in your endeavors… even if I’m just an occasional voice in your head.

I want nothing more than for you to be the hero of your story. Really.

Ready To Take Action And Become The Hero Of Your Own Story?

I’ve put together a 7-day challenge that is designed to give you the tools and mindsets you need to create a relationship that’s better than you ever imagined. Get more details here:

Dream Together

Don't Let Your Dreams be Dreams

Relationship researchers at The Gottman Institute have found that once couples get a solid foundation for a healthy relationship into place - mutual respect, learning to turn towards each other and not away from each other, good conflict management skills - one of the most important things they can do to make their relationship thrive is to pursue each others dreams together.

There's something powerful in helping make someone's dreams become reality. It creates a powerful bond of trust and feelings of excitement, anticipation and shared meaning when you have someone back you up and push you to be your best self.

Pursuing your dreams even opens the door to resolve some of your most complicated conflicts. (Often times the reason behind recurring conflict is unfulfilled or unspoken dreams.)

But before you can support each other in your dreams, you need to allow yourself to dream! It's easy to forget to do that. The pressure to be a responsible, reasonable, rule-following adult may have smothered the dreamer inside you many years ago.

It's time to ask yourself: Where do you want to go? What do you want to accomplish? What problem do you want to solve? What mountain do you want to climb? What adventure do you want to embark on? What hero do you want to meet? What book do you want to read? What book do you want to write? What new hobby do you want to pursue? What value do you want to cultivate? What do you want your kids to say about you at your 50th anniversary party? What do you want written on your tombstone?

Once you let yourself (and your partner) start dreaming... seriously dreaming, you can start to invest your time, resources, thoughts and energy into supporting those dreams as they become goals.

In this week's podcast, Michelle Peterson from the #STAYMARRIED Blog shares with us four different ways to support our partner in their dreams: Emotional support, esteem support, informational support and tangible support.

If you want to learn more about each of these types of support, listen to the podcast or check out this post on the #STAYMARRIED blog.

Don't let your dreams be dreams!

Travel to Europe, go skydiving, get SCUBA certified, learn to dance, go on a hot air balloon ride, learn French, master the perfect chocolate chip cookie, move to the beach, make a plan to pay off your parent's home, start a non-profit, write that book, learn a new instrument and start a band, join a gym, be an amazing friend, perform your first standup comedy routine... live life!

Check out this episode!

S02 E01 - Jennifer Finlayson-Fife: Virtue, Passion, and Owning Your Desire

3 Myths About Sex and Relationships

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with one of my favorite psychotherapists, Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, to talk about relationships and sexuality. During our conversation, Jennifer debunked some serious relationship myths. I've been excited to share them with you from the moment I stopped recording.

What you're about to read is just the very tip of the iceberg. If you want to dive deeper, please listen to the episode (embedded above). I firmly believe everyone who wants a great relationship would benefit from sitting down with Jennifer, or someone like her.

I hope these words and lessons help to make you a better, more understanding, and more loving partner.

Edit: Jennifer's courses were some of the most important and impactful tools in helping me and my wife create an amazing marriage, and I just found out they're on sale for Christmas! The courses include "office hours" with Dr. Finlayson-Fife and are a cost-effective way to address and navigate marital challenges.  This is a great opportunity! Here's the link. 

Being Selfless is the Key To an Awesome Relationship

Whenever I tell people about this podcast, it's almost inevitable that they will share with me what they believe is the "Key to True Love." If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that the "Key to True Love" is to "put your partner's needs and/or desires before your own," I'd be a very rich man.

Granted, this theory isn't entirely flawed. There's virtue in taking care of one another. But just like most attempts at giving universal love advice, this idea has the potential to be very damaging if taken at face value, especially if taking care of our partner means sacrificing our own needs.

As Dr. Finlayson-Fife puts it, “When we won’t take care of ourselves, the fantasy is that somehow we’re being selfless and that this is blessing other people’s lives. But in reality, if you won’t manage yourself, you pressure everyone else to manage you… if you don’t take a hold of yourself and live a life you respect, you’ll suck the life out of everybody around you, which is very very selfish in the name of selflessness.”

It reminds me of how I used to abuse the Golden Rule. You remember the old adage from the Bible, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" Well, my version was "Do unto others as I expect them to do unto me."

I would do something kind for a girl and then get frustrated when it wasn't reciprocated. I would give compliments to friends and then get disappointed when they didn't offer compliments back. I would give of my time, energy, and resources - many times with what I felt were sincere and selfless intentions - then get discouraged and even angry when I felt like I was getting walked on or taken advantage of.

In many of these cases I felt like a martyr. "I am always the one putting in all the effort, and nobody else will reciprocate!"

Maybe this sounds familiar to you...

Once again, Dr. Finlayson-Fife chimes in with her wisdom. "Being a martyr is not a selfless position. It’s an extremely entitled position. It’s like saying, “I’m not going to take responsibility for my desires. I’m not going to be honest and straight up about what I want. But I’m going to demand that you figure it out and give it to me, and I’ll resent you enough if you don’t that I’ll go do what I want on the side."

At the end of the day, your partner is not responsible for discerning and then meeting your basic needs and desires. You are. You're responsible for asking for time alone if you need it. You're responsible for initiating intimacy if you want it. You're responsible for saying "no" if you're too busy to do something. You're responsible for your thoughts, feelings, desires, words and actions and how they come (or don't come) into fruition in your relationships.

Anxiety Means There's Something Wrong In My Relationship

One of the top excuses I hear people using to avoid or abandon something good is that it "doesn't feel right."

Anxiety is often the culprit for these negative feelings.

Don't get me wrong, there are definitely times when you should trust your gut, but remember, not all feelings are created equal. I mean, your primal instincts could be giving you that uneasy feeling because it sees a huge threat looming just out of sight. Or that gross pit in your stomach might be there because you ate a bad taco for lunch.

Anxiety is complex and misunderstood creature, and despite how you might feel, it's not always bad. As Dr. Finlayson-Fife explains, there are two types of anxiety:

Unproductive anxiety vs. Productive Anxiety

Unproductive Anxiety - When you try to control things you can’t control.

For example: I'm worried my husband will die in a car crash. I'm worried my wife might one day die of cancer. I'm worried that it will rain on our wedding day. I'm worried that aliens will abduct me in my sleep to do all sorts of tests.

You get the picture.

There are some things beyond your control. Period.

Productive Anxiety - This type of anxiety is a symptom of growth. It means you are willing to do things that are hard. You believe there is a positive outcome in the effort, in the stretching, in the seeking to understand and develop something.

For example: I'm learning a new instrument and I'm uncomfortable not being in a state of mastery. There's an important conversation I want to have with my partner that will inevitably bring us closer together, but I'm been scared to bring it up. I am ready to eat healthy and exercise, but it is stressful to change my cooking/eating habits and adjust my schedule for gym time. I've decided to ask for an evening of pleasure focused entirely on me, and it terrifies me to ask for something like that because I'm so used to taking care of everyone else. I want to share my deepest fantasy with my lover and I'm nervous they'll think I'm weird.

Sometimes anxiety just shows up when we bump up against our future, better selves. We're faced with the challenge, the growth, and the work that lies before us, and we're flooded with doubts. Our insecurities take over.

"Can I do this?" "What if I fail?" "This is scary." "It might not work out the way I want it to." "What will happen if I get rejected?"

On the other side of that anxiety is the version of you that you are so incredibly ready to become.

So if you're feeling anxious, ask yourself, "Is the thing making me anxious something I can control, or something I can't?" If it's outside your control, let it go. As the infamous Newt Scamander from Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them says, "My philosophy is that worrying means you suffer twice.”

If your anxiety is coming from something you can control, push forward! Future you (smarter, braver you) is waiting just on the other side!

Your Marriage Is Meant For Your Happiness

This part of the podcast was just too good for me not to quote Jennifer directly:

"One of the reasons Marriage is a divine institution is that you have someone institutionally there to give you feedback about your blindspots.

"The challenge of being human is that we’re so good at self deception. We’re so good at narrating our lives in the way that makes us comfortable:

"We’re good, they’re bad.

"I did everything I could, they didn’t do anything.

"And in reality we’re quite clueless about who we really are.

"People see us more clearly than we see ourselves. We’re much more readable than we want to believe."

The reason marriage is so incredible, and often times, so miserable, is that our partner is there for us to show us our weaknesses, shortcomings and flaws with the invitation to improve. Marriage is the ultimate self-development tool.

If you don't want to grow to be a kinder, more self-aware, and all-around better person, marriage is not the institution for you.

A good partnership will force you to ask yourself questions in order to become a better human and partner:

Where do I delude myself? What are the areas in myself that I don’t want to deal with? What are the things that I want other people to believe about me, and why am I invested in being seen that way? What’s hard about being with me? What’s hard about being married to me? What’s hard about being my brother?

Answering these questions may not be fun. It probably won't be easy. The answers won't necessarily make you happy in the moment... but they will make you better.

The truth will always make you better.

The truth will set you free… but first it might really suck.

What did you learn from this episode? How have your relationships stretched you, challenged you, and exposed you to truths about yourself? What are the hard questions you're being confronted with? How can you be (or prepare to be) a better partner? Which of these myths do you agree or disagree with?

Let's hear your thoughts in the comments!

Episode #85 - What You Don't Know About Porn with Kristin Hodson LCSW CST

Kristin Hodson is my favorite sex therapist. In this conversation we answer some really important questions about porn. Below is a summary of what we cover on in the podcast embedded above:

What is Porn?

Technically the official definition of porn is "the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement."

It's worth noting that what is considered porn is different to just about everyone. When you hear the word "Porn" it's associated with a certain type of images, emotions, experiences and judgements in your head.

Anyone who looks at porn gets attached to those judgements, whether good or bad...

Yet some people's porn is the Victoria's Secret catalog, while others consume much more graphic, or degrading, or violent content.

The world of porn is about as diverse as the world of food.

Now that I think about it, this is actually a pretty great comparison if you don't think about it too hard... There are lots of different types of food. Some of it can be really bad for you. Some people have really unhealthy relationships with the food they eat. Some people get cravings for specific types of food. And saying "I like food" doesn't really tell you much about me as a person. Saying, "I love hamburgers and get cravings for chocolate chip cookies." is a lot more accurate... and no, that's not a euphemism.

Lots of people look at porn. All of these people have unique experiences with it.

What is Addiction?

Addiction is the compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming harmful substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal.

Whether or not porn is addicting is one of the most divisive and polarizing conversations on the topic.

First, it's important to knowledge that there are people out there who have a compulsion to look at porn. They feel like their reliance on porn is outside their control. They consume it regularly. They may hide this from the people they love, or they may be open about it.

Porn consumption for these people is almost always accompanied by high amounts of shame, and are almost always accompanied by other mental or emotional issues including (but not limited to) anxiety, depression, stress, low impulse-control, narcissism, etc.

This is a condition that really exists for many people, and the word that best fits describes this state is "addiction."

Now, if we want to get really technical, sex addiction is not a disorder included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (aka the big book published by the American Psychiatric Association that therapists use to diagnose people). Why that is is a long conversation that I'm not going to have here or now.

The important thing to note for this conversation is that many psychologists don't classify porn addiction as an official addiction for various reasons including the fact that the brain doesn't behave exactly the same way when looking at porn as it does when consuming drugs. And nobody - to my knowledge - has ever died from the side effects of withdrawal.

So is porn addicting in the experience of the average Joe? Yes, it can definitely feel that way.

Is it addicting in the exact same way that cocaine, or alcohol are addicting? No... not really. But it can still be very harmful.

Why Do People Look at Porn?

People look at porn for a lot of reasons!

They look at it because they want to explore a fantasy. They look at it to self-soothe, and cope with things like stress or anxiety. They look at it to learn what a certain sex act might be or look like. They look at it because they're in a sexless marriage and they desire a sexual outlet... the list goes on.

The list of reasons people look at porn, and what they get out of it is infinite.

Don't be afraid to get curious with yourself or those you love to get a better understanding.

And if secret porn consumption is an issue in your relationship, rather than making porn the problem, it's worth getting curious about what in your relationship, or in your life, or in your partner's life might be contributing to the desire and/or need for porn consumption.

This judgment-free conversation could open up a lot of doors.

What To Do If You Or Someone You Love Has A Negative Relationship With Porn...

Check back soon for lots of resources provided by Kristin!

Kristin Hodson LCS CST is Founder and Executive Director of The Healing Group and co-author of the newly published book Real Intimacy: A Couples Guide for Genuine, Healthy Sexuality. She practices as psychotherapist with a passion helping women find their authentic self by working through areas where they feel stuck. She believes in empowering women to own and take charge of their growth and healing. She does this by working beside them in a collaborative and professional way offering reflective insight, experience and expertise. Clients often say they feel supported and safe to express and explore thoughts, emotions and vulnerabilities — bringing about new understanding, fulfilling changes and personal joy. She is a mother and wife and lives life passionately out loud.

Episode #84 - John and Julie Gottman

Never in a million years would I have guessed when I started The Loveumentary back in 2012 that I would one day be sitting down in a hotel room with arguably the world's foremost experts, and most celebrated researchers on the topic of romantic love - John and Julie Gottman.

I'm constantly amazed that this little idea to interview awesome couples has grown into a resource that has helped to enlighten, inspire, and  touch the lives of hundreds of thousands of people for the better. And I feel like we're just getting started...

One of the questions I get asked most often is "What's the secret sauce? What's the most important thing you've learned on this journey?"

The answer has changed over time, often depending on the themes that are emerging for me in my life and in the interviews I conduct. And after talking with the Gottmans, David York, and David and Gretchen, I think a new theme has emerged for me - and this one might be the most important "key to true love" of them all.

Be kind.

Here's a quote directly from the interview embedded above. I had just asked John what was his most surprising discovery in his 4+ decades of work. The answer was so surprising:

"The thing that surprised me the most was that the people who had really great relationships were really calm with each other, and really kind and considerate with one another." -John Gottman

Let me be clear, John Gottman has discovered a LOT of interesting things in his 40+ years of research.

He's the guy who can watch a couple argue for 5 minutes and predict with a 93% accuracy whether or not they'll get divorced.

He's discovered that 69% of all relationship conflict is unresolvable. They are the perpetual problems that need constant management and never have a perfect resolution. Ie: He likes Mexican food, she doesn't. Or, how your in-laws meddle and wan to influence how you raise your kids. (You can read more about how to deal with these types of problems here.)

He's written books on emotional intelligence, betrayal, effective communication strategies, and even how to adjust your relationship after having babies.

Yet the thing that has surprised him most is the abundance - and importance - of kindness and compassion in truly remarkable relationships.

It reminds me of last week's episode on the podcast. The foundation of David and Gretchen's amazing relationship is kindness.

It was Gretchen's kindness to encourage David to find someone who had all the qualities he wanted in a wife that made him realize that what he had with Gretchen was even better than his list.

It is their commitment to kindness that motivates them to treat each other as if their partner were the most special and prized human in the universe. This kindness allows them to navigate disagreements and inspires them to help each other fulfill their wildest dreams.

This kindness is at the center of their goal as a couple to help everyone they meet get one step closer to living their full potential.

David and Gretchen, Ty and Terri, MeiMei and Kiran... these couples (and so many more from the podcast) emulate what John Gottman said is the one-sentence summary of his 43 years of research...

If I had to summarize my 43 years of research into one sentence... it would be, 'When you're hurting baby, the world stops, and I listen.'" - John Gottman

Dr. Gottman even went so far as to say that if he could give his younger, single self one piece of advice it would be to get out of unkind dating relationships as quickly as possible.

When you're in a relationship with someone who is kind, they are quick to forgive, they are patient and understanding when you screw up, they are compassionate when you are hurting, they inspire you to pursue your dreams, they won't gossip behind your back, or scream at you when they are angry. They are thoughtful, supportive, and calm in times of duress.

Kindness is the framework for enduring love.

What can you do to be more kind to those you love? How can you create rituals and rules of kindness in your relationships so that they flourish rather than flounder? What is something kind the one you love has done for you lately? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!